Sharing my poetry with the world is terrifying
It's like I'm showing a part of myself that I'm still afraid to admit exsists
I dont know what it is about having others read my writing that is both thrilling and absolutely petrifying at the same time

Sometimes I smile so hard it makes my soul crack instead of my teeth
And the tears fall
And the dam that was that smile cannot hold back the true emotions anymore
And I wonder
If even when I was truly happy
If I was just faking it all.

When I write a love poem you're always in the back of my mind
But these poems aren't entirely about you
I often find myself writing from someone else's perspective
I'm trapped in someone else's mind and memories
I hope to meet her one day.

For as long as I can remember
I believed that I would die young
I'm still here
Age twenty
And I still wonder
If death will show it's face soon
I've tried to meet him many times
Clearly he's avoiding me for a reason then
If I am still here
I'm still here
Death,
I'm still here

Can we go back to a time when I didnt know you?
When I didnt have these feelings everytime I looked at you?
When I couldnt read you with a glance?
Back to when I didnt realize how important you would be?
I want to meet you again
I want to talk about the trivial things--like what your favorite color is or what you wanted to be when you grew up
I want to relearn your little habits and ticks
Relearn all the things that set you off
Like how you have to chew your food the same number of times on each side of your mouth
Or how you pick at your ******* on your left hand when you feel uncomfortable
I want to go back to when I met you
When I didnt know that you were the other half of my soul
When I didnt know how fragile and beautiful you are
When I didn't see that you had been broken so many times before
But you dont need to worry anymore
My mom worked with fine China so I will treat you like porcelain I swear.
Let's go back
Let's watch the stars again
And stay up talking for hours again
And rediscover each other
Let's fall in love for the first time again
I promise this time it will be easier
I promise this time I wont take you for granted
I promise this time I will treasure every moment
Let's go back, okay?

   --Time traveling?

It slipped out of my mouth before I could choke back the words
I love you
To me those words are forbidden
The meaning of which I never allowed myself to indulge in
I never found myself worthy of them until now
I love you
It felt so natural
They way my tongue lightly teased the roof of my mouth and finished off at my lips in an "o"
I never thought that those words could feel so light
I always imagined they'd pummel out of my mouth like a brick
Hitting the ground with such force the tenderness of the moment would be shattered like ciderblock
Yet these words weren't bricks
They didnt break like I always thought they would
They weren't accompanied by twangs of fear or anguish
I love you
Instead I found myself smiling.
A gentle tugging at the corner of my lips
Captive to my puppet master, the strings pulled them so high my teeth were showing
I was crying like I always imagined I'd be doing
But it was out of jubilation
Of relief
Of safety
In the comfort of knowing these words which held me back in fear of their power for so long were words of power not for their daunting significance but for their freeing ability
I never dreamed I could fly
Some dreams are so foolish no child would deem it possible
And saying I love you was a nightmare of mine
But hearing you say it back--
Knowing that no matter what you said that I didnt regret it--
God, how I felt like I could fly in that moment.
I have no fear of those words now
They give me comfort
I love you
Such power only eight letters hold.
I could finally allow someone to see my heart
I'm so glad it was you.

--I spent years beliveing I was unworthy

I dont claim to know a lot
Like I still dont understand what it means when people say to lift with your legs instead of your back
Believe me I've tried many times and it's always my back doing the lifting. My legs can take it too. My thunder thighs arent running from a challenge but somehow they can never manage to be the ones doing the lifting
So I'm a little lost on things like that
But one thing I am absolutely certain about is you.

--Headspace