what if you asked me, how I was doing
and I answered
something along the lines of,
well, I've actually been very tired
for awhile now
but of course, we all are every once in a while,
so it's all good.

would you nod and leave it at that
or would you say,
well, now that I think about it,
I've been kind of feeling pretty tired too,
so why don't we talk about it.

alone in this unfamiliar city
I want to take the keys to my car and just go anywhere else
drive until the thoughts in my head run out of gas
there’s so many questions I don’t know how to answer
tears are streaming down my face
and all I can see is yours
I wonder if i broke your heart by running away
I get a sick thrill from knowing you’d miss me
I just want to be alright, I see myself screaming it at you
You can’t understand you can’t possibly understand what this feels like I say as I claw at my skin
I’m dying inside but the rest of me is alive
my hearts beating
Smoke swirling around the fire I’ve set
You’re staring at me through the grey
I’m covered in blood I’m wiping it off like a madman
you’re reaching for me but I don’t know how to tell you this isn’t real
None of this is real
you and I
We’re over
And no smoke signals will bring you back to me

sunshine and smiles
you’re everything I’m not

Your energy exceeds mine
your beauty overpowers my brokenness

I want to soak it in and find my peace in your arms

but I can see the image so clearly
I can see it as it burns in my brain

my thin frame barely enough to make out the hospital gown, I’m screaming through the tears, fighting against my own self

and there you are, like a shadow
watching from afar
Your face cemented in horror
you never signed up for this kind of sickness
The one you can’t ever really see
But I’m too afraid to let it get far enough for you to ever understand

i woke up this morning and felt something shift inside me.
it was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders; it was freeing.
i could breathe easier, think more clearly, and talk coherently.
i didn't check to see if anyone was watching me through the window.

in case you're wondering, i don't think of you much anymore.
my mind doesn't wander to thoughts of you and me and what was us.
my head is less crowded now that i've finally let go of you and me and us.
i sleep through the night, and that had never happened before.

i woke up this morning, and i smiled sincerely for the first time in weeks.
my freckles don't stand so stark against my skin in the mirror.
i'm starting to really love the girl i see in my reflection.
i'm starting to think and to believe that i can and will accomplish my dreams.

in case you're wondering, i'm not the broken girl you used to love.
i don't constantly wonder if i'm enough for anyone anymore.
i don't wonder why you couldn't love me the right way from the start.
and whatever good times we shared, well, i threw them out with last week's trash.
because we never really were in love, were we now?

you didn't make time, you were never really there and i know you never truly cared.
and i was a fool for staying by your side when all you ever did and continued to do was lift me up and then knock me down.
and i'm not a fool for your love anymore.
i moved on to something bigger and better and have no room for you in my life anymore.

He likes me,
He likes me not...
He likes me