i fall in love with every sunset.
i fall in love with hidden restaurants
that have lights stringing along
the ceiling.
i fell in love with the way i healed
my own heart after he left.
i fell in love with each time i broke
my own heart only to grow stronger.
i fell in love with the way he sat next to
me by the river.
i fell in love with the way he knew how
much i loved to be kissed, and then
i fell in love with how much he took
advantage of it when he was drunk.
i fell in love with the way he sat at
the kitchen table all night with me until
we fixed the problem.
i fell in love with the way he asked me
if i liked the new shirt his mom bought him.
i fell in love with the way he asked me to
read his grocery lists.
i fell out of love when his jealous mind
raged wars on me for months at a time.
i fell out of love when i heard him talking
about the other girls.
i fell out of love when i decided to love
someone new.
i did not love how sometimes i can still
feel his hands on my waist
and his lips on my shoulders.
i did not love how much i would think
about him day and night.
i did not love the fact that there
is no explanation for the way i feel
about him.
there is no reason i want to chase what
doesn't want me, only to leave behind
what would give me the world.
i fell in love with the way the
cigarette burns lined up on his
skin and then never looked back.

I knew it was for the best.
I sacrificed my heart for you
when I gave it to someone else
because I knew we would only end
up broken.
I knew this was it for us.
whatever we were
whatever we had
would be gone for the rest of our lives.
I could take it I knew I could.
I would soon forget about you.
and when I woke up new year’s day
after you got drunk and angry and destroyed everything in your house,
i told my friend, and she said,
“i’m glad he didn’t break you”
but I think walls and glass weren’t
the only things that have been broken
by him the last nine months.

Your name popped up on my phone
right at midnight on my birthday.
You wished me a happy birthday before
anyone else.
Your name also popped up on
my phone at 2 am
when you're drunk
and alone.
Your name popped up on my phone
at 10 am
apologizing for what you did
the night before.
You wouldn't leave
but maybe you're not
suppose to.

I have been looking for the words
to describe this feeling for 26 days
and they didn't come to me until
you left me to be with her.
I told you that I wanted you to be
happy, and god do I wish that were true.
I was suppose to be your happy.
It was suppose to be me.
I made myself vulnerable to you
and you chose her.
and I thought to myself,
"I cant wait to find someone
who loves me unconditionally
for who I am as a person"
and I thought I found that in you
until you left my home
to go be with her at yours.

I couldn't figure out the missing
piece of me until I was driving home
from my childhood home and realized
I didn't actually have a home.
My childhood home was filled with
so many ghosts and a father
who couldn't stay sober for the
sake of my mother, brother, and me.
My home away from home was
filled with so much pain that
I caused on my own
seeing as I was nothing
but a train wreck these days.
I was missing a sense of warmth
in my heart because I had no where
to run. But maybe it wasn't about
running, maybe I should have made
my own home inside my own heart.
Maybe my own body and soul
would be the only home I could
make sure would never crumble.

Dark hair.
Dark hair was what
I was always after.
That was until you swept
into the room with
blonde curls
falling down your
forehead.
And I can spot that
red Mustang from miles
and miles away.
I started to paint
my nails red.
My lips red.
Even though I was never
that fond of the color red.
You painted my life
a different color
when you entered it
and im afraid that i will
never be able to get rid of it.