i want to love myself
but i don't know how
drifting in and out
     between the reality and my delusions
trying to search for that vigor
that will to be alive—
to be excited of the sunrise
and feel calm
     soaking under the afternoon sun
and love the changing hues
     of the skies at dusk
and wish the moon a good night
     never fearing the dreams to come
then adore the peeking light at dawn
     reflecting the days waiting to be lived

but then it's gone
all that's left was a monotonous black
accompanied by a crippling silence
followed by the surge of doubts
     storming down my confidence
     its lightning striking
as i look into the mirror
     staring at my silhouette
     with its pieces shattering one by one
just as how, piece by piece
     i slipped into the pit
freefalling
and finally losing
     the will i tried so hard to keep
leaving me with nothing
but a void

And then he didn't come back

The summers passed, autumns faded, winters roared, and springs bloomed but he's nowhere to be seen.

As she made her way to the shore, she felt the gentle breeze and the embrace of the waves and as she looked up; she saw the moon alone in the vast nothingness of the sky with no star to keep her company.

She remembered him, thinking that maybe the stars are gone for the moon is too broken and is not as illuminated as it was the first time.

Then she remembered the first time he laid eyes on her. His eyes shone so bright, held much admiration in his gaze that she couldn't understand for she is nothing sort of a goddess the moon had blessed.

None of her poems caught the light and the life in his eyes when they first met: of how it looked silver and storm that reflects his turbulent emotions, of how his eyes reached the depths of her soul with his gaze, of how he saw her as his moon.

None of them could ever describe how his eyes demand to be stared at. None of them.

But then, he was a fleeting light like a poem you will only read once for it is blindingly painful that it hurts looking the second time.

And now, she feels a part of her is missing as she search for the stars up above.

And then she fixed her gaze, closing her eyes to the moon: wishing that when he said "It's because of you." He doesn't mean goodbye. Wishing he doesn't mean she's the reason why he's gone. Wishing that dreams aren't supposed to be just dreams for when they become reality, they take away the magical feeling.

A few tears escaped her closed lids and glistened as they bathe on the light of the moon as she thought of the last poem she'll ever write to him.

And then she finally whispered hoping the wind will bring it to him:

" And maybe,
   paintings and poetry
   couldn't hold a candle
   To every emotion
   we once had.

    You
    hold a key
    when we
    first met.

    I should've known
    that that key
    is not for me

    For I
    was never
    your home. "

though it's not.

but i am too lazy to say anything more 'cause i don't want to be judged as a judger and my mind is so chaotic; i feel like tripping on my words and the conversation's gonna get longer and longer and i'll say another bunch of comments then you'll reply as if you're listening but then counter my argument like you've never heard it until i got tired and agreed to what you say so

"i think it's fine."

Busalan mo pa!
Nang manahimik
   ang mga sumisigaw--
Pilit inaalingawngaw
  ang nag-uumapaw
  nilang mga hinanakit

Matagal nang umalis ang Diyos
    dahil sa mga panatikong
Sinasamba ang kanilang Poong
  iniidolo rin ang isa pang
  anak ni Satanas
Kasama ang kanyang
   mga apostol
Hudas sa taumbayan

Busalan mo pa---
Ang iyak ng sanggol,
   nanghihingi ng pagkain
Ang ungol ng babaeng
   pinuputa sa tabi-tabi
Ang hikbi ng magsasakang
   mamamatay na lang
   hindi pa sa sarili
   niyang lupa
Ang tangis ng manggagawang
   tinapon matapos
Malaos
Na parang
Makina lang sa pabrika


Sige patahimikin mo!
Tutal katutahan
At kaputahan
At kaputanginahan
   ang doktrinang
   isinisiwalat mo
Na parang hindi mulat
   at wala sa ulirat
   ang mga panatikong
Sumusunod
Sa bawat buklat
  ng bibliya

Lalong pumupula
ang paligid;
Kitakita na lang sa bilibid
   kung umabot pa
   ang bangkay
   ng nag-ingay

Sige langoy!
Hindi man sa dagat ng basura;
Pero sa dagat
   ng dugong dumanak
   ng mga pinaslang
   ng bibliyang
   ginamit mo
   para umaalipusta
Sa nanghihingi ng kalinga;

Sisid sa kailaliman
  nang malaman mo
Ang kadiliman
  ng kaibuturan
  ng bituka
**** halang

Sige gamitin mo
   ang bibliya--
Ipangalandakang sugo ka!
Panginoong namimigay
   ng lupa
Panginoong may-lupa
   namimigay
Hindi sa hindi makatayo
   hindi makaupo
   maghapong nakayuko
Kundi sa pulang watawat
   na may limang dilaw na bituin
   marikit na kumikinang
Habang unti unti nitong
   nilalamon ang bawat isla
   bawat industriya
Idagdag sa kanilang makina
   na may nabubulok na sistema
Hanggang sa wala nang matira;
Hanggang sa ang perlas
Ng silanganan
Ay tuluyan nang
Malaspag
Na parang isang puta

Fighting my demons are always hard
For they have the poet's mind
That lured me in their metaphors of
the taste of the sun
or the comfort of solitude

They pull me in between their lines of
Desperation and depression
As if basking in the sunlight will make it less empty

They tangle me in the swirl of the words
Embracing me with each broken thorn of a flower,
or every drizzle of the rain, or every blanket of snow
or the feel of the breeze
As if those imagery
will make it less painful;
Written in papyrus with the ink as thick as blood and teardrops on the footnotes
As if those drops can lessen the burden that clutches my chest

They envelope me with every space
in between their words
as if letting me breathe
but then they enter
cutting the peace in between letters
but never putting a period
to end this miserable excuse for a poem
they made me

It's all a hallucination
An endless illusion
for in the end
I'm still chained,
existing with this void inside
and with my demons
Eating the life out of me

Then suddenly pressing save
for all the world to see
without even really
saving me

Empty, hollow, eerily silent;
That's what's inside,
And surprisingly,
It doesn't bother me.

It was:
     Comforting, like the
     Soft waves of the sea,
     Or the gentle breeze of the wind,
     Or the rays of the sun,
     Or even the dimness of the moon.
It touches what's within.
If there's any, that's it.

I'm feeling everything
     That I can't even feel anything
     That I can feel nothing
     Anymore.

How can someone feel so empty
With no particular reason at all?

How can someone cry
     When there's nothing to cry for---
     When there's literally nothing
     Like that someone
     Who is empty to begin with?

Shouldn't someone cry for
What existed and got lost
Not because something doesn't?
Not because of nothing?

Nothing feels RIGHT anymore.
NOTHING feels right anymore.

Empty, hollow, eerily silent;
That's what's inside,
Eating the life out of me,
wanting me to cease to exist,
Tearing me from I don't know what.

Is this something you should nurse?
     The pain for it to go away,
     Or for you to be immune with it,
     To be constantly reminded,
     That you're still alive,
     That you're still capable
     Of feeling just anything
     Even if it is painful.

Despite the nothingness
That shades your being,
Despite the tears that came after
That threatened to spill even after
You let them all out;
It just wouldn't stop, would it?
Like how this emptiness can't be filled?

The wind is lucky it has the trees
     That danced with it
     With the daisies swaying
     To the symphony of its existence.

The sun is lucky it has its light
     That shines day and night
     With its rays stretched proudly
     And its warmth embracing thee.

The moon is lucky it has the stars
     Giving company to lonely hearts
     Or longing gazes through the night
     Never minding the light years apart.

The water is lucky it has hydrogen
     And a dose of oxygen
     That it can breathe life
     Calming the storm I'm brewing.

The earth is lucky it has all these
     That made it important
     To everyone's existence
     That it's something
     One can't live
     Without.

When will I be lucky
     When I don't even know
     If I still have my soul;
     When the only thing I know
          Is that I'm becoming a shell
          With nothing inside,
          With a hollow inside,
          Like a huge chunk of me
          Was eaten by
          An endearing, savage, yet
          Eerily silent nothingness.

Empty, hollow, eerily silent;
     That's what's inside,
     But it doesn't matter
     Because people don't have the time
     To look past the soul;
     Only the outside---
     The shell of a being I once was.

i don't have the courage
to spill my feelings
or even fight for you

but i also don't have the guts
to finally, cowardly,
and undoubtedly give you up

tethering hopelessly,
i am contented to never be,
contented within an arm's length
for i am yours to hold
but you're not mine to own.

A peck on my shoulder,
so light like a feather---
still brings tingles
as our scents mingle
--- the mint and coffee
and a little bit of berry.

Our breaths ragged
No other words was said;
Just our bodies
Clashing like chaos and peace
Like heaven and hell
It's all too well
And no words will ever rhyme
To describe how close enough
We are to touch
how your fingertips clutch
the curve of my waist
pulling me in haste
craving my taste
While I just heave a sigh,
Your hands brushing my thigh.
Then your eyes darken,
Like a beast was awoken
Clinging to me tightly,
Your lips suddenly,
Capturing mine---
So sweet like red wine.

I hear the warning bells rang
But my God, your tongue!
Such an explorer
Tasting every corner
of my mouth,
Making my heart shout
While I fail to suppress a moan
turning you on
rewarding me with your groan.

Then your hands start to roam
under my shirt
under my skirt
As my hands took off your coat
Your fingertips wrote
the very words
I want to blurt

Then you stopped
looked straight in my eyes
as I try to look up
Avoiding your eyes
So blue as the sky
As you try to be sly
Holding my chin,
Wearing your grin
Like you win.

And all the while---
I'm wondering
What's going
On in that head of yours
and of course,
you answered this
with another kiss;
Putting me out of blue,
You said, "I love you".

You're a page torn
From my diary
Keeping all my secrets
Accepting my demons
Calming my  3 am thoughts

Inks are smudged
Tear marks are dried
You kept them all
But you were the very
Reminder of all that's ****** up
in my life

You're a page torn
From my diary
Used, crushed, messy
Still, it's my biggest regret
To cut you off

Blank space was left
Empty bowl was bereft
Occupied mind is what it was
Numb heart is what it has

Staring
Not thinking
Surviving
Not living

Surrendering
Everything
Surrendering
Nothing

Alive but dead
Covered in red
Slowly flowing
Losing everything

Gaining something
Hearing nothing
Beats gone
It's done

Such a relief
As the thief
Runaway with it
Never again you'll meet

Willingly
You let it be
Finally
You are free.

A white paper
Not a single letter
Lies in there
Lies you cover

Heart thumps
Foot stomps
Nervousness
Hide the mess

Truth in dark
Killed the spark
Hope is dead
Life ended

Secret
You kept
How long
You'll live wrong?

eyes closed
    entering oblivion
        this is the only
                    time
                      i
           ­       don't want
                          to
escape

You are my salvation
Yet my destruction
Amidst the dark abyss
You are the peace

The touch of your lips
Of your fingertips
Like cannabis
I don't wanna miss

Intoxicating and addicting
Tempting and taunting
Too much for my bidding
Screams danger to my everything

Still, I can't stop
I keep going back
Like magnets do
I can't make it through without you

Though we're opposite
We've got something exquisite
Wanting something I can't have
Loving someone I shouldn't love

Here then gone
Making me undone
Tastes like twilight
Sun losing its bright
Triggers my longing
Still hoping
That in some twisted tale
Our love won't fail
'Cause your kiss, a miracle
Brings me to pinnacle

My first thought in the morning
Last thought in the evening
My dreams at dawn
You crawl into my bones

I hope
This is not just one of your jest
I'm falling to the crest
My insides a mess
But it never made me love you less

You wreak havoc
The moment you walk
And came into my view
Everything's like honeydew
Stammeringly delightful
And I'm stuck trying to keep my cool
Trying to stop the pull
Though I'll be left emptyful
'Cause a death's kiss is the end
End of a beginning
For love not to a friend
But to someone who became my everything.

Under the haze of reality
"You're lazy"
Echoes in your ears
When everyday
You're worse for wear
Toiling the lands
With your coarse hands,
The callouses so thick
Still you remain meek
Against the landlords
With their noose
Around your neck
Tightening
Gripping
Clenching
Until you can't breathe
Gasping for air


The blood, the sweat
The tears as your eyes wet
They can't see
The struggle
How you juggle
Taking care of the lands
And of the family you left home


When will it be your turn
To be taken care of
By the mother you love so
By the brothers in the capital
Saying we're all equals
As they fool people
With their jargon
With their orders and sections
Rules and regulations
Disguising their intentions
Schemes so evil
People end in peril


When will they give you
Time to rest
Time to voice your distress
Time to stand up for your rights
And finally see the light
Of day
The day you become equal
Not only in mere words
Or campaign spiels
Or posters and flyers
Decaying as they hold power
For years and years
As if you're just a stone
They've stepped on

Dear child, it's time
Time to say enough
Time to call out their bluff
Time to not be afraid
Time to stand up and fight
Dear child, fight for your rights.

i want the conversations every morning
with the aroma of coffee surrounding us,
with your eyes gleaming as they met mine,
with your humming melting my ears,
and with your teasing smiles
and your laughing eyes
as i watch you wash the dishes

i just want a comfortable life,
the one in which we stay together for a long while—
i'll chat with you while you cook
and you'll chat with me while i plant daisies.
i may be clumsy
with fixing things around the house,
but you'll be there
so we can laugh about it together.

i don't care about fancy dinners,
out-of-town trips, or weekend getaways
i'm fine with reading books on a lazy afternoon,
or watching movies, chilling at night, with our blanket on
while holding our wine glasses,
or waking me up with a kiss on the forehead
greeting me with your gentle smile

i want someone to watch true crime series with
coupled with cuddles on rainy days,
or animated films on the happy days,
or docuseries with a pint of ice cream at hand
on my moody days,
or variety shows on ordinary days,
just letting everyday pass in this mundane world

i don't need to be seen in rose-tinted glasses,
a pair of crystal-clear lenses is fine with me,
the ones where you can tell me everything
and know that i'll accept you no matter what
and guide you to what's right,
the ones where i can tell you everything
and know that you'll console me,
then scold me, then advise me afterward.

i don't need gifts or surprises,
i don't even need to celebrate anniversaries,
i just want to spend a lot,
a whole lot of them with you,
so stay with me for a long time
and it'll be more than enough
for this heart of mine.

for a while there,
i thought you could see---
the shackles on my feet,
the tape on my mouth,
the cloth on my eyes
the truth behind the lies;
the noose on my neck,
the cotton on my ears,
the ropes on my wrists,
the hand pulling the strings.

for a while there,
i almost believed,
but you're just another
false prophet
turning me into a puppet;
using me for your agenda
trapping me into an illusion---
illusion of euphoria.

for a while there,
i thought you could understand:
the truth behind my
coarse hands,
dry throat,
tired eyes,
bulging veins,
hunched back,
parched skin,
pale lips,
and bruised heart,
and shattered pride,
and broken dreams,
and endless tears.

for a while there,
i hoped:
you could listen
as i speak;
you could speak
as i lose my voice;
you could fight
as i lose my courage;
you could upend
the triangle,
as i was stuck scraping
the bottom of the barrel.

sigh---
for a while
there, i saw the sinister
eyes of the bourgeoisie
failing to mask
your avarice,
failing to hide
your dark desires.

for a while
there, i saw the truth
behind your lies:
how you're on the other side
with all the false sympathizers,
mingling with the puppet masters,
holding millions of lives,
toying us in your palms,
treating us as pawns,
as if you are gods
deciding the fate
of us pitiful humans.

for a while
there, i saw it;
the light diminishing,
the shadows expanding,
the hope extinguishing.

for a while
there, i felt it;
the air suffocating,
my body shivering,
the blood flowing
on the ground.

in just a short while,
it ended;
just as how fast
a bullet reaches the head.

the fates are so unfair
catching me unaware
that i have sauntered vaguely downwards
but keep putting me in despair
because i will never be the one
the one you'll honour as your partner
the one you'll stand with at the altar
the one you'll take your vows with
the hand you'll hold on the street
the body you'll hug in your sleep
and the lips that you'll kiss deeply and sweetly

it'll never be me
we can never be
i will just keep longing
forever hoping
that in our next lifetimes
you'll finally be mine
finally, it'll be us always all our days
that despite the circumstances
you'll choose me anyways

it's hard to be a woman—
either you're too ******
     or you're too fake,
either you're unattractive
     or you're a *****
     attracting starving men left and right,
either you're trying so hard to be smart
     or you're too dumb to still want
     to be a puppet
     always in the men's beck and call.

you can't talk too much,
you shouldn't have opinions
     against the misogynists
     against the bigots,
'cause you're supposed to laugh
at other women's misfortunes
—that way—
you'll shine brighter.

you're supposed to celebrate
the misfortunes of the underprivileged,
—that way—
it's easier to climb higher
     and have your place behind
     the patriarch,
the dictator.

even if people are feeding you the truth,
you must not swallow it
'cause it harms a man's ego
it's better to be deaf
from the pleas of other women,
from the pleas of the children
     who don't have enough food,
from the deafening silence
     of the oppressed media,
from the romanticization
     of poverty and resilience and heroism,
disguising the disgusting world
of patriarchy and capitalism.

my ******* salutes you who is a woman
yet blurts out that it's the woman's fault
     that she's *****,
     that she's sexually harassed,
     that she was treated as an object,
     that she opened her mouth,
only to be silenced with a bullet on her skull;
'cause you should just go **** yourself if ever—
your internalized misogyny
is polluting the already decaying society
     with the way you think,
     the way you act,
     the way you "encourage" people,
and just the way you live

to have a woman like you
is such a waste of effort
of the millennium
women like you spent fighting for their rights,

just go slave yourself away;
i hope you realize
you're a shame
     of hundreds of years,
     of courage,
     of voice,
     of persuasion,
of a woman.

so better ask yourself:
are you proud of the woman
that you are?
can other women be proud
of the woman you turned out to be?

i won't leave traces
that i'm changing into different faces
fooling people of my desires
i'm stranded on a wire
with just one wrong step
people will know the depth
of my longing

i'd like to think i'm only indulging
and will not forever be craving
the taste of your lips
the way your hands fall into my hips
as our breaths mingle
as our tongues entangle
making my body all tingly
leaving your scent into me

there will be no traces
of this poisonous fruit my heart chases
because this is just a phase
and i'll sober up one of these days

but for now, let your traces seep deep into my bones
and let the room be filled with both our moans

if i have three lives, i spent two of them with you;
having midnight coffees and afternoon wine,
and sunset kisses then admire how your eyes shine
under the moonlight even when venus retrogrades

if i have three lives, two of which dyed with your hue;
my days lit up by your smile and your quirks,
and how peculiar and bizarre your mind works,
bathing the world with iridiscence that never fades

if i have three lives, i must've loved you in two;
thanked the universe for my twice granted prayers,
as the redwoods witnessed our hairs turn grey together,
and fallen perfectly in love with the life we made

if i have three lives, i missed you in one;
this one life without my constant—
i won't be particularly unhappy,
i would enjoy my morning coffees,
probably have afternoon teas,
and adopt a cat to cuddle and kiss

i would still admire the hyperions,
go on walks and adore the citylights at dawn,
look for your soul in every person i meet,
return home for another drink,
go to bed hoping for a glimpse
of you and relive the lives we shared in my dreams,
and wonder once in a while that maybe
you're out there waiting for me

if i have three lives, know that i wished
for you in between my thoughts,
in every sombre night, i was left distraught
and so i picked up the pen to write this
just in case you ask me how i lived
that one life without you.