RMatheson: Poems

I fade like an old Polaroid,
only phantoms remain of that time.

And I hang here,
dying like fruit
on the Hangman's Tree,
wishing I were you,
and wishing I were you,
and wishing I were you.

Sep 16 · 52

Kaleidoscope of Suicide

RMatheson Sep 16

Kaleidoscope of Suicide

All I know of it,
still so far away
I can still feel it,
washes me away.

I always lost at Hangman.

Still so far away,
all I know of it.
Washes me away,
though I still feel it.

Break my skull on the rock.
I hope you get to watch me die.

Aug 29 · 84

Can't Get Home

RMatheson Aug 29

Can't Get Home

I was supposed to get home
but everytime I
was about to round the corner
the ******* goalpost moved.

And I searched for you
like the ghosts of cigarettes
stained by your lipstick.

With the warmth on repeat
I'm surprised how you remember me
I'm painting a love story
So that I have something to remember
And I'll never forget
The words that fill the phrases
I've loved and I'll continue to love
You are the limit of my fantasies
Every day is the same as the next
I'm killing cigarettes in the morning again
I remember you, and I hope you do too
You're not smoking as you watch the sunrise
And all your tears are on your cheeks at the end of November
Then I lost you so foolishly
A photo against the background of acacias
I wanted to fly so much, but give me a reason to stay
With that warmth on repeat
I'm surprised you remember me
I'm painting a love story
So I'll have something to remember
And I'll never forget
The words that fill my phrases
I loved and I will love
You are the limit of my fantasies
I'm not guilty, do you hear
You're not guilty, that's for sure
I crawled like a gray mouse
To the places that no longer hurt us
My place is on the shelf
Next to the torn photo
Of the same acacias that someone once gave you
I would ask you to remember me for the rest of your life, but I don't want to hurt you
Barely holding back the emptiness of my soul
I'm calm on the outside
I'm sitting alone in the city of sakura
Without a hint of help
I'm surprised how you remember me
With the warmth on repeat
I'm surprised how you remember me
I'm painting a love story"
So that I'll have something to remember later
And I'll never forget
The words that fill the phrases
I loved and I will love
You are the limit of my fantasies
With the warmth on repeat
I'm surprised how you remember me
I'm painting a love story"
So that I'll have something to remember later

Aug 29 · 48

How am I Supposed to?

RMatheson Aug 29

How am I Supposed to?

Do this?
Any of this?

****.

Aug 29 · 55

Daydream

RMatheson Aug 29

Daydream

I feel it slipping in
that black dot again
begins staring at me
from the corner,
grinning.

I've got a Russian song in my head,
as I daydream of dying.

Aug 28 · 65

I'm in a Dopamine Pit

RMatheson Aug 28

I'm in a Dopamine Pit

To the flesh,
let it cut,
press our palms together,
and in that mingling
of red iron and DNA,
we are family.

Aug 27 · 89

Drunk on Cotton Candy

RMatheson Aug 27

Drunk on Cotton Candy

And I sit resisting the temptation
of her in my
daily struggle not to dry her hair
too quickly
as bright blue cotton candy
explodes into every corner
of my life.

Aug 27 · 27

Heterochromia

RMatheson Aug 27

Heterochromia

The brown-eyed
green-eyed girl
has seeped in,
and my eyes
have never been
so yellow.

Aug 21 · 65

I am Reaching to You

RMatheson Aug 21

I am Reaching to You

I am reaching to you
through this endless space
so I can touch you
and take
it all
away.

Aug 18 · 45

And Quietly You Sleep

RMatheson Aug 18

And Quietly You Sleep

Hope eludes you
through each day.

And quietly you sleep.

The day is harsh.
The night is rest.

And quietly you sleep.

I think of you.
Send my hope.

And quietly you sleep.

Im seeing you,
resting far away.

And quietly you sleep.

The world can't touch you,
the one I adore.

And quietly you sleep.

Aug 17 · 37

Fuck

RMatheson Aug 17

****

Just so close
to perfect

a blossom of feathers
rainbow-brilliant

Beyond the rationalization
Beyond her deep beauty
Beyond her child-soul
Beyond the out-of-nowhere

Beyond her defenses
I crawl, restoring
her hope
her peace
her safety

The peril to myself
is inconsequential.

Aug 17 · 32

Sunrise

RMatheson Aug 17

Sunrise

All I do is use
to pass time
until the Sun comes up
with her waking
smile.

Aug 16 · 49

Rescue Mission

RMatheson Aug 16

Rescue Mission

There are places
within you
that have not grown
that are still a part of you
that you've had to hide
for so long.

Purity
Innocence
Care
Safety

can still exist
in your world.

One time I grew into an adult, and it ******.

Aug 14 · 38

A Positive Male Role Model

RMatheson Aug 14

A Positive Male Role Model

I don't even know who
you are, yet.

But I need you
here
to bring light back
into this technicolor starvation.

Like a devil, she is everywhere
inside my marrow.
Like an angel, she blinds
inside my mind.

What do I even make of this?

Hold me together.
I'll break you apart.

Let me pick up
your pieces
put them together
reform
mi muñeca.

Aug 4 · 36

Homesick and Home is a Person

RMatheson Aug 4

Homesick and Home is a Person

Oh, the being of,
"I'm homesick."
and home
is a person.

Aug 1 · 30

All From an Angle

RMatheson Aug 1

All From an Angle

All from that angle,
collarbones and
shades of Heaven
splattered with the ink
of Hell,
were a man may pilgrimage
dying lost and breaking
only to collapse
like a star
falling in and resting
head on chest.

Jul 31 · 48

My Broken, Mending Heart

RMatheson Jul 31

My Broken, Mending Heart

"Life is pain"
it says to me,
my broken, mending heart.

"Just cut here,
and you'll be free", says
my broken, mending heart.

But you're just hurt
you must agree,
my broken, mending heart.

And in time,
you and I,
will reconcile reality.

So take your time,
but come back to me,
my broken, mending heart.

Jul 18 · 55

It All Fucking Shattered

RMatheson Jul 18

It All ******* Shattered

And everything broke,
in the end.

Like the teapots
we so delicately
cared for,
now shattered.

My heart is aching,
if it weren't so numb.

So I disappear

Jul 6 · 66

Bone White Victim Head

RMatheson Jul 6

Bone White Victim Head

God I love you
endlessly in your white sheet atrophy.

Distraught in my condolences,
drunk in my demeanor.

Fill me up with all your lust.

I can only exclaim what you have done.

Jun 27 · 70

Suffocate Me In Concrete

RMatheson Jun 27

Suffocate Me In Concrete

Picked away, again it bleeds.

How much until you are satisfied?

Will I be left alive,
afterwards?

Will I survive this
calling rope and loaded chamber?

Jun 17 · 76

Phantom Limb Father

RMatheson Jun 17

Phantom Limb Father

Some words from those most close
but nothing from the one that mattered most.

The one that could have filled the holes
he left when he left.

I've cut you off like an extra arm,
something useful at times,
but mostly just in the way.

And sometimes I look down at it
on Father's Day,
and wonder why
I ever let
you in.

So now I've severed my phantom limb
made your death in my life permanent
and with losing you from my life
I regain it.

"I'm all by myself. Like I've always been."

Jun 14 · 91

Pretty Dead Doll

RMatheson Jun 14

Pretty Dead Doll

You bend
and almost break.
My pretty dead doll
skin pale as bone
spreads her legs
like a gate to bliss
now wide open.

Worship your white stone temple
words whispered from my thirst.

My hand over your mouth.

With tongue and fingers
I write my worship.

Jun 13 · 91

Digital Girl

RMatheson Jun 13

Digital Girl

All zeros and ones
binary becoming
the form of my dream
out of the digital screen.

Jun 10 · 74

Guess What You Were Doing

RMatheson Jun 10

Guess What You Were Doing

When I was sitting at home, considering suicide,
you were ******* someone else.
When I was too nervous to even go outside,
you were ******* someone else.
When I was staring down the barrel,
you were ******* someone else.
When I was needing love and protection,
you were ******* someone else.

And when I needed my
wife,
soul-mate,
friend,
lover,
more than ever,
guess what you were doing?

Jun 8 · 162

Plush

RMatheson Jun 8

Plush

Yes come,
let's surround ourselves
with each other.

Jun 5 · 100

Ink Lust

RMatheson Jun 5

Ink Lust

I want to spread you open
like the blank pages I use
to write on,
and cover you in the poetry
of my lust.

Jun 3 · 91

Too Sweet to Let Go

RMatheson Jun 3

Too Sweet to Let Go

I weigh down on you
through sunset
and into the black.

I nearly crush your little frame,
reducing you into your safety.

Can you feel me?

Who are you?

I'm here,
waking in a sweat,
from a dream too sweet,
to let go.

"Weigh down on me. Stay till morning. Way down...would you say I'm worthy?"

Jun 1 · 134

The Clouds are Weeping

RMatheson Jun 1

The Clouds are Weeping

The sky is greying
like an old man
and the clouds are so close
to crying your name.

Jun 1 · 234

You Hear Me, Don't You, Distant?

RMatheson Jun 1

You Hear Me, Don't You, Distant?

Powder-white and goose-bumps
in the rain.

You slide down my throat like a...

My numbing mouth,
the flashing lights.
I can't control
my sleep tonight.

Jun 1 · 94

Black and White Polaroids From When You Still Loved Life

RMatheson Jun 1

Black and White Polaroids From When You Still Loved Life

Running running
silently as
Godspeed You! Black Emperor plays
in our shared
binary ying-yang.

Escaping, we fly,
inspired to stay audible
and we are free.

May 31 · 115

The Most Beautiful of Angels

RMatheson May 31

The Most Beautiful of Angels

Come with me to the trees,
unjudged,
moon white as your skin,
like Lucifer,
and just as beautiful.

May 31 · 46

Silhouette

RMatheson May 31

Silhouette

Like a stranger you appear
the places you left in
my construction paper-heart
now finding ways to divide schismically.

There are parts,
some better,
filling in your
silhouette.

May 31 · 102

Delicate

RMatheson May 31

Delicate

Delicate thing
the bones exposed
through translucent skin
under which flows
the vivid red lines,
highways that lead
to and from
her heart.

And I'm dreaming of a dream
and we are lost,
white makeup,
trees, everywhere.

May 30 · 207

Luci

RMatheson May 30

Luci

Just a simple twist of words
to tighten maybe pull the cord
as brittle as the shells may be,
there's the watchful eyes of Miss Luci.

May 29 · 80

Night Dreaming

RMatheson May 29

Night Dreaming

I'm day dreaming
as you night dream
and I can only
imagine what inverted blessings
have I done that now
reveal you to me,
sleeping,
away from any problems,
only
innocence
and
beauty remain.

May 29 · 50

Separate

RMatheson May 29

Separate

Separate phone plans.
Separate bank accounts.
Separate vehicles.
Separate homes.
Separate insurance.
Separate hearts.
Separate lives.

Separate.

May 29 · 52

Doing Dishes in the A.M.

RMatheson May 29

Doing Dishes in the A.M.

The hold music is especially poignant today
and my heart is hurting
as I wash the last dish you ever used,
feeling the last warm water that involves you,
with my fingers wrinkling up one last time
as I commit this morning ritual,
again,
with no one to celebrate it with.

May 29 · 74

Plush

RMatheson May 29

Plush

Straw-colored veil
falls naturally into itself.

She smiles,
not knowing its power.

Little bones etch the flesh
and quickly clouds are parting,
laying out their symphony
of rain upon this tightened roof.

In her fragility
she shines,
so strong.

May 27 · 74

You Didn't Outlive Your Mom

RMatheson May 27

You Didn't Outlive Your Mom

Your Mother died
at only thirty,
when you were just
thirteen.

I'm sure you've always wondered,
and so have I,
whether you would live longer
than her.

Turns out,
you died at thirty,
too.

May 26 · 54

Comedy

RMatheson May 26

Comedy

It's funny how quickly
people disrespect you,
when you start realizing
your worth.

May 26 · 65

Liar

RMatheson May 26

Liar

I said I could never be mad at you
but you pushed
until you made
me a liar.

May 26 · 74

Bit The Hand

RMatheson May 26

Bit The Hand

The thing you begged for
and were gladly given
has turned
and you have bitten the hand.

May 26 · 66

Non Serviam

RMatheson May 26

Non Serviam

I will not serve this
weak heart.

May 26 · 76

Spider Eyes Bloom

RMatheson May 26

Spider Eyes Bloom

The sap dries not so hard,
sticky to the sweetness
of your maidenhead.

Stroked away like
paint peeling, yellow in its curls.

Your face never wanted
what it said to give.

And I was left
spinning spinning spinning
into what could have been,
but luckily,
is not.

May 26 · 64

I'm Not Sorry to Say

RMatheson May 26

I'm Not Sorry to Say

That
I hope
you're sad

that you get that special kit out

that you look puffy-eyed from crying

that this poem ****** you the *******.

I just don't have
time enough
to suffer love
that's been poisoned
for years.

May 26 · 62

I Feel A Weight Lift Off Of Me

RMatheson May 26

I Feel A Weight Lift Off Of Me

You ****** someone else.

"Don't say that, you're berating me!"

So I can't talk frankly about
what you've done? What
the **** am I supposed to say?

"Call it 'an affair'!"

But you let some other guy
*******
(more than once).
I can't talk frankly about it?
About how you let another man
enter you?

"*******!"

And the door slams.

And the car drives away.

And I feel a weight lift off of me.

May 26 · 161

I Always Warned You

RMatheson May 26

I Always Warned You

And like that,
the switch
in my head
in my heart
is, somehow, impossibly,
flipped to "off"

You won't talk frankly
about what you did.

Keep running,
you'll never find happiness.