I miss how we used to be
when we would laugh
smiling with pure joy
trust and love

that's all lost now
it's never coming back

I remember seeing the therapist,
she always had an optimistic smile
painted onto her face,
her hair was grey in a way that shone
like a hopeful beacon,
her eyes sparkling with silver
like a medal I had yet to achieve

but as we talked I saw her grin flicker
into a disappointed frown,
her short strands of hair
grew frazzled and confused,
worst of all her eyes changed

I've never felt smaller then I did then,
under her pitiful gaze.

I found the teddy
that I named after you

it's fur is still fluffy
even though it's aged and *****

it's eyes bright blue
just how urs sometimes were
not always though, you had green too

I hug this toy
holding it as tight as I can
squishing it against my chest
kissing it's head

wishing it would turn in to you

I feel hollow
like some scooped pit my guts
stole my beating heart
threw it on the ground

when did they stop caring for me?
for my feelings.

My days been a horrible one
for no specific reason.
I lay in bed I'm boredom
scrolling endlessly on my phone
in a desperate attempt to preoccupy my mind
away from the decisions that plague me

All day I tried to break this curse
of this neverending scroll.
My attempts to pry my face from the screen
have been continuously unsuccessful

However, now the rain does fall outside
comforting me greatly
even in the peak of summer
the world does give me the greatest gift
the ocean
the rivers
the ponds
falling outside my window

So with my cat sleeping by my side
I vow to drop my phone and pick up my book
as though I may not get up from my vertical position
as though the sun's getting ready to sleep
this day is still mine and I'll spend it how I please

I stare at the camera shutter
as it opens and closes slowly
a flash of light,
encapsulating this time,
these seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months,
years.
It can all change so quickly
or so slowly.
So dreadfully, painfully slowly
that minutes seem to last forever
that years seem a while life time away

So as the lens stares back
at my smiling cheeks
at my red eyes,
I wonder how long this will last
and in a while lifetime,
I mour what could of been, what will never be,
most importantly what I long to be

Until the pictures taken.

I used to scrawl my words on paper
writing twisting lines until my hand ached,
turning grey from the pencil lead

I liked how the scribbles showed my work
erasing and reforming
until I thought I'd found the correct words

Now I write onto my phone,
tapping buttons on my notes app,
deleting my mistakes with ease

my beds a monster
with layers of warmth
heat emanating from within,
it's steady breathe
lungs rising and falling
rocks me too sleep,
it listens carefully with it's round ears
absorbing my tears and worries
to store deep within

sometimes my bed gets angry,
it's jaw opening wide beneath me
threatening to swallow me whole,
refusing to relinquish it's hold
as my screams are muffled in it's pillows

Sometimes I feel guilty
for all the stories I will never read
for the character who's wisdom I'll never know
for the books I leave untouched
as all these tales hold the authors heart
their beliefs and values they aspired to share
the world's they wished they lived in
the friends they wished they had
which I will now never know

I used to be academic
people would call me bright
smart was always the first description of me,
it came before everything
so I was always on tope of my work
with high grades
even though I was naturally average

I would pride myself in this
and others would too,
I was always happy
knowing I'd made my parents proud

now the new year hasn't even started
I still have two days left of summer,
somehow I'm already behind,
questioning all my subjects,
feeling hopeless and alone

What if all of life is just faking it?
Struggling to get through the mess
tripping over dilemma after dilemma
rumbling through problems and disappointments
just come out with a fake smile
a grin that seems to meet their eyes at the corners
a grin that only they know isn't real
that hides all they suffer through
just for a few hours
before they are alone and go through it all over
again.

After my tears had fallen
their path all dried up
my eyes less red
less puffy, less full

I thought of my problem
how I could not fix it now,
only with time will it develop
for better or worse

How many times have I cried in my life?
All the issues I've encountered
that felt like the end of the world
but I'm still here after

The words I say feel fake
as they pour out my mouth,
a river of assurance
hiding a false facade

My days are filled
with hoping my mask never falls,
but it's glass anyway
that attempts to conceal my face

My cheeks rosey red
as I grind my teeth together,
a pit of worry in my stomach
turns my mind over