They told you
you had changed since you met me
of course I believe that to be true too
I've changed since I met you too
But of course over two years you would be different
who wouldn't be?
change of school, jobs, life plans
the only constant here was me
so fingers were pointed at the only thing that stayed the same about you
and I had no say at all

I'm biting my tounge as tears run down my face
Iron and salt meeting in a macabre
I always surrounded myself with grey
I didnt mean to press that color onto you
Maybe I shouldn't have wasted my time or my poetry on you but
I will still bite my tounge bleeding evermore before I apologize for loving you

I'm sorry too
I'm sorry I'm a toxic depressing person who gives others her bad vibes
I'm sorry I didnt see how much you were hurting in these two years
I'm sorry everyone thinks I changed you
I'm sorry if I did
I'm sorry if I ever pressured you into anthing
I'm sorry that I haven't always been easy to talk to
anxiety often plays well with me and those around me
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
But I can promise you this
I will never be sorry for loving you
For giving you my virginity
For trusting you with my secrets
For spending two years of my life with you
For our sleepless nights naked in bed just talking
For the songs I sang you to sleep with in the first few months
For the stupid road trips that always ended in rain
I will never be sorry for loving you

My two best friends in the world are in toxic relationships
both engaged
both living parallel lives miles apart
young and dumb
broke and self-medicating
I look at these relationships around me and wonder if they think they're perfect and healthy
I wonder if they find mine toxic the way I find theirs--
wonder if they see the red flags in mine they can't see in theirs
I wonder if I'm the only one in this relationship who is in love
who fell hard and never got back up
who feels comforted by your embrace
Don't tell me this is toxic
Don't let this be one-sided
Please

I bought myself a ring and
you said it was weird
twenty dollars of sterling silver
now perched on my left ring finger
It doesn't belong to you
not some symbol that I'm taken
my right hand just does too much in
a day to be dressed up
but this ring bothers you
you said it looks like I'm married or engaged
and truth be told that doesn't bother me
because I look at this flea market buy and see what could be
I see what one day could be your ring on my vow
But you find it odd and unsettling
and I'm struggling to find that fact anything but unnerving

I know I'm being selfish
and I'm sorry, okay?
I know you think I'm being ridiculous--
criticizing
over-analyzing
hyper-aware
I'm not mad I promise
I'm just upset
You think I say it too much
that those words lose meaning everytime
But I see it differently
Every time I say those words is another moment I think of you
It's another memory of us
another vision of our future together
I love you
I'm so ******* in love with you

so please....
when I say it
say it back
Don't pull a Han Solo and say that you know
when I look at you with longing and hurt in my eyes
tell me you love me
tell me when you're not prompted to at all
Tell it to me before I say it to you
I know you show your love in other ways
but I'm selfish and insecure and I need vocalization to know my mind isn't playing tricks on me
to know that you really do still feel the spark like I do after two years
I love you
I love you
I'm so in love with you

Why can't you say it to me
without my saying it to you?