Like Schrödinger's Cat
Love is too large
To quantify in contradictions
Like the cat in the box
In it's superposed zombie state
I too can't determine
If our love is alive or dead
And like the cat,
In reality it cannot be both
But I think I'll leave it
Forever in this zombie state
Of unknown perpetual mystery

For I cannot uncover
What I've already buried

You used to feel like sand in an hourglass
Forever on repeat of loving you and losing you
Now the sand is slipping through my fingers
And I don't dread the grains I cannot catch
The glass that shattered is cutting into my hands
But the sand still trickles down as our time runs out

When we were sixteen we made a promise
That when we turned twenty one
We would meet again
For a glass of orange juice
Because he doesn't drink
I never told him
That I'm allergic to citrus
But what is a drop of poison
In a chalice of love?

Last month he turned twenty one
And came close to breaking our promise
He sent me a letter
That nearly broke me
I couldn't read it
I dialed his number
And begged for an answer
Just like always, he did

But in those moments the world froze
The dial tone felt like a death knell
It was void, it was empty
As if it were already a world without him
As if it was a warning of what might be

And now I'm thirsty
So very thirsty
For that glass of orange juice

It's crazy how much we change
In days, weeks, months
And years building on years
I look back on who I was
The ways I used to feel
Preserved in all my poetry
And it's just not me anymore

It isn't a bad thing—
It's growth
I used to feel as if I couldn't speak
As if I were mute, invisible and unseen
Now my words fill silence
My presence isn't a black hole
And it makes me feel better when I'm sad
When I'm losing hope I look back
At who I used to be when it was bad
And how I've changed

It gives me hope within my chrysalis
That I can still metamorphosize

I cannot lose what fills
   my heart more than blood
   my lungs more than air
   myself more than me

Like a migraine unwinding
you feel a pain
deep down in your soul
that seems binding
as pieces of you unravel
like a shrouded veil
falling to reveal the parts
that you are still finding

It isn't easy searching
for things that you didn't
even know you'd lost
Like a hidden force driving
with a faulty gps
and a wheel that you
can't seem to control
brining you to what is hiding

Do you slam on your breaks—
                  or do you keep looking?

You do not know
what is yet to come,
as nothing yet
is set in stone.

I wish that I could
take all your worries,
turn them into gold
and build you a throne.

But I cannot build
with what I cannot hold,
and I cannot take away
what I cannot grasp.

So together we'll conquer
each daunting task,
and I'll hold you close
in a gentle clasp.