When he left my mother told me something.
She said it's okay and this will pass
He's nothing compared to you
But as I laid there
On my bedroom floor
In the room where he claimed me
Where little girl dreams were shattered
I didn't believe her
Instead I screamed about how I hated life
How he left me like dust on my fingertips
Like the ash of my burned down home

Two weeks later and I'm a shell
Of who I was
Of who I am
Of who I'll ever be
My ribs poked out like piano keys
Just waiting to be played
And my collar bones
Oh they were waiting like glasses
Glasses expecting hard liquor
That I of course drowned myself in

The day her name left his lips
I was done for
I wanted to become nothing but earth and essence.
But my best friend cradled me
She promised I would find love again
That this hurt, no matter how bad it is,
Will only be temporary
I didn't believe her
So I rebelled against them all
It was only me

4 months later and I'm sitting in the car
My best friend sits beside me
I'm genuinely laughing
And she looks proud
Then she tells me how he's talking about me.
From my ******* boots
My infatuation with peaches
To how I harbor guitar pics on every inch of my body.
I relapse into him immediately
I wanted him so bad

6 and a half months later and he tells my best friend
That he hates me
My name swims out of his mouth on a raft of profanities.
But it didn't hurt as much as I thought
I think I grew
Little by little I became the new girl
The one that writes again and breathes the air a little deeper than the others.

6 and half months plus 3 days
I caress my fingers over my body
The shower beats down on me
"I want to be your friend" I whisper to myself.
He was nothing but a thunderstorm
But I am more than he
I am the sun
The moon
The stars
I am the heavens
I am the thing everyone revels in
And I made it through hell and back
And now I can finally say goodbye

i don't believe you anymore when you say you care

I hope she loves your smile,
I hope she loves your eyes,
I hope she loves your style,

I hope she loves them like I wish I could.

I hope she enjoys
random adventures,
learning new things,
laying in bed all day,

I hope she values
your intelligence,
your caring heart,
your drive for passion,

I hope she loves you like I wish I could.

I hope she understands
your time is precious,
love is beautiful,
you deserve something genuine,

I hope she
is everything you're looking for,
listens to understand,
is there for you through thick and thin,

I hope she is all that I wish I could be for you.

I hope you are beyond happy.
I hope you feel wanted.
I hope you feel loved.

You deserve love, even if it can't be from me.

I wish I could love you like she should.

I wish I had a time machine.
I would go back to our very first dinner date,
that time I took us out for a sushi and you held my hand from across the table;
And I got nervous because no one had ever done that to me before.
I would go back to the night I fell in love with you,
and I would watch myself start to cry because in that moment, I knew that you were the one.
I would go back to the night you asked me to marry you.
When I asked you if you were serious and you had a big, stupid grin on your face when I said yes.
I would go back to our very first fight.
That silly fight of me getting mad at you because we made plans and you had to cancel at the last minute because you had to babysit your brother.
I would take a million canceld plans just to call you mine again.
I would go back to when we got approved for our very first apartment.
We went to Panera bread, and you ordered mac and cheese, and we celebrated the beginning of our life together.
We were only focused on how much we loved each other.
I would go back to Thankgiving last year.
I would watch how happy we were.
I would watch you interact with my family.
I would watch how in love we were.
I would watch my dad tell me that I found a good one, and how I better not **** it up.
I would go back to February 16th, 2017.
I would pick myself up and I would tell myself to get back to work.
I would tell myself that I would lose my home, and I would lose the most important person in my life.
That I was going to lose the only person that I have ever truly loved.
Now I am an empty shell;
And I know I have to find myself.
But how can I find myself when all I see is you?

your eyes
            are
          so explosively
   captivating
                    i feel like i
   float in space
                 every time
      your blue
                    and
                          my green
               collide,
    creating a new earth.

Sometimes
I find myself
rewriting poems
Changing all the words
except for
your name

-magnetic
-physical
-social

these are the types of connections
i experience
when i see you.

you do not know
how alluring you are (to me).

you do not know
how at home you feel (in my arms).

you do not know
i want you (us) to be more
than this.

i want you to be mine (only mine).

but you will never know (my thoughts).

and i can only hope
that you feel this connection too
(my love,
please let me know).