So I thought something
But now I'm starting to think
Was I wrong

I don’t belong here

Nothing much to say except I've been happy without it

It wasn't yours to tell

I just feel really ******* stupid

I'm trying to hold it together

I can't help it
*I can't help it

Leave me alone! Alone alone alone alone. Alonley. Lonely lonely.

*lonely

For a second I actually thought...
But never-mind, I've always
Been one to misinterpret things

Instead of trying to understand it
I'll just accept it

Well. Ive always said i prefer fall.
But I've changed my mind
I hadn't opened my eyes till now
Spring is truly a miracle.
Everything is brown dead and grey,
then suddenly everything Lives
It all comes back, resurrects.
Its like a little extra Jesus!
I also adore the shades of green
Vibrant, new, alive! Pulsing with life
And i can hear the sweet call of
the small finches and sparrows
looking for friends, or mates
And if you strain your ear,
you can hear a low steady hum
of bees in the clover patch
The sun shines in a new way,
Bright, and Warm. Warm like
yellows and oranges, that
replace the grays and blues.
The ground is moist with recent showers,
which cool down the heating earth
Don't get me wrong, I have a strange,
attraction to winter. I love the cold.
But I'm now starting to see the spring.

don't tell me this is a bad idea
I should have remembered
I have trust issues

This only confirmed exactly who I am

You stare through broken lenses
Yet I'm perfectly clear to you

"For I couldn't write an encyclopedia that would describe you well enough"

That moment when a boy says your beautiful
And you've never heard that from the opposite gender,
Then shatters your new self esteem
Because he realizes you don't have long hair anymore
And basically calls you ugly, and a turn off

I need to control this
Just for a little while
Then I'll let go

Crashing into me like waves on the coast
Wrecking ball dancing down the hallways

What if you thought you deserved every bit of it

Last night as I was talking
I realized what happened
And what insecurities
You have always had
Funny how this dance
Happens to be a masquerade
We all hide it somehow

Some things are better left unsaid

Are you strange like me?
Lighting matches just to swallow up the flame like me?

I'm swaying back and forth
And no one will push me
In one direction

I'm scared to even make physical contact for fear you will feel my heart beating faster

I think it's the change of the seasons
I don't have to do anything
God please help me, help me
Why can't I just be

I can assure you
That these poems are most likely
Not about you

I'll find a way out of it

Dreaming doesn't come close
To the feelings I get
When I'm with you in reality

Why do I still write these jumbled scrappy poems?
Who am I even writing for anymore.
A few words on a screen passing by in one swift scroll
A freshman in high school's brand new outlet
A freshman in college's over dramatic cry for help
That she probably doesn't even need

Certain people give me different impressions
How am I supposed to know if it's friendly or more
Maybe I shouldn't follow anything my heart questions
Maybe I shouldn't think so open anymore

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But wait a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

They will wake up and see me sleeping, hair all messy, drooling
And they'll laugh and take a picture only to send it during the day
And remind me I'm beautiful even when I'm sleeping
They will hold my hand when we walk down the sidewalks
And give me piggy back rides when my feet get tired
I will surprise them in the morning with breakfast in bed
I will leave notes everywhere around the house for them to know
I am always thinking about them, even when I am gone for the day
We will have dance parties at night, and blare the music knowing
That each lyric of the love songs we scream was written for each other
That is what is waiting for me, that is what is waiting for *us

Now it's all just useless words
Useless because they will
Never be the words we want to hear

Sorry if this sounds cliche
But valentines day ***** ***
Honestly, what a wake up call
That nobody ******* wants you

Sparatic breathing, sweating hands
I couldn't breathe anymore
I didn't want to breathe anymore
I literally screamed for God
Inside my car whizzing down the highway
I wailed and stopped breathing
Only to sputter out and realize I was veering off the road
Its all my fault  its all my fault
I blamed every single problem
In my family on myself
Something I never admitted out loud before

Looking at myself is funny
Scrolling through videos of
Myself from years ago
How thin, young, high pitch
How small, yet extremely confident
How goofy, and unafraid
How assured I was, How unscarred
How unaffected, unaware
And how nice it was to be that way

Yes I am a ******
And you know what?
I'm proud of it
I'm glad I haven't
Let anyone touch
I can say I waited
For the perfect
Person to come around
And I will have
No regrets

Something tells me I was meant to be alone
At least for a longer time than I had hoped

I want to do everything.
I want to be adventurous.
I am a risk taker.
I am an ENFP.
I want to skydive.
I want to shark dive.
I want to climb mountains,
Explore caves.
Sleep on a beach:
Under a blanket of stars.
I want to go on a mission trip
I want to help so many.
I feel like every day as a 'kid'
Is a day I could have taken
In my life to do what I love.
There's only so much time.
And it's true life is short
And I hate waiting for the moment
I can hop on a plane
And begin my *adventure

It's like I'm waiting to be myself again
Like I'm not ready yet,
Like Im clay already molded,
But sitting in the oven baking,
Still a little soft
Not ready to face the world yet
I know who I am,
I know who the girl inside is
Maybe you vaguely remember her
From long ago, it's been so long
She's coming back
You just can't see her yet
Trust me, you just can't see her yet

I want to wake up, think of you
Knowing you woke up thinking of me

No one actually wants me
They just want me to want them

Part of me wants to quit school,
Run away, hitching rides on cargo planes
To foreign countries and experience life
As they do, encounter the wild, natural world
Instead of watching it on animal planet
But then again, you need money for anything,
And it seems like my life has already
Been predetermined, set on a path
I'm vet school and Tulane bound, that's what would make my parents proud
I still have a choice they say,
But that on it's own is daring me to pick the wrong thing
And they'll disprove of me forever

I never want to hear that sound again
I never want to feel that pain again
I never want to see those marks again

So I turn to You God
Please forgive me for not loving myself
And help me to see myself as You do

You'll see
You will all see.

Rain streaming  down me
Running over my skin
Part of this water  on me
Water that traveled from
The northern mountains
Water that was vapor clouds
Water that has seen more
Travelled the earth and sky  
Now on a girl standing in the rain

Don't draw me with a pencil
I'm too rough around the edges
Don't sketch me with a pen
You wouldn't capture my colorful soul
Paint me with watercolors
So that you can faintly see
The smooth colors in me

Where will this go