I have fallen in love, out of love, and everything in between
lately I don't know what I've been feeling
and I don't know what that means

They told me stay true to myself
never change
and I'm nodding along
like i'm paying attention
hoping they won't see how much I already have

I take my fingers and lodge them into the skin barrier above my heart --
Tearing the skin and breaking the bones: a gateway to the kingdom of love.
And as I remove the king from its throne, fluttering and warm, I inspect him for damage;
Scars and healing;
A sign of progress and growth.
This is a ruler who has fought and braved the front lines, walked steadfast into battle and came out the other side.
Sometimes he was victorious, other times taking more damage than his enemies, a truce the only resolution to the fight--
But he is still beating and strong and guiding and ruling
And with his beats mimicking war drums, I am urged to march forward
steady.

Its heavy
Claustrophobic
A dry drowning
Each breath labouring and deliberate
And time moves slower
The metronome of my heartbeat just a little off
When I'm asked to explain I am choked by imaginary hands
There's a ghost over my shoulder clasping his hand over my mouth
Whispering in my ear that speaking wont help
So I keep quiet
More scared of your rejection than the possibility that I will be met with some understanding
But I'm telling you now it's heavy
And claustrophobic,
A dry drowning, each breath labouring and deliberate
And time moves slower, so much so that even the metronome of my heartbeat is just a little off.

I'm painting myself
Dipping the brush in neons of yellows and pinks
The greens swirling with the oranges
Gemometric streets lining my arms
Rolling hills winding up and down my stomach
Dots placed where I want on my face
Stripes and stars and hearts over blemishes
This is beauty
This is forgiveness to the harshness of my own opinions
I'm reclaiming my, me, mine
This body is a body that does good works and grows and moves me from place to place
It can run and jump and hold others tightly
It can make music and drive and sing and dance
And now even with the lights off
I will shine in the blacklight of my mind
I'm bringing these colors to my skin
I'm reclaiming what's mine again

His tongue felt too big for his mouth
A cotton plant growing in his throat, but he choked the words out around the dry leaves and the tears that threatened to fall and water it.
"I'm sorry too."

Sometimes you meet someone and later realize how much you should have remained strangers
But your paths have crossed and now you can never be the same
Tell me you feel the same
I'm begging