Today I look at you
& I know it was real
You were there
Now here, unchanged

& my heart is relieved
That you wear the same name
I used to keep safe in my mouth
The same hands
You used to collect my strands of fallen hair

Still
I dare not to touch you
Even for just one more time

No
Not today

Today I look at you
With eyes as innocent
As a curious child
& hold myself back
Like a dog beaten a hundred times

& I remember
& I know it was real

look at my back
watch me as i try to walk
notice how i hardly move

how i have to painfully drag my feet
share the ground the blisters as a secret


look at my back
how i carry my bones
how i silent the creaks

the breaking sounds, the irony smells
now i let them out


look at my back
watch me as i leave the room
listen as i slam the door

unhear the voices
unsmell the scents


look at my back
for the first, the last time
watch me as i hope for the best

my back soon glued inside
an open casket

you were one's most favorite poem which one could never have the heart to bring to words ---

not anymore.

The way my father
speaks is the way my head hurts;
purely true headache.

Holding up tears is hard to do
Your shaking voice tells it to everyone
But you do it anyway.
Suppressing feelings is hard to do
It gives you massive headache you can't ever explain to anyone
But you do it anyway.

It takes more courage to live
And being brave is not lazy.
Trying hard is not lazy.
You are not lazy nor crazy.

This is called
Bravery.

you
are gone. i can't run
too far.
your legs are too
long. i can't
follow you
anymore.

i know you know,
i don't understand
anything
at all.

who you are,
who you were,
i have no
idea.

and who i am,
who i was,
i don't even
know.

who wrote those,
who sent those,
who read those,
it was only a
dream, dull and
gray.

our islands.

i kept thinking
we
shared a
bond.

i wish i was in hell these days, burning
warmth so overwhelming it hurts
burn so severe it eliminates everything else

i want to forget this body, this lonely
that unlawfully resides within me
in raging eternal flames, that's how
i want to be forgotten
i want to become ashes, rise again
only to burn to death again
that's how i want to forget
what it's like to have skin and bones
what it's like to disguise the skeleton with fat and cellulites

i wish i was in hell these days, burning
yet all i do is hoarding, gorging, overindulging
in this cold room of a landfill, as a lifestyle
but also no, i don't live like this
i don't live at all

i want to prove the world wrong
i want to nullify your religion
i want you to know the absolute truth

i want to burn, because coldness
is how i know hell. i want to break,
because my whole is how
i become hell

hell is all in my head
hell is all over my body
hell is penetrating my every pores
because it's gaping wide, asking for it
asking to be filled, asking for anything
asking for enlargement, asking to reduce themselves
asking to perish, forcefully, painfully, then all at once

when i see your eyes i see an eye and another eye.
when i see your eyes there's nothing much i can see other than your eyes.
when i see your eyes i see eyes.

You smell like seafood
And even if it doesn't mean
That I cannot live without you,
The more important thing is

It actually does mean that, but
That really is not the point,
And I do not even try
To make this sounds boring

Yet I know you've yawned a hundred
Times, but despite that
You are still reading this because
Kindness has something to do

With you, in red and blue
As to be seen on my biology book
And naturally, the most important thing is
Not yet to be said.

So let's talk about smaller things
Like house that feels like bus stop
Or the songs you hummed in your sleep
Or the turtles that taste like home,

Or just come back home
Even if you had said you would
Not, I cannot possibly remember
A thing about parting.

1/
Why didn't you order chinese tea
like we usually had

or break the glass and plate
just to see the waitress bend?

2/
We let the boat, corroded,
taking us to the middle of sea

and though it was raining hard
your tears were the only I did see.

3/
You stood like a tree,
breathed thunder.

We're each other's fire
and that's how I believe in forever.

this is a cry
this is a cry
this is a cry
this is a

parking lot. that is how big this world is. a sad space between the trees, east to a canteen, west to a badminton field. head south, there's a toilet. the way out is in the north.

we are full of cold cars and stranger's sweat. we are full of leaves, branches, fruits that fall anonymously. of raindrops, of muds that stain our clean white shoes. we are full.

come, wind. come and break the trees. come so they can wreck us into scraps.

it is no harm to the living. roots keep them alive. what does that make a human? people are abandoned, fences are mistaken as a protection. the lonely bridge. the raging river. the subject. the unidentified. everything is now an object to the eye

and it wrenches our emotion until we give them all up, of course, until we've got nothing left, of course, until breathing is solved and the lungs unravel

listen
this has been a cry all along