you are not the smell before rain, you are a ******* hurricane. you tore through every ******* wall I put up and now I'm left with broken pieces of your old coffee mug and ripped receipts with ****** I love you's written drunkenly on the back. my hands are numb but my mind is as sharp as the razor blade that kisses my wrist and I'm cutting up my arms trying to cover up the slashes you left on the inside of my collapsing rib cage but nothing pierces through me the way your ice blue eyes did when I woke up next to you. my head is spinning from brandy and coke and your voice is ringing in my ears and my eyes are burning but I haven't slept in two weeks. I started binge drinking tea instead of liquor and I guess that's a good thing although I'm just poisoning my heart with caffeine instead of my liver with alcohol. maybe I should start reading again but I'm only attracted to the beautiful things that are constantly destroying me.

I found myself on my bedroom floor,
dizzy from seven beers I stole from my dad,
thinking I could replace your memory with alcohol.
when I forgot my name before yours,
I tried emptying my veins,
but watching my blood run down the sink brought no closure.
my lips are cracked and my skin is rough;
your hands left burn marks where you touched me
and your kisses took every ounce of moisture from my mouth.
I know you're not the one I'm looking for
but I'm so cold and a fire is a fire;
I might be drunk right now but I'll still wake up
wanting to kiss you.

You're a
confident
hard working
minimalist,
while I'm a glorified
mason jar filled with
butterflies and Jack Daniels.
I want nothing short of
the entire universe
written on the back
of a crumpled up receipt,
and nothing more
than your hand
half-way down my back.
With that in mind,
I is a lonely and fragile vowel,
but U is probably the
strongest most immaculate
one of the five (sometimes six).
Our hands are meant for holding,
never hitting,
and our bones, molded from
stardust, not concrete,
but our tongues are as sharp
as dull razors.
Always, always, always
be cognizant of your
surroundings
because what once was
so beautiful
will eventually slip out
from under your eyelids,
without so much as a kiss
goodbye.

In the beginning it was shaking,
Butterflies so bad they all came up.
And first kisses.
And naivety.

The shaking never went away,
But soon it was all begging.
Come home.
I need you.
I miss you.

Then it was drunk phone calls while driving at night,
Love confessions.
No responses.

Now its fantasies.
And teasing.
And reminiscing about how the only reason we ever were
Were our self-destructive tendencies.
Bad habits.

But I’m better now,
And you are too, right?
I haven’t been able to write
Since I last drew blood from my body,
I guess that’s a little concerning.

Sometimes  I wanna be a scarf
   Just using my hands wrapped around your neck
     To keep you warm
        May  seem like I'm choking you but I'm not
     My hands can be your mittens

The ring defines power and marriage of love
        The necklace defines the heart and neck
       The pendant styles it up
        The bracelet is wraps around the wrist against the veins
        Ankle bracelet kinda means like I'm Hawaiian
     Earrings resemble how your choices can dangle beyond your life a hole in
      Life where there can be light or darkness

you are a dream
when it's dark and quiet
and i'm supposed to be sleeping
i hear you
but i can't sleep
what if i told you that that night i heard your heartbeat
you took something from me
i don't want it back
you are smart
but you are broken
i can see it in this light
it's almost like you speak in songs
i'll never tire of listening to you
your words bruise my heart
but it doesn't hurt
you are truth
and it scares me
i'd be willing to give you my heart
you just have to say that it's enough
you are not a dream
but a person
and your mind is what i want to know
you are a person
and it scares me how much i feel all of this

sneak into my room
and crawl into my bed
you are tired
and i don't want to be alone
in the morning
we will leave in your car
you drive
while i look at you from the passenger seat
you like when i take photos of you
but i'd rather write about you
remember that parking lot behind the abandoned convenience store

i left home without telling my friends
they don't get it
you're always tired
and i have to fend for myself

i open the glove compartment of your car
a stack of photos
poems are written on the back
you remember the parking lot promise
the last photo is of that night before we left
with only a caption
"i don't want to let you down"