the first night we've known each other
and you're already apologizing
for showing me your ****
i really actually can't tell
if you're drunk
or just some crazy *******
with a white as **** ***
...this is going to be interesting

paint away the grey smudges
underneath your eyes
little black rainclouds
of your demise
cautiously stroke
inside the lines
so no one will notice
their actual size
and the lack of skill
lack of will...
little red
what goes on in your
tear-soaked
head
why do you
sit up in your bed
so late
why don't you
finish the day
with a little game
of pretend
it will carry you through
till the end
honey,
every thespian
will tell you
never to leave home
without a mask
darling,
you never know
when you'll need to
act

fear
that is not dealt with
but pushed aside
shoved down
buckled into a suitcase
still existing
just out of sight
is fear that will return
fear that will
conquer
fear that is waiting
for the most opportune moment
to spring its jail
and defeat
you
because you never
thought about it
until it was
too late
littleredwritinghood,
you are
in trouble
you can hold that fear under the surface
all you want
but it will not drown
fear has enough faces
to replace
any one that manages to fade
fear is
your mother's
face

finger-paint yourself a picture
on a canvas destined for nothing more
than late-night
one-night
kisses

arrange fabric on a doll
that was store bought
for perfection
owned by jealousy
mocked by
lessers

stain lips
to never speak
gentle words
train lips
to reside
in perfect pouts

school eyes
in fluttering
slitted
hooded
gestures
arrange toes
into smooth, unbroken shapes
to be molded
in a set of high heels
high ballers
high flyers
being higher on the food chain
only makes you
more likely
to be consumed
and if we are anything
we are
consumers

limited
to materialistic consumption
we dress ourselves up like
a sweetshop-confection
topped with gucci
and laced with victoria's secret
lucidity

it's not hard to see
what we're about
if this is a judgement
of clear intentions
we are the clear
winners

our faces are perfect
optical illusions
standing on an assembly line
waiting for someone to take a shine
to the curve of our hips
lips
chest
there is nothing to confess
our cards are laid
only after
we
are

today
my heart
is sad
sad like a big droopy face
is painted right over it
covering it
all.
i spent the day
an hour away
deep in the country
with a big, barefooted family
that i love
out in the sunshine
near a lake
and i could not help
but look at them
together
and remember what it was like
to be together
with my
family

but i'll not expand on that.
it is too hard
too painful
to expand on
to remember
to think about
at all
so i push these thoughts
back down deep
into the blender
of my mind
pray that someday
they will be easier
to swallow

i'm tired.
come lie
with me

lying
gives you
rest
lying
lets you wake up
refreshed
i want to
lie
with you

let's
get in a tangle
the ancient dance
of lying together
as one

touch me
lie with me
next to me
slowly
as you lie with me
kiss me
i will let you

life has taught me
to only love
li
ars

if i wished to embark upon you
would you
lend me
a foothold
or would you harden
to marble
and watch me
slide
away

i just realized
that i spent another entire day
subconsciously chanting to myself
that i am a *******.

i have no reason to think this.
i am a beautiful,
intelligent
redhaired spitfire
and i'm not afraid to say any of those things
people don't say those things to themselves
enough
but why
the ****
do i constantly remind myself
all day
that i am
a piece of
****
who is
telling me this
and why
do i believe it?

people try to
carve smiles on me
like a chunk of meat meant for the butcher
then try to tell me
to be afraid
and that they are
sorry.

people try to
tell me all the things that happened to me
fair or foul
describe them to me
in detail
and then reveal
all the inner-most workings
of the broken grandfather clock
that is my chest
like they've sat inside of me
for twenty years
observing
when they
haven't.

people try to
make me see reason
or their definition of it
but reason is relative
as is too much in this world
like
truth
and
lies
and
parents
and it doesn't bother me
to stare into them
with eyes that i hope make them hurt
somewhere
because i am not a grandfather clock
that sat in a church
for twenty years
i am a redhaired girl who used to smile
who even breathed
sometimes
and you never
knew
me

firstly,
find everything
that ever scared you
collect them all together into a group
get yourself a bigass stage
stand on it right in front of them
and tell them
to *******

secondly,
pull all the memories that try to choke you
that try to drown you
like the mean hand
of that girl that used to bully you
and hold your head under the water
till your lungs hurt...
pull all those memories out
hang them on a clothes line
until they are dry
and so crisp
that you can crunch them
in your hand
and remember to laugh
as you do so
because once they were frightening
but now they are
floating away from your fist

and lastly
seek out your greatest fear
and force yourself to sit with it
until you have befriended it
he will be
your greatest
ally
he will teach you
how not to be
afraid

if you can make peace
you will always have it
like the funky necklace made out of beads
you made with your cousin

if you do these things
someday you will be
not afraid
of anything
but i wouldn't know
i can't even get past
step one

untangle your limbs
from the odd position
you wake up in
comb your fingers
through your knotted, ginger hair
streeetttchhhhh.
sit up,
look out the window
see if it's a nice enough day
to keep breathing for
hm.
maybe it is.
think about libraries
and walks to rivers
but mostly about
scrubbing off
the dried mascara
on your face
smile.
right there and then.
only because someone told you
that if you smiled enough
it would make you happy.
like magic.
try not to remember
the empty room
next door
and the stop-motion
perfume
on her vanity
realize that this is only
day one...
smile
gone

hey.
the birds turn on
at 4:35am here.
i wonder if the chinese man
with the swirling eyes
turns them on
like in cannery row
as he walks down to the seaside
maybe he just flips
a switch

oh god.
half an hour more
and you'll get to see the sunrise,
lil red.
paint your toenails,
wave at depression
who's sitting against your door
because he's been locked out
for about
two weeks
don't worry about him
you can let him in
tomorrow

eating pretzels
and chugging fruit juice
that mercifully
doesn't taste suspiciously
like vegetables
thank you, jesus
and a plague on both of
v8's houses

amen.



....*******

today someone told me
that i have innocent eyes
i replied
*******
******

it's a beautiful day outside
the sun is lilting over the trees
those weird fuzzy seeds
that get up your nose
whisping through the air
the manicured grass
glinting
i'd go out
and enjoy it all
if i weren't so
ugly inside
today

sink into the steady familiarity
of someone else's life
a lovely,
round
three demensional
non-existent one.
absorb all the teenaged drama
broken hearts;
families
smiles
that aren't
yours
for once.
let the dancing tv heads
minister to you
for a while
so you can turn off yours
give the fried fuses a rest
try to
recharge

it took you
a grand total of four days
to sew up your patchwork heart
pack your tatty suitcase,
ricochet off her like a purposed misfire
and attempt to lodge yourself into me.
four days seems about right...
took you four days to go from ME to HER
in the first place
good thing i took that target
off my chest
you'll be missing
this time.

i wish you would write me
as i am
but you distort
every word
every expression
your mind is so warped
you look at me
like i'm a funhouse mirror
you see a misshapen reflection
of yourself


dearest,
remember
me.

i have managed to evolve just enough
that i am no longer bothered by you.
i have someone i can fake text
a badly designed little game
meant for six year olds
that i can play
or i can
scroll
scroll
scroll
and pretend that so many other two demensional people
want to get ahold of me
i can do all this
in the most superior manner
and never even look at you
because you are three dimensional
and you are too hard to figure out,
process
analyze
you are simply
too big
for my screen...
i must wait for another upgrade
before i can open you
you are too
real
i cannot sort you out
into little
megapixels....
you will
break
me

today
a girl
tried to say
that i looked
like an elephant
as if to suggest
i were quite hideously fat
i told her
that elephants
are adorable
and that at least
I'M cute
maybe to the world
i am an elephant
i don't care
i just wish
sometimes
i guess
that elephants
could
forget

some people are just cursed
with bad noses.
they could have an alright face
maybe even a really good one
but some out of whack
funky nose
comes and botches the whole deal.
p.s.
90% percent of the people affected
are bitter
*******
but i guess i can't blame them.

i wanted to
sit next to you
absorb
you
i wanted to
lean into you
feel
you
i wanted to
see how your shoulder felt
against my cheek
i wanted to
have you
put your arm
around me
just to see
how it felt
i wanted to
feel
you

little red,
you are here
to make it better
for everyone.
that is your purpose.
you are to make things
better
for your family
for other people
to make things
just a little easier
and if you are good
and kind
and nice
and fake
with a smile
cast
in plaster
maybe someday
someone will make it better for you
in return.
this is a cheerful fact,
little red.
why aren't you
smiling?
hasn't the
chalky water
and paper
dried
yet?
hmm...we might have to
reapply

i feel constantly betrayed
constantly abandoned
constantly FORGOTTEN
LEFT
USED
by everyone.
everyone
besides me
gets to leave
gets to get away from this ******* town
these ******* people
our ******* problems
but no
little red
has to stay.
someone has to take care of dad
and it's always going to be her
because she is always there.
dear
sisters
i delight in the day
when i am not there
when the knife is not just dug into me
but into you
then YOU
will have to stay.
i hope you enjoy
feeling every little thing
that i had to feel
for two ******* years.
i hope they
carve wrinkles into your face
scars into your arms
and legs
i hope you write thousands of tortured poems
i hope you never get any better
and most of all,
i hope there is someone
who gets to do EVERYTHING you EVER wanted to do
and then never even
visits you
or thanks you
for taking care of dad
and for keeping their mind
crystal
*******
clear
of guilt.
sisters,
i will glory
in your suffering
when i leave
for good
which i pray
will be
soon
because i want you
to hurt

tomorrow i will be
magically
sick.
sister,
enough of you
have made it clear
that you don't want to stay with us
because it's hard
to deal with hurt people
i ******* get it.
but if i have to deal with hurt people
for the rest of my ******* life
because you got to leave
and left me
here to deal with it all
then you can at least bear it
for one ******* week.
you will not
be seeing me
enjoy
your avoidance
of reality
enjoy new life
while the old ones
die
i guess you're going to invest
in aubree's baby
i guess me and dad
are too far gone
i guess you've
given up
on us
i'll give up on you
first
just give me
a minute
or two

hi,
my name is
littleredwritinghood
and i got
a C in psychology
this semester
and i am here
to try and
get over it.
i feel like
i have a big red
YOU FAILED
sticker
a big red C
on my forehead
and that my dad
will eventually
notice it
i had a nightmare
that i couldn't get it off
no matter how hard i scrubbed
i am expecting
four more C's
to join it
on my cheeks
it's not that i'm not smart
i just didn't go to class
because i wanted to slice my wrists
not get out of
bed
daddy,
i wish you
understood

i am a product
of this
society
i pick-pocketed
my personality
from a ghastly array
of tv shows
and teenaged drama
if you would like a re-run
of last night's
late night
sitcom
i'm at your service

i am a product
of this
society
if you want some fashion advice
from me
because i dress
so well
log on to
pinterest
they'll tell you
exactly
what i would
because everything i wear
no matter how weird
or ugly
i wear because
they told me
to

i am a product
of this
society
i do not
think for me
i have an iphone
that has replaced
the normal functions
of my brain
it remembers everything
for me
i know everyone
we talk
all the time
i text
really fast
i'm so connected
i mean,
i'm plugged into
everything...

i am a product
of this society
my thighs
don't touch
and a lovely
mountain ridge
adorns
my back
a cavern
in my
belly
come explore
me
a beautiful
bony
product
of this
society

I AM A PRODUCT OF THIS SOCIETY
and you all should really stop blaming me
for being a social deviant
for being unwilling
to conform
to this new normal
sanity isn't
statistical
and this isn't
1984
meaning:
just because a billion people
do this ****
it doesn't make it
right
doesn't make it
make
sense
i will not hold onto your tail
and follow you
blindly,
society
because you don't know
where the ****
you're going
anyway
if we progress
one more step
we'll all be
dead

mike, you puzzle me.
you make me
think
that you only want to see me
so you can think about me
later
when you're by yourself
and that's kinda
weird.
you beg
to see me
and then leave
quickly
just so you can
think about me.
mike,
i think you
like the idea
of me
but i am too real
too existent
to actually be around
you have to satisfy your imagination
get something new to dream
and then you
leave
mike,
you
puzzle
me.

dear
james,
i would like you
if you ever said
what you mean.
instead, you make up things
to make me think i want to talk to you
and then you proceed
to be the most boring human being
on the face of the planet.
your fake
peppy
exclamations
are deceiving,
tiring
and flat
after about four
hundred
of them...
i love you about as much
as i love a toaster oven
or any other
inanimate object
james,
dear...
you are so
boring.

my mother says things about me
rudely
right in
front of me
to people that i have known
my entire life.
she tells them that i
never call
that i
don't care for her
one bit
that dad has
turned me against her
mother,
i am
five feet
away from you.
i am not
deaf.
i can hear
everything you are saying
to that poor old lady
who has no idea
why you are telling her this
she just wanted to tell you
how pretty i looked
mother
dear,
i came to give you a hug
only because
i knew that if i did
everything you just said
to that old woman
would be revealed
as a load of ****
yes mom,
for once i hugged you
and i meant it

honey, you are overrated
and overdone
like the fast and the furious
six
you get the job finished
quick
with a big explosion
at the end
which also comes quickly
but not quick enough
for me
and there's absolutely nothing
inbetween
that's why
in the end
you'll leave
and i'll be
glad.

my father always tells me
"Red, if you weren't so gosh darned picky,
you'd be having babies by now."

my father always tells me
"Red, why not just try
this one? why not just
say ok? just this
one time
go for
ice cream
with him
he likes you...
just
try
this one
time."

my father always says
"Red, honey,
you don't have to be so skittish.
not everyone leaves
some people
stay
don't let your mother
take away
everything
from you."

my father always says
"just try
just try
just try
maybe it'll be fine
you'll be alright
you can't live your life
in fear."

i always say...
"Daddy,
it is the people you love
that hurt you
and one more scar
might do
me in
daddy,
i love you
but i won't
love
mommy taught me
not to."

i think i should let you know
that you wouldn't just make an ugly girl
you'd make an ugly anything
because your mind
is ugly
and that every time i hear your voice
your drawling,
depressing,
slur
i want to throw my brain
out a window
into a vat of lava
i know this is all so sudden
but you **** me off
an' ****

you and me,
little sister
must learn to talk
without words
words mess everything up
words like
mom
and
dad
like
abandoned
abused
anxiety
hate.
little sister
how shall we fix this
how could we
ever?
how can you fix
something that doesn't
belong to you?
when mom and dad won't talk
we feel the need
to talk for them
but to each other,
instead
little sister,
we cannot
use words
but i don't know any other way
to speak.
little sister,
help me.

determined as i was
to avoid joining
the zombie revolution
my dad went and bought me
a new phone
looks like i was drafted in
to the "smart" generation
hopefully i won't end up as stupid.

hello,
my name is failure
third on the left
you might remember me from last year
yeah, i think we've met.
i'm not much different from the kid
sitting next to me
i am cat that never liked to swim
thrown in a faceless sea.
you smile at me when i answer questions
but frown when i fall asleep
you file me into a box
that you like to keep
most of my poems are about failing
or at least attempting to
i am forever intent on drowning...
but that's the one thing i can't do.

the fates have made their decision...
i will be late for poetry class
FOREVER.
thank you,
lexmark printer

i found the poetry site
my little 15 year old sister is on
i hate reading her poetry
because it reminds me
how wrongly
she sees
everything
today she wrote a poem
about last night
when i saw one of her paintings
i knew exactly what it was about
but said nothing
she lied to me
then in her poem
wrote me
like a filthy
angry
wrong
sister
who misunderstands
art
oh,
sister
if that is so,
you and i
are the same.

will you come with me
come make believe with me
come make believe that we
are happy.

paint a smile
like a clown
paint a smile
cover your frown
paint a smile
on your lips
paint smiley faces
on dead crypts.

arrange my limbs
any way you please
bend my elbows
straighten my knees
make me
happy.

you must come with me
come make me happy
you will see
you will believe
me
you'll be
better
lies make you
better
i
should
know
i put on
a great show.

running away
is a good idea
finding a town
i can die in
quietly
here it would be too loud
everyone would hear
i will make up my own town
to die in
so no one
can get in

god is supposed to change things
make things better
if we ask
i have been asking
for a long time
nothing is better
but i'm still sure
you're up there
what are you thinking

dear
spanish professor,
thank you for teaching me
how to use
google translate
so efficiently
also
i want to thank you
for this big
fat
C

why yes,
mother dearest
i will get the hell off your property
when you get the hell
off of MINE.

hi
my name is
little red
you know me
we were
bestfriends
i'm little red
maybe you don't know me
by this name
but this is me
when i don't give
a flying ****
i'd just like to thank you
for teaching me
a valuable lesson
that i should have learned
when my mother ****** me up...
that everyone
no matter how much you love them
WILL
******* up
over
down
around
and you, ANGELA
are a master
of ******* up lives.
i should have known.
enjoy your bluray player
that you gave me
it's on your porch
or something like it
is

honey,
what people say about you
is none of your business
and you gettin' involved
is just plain nosy.

it has been decided.
i will not let this mess me up.
people do whatever the **** they want
anyway
i can't change anything about it
except how i react
and how i let it affect me
so *******,
ANGELA
*******,
JACK
*******,
MOM
and **** EVERYTHING ELSE
that is working against me.
can't keep a good (wo)man down,
*******.
i control my future,
and you can shove THAT up your ***
along with the garage sale
that's already there.

i am done
with this mother ****
i don't deserve this
i don't deserve to be ****** over
one more time
you don't deserve
another broken heart
to hang on your wall
and admire
haven't you enough notches
in your gun
must you have
one more
dead
daughter
to stuff
and mount

not to make your mother's day worse
little red,
but after helping your close friend
who's been kicked out of her mother's house
on ******* mother's ******* day
enjoy the police coming to your door
while you're trying to beat a speech out of your brain for your english final tomorrow
and writing you into their police report.
enjoy more texts
from another woman who was like a mother to you
spitting out more hurtful things
for helping her hurting daughter out
thank her for sending the police to your house
thank her for the pending hay day
your own mother will have
with the police report,
thank her for making your mother's day
even more wonderful.
but most of all,
little red
remember to be careful
to never become a mother
mothers were born to leave
all mothers
are homewreckers.

happy
*******
mother's day