I've thought of suicide before
breathing my final days; Mi Amor
Holding onto life at its core
to be better than I was before

I've thought about the impact devastation and the react
Those that would come in contact
them thinking thoughts about me
My lifeless body..." yep, there's me"
The visually impaired who didn't see another way
Now others that stare in the same direction
Share the same contacts

Voices of opinions
because everyone's entitled
like the start of an adventure
the deceased cannot change the title
Some still in denial
And others have already crossed the sea,
And life will go on regardless of me.

kindness eats
least of all we defeat our enemies cheaply
steep the leaves in hot water gently
keep enemies close to you and weapons even closer
our friends are like sunbeams
I jump in the water
your sun-burned back is peeling
out loud you remind me
not to bend down too quickly
she hounds me with her questions
lessons on arithmetic
I’m so sick of it
histrionics and sonic lectures
his tricks are onto it
moronic manic accidents
red lions with long necks
deflect authority and wager on credit
the outcomes are certain
all will fade away indefinitely
understand this and measure your life
by breaths and not complexity
densities are hiding in visionary lightning
finding new faculties every moment
we are swift in our limitless
capacity for adaptation
a refulgent emulsion
immersed in water and poetry
under the highest authority
or just higher scrutiny
wrapped in a paranoid blanket
of heightened security
all is being watched right now
as judges redefine your beauty
if you are truly interested
in finding happiness
you must understand
that all magic is abraxas
and satisfaction unceasingly attacks this
as we collapse upon the backs
of ecstatic languages....

I know you're trying to forget
The lonely words we spoke
With no discussion of repercussions
Phrases that clung to our skin
That daring sin that dirtied our souls
Let me clear my throat

I don't know if it's that I regret it
But the memory still lingers
You told me that I was one of the people you wanted to meet the most
Touching lips, fingertips on more than just hips as we rocked the boat
We overwhelmed each other in more ways than one
And you got what you needed

We retreated to our own lives
Our own beds, simple friends
I asked you:
How you felt,
Where we stood,
And you decided to leave me
Feeling assure of your feelings
Now I bare these caring feelings
Alone

How could I have been so close
Yet so far away
The gap in the distance is more intense than I'd actually like to say
It feels like almost yesterday, where the smiles or frowns that came around
Never settling in the crest we call a "face"
It wasn't as fake as it was now
The warmth of your smile turned the mood around
Even if it was disappointing I couldn't help but try a bit harder for the sake of being friends
Cause that's what they do, staying true,
yes true
Not saying I've caught them in a lie
It just feels a little blue, on the other side
I wish I could hold your hand, just to adore
This, space that we once had
It's not the same years later and I know things have changed
Again this isn't a plead for help
Just my old thoughts into an expression
Takes it like the old way of written out confessions
If I had to be convicted Id be in for a long sentence
Like the, I broke a promise and left without saying a word,
Sad how we make it seem like it was the another's fault that we're this way...
Though in the end, it was selfish actions... selfish actions...selfish actions...and self-indulgence
That pushed the gap and broke the space apart
Id like to say sorry as a start in the right way
Though I don't think that would mend the nasty tear that's been every slowly gashing
We've been on the rocks thrashing about in a glass cup smashing with fruit juice and *****
I remember the sweet cheers of that kiss and the hard rocks on the bed
I understand it, I do
I lived in the misery of your happiness that shined through
I wanted to use your opening and vent without considering what your feelings meant
That this was a special event, and I wasn't just getting experience but giving it too
Where sweet words never left the heart
Where promises were meant to last
I formally apologize,
I can't take it away for what has happened
But I'll keep moving forward regardless of forgiveness
I don't expect to walk back into a life that I created so many problems for
And I understand completely if these words cannot pierce through like a sword
It's no point that way

There are days where triggers are around every corner,
They lurk in shadows where darkness spills heavy breaths and tight chests...
Anxiety is a devasting thing...
No matter how many times you're told to "Breathe," it feels as though you're being reamed by the neck
So short of air and despite every logical reason to remain calm the feelings isn't the reality we all know that, but
You feel like a ship without a sail in the middle of a raging storm,
Torn down of all available help...
That help that could be to go to a friend and shout
Contradictions stare at us and you begin to question what it was or why
You tried to reach out for a hand when it's easier to cut those laces with those most important in places within you
It's easier to deal with it alone
And run away from the other facts, that they would help you if they only know//though shouldn't they know by the way I'm acting?

That's the lie within the lie
No one knows why we cry
Unless we open up from the inside
And let others see with their own eyes

No one knows unless we tell em'
Shouldn't expect them to know it
Or assume that we need help, in the best of light, no shadow would've cast down on your sight
You see what they cannot
And this begins the second thought...
Like a paperweight of all worries
Shouldn't you touch that page and turn it
It's easier said than done which is why so many close the book and refuse to write any more
What a bore, chore, snore
Let the pour of depression take it some more
You want help and the words escape your voice, lost in the void we call space
Can't make what's not there possible...
Giving up is that one obstacle that is inviting

But why, no not why
That's the lie within a lie
No one knows why we want to fly
Force those wings from the inside
And let others see you...the real you
With their own eyes

Dear Love,

I know in my heart without a doubt even if I can never find the words to say
You are the one I am crazy about
You are the one I fap for every day
When everything doesn't feel right,
I look at you
My sun, my moon, my morning light
My happiness when all is blue
With you, I am always safe and every day you make my heart race
You're my home, my friend, and saving grace