I think I love you
Well, not think-- I know I do
I've been slowly falling since day one
But it's hard for me to admit my feelings
Because you are the most important person in my life and I dont want to ruin that
I dont think I'm in love with you yet
I'm guarding my heart with my head from that one final step
I'm scared to take it
I can't do that long distance thing again
I cant hurt you to heal me
Even if you are in the back of my thoughts every minute
Even if my dreams have you and I together
Even if my coworkers are tired of hearing your name on my lips
I cannot be selfish this time
I always used to want to be selfish about the people I loved
Wanted to keep them for myself and hold them close
But you make me want to be selfless just this once
I want you to be able to have what I can never give you
I dont want you to hold back your dreams just for me
There's something bittersweet about the fact that I am content knowing you'd probably be happier without me

i get in the car and its easy
seat-belt. foot. pedal. go.
see? easy
down the road, only two right turns and i'm there
everyday
not even five minutes away
it's easy to drive
easy because of muscle memory
easy enough as a piece of plastic in my wallet
but my drive
my drive is never easy
wake up
struggle out of the covers
cursing the sunlight filtering through my curtains
get up my brain yells
no my body fights back
begrudgingly I stand and get dressed for the day
this drive is always hard
the getting up part
the leaving part
and everything in between
when I'm home with no obligation other than my animals
I can afford to have the car turned off
I wish my drive was as easy as the one to work
simple with no thinking
nowhere to go but forward and two right turns

maybe it wasn't love
maybe it was the perfect illusion
one where I saw myself as someone
being capable of such a concept of love
where I saw myself happier than I really was
where I didn't make compromises for
my happiness to allow you some of yours

Maybe it was fear
the fear of being alone again
the fear that it was always me all along
who wasn't capable of making a relationship last
the fear that if you weren't the one then
there was nobody else out there that could be

And you know, maybe it wasn't love
maybe it was contentedness
the feeling that I was comfortable
so that should be enough, right?
that I should be happy with being comfortable
and not being truly happy

But maybe it was love
Maybe it was love that kept me with you
so much longer than I should have been
maybe it was love causing me to sacrifice
so much time and effort and energy into us
love causing me to think differently about my future
love making me blind to other possibilities
love making me selfless rather than selfish

So I guess I should thank you
because I've realized now that it's okay to be selfish
that I don't have to compromise to be happy
that I don't have to change my wants and
dreams to match yours
and that I can find someone who shares my goals

I can thank you for the growth
Thank you for the insight
for the days of joy
and for the nights of pain that made
those happy times even sweeter

So maybe it wasn't all love
But it was real
We were real

We're done, aren't we?
I've been feeling it now for a while
Too scared to let go of the one person that has been consistantly in my life that
I've been selfish
I'm sorry
But we're done aren't we?
You stopped talking to me
Say you'd rather be alone
Stopped telling me where you were going
So we're done, right?
I think I did my grieving that week you were crying and overwhelmed and I gave you some time to think about us.
I told you I'd give you some space but I'm pretty sure this is more than I bargained for
So we're done, huh?
I cant be the only one here not feeling anything
I know that you feel just as trapped as I do
And I'm tired of being emotionally used.
So we're done, aren't we?

Someday I'll learn
And to be honest I probably should have by now
But although I'm sure I've been here before
My lessons always come to me the hard way
I cant be told something
I have to experience it
The concept never truly taking form in my mind until I'm stuck right where I never wanted to be
I'm that type of hypocrite who speaks and never listens
Advice given that I never take for myself
I'm sure someday I'll learn though
Just like I have in that true happiness is in the day-to-day
And not knowing who you are or what you want to be in life is okay
Some things take time
I'll learn eventually

When I was younger I used to believe that I was destined for greatness
Not the kind of greatness like curing cancer or anything
But the magical, the unbelievable
I was meant to leave this world
This place where I've never really had a place
I was supposed to go explore magical lands
meet weird and unusual creatures
do incredible and impossible things
I know it's just a childish whim from years ago
Yet I still lay in bed at night wondering
what It would be like to wake up somewhere else
what it would be like to be needed somewhere
to be wanted somewhere
to be destined for more
but it looks like I missed those storybook years
where I would be chosen for something more