What if what you feared was always here?
Pain must be felt once it's there.
Where will you run to if there's only one where?
We try so heavily to avoid the inevitable because we're scared.
To embrace is to defeat, to conquer and adhere.
The cure to death is to live, the cure to hurt is to feel, to trust like the cuts were never there.
I know the pain & the failure, can make ****** minutes & depressing seconds feel like years.
We must stop hiding & open our vision to a world where we're encased in our fears.
I shall walk by Faith and not by sight with Belief in my tears and hope in my ears.
We are awake when everyday we see our fears.
I see hell everywhere.

Caution, not perfection. Caring, considerate, there's so much kindness we're meant to live out.
Imagine if we had to feel all the pain we give out.

so close in distance.
Hearts so far away.
imperfections & chasing, I miss it.
Stars I wish on begin to shine grey.

Loud cries you'll never hear.
You hate me & I hate your gone.
The Sound dies and you're never here.
I can't fight any longer, you've won.

Whats good news without your cheers & laughter?
Nothing. Just good days with restless nights.
You pray & I pray that I'm allowed to be your prayers answer.
I've lost my essence, a naked spruce that's been snatched of it's Christmas lights.

always send extra prayers to the people engulfed in struggles, people who's status doesn't show that they work so hard.
For I know so well the feeling of faith depleting struggles, pain that makes you interrogate life, & trials that make the weak plead there is no God.
Believe me when I say a life, a person, with more valuable things does not give that life more value than the one you posses.
I've laid in a house with two parents and 7 brothers where there weren't enough beds to rest, over time some died, some left, insurance money gets a bigger house & inside it seems like we have less.
For a home is not appraised by the value of the structure, but the Love inside.
So don't be in a rush to fit in with the rich kids. Not  to say they're all negative spirits but sometimes money can make people forget that true Friendship is the most expensive ride.
For the Bible says if it fails it wasn't Love & the evidence of false Love based on earthly standards is all around us, look at celebrity relationship perhaps.
Celebrities dating celebrities & rarely regular people. It never works because a false love relying on money, fame, and status as its base isn't true and is always sure to collapse.
Guess in life, or At least how I see it, when I'm struggling the people around me are so genuine & the more successful I become the more people want to take and no one wants to give.
In the beginning was flesh and elements, family and fellowship, status was non-existent and Love was the only currency we needed to live.

If you walk in my room you'll see candles, flames burning next bibles.  
An accurate symbolization of my life, destruction so close to survival .
They say that the messiah is coming, will you run to or from at the sight of his arrival?  
Our people have become so obsessed with being out front they've forgotten, to lead you must first be a disciple.

When life gives you Lemons be thankful because nobody in life is going to give you anything, not even lemons.

“Let me rescue you. I can see the truth. I can see right through the pain.”
The simple sight of you is soothing and that gift shouldn’t be hidden by tears running down your face.
To invest effort is to accept risk and even though your emotional stock has crashed your effort doesn’t go unnoticed.
You bought into a corporation that had no intention of reaching a partnership & you feel bad because you’re seemingly the only one that didn’t know this.
In agony you elude all conversation of investment because you simply desire to forget; you don’t want to hear that name no more.
You piece together astounding outfits to venture to bars and cloak the ache with a smile. You smile at me and hope I don’t witness liquor doesn’t numb the pain no more.
Shot. Shot. Shot. Emotional bullets are released to parallel the attempt of intoxicating wounds as you cry out for healing and memory absence.
As you scan social media it torments your mind & so everything good said about love gets your rejection whilst everything bad said gets your acceptance.
A tree never ceases to be a tree, the apple that plunges from it will always be an apple, cotton will always be cotton, regardless of the time or condition it will continue to be even and soft.
All that is beautiful in life is consistent, Love is the most beautiful and consistent existence in life, so how could Love ever be considered something that is on & off?
Sometimes we can become so devoured and muddled by what we want, we forget what we deserve resulting in us being hurt & that’s life, that okay to be.
“Take a look at me, I promise I will be, all the things that you wanted him to be.”

I wrote this in Five minutes because I've thought about you long enough to know what I want to say.

You might feel like no one understands but I've felt anquish to, I've seen effort turn invisible to, & I understand why you walk that way.

Skies you intended for sunshine fall victim to games and tearful lies. You find out things that feel like lightening through your heart and that pain has torn you.

Just thought I'd inform you, you're not a lone survivor for I've been in that storm to.

I myself have made it out but if you've ever been in a storm you know it's meaningless to be safe unless you know the people you care for are warm to.

When you make it out remember effort is a prerequisite to be worthy so even though your heart is the greatest gift worthy is the one who takes the initiative to steal it.

So I take my emotions and think of the most powerful actions to reveal it because words are just words until someone else feels it.

I feel like one day I'll be the best Poet Alive.
Strange because the best Poet is never alive.
Why is it we're only appreciate after we've died?

Sins stack to compose the guest list.

Constantly attending Numbed parties because mistakes, tears, and guilt, aren't easy things to rest with.

Demons

Mysteries of life, like the desire to be Prince Charming, like that princess that wants to be his perfect woman.

What we desire to be can never be realized, Perfection can never be paralleled, How do you not hurt yourself or them but still be human?

Demons with me

We all Lock skeletons away, is to hide our past & our mistakes deceit? Haunted by the past, when I do right I hear them laughing.

I am now what you deserve. The chamber to my past never open or you'll bare witness to pain, selfishness, & highs that are never lasting. A ball room drenched in regret  & we farce carelessly laughing.

Demons with me Dancing

I think it means something when you crave to speak to someone when the world is silent, When the stars are bright & there isn't much to do.

I think it means something that you own my thoughts, that to hug you feels like holding my dreams, that I wake up to many notifications & I just hope one of them is from you.

I think it means something that I can see how special you are, that I can see your unparalleled beauty exudes much deeper than just physical attraction.

I think it means something that I can see what you have to offer & what you deserve. Stars sing about angels like you, poets they write about you at 5am & you deserve to be loved overwhelmingly beyond levels of satisfaction.

Seems we can unintentionally hurt the people that matter the most just by simply trying to enjoy life.

Confusion envelops my pleasures, what is Joy if not shared with someone cherished but yet to lie them under the knife?

The distance between us seems unconquerable as time trots backward and I agonize on shores clutching my chest where you once laid.

Irrational optimism assists my pain as the Aegean flows as a sea of regret from my eyes & I dive into my tears hoping to once again hold my mermaid.

Father I Love you dearly with all my heart.

Its like I can never stop, everyday is another mistake, another imperfection. Another start.

Forgive me Again.

Hallucinogens ingested to my flesh for reasons I couldn't name & the higher I become the further I feel away from you.

Meaningless flings are selected for evenings one in the same & I dive into eternal fires for pleasures only to hope you'll bring me through.

Forgive me Again.

I couldn't tell you why I make these mistakes but the ones with the heaviest burdens are the ones that bring harm to another temple other than my own.

But then again it is not mines to own. I am yours, & she is yours, they are yours, & I know there's no way to retrieve that pain from the mind of your child once she's hurt and gone.

Forgive me Again.

In my mind rests so many words of repent, of remorse and regret that never went through.

Times where it's been just Me for you, & I wish I could've explained how terrorized I am by the idea of living with another someone to lose.

Traumatic memories can lead to irrational caution, repellant actions that seemingly can't be prevented or contained.

Flashes of past nightmares during my happiest days, guess the losses of my Dad, brother, and cousin led me to push away sunshine filled companionship for lonesome walks in the rain.

My impulsive actions are precaution of loss, can't allow another person to mean so much to me, cause I don't think I can withstand another cut to my core that deep, it's still sore.

So because of that I feel less and fear Lord. Give myself excuses like "her parents made more." "What would she even look my way for?" Victim of my own my mind, holding my inner gentlemen captive to free an ******* and I push away the same girls I used to pray for.

Even though Bella's fingers fitted in between mines as if that's what they were made for.

I know there's no way to take away the pain I've inflicted just like I still feel the pain of my own losses.

Mature enough now to realize my methods were addled by fear & emotion, & if I knew where you were Kennedy I'd tell you how sorry I am, realizing that it was selfish of me to vacate unannounced just to be cautious.

Tears always consume me thinking about the well being of Imani & if it's my fault. Blunts darken your bright soul, stress has dampened your smile & I'm so sorry my behavior made me inconsiderable to come dry tears.

I'd tell Ariel she made me forget my fears, that everyday I counted the piercings in your ears, that my reaction was pure caution after discovering you had kissed him, & I felt a pain as if I had held you in your bed for years.

I'd apologize to Rachel just because, just for the mix up in a terrible time for her. Id tell Amanda that I forgive her for playing with my mind, for saying she wasn't ready to move on & then kissing him in a club. Guess she'd say I got attached to quick in attempt to sucker me.

But I'm proud of that due to my often and recent inability to attach at all, & I regret the day  Abbie looked me in my eyes only to see I couldn't say I loved her too, that no matter how many times she lifted me to my feet I couldn't force my heart to give her that luxury.

Every night when my spirits are low & my eyes close to watch horrors,  I just feel the tears in my soul filling up from the hearts I've broken because mines lay in fractions.

So to them all, the Angels sent to me as I stumble through hell looking for the next hand to guide me, my deepest apologies for the ache, for time lost, & any unjustified distraction.

Motivation & ambition will lead you to ascend to levels where you're put around guys that are handed things you earn & the women are far to pretentious.

False salvation, better circumstances often lead to worse people, more obstacles, & being enveloped by spirits heavily tainted by blood of the innocent & the witness.

Oil simply doesn't mix with water, in this same concept genuine and artificial will never blend.

So your mind don't lose, everyone hates to lose, but it's a disguised victory if you ever lose a pretend friend with impertinent ends.

Tell the young boys flaws equate to reality & organic Love. Beware the Barbie dolls with perfect smiles that aquire happiness by spitting on and walking over the less fortunate.

But who am I to stop them from seeing for themselves? Who am I to stop them from seeing these girls on TV, working hard to get here, to get them, & realize their values you just can't override & soon your unconsciously forcing it

Perfection by definition is irrational to exist in the flesh but yet that's what she fancies herself, from physical appearance, intellect, to how she Loves.

All these "perfections" glamorized to hide the flaws she knows exist. Ms. Perfect Is that perfect Trust?

Tell me Ms. Perfect, Ms. Mommy's money, how are you so much better than us?

The value of a person runs much deeper than attractions, far beyond the material things, & I feel by now you've seen this, your last man cheated on you, probably with someone who embraces their imperfections, guess you weren't  "perfect" enough.

Ouch, I know you felt that just now. Low blow I know & you have the audacity to ask "why?"

In your mind someone like myself is so below you, it's kind of impossible for me to hit you up high.

Today I realized I was to small, to unknown, to middle class to fit in with the perfect smiles, the perfects weights, the people I thought kindness would be enough to yield their friendship.
In life we average people work hard to make a better life for ourselves. Sadly, no matter how well mannered or kind you are, despite how thoughtful you are, net worth & social status decides who these people are friends with.
They will hint jokes at the car you slaved and saved to buy yourself because it just doesn't quite shine as bright as the cars Mommy and Daddy bought them.
They were taught to smile bright, look good, and reach for the people who have value not people who will value them & these values say less about them and more about the people that taught them.
I guess that's why they smile in each other's faces and come to me to trash the people they were just pretending to love and care for so vigorously.
I guess that's why they tell lies without reasonable Premise, see they know the prices of material things, & know the names of the people who shine on Game Day & If you don't fall into those categories you're worthless to these people, literally.
Everything is perfect this. Everything has to be perfect that, & if you're a person with flaws you embrace especially those of the financial origin there's no place for you in their, well, I don't even know if I can say they even hearts.
If they do truly have hearts though you'll be sure to hear them complain about it being broken, because they're foolish enough to think they can just enter someone's life at the glorious finish & not care a single bit about the struggles in the start.

Every day when I stare into those eyes that capture my soul & silence my worries I wonder just what might be on your mind?
If I were somehow able to get pass that heavily secured guard you have around your heart what would I find?
Do you see the future flashes of me holding you so tight i don't have the room to stray, so close that to let you go would mean to let go of my self?
Do you see those same fall sundays in sweats grocery shopping & I'm just happy being dragged around like your puppet just to pick items off of really high shelves?
Have you ever wondered like I do what it might be like if we were to kiss, and kiss again until we could no longer feel our lips but instead our soul passionately clinching each other ?
I lay every night and wonder if you see the things I dream about, concerts where you stare at lights and i stare at you or lake days where I hold you tight while your teeth shutter.
When we're around them, when we're at pool parties and I have to act like I don't love you, like I don't hate guys hitting on you, can you see the desire to be yours in my eyes?
When I look at you and walk away, when i hug you and let go quickly, when I call you my friend, can you tell that these actions are all lies?
I guess I have so many questions that I'm bringing, but it seems it does matter if I'm sleeping or I'm drinking, whether I'm sweating my energy out on a track or singing, everyday, all day, I just can't but wonder what you're thinking?

Starting to believe I wasn't I meant for loving.

Everyone I care for, the emotion ends up being evicted & the population reduced to nothing

I sit the ones that love me on a slide and push until they can't hold on or sit any longer.

I see the ones I love at the bottom of hopeful slides & fall irresponsibly, faster and faster, the feeling getting stronger and stronger.

Now here I am again, loving another, loving you, & you don't want that, another smile I must part ways with.

I sit on a playground, laying in a sand box of my hearts sediments dampened by my tears, can't believe it took me this long to realize Love probably isn't the best thing to play with.

In my Dreams I see scenes I haven't experienced, I remember what I so wish to live & I miss nonexistent times.
My soul is now nourished by a mature heart, my actions overseen by a mind that lacks a bad intention, & my being aches for something which for there is a distant line.
As I sleep I see her & I miss her. My dear friend, I one day fell lost into the moon light gleaming on your face & stood ardently found in your chestnut eyes.
When I hold your hand I can feel my chest in your palm, as your breathe calms my heart races, & I feel the pain you carry from your past, & my eyes bathe in your cries.
You said you were scared to lose me, & just when I thought we couldn't be anymore similar I learned we share a common fear.
Friend or Lover, In the flesh or spiritually, your presence, your aura is one my being requests daily for emotional nutrition & no premise will ever exist to keep me from being here.
When I laugh with you my troubles become silent, my worries are the softest of whispers & my joys howl ferociously a pleasure that demands to be heard & one so true.
The day I stared into your eyes under wonderland painted concert lights in a moment to be cherished I felt myself die Only to be reborn, only to tell God I couldn't stay, that I had to come back, come back for you.

I couldn't point to the reason that you consume my thoughts when the sun goes down.

So mysterious is my desire to have your time, regardless if it's genuine return of interest or just the run around.

Your smile, that smile, precisely resembles the overwhelment of staring at waters so crystal clear the blurriest of views shutter no longer.

Your laugh, your voice, so tranquil my legs lose their brawn, my voice cowards behind my amazement & I feel my joy flourish stronger

I just thought you should know that you amaze me. That my eyes become frustratingly fatigue when I try to see the flaws you claim to have, those absent flaws no one else can see.

I just thought you should know, friend, or more. Whether we're sharing laughs or beds. Your uniqueness is eternal, your beauty goes unparalleled, and no matter what we ever are, you're surely a blessing to me.

Everyone should have a friend as prodigious as you atleast once in their lifetime, & I can see the pain you hold back from those who let you go unknowingly discharging a gift.

When ever you need a chest made pillow, a patient hand to dry tears, or just ears that don't judge and understand the language of scars; I will be ready to use the strength you give me to give your spirits a lift.

"Can't fly unless you let yourself fall"
Meaning God's blessings can't get to you if you imprison yourself behind a regretful wall

If you want to a see a view, a peak, you have to be willing to run uphill & stumble sometimes.
I'm inspired every time me and you speak, & even though I can't tell what will, I know no one can get to you if you hide behind those rubbled love lines.

I see your call for help
I see your cry for assistance.
& unlike your past friends
I promise not to miss it.
I see your tears fall into the seas
I hear you cry and beg please.
I see sharks surround you
Through your heart, out your soul bleeds.
I will offer the last of my will.
Give the last of my strength, anything I can do.
I'll save you & say goodbye.
& when you open your eyes to my memory you'll know you always came before anything else because I was drowning too.

Suns descend, Moons rise & the moment my chamber becomes dark I'm again trapped in this puzzling, and tormenting box.
My wrists hand cuffed and bound by my insecurities & questions I won't accept the answer to, unable to sleep at night I'm always policed by my own thoughts.
Statements that once seemed so true are interrogated by my lack of trust & begin to sweat drops of lies and betrayal.
My goals are set in the horizon of a seemingly endless hallway and I find myself kneeling, sheltering my ears from the terrorising sounds of people hoping for me to fail.
A raging tycoon sweeps through my mental hamlet & I always just want you to hear the storm, for you to know your own storms are not uncommon, that you can trust me, or you should.
But you don't care to listen to me let alone trust me enough to let me comfort you with your own aches and Demons whisper me to me "you're unworthy, for her you're just no good."
I would love to go to sleep imagining perfection, A fairytale world where my goals aren't far away, & we have conversations where trust and comfort is abundant to where there aren't any problems to be relevant.
But sadly, my mind doesn't operate that way. Doubts in my mind tell me I'm not good enough, I'm not close enough, doubts enforced by my own logic & I seem doomed to serve a life sentence in a dungeon composed of my own thoughts, a prisoner of my own intelligence.

It heavily burdens my heart when I see people neglect and disrespect their parents.
Do you know the pain you'd feel if you were forced to live without them? No? Let me share it.
In a hospital that feels more Siberian than the rest, you feel your chest flood with boiling fluid & it feels like the entire world is sitting on your shoulders.
A pain you are coerced to endure, at the time of introduction the idea of it eventually passing seems impossible & you begin to wish your life was over.
That's pain because I'm absolutely petrified of death, I have panic attacks of my eyes closing never to gaze at daylight another day.
At this moment all fear vacates your core because you realize there is no greater threat in this realm greater than losing a parent this way.
Parent, Parent, I stress parent because this is someone that didn't just conceive you but raised you, structured your essence and identity with love poured into hard labor.
So when you're yelling at your mom for some foolish petty thing, earthly things in life that don't even matter, imagine staring at her with pain thriving in her soul and knowing there's not a thing you can do to save her.
Imagine having siblings, Seven older than you, all criminals and the worse of badly influenced adolescences. Imagine them all dropping out, nobody older than you graduates high school.
Imagine looking up to this at the age 13 & 14 selling drugs, carrying pistols and walking over people, inviting violence because to you this is what the ones you looked up to made seem cool.
Imagine how disappointed a God fearing father is of his sons, that they aren't off to colleges to glorify his name & bring joy and pride to his heart.
& imagine all of your siblings on the streets poor or in the confinements of jail, and you yourself gang affiliated when it's time for his soul to part.
Imagine staring into their eyes and regretting every argument, every disrespectful phrase, & you would give all these things up you thought you wanted just for them to have one more day.
Imagine your savior, your angel laying decaying and they feel no pain toward their own existence but the only thing that troubles them is will their babies be okay?
Imagine God stepping into your life, placing you in a better environment, purifying your heart, you become kind, loving, respectful, intelligent, everything your dad dreamed of, you bust your *** to be it.
Imagine being the first of his kids to graduate, imagine signing a division 1 scholarship, imagine being the first in the family ever to go to college & becoming an
All-American and your biggest supporter, biggest fan, the person that gave you the life you live isn't even there to ******* see it!
If all this isn't enough pain for you to realize how much you should cherish your parents, how you should appreciate any day spent with them over some meaningless party, how disrespect should never be catapulted in their direction, & how if it is you should immediately apologize.
You'll soon wake up and look at life different & cherish every single person you care about, cause on top of the pain you're experiencing at the loss of a parent, your pain will be oh so amplified when you have to hold the other parent for months and years whipping tears from their eyes.

"Losing a Parent" -Dash Pinder

Say you're on your way. The wait is unbearable.
Say you'll cherish me only. Say your heart is unshareble.
"Say you'll be mine.
Say we'll be fine.
Say we'll be together.
Selfish of me to ask since I'd be the reason we don't last forever."
I hear your voice in songs. A voice that's never blessed my ears.
I feel your hugs, mild hugs I've dreamed about throughout my coldest years.
Where are you? Please Send the location.
****** the keys to my heart, free my soul & and rescue me from this emotionless probation.
Have you been hurt like me? Is it weird The most beautiful things on you are your scars?
Could I grasp you admittedly close to my being as we lay on our band-aids & gaze up at stars?
In Dreams you're all I see. Fantasies of a we. Prematurely feeling something that has to be.
I've paid the price for happiness, I've handled the heaviest of baggages & I wait patiently for the day God ships & delivers you to me.

Cuts heal & remain visible
At times you may not even feel kissable.
Latch on to faith.
in the line you're last so that it lasts, just wait.
truth hurts, but lies don't heal.
is it still a sin if it's your heart I intend to steal?
I'll gladly bite the fruit for you
you badly fight the truth, poor you.
Accept the pain, welcome the deceite.
To let them continue to hurt you is to accept defeat.
Stare at the angel in the mirror.
Release past demons & be born again purer.
you feel damaged. I see a soul seasoned.
It's usually the pains in life that come with the heaviest reasons.
stress no longer, ache no more.
Pack up the tears, & walk out the door.
One day you wake up & your hearts no longer sore.
I know this because ever since I've laid eyes on you, mines aches no more.

I could no longer persuade myself to endure the pain.
I would drive a knife through my soul until it pierced the coldest edges of my heart so it would never beat again.
In my mind laid inestimable secrets, knowledge that bled from my romantic wounds & It would be selfish to carry this jewel with me to the journey above.
Previously abandoned by the soul I should be with, I felt my essence had been stolen, & as I laid on arctic rose peddles dying I now knew the answer to her repetitive question, "What is Love?"
Love is a gamble, a casino incased by a plethora of overwhelming emotions in which bets are not negotiable, you have to be all in.
You either win treasures you've only witnessed in fantasies or lose all that is you & fall into the darkest corners of your most horrendous nightmares & watch your spirit deplete from within.
Love is going to a restaurant & saying you're not hungry because you only have enough money for her to get every thing she wants to eat.
It's gazing upon God's greatest gift to me, drowning in those chestnut eyes, & to be hungry no more because the sight of her bliss is a taste that indescribably sweet.
Love is sitting and watching Pretty Little Liars when the second round of the NBA playoffs is on with the largest of attitudes & her happiness overwrites your own distaste.
It's not caring who's around, staring into her eyes like seeing my first car for the first time & never wanting to look away, to feel no shame to express my affection and gratitude for her in any place.
Love is a change of currency in which forgiveness becomes more valuable than pride, & sometimes even forgiveness isn't enough to cover the debt. Love truly is a gamble that can leave your pockets, soul, and amorous heart sore.
The absence of love can lead you to desire an absence from life, with knife in hand & tears of aura descending from my eyes I drive the blade through my aching heart & Strange, it hurts no more.

Love is.. -Dash Pinder

Accepting my generation is kind of hard, everyday mental capacities are sabotaged, take a glance at my peers & everybody's identity is camouflaged
It's an age where there's a long line of scars, their inner image is cut down reduced like wood to a cabin lodge, & they don't realize one day they'll have to pay for pretending, identity theft is a major kind of fraud.
No mind desires to think for itself, they wait on the next topic like a lecture class, only to not develop their own opinion on a topic already selected for them, it's like a professor giving a quiz with the answers listed.
Love is ridiculed & you're chastised if it's felt, my brothers and sisters are clearly broken, a generation of fractured glass, & my soul aches as I observe minds that were predestined for uniqueness be restricted and uniformed to one day wake looking for their life realizing they've missed it.
The other day I found myself on the Twitter page of a boy who has counterfeited my essence & over written the gift God gave him that is his own style, his own thoughts, his one fights.
I felt no anger rather sympathy, the avidity to help, to show and tell him that no flesh is of greater value than another, that his mind is as onliest as my own, & rather than borrow my charisma he should seek his own until a fit feels right.
Everyone witnesses this tragedy but so many are blind to it. Social media sets the standard of what you guys feel, accept, avoid and address & those actions are the root of what will define you & should originate from your own spirit and core.
Believe it or not the opinion of the public you're not assigned to it, Don't let opinions lead you astray from the real, to neglect, and compress those remaining fractions of who you really are screaming out to be heard and glorified more.
Consider we live in a generation where guys will crave for women who are generous with their bodies & then give advice for another man to steer clear of a woman who has shared the very thing they search for & chastise that guy if he shows any emotion toward her.
Comprehend I observe girls complaining about immature men & being blistered by bad intentions but have the audacity to turn down a genuine and God abiding man down simply because he isn't a quarterback or a power forward.
We lack identity. So often we say our parents just don't understand but how could they? We glorify pain and lend scars, social media has made everyone feel as if they're famous, pretend stars, personalities blending together like a *** of gumbo, inseparable, undeniably the same and we wonder why we can't tell who our friends are?
Narcotics are consumed by the plenty, minds are poisoned with false values we've enveloped ourselves in, no one longer values a good person but rather what that person has that is valuable & they say we're the future? If you ask me, we are where the end starts.

Absent Identity -Dash Pinder

God told me that I had to change.
I promised them I would stay the same & I didn't.
It used to be Love now to my name they send spit.
I Apologize but I'm no longer that negative person you were such good friends with.

It's 5am & Ive never felt more awake.
Every time she leaves, my heart she takes.
But she lays with me now & im drowning in excitement and joy.
My heart pounds and my stomach dances like a prom masquerade as if I'm a 13 year old boy.
I treasure these nights, & when God shuts off the lights, I know it's time for me to stare into those mesmorizing autumn eyes.
The pleasure is right, she holds me tights, & I dread her leaving again at the first evidence  of sunrise.

Can we get away?
Hop on a plane fueled by my avidity to gaze into those indigo eyes & "lay paralyzed next to me today.
We're so in sync we have yet to quarrel, lay in my bed & watch how I drop to my knees and for you I pray.
This sensation the miles can't separate, my twin in spirit it's implausible we were born on separate dates. I'm spinning in circles around Olympus on heaven's skates, my soul has flourished impatient & I can't wait.
Can we get away?

When I write I like music with the voice soft
A dark room where only my thoughts are bright
A pen composed of memories & ache
A notepad with endless opportunity
I poor my emotions onto a poetic canvas & anyone who reads always ponders "how did he sculpt this type of art with the lights off?"

Emotions are like children.
If you keep them prisoner inside, They will find their own way out.
You can ground them but they'll sneak out.
Or you'll keep them inside so long they'll grow so old that you have no choice but to watch them leave the nest unprepared for the world.
So, might as well let them be free.

People often make the mistake of interpreting depression as just a sadness but in reality it's much deeper, much more exhausting, it's like through a black hole watching yourself dying.
You want to help, you want to save yourself, but there's no energy to lend rescue. I seemingly became an evil fiend, latching on to my own soul & depleting the faith, soon tears would rush to my chest & day through night I laid in my room a demon crying.
Depression is a soundless burglar, you don't ever hear him breaking in. Strangely enough once he's in, you won't care if he stays, you won't ever ask him to vacate. You'll decorate the guest room with your own pain, seas of your own tears, monuments of your own fears and play a great host.
With every new sun, I felt less alive. Every breathe felt like a burden and every chance of danger was something i welcomed. He made me ungrateful for life, I felt like I was drowning but didn't care much to make it back to the coast.
To be depressed is to be in a track meet i always dreamed of running in & feel no joy, zero excitement, all the athletes are full of adrenaline & i'm filled with a yearning for isolation, an addiction to darkness & loud silence, in that crowd I felt alone.
To be depressed is to lay with women as beautiful as Acoma Iris blossoming in the spring. Women I used to dream of as I was ridiculed, chastised & told I wasn't attractive enough & feel not a single emotion! No pleasure nor excitement & these are Goddesses I would usually write poetry about, soon I feared my soul was gone.
To make matters worse people would seek conflict with me because of my appearance, because I appeared attractive or strong? I don't know but, my silence came off as arrogance when it was really my cry for assistance, for somebody to pull me out of the shadows & I could return to trying to inspire the youth.
As I disintegrated in Fires colder than my lifeless heart, I would reflect on how the Lord called home my Father, my cousin, and now my uncle, now my pastor & every night in my prayers for help I would ask "Lord can I just come sit next to you?"
Percocet meals had the only nutrition that gave me the strength to get through my days. If tested by the NCAA that's my scholarship gone, some would say my future, so comprehend I had gotten so low I just desired to endure the present, me having a future seemed so far fetched.
Depression shuts you down & it was terrorizing being a depressed athlete, not a regular student I couldn't just shut down. I had practices, meetings, lifting I couldn't afford to miss & so Alarms were set an hour ahead because it took me that long to gather the strength needed to get out of bed.
Zoloft, Prozac, Oleptro, anti-depressants unworthy to survive the battles in my soul, for an antidepressant to help me they would need the strength of Christ. Soon I stopped looking for hope, satisfied by the comfort of Percocet I search no more & suddenly she was there.
I really don't know how it came to play or why it happened, they say when you stop looking what you were looking for appears. I had so much to say & she would lend me her ears talk to me at night & help me forget my fears. A light in the darkness, I seen a spark, a glimpse of emotion, something I had not felt it what seemed like years.
Clueless, I would soon come to witness she was an angel sent by Lucifer, the last amount of anguish needed fracture my soul, the straw that broke the camels back, the last kick to my will. She was my payback for the deceptive things I hadn't done in so long.
Imagine being incapable of emotion in the midst of events and scenery that produce celestial emotion in others. Imagine being so lifeless & Siberian you couldn't feel your own sadness & then after an eternity of torment you finally feel it all & that person tells you the fact that you're feeling is what is wrong.
I used to think Karma was a myth set out by adults to make me tread my actions carefully. But now I realize karma is as real nematophagous fungi, an ambush predator waiting with flawless timing, waiting to tear you apart, to bring you down.
At war with Karma & Depression I no longer could fight these battles alone & I turned to the father, to my Lord and savior, to the only man worthy to wear a crown.
It took many times hearing the Lord speak through a mortal vessel to pull me out of a humid darkness I could not step out of alone. & to anyone who might be secluded in shadows, turn to the lord, & I promise rescue and aid he will send.
Do not be as foolish as me, do not run into battle unarmed requesting your own demise. Explain your silence if you can, and don't shelter yourself from the ones that care. Don't fake smiles until you're back to a dark room filled with pain that shouldn't comfort you, don't end up experiencing bleakness during once in a lifetime moments & realize you're standing in front of cameras a depressed All-American.

"All-Depression" - Dash Pinder

I open doors & praise my Queen on my knees
If she were to ever stumble, in a dash, with the speed of a thousand horses I'm there to help her to her back to her feet.
I hold her so tight to my essence there's no room for other women to come in between.
A group of gentlemen in my generation is yet to be seen.
See me, I feel I'm the last of a dying breed.
I'm the guy that values her soul, her love over what she could provide under sheets.
& I'm the guy that gets ignored & written off. My generation of women are so blinded by their own aloofness they can't see I'm that man they're always complaining that they need.

Depression is the quietest burglar,
you don't ever hear him breaking in.
We've become so acquainted
He comes over and rings the bell
& ironically I happily let him in.

When you have an infinite pool of memories some may not be as clear as others but my first sight of her is as clear as aquarium windows
She had eyes that shined like a varsity star on JV, a smile that made me feel innocent, a laugh that sang to the inner child I hid from my coworkers and skin that i somehow just knew was as soft as Jehovah's pillows.
High School was my empire, my company, I was the head of the board, the CEO & looking at her made me weak, extremely weak, as if I was a college grad in my first interview, a warm gummy worm under a steak knife.
A villainous & crooked CEO I offered false dreams, led interns to believe they could earn a permanent position at my side, with really no true intention to keep them around past a short term, ironically one intern would change my life.
Although this is probably known, I have never spoken it out loud. My intentions were utterly negative, to lust and vacate, ignore her grief, & later ask for her friendship as if I had forgotten my deceptive ways.
Upon her accepting the pain I offered disguised as a fairytale romance hidden behind a friendly smile and a fleecy touch I couldn't help but think "I win again" unknowingly welcoming with open arms a loss I would feel for the rest of my days.
The losses that are complete losses are not the ones to fear. Beware the losses that taught you something, the losses that made you better, the losses that are treasures for the next person to cherish.
Can I even consider it a loss lord? Is to lose a blessing a loss or is to have had the blessing even with having to part ways with it a victory in itself? It's this question, this thought that would lead my peace, my morals, my sanity to perish.
A young girl came into my bureau & completely shook the foundation, transformed my rules and morals, flooded a chilled and dreary workplace with unquestionable love, kindness, and innocence.
The most beautiful things in life can't be bothered without retaliation, **** the most gorgeous tree and Mother Nature will scorn you, corrupt a lionizing sky with dark clouds and there's no way to escape the consequence.
Make no mistake she was & still is to this stay one of earths greatest sights, An antibiotic to infected eyes, fruit for the soul, and a nutrient i would inquest and crave for everyday.
Never had I met an intern so full of life, i set out a task she would achieve, achieve, achieve. My effort she matched, my spirit and Enthusiasm she surpassed, anything i put forward she quickly matched like a celestial 401k.
It's not everyday the Boss learns from the intern & the experience was nothing short of an epiphany. Her paralyzing deep chestnut graze taught me to look deeper than just what the eyes revealed.
Her heart was as pure as ****** from the furthest regions of East Asian jungles, a heart so pure it purified and cleansed the heinous of mines, an affection so real.
The most alarming motivators in life are Love & Pain. We are willing to Die for what we Love & circumvent the pains we fear at all cost, until what you love is the source of the pain & we end up so confused by excruciating emotion we are willing to die for pain and avoid the love.
In her absence that's precisely what I did. I played hide & seek with the idea of Love & searched for pain, My soul would seek cuts, my heart craved anguish, anything that periodically felt worse than the regret of that game winning catch I let slip out of my glove.
Needless to say she taught me to appreciate everyone in this Company I called My life, that an intern can impact your empire just as much as a chief financial officer, just as much as your successor that is your pride and joy, your only kid.
We wish to believe we are in control of our lives but are we really? Are you in control if one mortal being can change the direction entirely? All that is certain is that we should love and appreciate however we can. Open your arms, open your heart, and most importantly open your eyes, put a microscope on your life, it's usually the things we subconsciously write off as minor and small that turn out to be so big.

"Imani's Internship" -Dash Pinder

In every single one of my Poems, I set a fire to my soul & hope someone sees the smoke.
& if no one lays eyes on my despair, I roll over into a Percocet induced coma & dream as I choke.
Send somebody.

I express what I'm feeling because to compress emotion is to request self destruction.
Say what you feel, share what you feel, there is no right or wrong, no proper instruction.
I release toxic emotions they poor out through vivid imagery & after I'm able to function.
My emotions blend together like a gumbo, one leading to the other & so forth, a fervent conjunction.

Faith. Hope. Life. Joy. Simple.
All of the things that claim in the Lord's temple.
Rather than excitement, I'm consumed by speculation as I walk through these church doors.
Maybe big time temples get away from the main point, from what's right? Strange that the most famous person here is not the Lord.

Something changes when the sun beats me to bed.
Numbers dance, scripts prance, & a masquerade starts in my head.
Traces of things I should've did, thinking of my tomorrows, my worries, what am I do?
Suddenly this party in my head seizes, music is silenced & the guests vacate once I see that "incoming call" from you.

As usual I awake, open my phone & observe a virtual world full of my peers Opinions.
But the things I'm seeing & hearing today, this time I can't sit back and listen.
When someone points out your negative habits, you rebel, utter "this is my life" & that's it. Nobody ever budges.
Same Love becomes legalized, & you're offended? People who feel so alone, now have some light shed into a tunnel of hiding and depression & I see a shortage on law degrees but an abundance of judges.
I've watched my generation, friends I've had from childhood drown and disintegrate in sin you guys praise, Hallucinogens, violence, theft, disrespect, *** antecedent to matrimony, all these things you same judges promote.
Now today, people with blunts in their grips, blood on their hands, with children despite lack of marriage, but more importantly people we allow to live their lives and be happy want to condemn others for being happy makes me sick, puts a disgusting blockade in my throat.
Gay love is love too & they deserve the same smiles you have. A gay woman once tutored me to pass a much needed course, a gay guy one returned my wallet when I thought I was surely going to hurt for weeks, I have so many stories.
God is the ultimate judge & we will all be judged for our sins. I just feel like there's so many things wrong with this world today, two people being happy should be the least of our worries.

Love Wins -Dash Pinder

Bright ideas but I like my room dark, So when I start thinking I disturb my own comfort zone.

The best feelings are the ones that have mystery.
I've become addicted to wondering if you're missing me.
I don't know why you came into my life.
I don't know why you left.
With us anything can happen, any turn can be made.
One day it hurts , one day it feels so good.
But, I just love, Not knowing.

They say once you stop looking
what you were looking for appears.
So I wonder if I shut my eyes,
will you materialize here?

I use to ponder why so much pain for me Lord?
Now, today, I think I finally comprehend.
My band aids are symbols of survival.
My pain silences cries of Death & plays a cheerful symphony with the essence of revival.
Look in my soul and see my pain.
See my retries & see my faith. Find the sunshine In my rains.
You can either use your distress, or waste it.

Recycled tears -Dash Pinder

I see you guys talk so much but you haven't said anything.
Only words with substance are truly heard.
Please stop whispering.
I can't hear your desperate attempt to gain attention.

Movies. Shows. Clips.
I stare into screens that take me away.
My mind lapses & my mind begins to play.
Every day a screen steals my time.
A robber of thoughts, theft of the mind.

Slow down & Go. Caution & proceed. Yellow & Green. My spirit overwhelmed during a journey to a land secreted by amber & emerald, yet all I can remember of my experience is a soul searching blue.
For a night I gazed into eyes as sapphire as the deepest parts of the Aegean Sea, Eyes that dried tears i had not yet cried & put untested trust within me, a stare so true.
I stood next to her looking at a land i hadn't seen before, looking over its entirety from the top of a cliff I couldn't help but notice this artistic nature was no equal to the smile gleaming beside me.
I had run probably the most exciting race of my existence that day yet my heart had never paced faster. My palms dripped, my stomach spinning more than a laundromat, what's going on inside me?
Seems I've been waiting my whole life to meet a stranger, a stranger that felt so familiar, a touch that had the comfort of my childhood home, I latched on to a mysterious hand, a hand never held & soon the bizarre magic had begun.
When faced with things that are seemingly to good to be true wonder and curiosity can dissipate the mind. You're faced with a yellow light. I knew it to be impossible yet the moment stared me in the eyes, twas like looking at a full moon next to the noon sun.
I found myself Lost in eyes so bewitching I felt unworthy to stare into them. My mind was absent, my body was absent. All of me that is left is my heart & my lips; my heart dashing as I was gifted with a savory kiss.
I can still feel that breathe gliding across my skin sending chills to my core. With every touch I could feel my heart speed up, with every exhale she seemingly gave me my next inhale, gave me life, gave me breathe, kisses of Primatene mist.
My soul was dominated by a type of cancer, a chivalrous cancer, killing the emotionless existence of me & soon she claimed something I didn't even know I was offering.
My heart became her trophy as I slept a sleep as peaceful as an empty beach, a sleep periodically interrupted by passionate *** that sent me deeper into slumber & I knew the minute I left this land I would begin suffering.
I know now time is not a prerequisite of passion. Passion is not about how long the fire has been burning but rather how intense and consuming the flame is. In 10 hours an eternity flashed before my eyes, & I saw a person filled with emotion I've tried so hard to summon for my past.
Slow down & Go. Caution & Proceed. Yellow & Green. I entered this land yellow, & by the time I left I was fully green, as green as the dollar in my pocket, the salads she ate, and the gorgeous Nature surrounding this unfamiliar land. Sometimes you have to ignore the slow down signal & drive through the light full blast.

"Yellow & Green" -Dash Pinder

I go to a gym to run and lift.
After I feel weaker rather than stronger.
I eat for nutrition.
After the meal I feel sluggish and sleepy.
Weakness is a prerequisite of Strength.

Have you ever seen a plate so empty it was full? Full of disappointment, full or worry, despair & seemingly adding to your tormenting hunger.
As I stare at a full plate of food, the first Sunday dinner since I've gotten home from Bama I think, I reflect, and I wonder.
I wonder how we arrived here, or rather why because I know what had to happen and what has taken place for my family to receive.
I continue to think & eat and before my stomach can even reach its satisfaction I leave the table to write, to let you guys know to be discreet of a soul with a full plate who has never had to bleed.
J.Cole said "there's beauty in the struggle" and if you didn't dissect that on your own the beauty he speaks of is the instruction of values.
There are some things words simply can not show, there are joys & pains script can not display; struggle, disparity, and crucible are the only entities that can instill this consciousness inside you.
You can not truly appreciate crossing the finish line in front of the entire field until you have felt the embarrassment, the scathing burn of watching your competitors flock away from you like Geese in October
If you have never drove a 94' Honda Accord with "out of order" AC & lack of audio then the Luxury vehicle that is so greatly cherished seises to be luxury, it's just a car, you don't even see it as a Range Rover.
I even noticed in myself that I had become immune to the beauty and purity of my past lovers. I began to forget how blessed I was to have the present because the past was equally as elegant.
If you give the people a great commander in chief & then a second, and then a third, a fourth, a fifth, a sixth, by the seventh time around they won't appreciate a good president.
Beware the soul that has a a full plate that never had to bleed because they do not value anyone else's plate. A rich man born rich does not value having a spare fish for the hands of the poor.
Truly how could they? They don't know that excruciating hunger, they've never felt agonizing winters sharp as forest mulch splinters, poverty so bad you feel worthless like unbearable guilt dancing in your core.
If you've used an elevator your entire existence how could you relate to the fatigue I feel from taking the steps. Taking the necessary steps to hunt, clean, and prepare the same meal that was simply delivered to you.
If you were blessed to be born into a stocked kitchen you're not to blame & I have no quarrel with your life. Just understand there are struggles you will never entirely comprehend & I just ask that you never pretend to understand what the people clawing at the bottom have to go through.

"Full stomach || Empty Heart" -Dash Pinder