Put me on your wall
To catch everything unwanted
Bad thoughts of consuming darkness
Emptiness feeling complete
Doubts of tomorrow arriving

I want to hold onto all of these
Memorize their architecture
Rehearse the words in the sky
Tattoo them on my skin
To finally become, a part of your dreams

Yes,
I am happy.
For the first time
in a long, long while.
I read her words,
they make me smile,
every **** time,
I can't resist her,
even if I tried.
And I remember
how down I was
the last time,
the time before,
and the time before that.
But I found
how happiness is easy.
Just doing things
I want to do,
the way I want
to do them.
When I wake up,
I know this time,
I have found my sun,
and she shines just for me.

She kissed me
not because
she wanted to
but because
she could.

We fell in
love.
Not because
we could
but because
we wanted to.

We made
mistakes.
Not because
we wanted to
but because
we could.

We thought
we were
perfect.
Not because
we could
but because
we wanted to.

I vomited in
the bathroom
of a
Baltimore
7-11
because
sometimes
you cannot
hold it in
much
longer.

Her hands shook
as she held her
mirror
because
sometimes
your reflection
can only
tell you
so much.

My body shook.
Her body stiff.
And when
the bodies
move
the hearts
stop.

She lied some.
I drank words.
The veins
in hands
are maps
to imagined
consciousness.

Really,
it's just
a
*******
*****.

Music to
my ears.
Nervousness
between
blinks.
Noise to
my brain.

She said,
"I love you"
not because
she wanted to
but because
she could.

I said,
"I love you, too,"
not because
I could
but because
I wanted to.

When the girl, I loved, died,
I locked myself in her room
while her parents were in Arizona.

I went through her things
and found
**** photos;
A few where she seemed
ashamed
and a few where she
liked her body.
She had a gummy smile
and in others
she looked down at her *******
while having a blank expression.

I found empty
alcohol bottles.
Cheap bottles of wine
and a bottle of red,
stuffed with tissue paper.

Under her dresser
I found an unopened
letter she intended to
give the boyfriend before me,
where she admitted
to being ***** as a teenager
and how she hoped
it wasn't too much
baggage.

I threw out the photos
and
alcohol bottles,
but not the letter.

I don't know why but I kept it.
I occasionally read it,
because it's her,
and I love her.

I told my friend
and he called me a
Halomaker,
because I made sure
she was remembered
as an angel.

There's no satisfaction
In the pain
That courses through me
There's no enjoyment
In the happiness
That in your eyes
I can see
There's no love
In my heart
That breaks daily
There's no one
In my life
That I can see
There's no hope
In my future
That will show mercy
There's nothing
Left in this world
That can make me **happy

got back to my apartment
got ****** up as hell
to remind myself
of all the things that are me
stars and mountains,
an idividual gravity
sang sad songs
filled with Eddie, breathing
and seasalt
to bring forth my occult
the little witchcraft in my skin
I washed it down with a cigarette
to remind myself
*don't give in

Sometimes I forget I'm me
In a sea of infinity