Once a window came down over me
and I saw through it, there
in the distorted time signatures
changing to odd-numbers on even
seconds pass since
I watched you
walk out of the frame
and you never noticed
a bed of broken wishes
and sunken-middle vases.

The sky unrolls like parchment
and angels lose their footing
as all the devils of the world
fly free, screaming.

You've spun your pretty blonde hair
and now you just look away
and I'm left, stranded
driving off into
a neon horizon.

Your hair
tangles
hands
across hips
the color red
your familiar
alien scent
as stars dance
in your dilating eyes.

It's a cold and lonely world
when the only person
you can talk to
is paid to do so
once every ten days or so.

When no one wants details,
and friends respond only with emojis
the cold of Winter
snaps especially deep.

When you are here,
you light up my world.
And so,
when you're gone,
I keep all the lights on.

The bedroom light on
(I imagine you in there reading)
The bathroom light on
(I imagine you in there grooming)
The living room light on
(I imagine you doing homework)

And still,
my world,
is dim.

She sings but
the song
isn't the same
without you
here.

And I can taste
the tears
you do not shed
as your pretty head
rests elsewhere.

I could bring the blood
of a thousand sacrifices
spilling entrails
through the fingers
just to hear
you call me
by My name.

Are you there?
If so,
it's less.

And you say don't plant flowers,
then wonder why we have no garden.

And you say don't call you by name,
then wonder why we've become strangers.

And you say don't give,
then wonder why we share nothing.

And you say don't speak freely,
then wonder why meals are so silent.

Are you there?

Are you?

I look to you
but there's no one
there.

And this non-silence
cuts through skin
leaving only nerves
unwound like noodles.

I can quiet this vessel
with lies and straw
like the effigy
lit to us.

"What will my parents think?"
she whispered as his eyes flashed red.
"They won't even know you're dead, "
spoke his venom just outside her head.

Brittle flesh
Delicate hair
Cloth on mouth
Lack of air

******* and your righteousness.
******* and your heart.
******* and your pretty head.
You were dead from the start.

Your lips taste like gunmetal
and I'm a waste of time
and energy.

So I held her down
under my tongue
until she
fired her life off into my mouth.

Picasso on the wall
intricate patterns and raw shapes
leave the message I always
wanted.

Pull me back,
expose the nerves
violet scabs as
we relieve ourselves
in each other.

Darkened doorsteps
in the collapse of a decade.

Fill me up, drunkard.

Empty me out, wife.

I am nothing without you but everything.

Will you stay?

The days fall together
like books falling
from a shelf.

The walls have faces
where the clocks
lost hands.

And it is,
so it is,
and shall be
in a cascade of
goose-flesh
and
happiness.

Cradle, my love, in my arms
and hear the wind whisper your name.

Open your heart,
the world is cold enough already.

The storms that have
spread their grey fingers across you are such a burden.

Listen to my nursery rhyme
that drips from my lips,
and as you feel the
heavy comfort of my hand
on your head,
sleep.

"You are stronger than you think,"
she said,
not realizing
my situation
only came about
because of my weakness.

When my bed doesn't
smell like you anymore
When the bathroom isn't
cluttered with your stuff
When the closet
hangs half full of a ghost
When the kitchen
no longer smells like your cooking

And when all your smiles
fall off the walls
And my refrigerator
(so happy to have it)
screams at me with
newly bare metal...

What will be the point?

I watch the ticks tick away
seconds, to hours, and into days...
Scratching my eyes out
to get you to stay.

But time kills everything,
including this, apparently.

And so I can drink until
there's nothing left
(of me).

And so I can wet this page
until it melts away
like so much sewage.

But how long can I hold on to this?

I don't mean to you, or him, or any relationship or want of mine.

I mean to life.

You are the ocean
that fills me
sustains me.

I cannot live on
foreign waters.

My dying tongue
Parched mouth
Would ne'er sustain me
As I crawled
Hands cracked
Knees ground to the bone
To a drop
If a drop is
all you give me.

I would reject all other
rivers
lakes
seas
rains
for the one drop from you and
the sweet taste of your waters.

If there is a ghost of you
these are the edges
the cheek-turn,
the second-guesses,
the body-lean
the back I face
as I only cry this blood
wishing for your grace.

My lips hang from the edge
of your lips
for a moment,
then meet...

(My soul is blinded by you.
My heart is only for you.
My love will not fail you.
My mind will not destroy us again.)

...and part.

Here's my simple life
diamond spinning in a whirl
Up, down, hop on Pop
where's my little girl?

I'm chewing gristle
gnashing my teeth on bone
yet somehow it
is like honeycomb
and in it,
sweetness.

Splinters of bone between
my teeth like
macabre toothpicks,
quills of a porcupine,
fangs of a spider.

I am not
stone building
mortared wall
mountain range
concrete foundation
giant rock boulder

I am
a cool breeze
rain on a sunny day
music in the trees
the beating of your heart
rich soil foundation
with deep roots of
hope
faith
love.

I'm sorry for the toll
my mental health took
on your sweet soul.

The nights of worry
watching me disintegrate
in a grey-shaded room
where you must have felt...

...so alone.

And if I could break
this time-line error
I would save the baby girl
that was being suffocated.

Take her hand
(Fight)
Tell her it's alright
(Fight)
Cradle her precious face
(Fight)
And never look away from her doe-eyes
(Fight)

I'm so sorry
little one.

Your body becomes
flowing water beneath
my hands. I mold you,
clay. You are so
tight.

Stretching you, bare,
we search for lips,
meet, starving
worshipers who
sacrifice themselves
on the temple
of the other.

Hand on your ***
I've made a meal of you.
****** four ways
you pull your legs
as far apart as you can,
begging for breeding,
and my heavy load of seed,
explodes against your ******

And we are home.

I'll burn this belly out
churning up coffee grounds
whiskey builds the fire
loss, the kindling
dreams, the fuel
and then you wake
and realize it's
done...

There was no fire left.
There was no good use for the loss.
The dreams...empty
and you realize you're
done...

Open my mouth
cornocopia of
rainbowed feathers
pour out.

You were
my time machine.
With you,
I could see a future.

I'm curating a list
one final time
Play it through
it'll feel like a crime.

I've lived for the taste of your
flesh, wet with desire
a mess between your legs,
lapped up like a dog
unworthy of worshiping you.

I have prayed at your temple
white cream formed from your lips
engorged
I enter you
and never
again
are my prayers returned.

I wrote you love poems
long before I met you

and I will

write you love poems
long after you are gone.

You appear like a ghost
haunting my mind
infecting my heart.
Are you even here,
or am I imagining your presence
like a husband pining
for a dead wife?

Were you ever here, really?
Did I have a life with you
or is that just a dream
I am remembering?

Clots of blood surface
saying we have nothing in common
but I know, really,
that they are only imagined
in a reality I could see past
but you couldn't.

So who are you?
Who am I without you?
I've been finally catching up
but you are long gone
and I never had a chance.

But I'm glad you
eased your concerns
by invading my
thoughts, presence, dreams...

At least you
got satisfaction.

Can you see yourself
the way the mascara runs
the wings splayed out
like an angel
naked
pale
leaning into her own
dissolution.

I would have moved the very crust of the Earth
to save you from myself.

I could only want one thing for you and that's
happiness, even if it's without me.

I can stare into this bottle of
whiskey in the jar
until the end isn't different
but we play pretend,
like it's okay it's not okay...
...okay.

And so I'll release you
but I may need to release myself
as well.

Everyone so lit up
drunk on drink
listless or the hope of a new year.

My mind is circling that black dot
growing larger by the minute.

It's cold, metal frame
eclipses all that remains.

I'm so tired
of laughing without the eyes
of crying without the tears
of wearing this mask
on top of a mask
just to keep
people
satisfied.

Like the generations before
and those loved
and those remembered
I'm joining the club.

I'm not calling to ancestors
I'm joining them
I'm becoming an empty ghost
in an empty tomb
which all of her light
has left.

And I can stare right into that black
it's there anywhere I look around
and just like the song, I'm thinking maybe
six feet ain't so far down.

The world crumbles
as my feet lose footing
as my eyes stare, crying
as my heart stops, dissolving
as my soul becomes emptiness
as my hardest attempts to
hold on
are met with
nothing.

I'm building a room
for a little princess girl
White curtains with fringes in pink
Bedding all in pink, save white ruffles
on the edge of the blanket, and pillows.
A dresser with vanity,
soft wood, painted pink,
with darker pink (almost indigo?)
handles.
The walls, pink.
The door, pink.
Everything pink.

But the piece de resistance?
The white framed windows,
filled with the most beautiful
crystalline
pink
glass.

Because of this, every bit of light
entering the room
swirls in a kaleidoscope of sunlight
shaded pink.

And in the bed
my baby girl
pink P.J.s
asleep
safe
content.

Suffocate the children
leave all outs behind.
Run your fingers through
my ****** hair
lips to lips
to who knows where?

Children outgrow you,
it's inevitable.
But isn't all you ever wanted,
was for them to be better than you?

Now they are.
Now they've flown.
Out living in their
own new homes.

Follow instructions,
you know then well...

...obsolete
   ...outdated,
...erase
   ...destroy.

A tongue across top teeth
brittle spaces they hold
inside the guts of an urn
spray painted indigo,
and that
is your color.

You always say you write
Water,
while I write
Fire.

I write flame
and I burn brighter than most,
my love.

And you are the water
that somehow held me
alit
until the moment you
no longer could.

(my neglect, my taking for granted,
my mental illness [Bipolar etched ****** features], death and loss)

And now,  I've slipped
and been doused.
I no longer write flame
I write the snuffed out
I write the ones who lose
I write the loss of
purity
innocence
childishness
love
My little girl...
... gone.

And so it seems I've been drenched
in November Rain.
It's true, you know:
The pain of loss remains.

Dissolution
Unavoidable
Pick up the pieces.
Do they even exist?

I ease up cautiously to the door
gently place my eye to the keyhole
see her wide-eyed innocence
looking back,  afraid.

"It's gonna be allright,"
I sing gently
her favorite lullaby.

Slide a poem
on a piece of paper
under the door.

Show her the treasures
our life together holds...
held...
will hold.

Meet her eye in peace
a gentle coaxing
at her pace.

If today were my last day,
taken away by my disease,
I want you to know
that love has never been
so pure,
easily because of you.
I would want you to
smile,
love,
live,
even if I couldn't any longer.

I'd want you to keep her safe
because I couldn't,
if today were my last day.

I love you
I say a thousand times
Would say
has said
wrapping my arms
around you
I will protect you
I will fight any battle for you
I will be the warm water
pouring into your empty cup
Filling you up,
pulling you to shore,
mouth to mouth,
you gasp...
you're back.

Ocean-sized my arms wide
taking pictures of a happy girl,
washing away in the tide,
the water split at sun rays,
sand was beneath your feet
oozing up through the toes,
pulling you longingly outwards
as the water slid by
and back out
to where it came from.

I've seen a sun rise
sense-shocking
but it is an empty gourd
next to the
light
I see in you.

A circle goes 'round
still after these years
you pained that sweet
little girl
and pained that sweet
little girl
and pained that sweet
little girl
and pained that sweet
little girl.

And are you not surprised?
She is numb to you, now.

He looks at her (his eyes dilate)
and says, "I'd
die
for you."

She frowns into a smile (she wears a mask)
and said, "No, please
live
for me."

And so,
he lived
for her.

And...
    then...
        she...
            left...

And with her
    went his
   reason to
       live.

My heights are like you've never seen,
I succeed where Icarus failed
and I touch the sky.

My beauty is
alluring,
but deadly.

I am higher than Everest,
and despite the many attempts,
none have survived.