"It gets better."
"I cannot see that."

"One day you would."
"But when is one day?"

When a wound heals, it doesn't immediately disappear. "It takes time."
"I run out of time."

Time is a mere man-made concept, nothing more. "Please don't say that."
"Yeah, I knew I shouldn't." Innocence is somehow socially accepted yet purity and honesty aren't.

"I hope you understand." What's said and left unsaid. They all matter and I hope you understand. I really do.
I wish you did understand. "I do. I completely understand."

the midnight songs you used to play
on the radio-
it is better than your voice;
it hurts less, the aches are light;
soft wind at purplish evening.
forming bruises, even without ink they do fade;
permanent scars- open often, bleed; rush!
lesser than a tattoo,
low quality yet overrated,
nothing like flickering fire-
art? it is actually trash.

All along in my tongue mother comes she stays for quite a long time. it was all in my head when i decided i had my own taste because i certainly don't, i had been so tasteless before i was growing out of a broken moon in mother's funny womb.

My tongue is the ungrateful one. at least i can appreciate the fact that i once had purity but when in this silly world nothing greater than intensity and dirt all over the place so, basically mother saved me. she'd put all her might on my tongue and god it is definitely infinite!

Now stomach is exhausted and head understands too much, now and then they both ache for each other, they both are trying to ruin me again and burn me with jealousy. for all what i've done is mother's doings, for all what i've tasted is mother. honestly i can't remember anymore how neutral tasted like, how my own tongue tasted like.

All along in my tongue mother has been lazy and a queen. nothing moves her except i remove my own tongue, but twist is she only comes and stays and she never goes. (god isn't this pointless, what use of your face if i can't see it, if my feet keep dragging me further from your back, if my glasses keep shattering and my eyes full of sand?)

(Nothing is keeping me away from you anymore, even when mother nags in my tongue and sour thing meddles with my throat.) i have been emptier before but nothing matters anymore, i was here before i am not, now i must have known the taste i've lost because of mother or not because of her, it's actually nothing at all.

Your love makes me puke
And i and my roommate keep
The bathroom *****

for me, it has always been
an ocean, a sea, a body of
salty water. for me, it does
not matter if it's just a little
a little wave is shaking my entire being
imagine i
have to stand tall in a surfer's board, i
am drowning. i am drowning
can't save myself

so funny how i feel so small
with such a large body
how i feel powerless with
such a strong hip
how i feel empty with
out a gap between my thigh

s

for me, it has always been
the ocean, the sea, the body
of salty water. i want to wear
so little and show all skin. i
want to be seen. i want to
be all skeleton and float like a lifesaver.
but i
drown
i drown
i keep drown
ing. i drown. i am drown. drown

the volcano in my abdomen
erupts every time you are away
it keeps bursting, flowing
the liquid is warm, I feel cold
my chronic emptiness keeps being filled
with more void, more vacuum
I feel huge

Bed sheet smells a lot
of detergent and menthol
It reeks of sadness

When i think of you i think of death
A tasteless, neutral more than god
An easy one

When i think of you i think of death i think of mother
The last time i saw her eyes
They were fading like sharpie on my hands
They sounded like a cave, like leftovers

I do not think i could love anymore
When i think of that i think of a river or a sea
The beds and my body, the beds and my body
A casablanca, a jasmine, i wonder if the window would be high enough--
When i think of that i remember, charlie
Don't jump

Hometown, how i wish i don't belong
The towns where they don't know my name
The town that has known me for years
Yet i barely know her
It was me who decided to go home
Yet how i wish i don't belong
How i wish i was that strong

"Hey, stop it.
You are romanticizing."

Don't ******* tell me to stop
Don't ******* tell me to stop what i don't even started

Bedroom breeze, moonlit
water and late night shower.
I pray to the trees.

I'd rather lose the battle than be fake like you.

I was your baby, your stomachache,
moonlight on your hair, flower of your *******,
a curse to your womb, sweetness clotting in your veins.

I'll take you in, I've been waiting for so long.

It was August.
We both were dead, we
both were peacefully cold.

I'd never been such a soil before. I think I'll never be.

It was only an Avalokiteśvara error.
Our breath continued,
but we were no longer connected, they pulled
me out from you, they
only thought, how much of a nuisance I was to you.
And I spent my entire life to make you think the same way.

Come in, I'll make you tea.

It was always August.
You put too much sugar in our life,
oh God, don't make me tell you that.
I am sorry I don't have chairs.
Chairs are the thing to break the window, to open the door,
the thing to be kicked at 2 a.m.
I have a normal way of living, so I don't have chairs.

Would you come in?

I kept staring at your shadows.
I kept repeating your heartbeats.
I was your baby, your waking up songs,
eye of your world, crescent on your face,
an anchor to your chairs, softness wrapping your scarred hands.

This body demands
More than the soul can provide
All is descending

i cant give up my heat
to what i really need
arent i   just like
my mother? clumsily
birthed a child, again,
and another, tearing
a *** hole, bleeding
lifetimes, swallowing
salt with a mouth like wound. i
wish i never hurt i
an apple tree
blossomed
carrying entrails
like knowledge
i devour, an eater
fell in love
with  famine. arent i
just like   my mother?
a lady, sword  on her hand
scale ingrained on her heart
covers her eyes, but never
forgets to count. how many years
do i have left?
outlive me, or rather
i'll let you
have my youth.

ii. Balloons

*Helium head
Neck as string
Flying hopes..
Higher, highest
It pops..

You are a stomach
full of carbonara, stale
milk in the morning

Some nights she jumps like
A child, weak yet so cheerful--
She's too soft to break

Some nights she jumps like
Adult, angry and depressed--
Still too soft to break

She knows plenty of
Hows to use the skipping rope--
She is still so soft.

Is it the music
or your voice that hurts the sky?
[I beg you, don't cry.]

It is her left eye,
opens wider in cloudy
nights. [It will not rain.]

It is never you,
you aren't an idea
nor 2 a.m. thought.

i have never hated silence before
i need to talk
i need to hear humans talking
to me
i need to hear the soft, not so high voice
simple words, light and easily understood
talk to me, let me hear your voice
so i know i am not alone
and that i can
go through this-
i have never hated silence before
actually i loved it
i did

she does not do
kindness anymore
the back of her head
is made of atmosphere

her eyes cannot blink
she keeps staring
at her thumbs

her brain wants to get out
throat and mouth
and tongue is real
you can't see her

in black suits
she wears green for a reason
she does not do

kindness anymore
her legs
are gone
she lost it yesterday

in a pond
near her bed
she can't swim too far

her lungs
are made of flanel
and a stitch is enough

enough for them
to dive

she does not
do kindness anymore

her neck is a cage
and tongue
is real

Fear, fear, what do you fear?
Come near, come near
Tell us what you do fear

Little Eli wonders
If he should fear
What the fear fears

But he does not know yet
What the fear fears
The fear has not appeared

Little Eli wonders
If the fear did not hear
The fear would not come near!

Fear, fear, what do you fear?
Please hear, please hear
Let yourself appear*

Little Eli wonders
What the fear fears
So it won't even hear

i breathe. salt in my lungs, heavy
red in the back of my throat. my
mouth is an ocean, the river
flows from a mountain eye right
through a cracked lip. you bet
some used to grow in there
now it's just another grave
like a town full of ghosts
haunting each empty body
they can't ever have. how
frustrating. my mouth is
an ocean, the bottom lip is
its beach, where you have to
pay to play on, and. i told
you, it's not worth it

You float around my
Head like a fly attracted
To dead rotten things

A room white and bright.
We were so clear, we were just like a child.
Honesty wasn't a sin.
Society was *******.

A room clean and fresh.
Nothing like flowers, nothing like perfume.
All was pure.
Cries and laughs were genuine.

A room sincere and curious.
The voices did not bother us.
Ignorance did not matter, nothing did.
Only a life.

To the rain my heart falls
The clouds envelop
Tranquil breathless scene
Atmosphere diving
As darkness shines calmly
Shimmering reality ---

To the moon my eyes flee
Another escapist's window
Open wide as polluted sea

Rained eden, godless
Purified sins
O dear sarasvati --
All that flows
Music, river, soul --
To the depth my ears are released
Burst of peace
Haven's jingle

Sweet wrinkles
Traces of smile

Whispering sun
--- *Now,

feel.

The story behind me
is made of the pages of a torn book
of alphabets, the one your older
sister used to learn from;
A is for Apple
B is for Bee, or Butterfly,
C is for Cat
D is torn and gone
So is E
F is for Fire
G is for Grudge
H is for Hatred, especially towards self
I is for It becomes wrong,
J is for Jesus, oh and Just
K, for Kidding
L, M, N,
O, they are not here anymore
I am afraid the rests are gone too
P is for Pizza
Q is for Queen
R is for Resentment
S is for Sardonic
T is for T, a nickname of a ballet dancer,
U is for Umbrella
V is for Vanilla
W, X, Y? Why should they exist, when
Z is for Zoo, where I am caged?

Those who believe there's no beginning
Cannot end anything
What one of a kind

And her head, and her neck, and her tongue
All twisted
With manner

You know, the elders' tears
Taste like flowers
The elders' eyes
See like warm mirror

The reflection
Wild and vivid

The garden grows by
Themselves

1/
I gave you hours
Not enough to run through veins;
So slowly absorbed-

2/
Coffee before nap
Tasted like salt o dry throat-
It is you again-

3/
I'd gulped tenderly
The you, o, bitter-salty--
Heartfelt sleepless night

4/
The dawn is coming
I can't ever erase you
I can't ever do-

Smoky head,
I know you are in there,
Holding breath,
And dusty lungs,
I find myself choking,
Remnant crushed seeds,
Angelic jasmines,
Dried lake,
Emeralds and rubies,
A shot robin,
Melted gold in blood vessels,
Precious floats,
Molten stars your tears,
Teeth o moon's dreams,
Price less in fool eyes,
I once was blind and still,
Cannot feel.

So full of myself
I listen to Sylvia's voice as if it's mine;
Proud yet a bit embarrassed.
She wasn't my kind of shy.

My food delivered to the house
And a dispenser alone is enough because
I drink gallons of tea instead of *****-no-ice;

Because I
Would like to try
Different method to die.

three notes
suffocate me to death
white curtains and windows
the sound is coming in
wind blowing as if pigeon post
drive me nuts
there is nothing
between the lines

heart thumping like heavy machinery
over and over and over and over and ov

i'm just like a baby
and i put this (synthetic) leather jacket on
dreaming of fluffy blanket
i'm sick with a tooth
some days i pray with eyes open
my hands are neverending
i crave a body
and instant noodles
please hug me. warmth is not
all i ask

Death,
Don't die.
Let's have ice,
Or fire.
What's your,
Favorite flavor?
It could be,
Strawberry,
Or coffee.
But first,
Let's answer that,
Telephone call.
Or it could be,
Mango or,
Plain skin cells.
But first,
Don't forget to,
Lock,
The window and,
The that door.

I sit the way a
stomachache would; i sit the
way my mother taught.

everyone else is so done with 2016
but *******, it's only the 17th monday

and today's not the last day, i suppose
so would you come back, would you stay some other time?

you're the one who makes breathing bearable
and life possible to be content with

though it tastes sour on the tongue
each word i gulp back is sweet in the throat

so i try to hold a secret deep in the deepest forest
and soon enough you catch my eyes like wildfire

i had hoped today actually was not the last day
but if it's not, would it have been different?

every time i remember your voice, your gaze
it was apocalypse

The pink of the cotton
failed to hide
the tip of my baby breast

It would be a lie
if I repeat
what Sylvia said

I have never been so pure

O, the wall of my nostrils
reeks of *****
Face-washing
has never felt
so pure
The hot bath
***** no ice
Ouija board and
the lost breath
They all are
yours
To keep
my psyche
shut.

I have never been so pure.

Thirty and the
sun
are what I
secretly
desire. In
my dawn
I lose my mind.
In
my dawn
I come running
to the
runaway rain
but she
desires
another. The gulp of
her
revenge --- ice-cold
scorch
of the throat.
I sip you, my
love --
I sip you so
much I
be the clouds
where God
hides their
tip of
their baby
breast.

God has
never been so
pure.

We come running
to the
crack.
We come running
as
she keeps desiring
another.
My clear
mirror has
stopped
telling the
future I
did use to
know. O, cursed
bathroom
stall;
my mirror
falls
yet it won't
shatter.

I will never be so pure

I started writing poetries
But all I could read from it was
The sound of bones cracking
Another cry I always told myself not to be let out
The sound of eyeballs falling to a spring

I kept repeating your recorded voice
Breathing to it over, over, all over again
Couldn't smell your soul
Couldn't feel the warmth of your breath

I accidentaly broke my chest, ripped my heart,
Accidentally casted the darkness away
Couldn't find you
Couldn't see you

How was your voice again?
It was a dusty bluish green
A moss-covered 2 p.m. bright sky

Do you ever see our star?
It's called "sun"
The one that casts you away from your mind
But not mine

When it hurts i stop for a bit. two bits. or three until it's pretty okay, at least until the peristaltis calms down a little so i can continue stuffing my mouth with garbage. they say mouth is hungrier than stomach, but i don't even know when my stomach is empty or full or numb or is it just because she's no longer here? has she left my body without me knowing? is it why my chest keeps hurting instead of this round belly?

When it hurts i think that's when it's okay to cry. but everytime i cry it stops because nothing in this world is free anymore, everything has a price and i keep feeling confused for what i have to choose. if i got to choose you know what i would, even though i don't, even though it's so last year, you know, last year i finally determined my choice but deep down i was still confused, and now i am too afraid to go even once more to the depth. if i got to choose, first i'd like to choose an answer to do i really have rights over my own body?

No. no, i don't. for my entire life i've been choosing no as the answer. and pleasant surprise for you, that's what's keeping me alive.

My body sits there and I'll someday see it
clearly running out of darkness. It'll glow
though not blinding.

My body lies there and I'll someday have it
moving on its own. Balanced chemical
would never go wrong.

I'll dance in joy. I'll sing songs about spring.
Even though I know not a thing about
spring, I'll try. I know flowers and two
seasons. Aren't they enough?

If you are enough, so are they.

I tell my body to cut it off. My body in
cheesy arrogance, my body in self
righteousness, my body trying to fit in a
broken vase.

"I need water, I need water!" One cares not
about another. Does water need you?
Please stop being so possessive.

Let's ring like a siren
Higher octave than ever
We are going to fight the fire or
bringing the dead all over the town
It's just the same
Let's celebrate

We are going to
puncture some tympanic membranes
until all bleed and the sound
is merely just a slight touch
they can't ever recognize
So tell the young girl
not to sell earplugs today
Today is just not right
Today is an umbrella day
for there will be tears everywhere
of parents
of children
of strangers

What we won't tell
Today will be
a flood day
And those who can't swim
must know how to drown
Because merely floating
is an act of disgrace

So let's ring like a siren
So let's celebrate
For the burned and the dead
For the loss and the grief
For the unheard sounds and voices

Today will be
Our day

First my falling grades
Second the gravity
Now we can't even feel a space

Am I breathing underwater?
Did I come from a dark place?
We can't make them understand

Our love left undiagnosed
We're being stared at like a car crash
Far in the desert no one relates to

♢

Never end what makes you happen
Let it end you
Smooth and good and nutritious

♢

You are the plate and I am the food
I've always despised mouths, you know that
You would never ever let me go

I am heartbroken.
My breath is lagging it seems
I can't continue

I like to see your hand
as a bridge, above the rushing river,
crossing a waterfall.

I will not, i will not, i will not
Have these hands ever again
Feel the things against my skin
Touch you, touch myself
And the trees when you walk me home
Hungry cats we see and teachers' palms

I will not, i will not
Know a thing about hot and cold
When the cramps come, i have lost comfort
Sweaty palms and tide heart rate
Stomachache, ache and ache all the way
My chest dropped-
I dropped my chest like my phone

I will not
Tremble ever again

i will walk through your door and play it cool
i will tell you i'm hurting but you can't find where
i will cry, but words fail to explain

i swear i want to say something but shame prevents me

i will walk through your door, through mine
i will lock myself up so no one can touch me ever again
i will let shame smother me and it's alright because no one will see or hear

i want to be witnessed, at least they'll see how hard i try

i am dying here, all i let out is a cry for help
it's painful and i don't know what is wrong with me
i know something is broken within but sure it's beyond any fix

when you say i don't need you should've said you can't help me

say something but shame prevents
i want to say something but shame prevents me

With a broken voice i sing a broken song
With a broken soul i live a broken life

With a broken head
you tell me what to say, what to do

Even a broken mirror does reflect
(Gotta be closer)
(Gotta be closer)

The cold cracks, the blinds fly
Measuring the frame

And distance
(Do not matter)
(Do not matter)

Dear mother,

The food here *****. I starve myself one day just to binge another day. Nothing satisfies me anymore. And the noises are just too much. In my head they are enough already.

Dear mother,

Except for the food, I cannot admit that I miss home. I shan't go back there. The noises are just too much. In my head they are enough already.

Dear mother,

I want to move. I want to run away. I want to go. But I can't cut the bond. But, but please stop trying to call me. Stop trying to talk to me. Lately I haven't been able to talk. I haven't been able to see myself as a daughter, or anything. The noises are just too much. In my head they are enough already.

Dear mother,

You are the last whom I want to blame, the last whom I want to hurt. I promise. But the noises are just too much. In my head they are enough already.

when poetry does not heal
when your face is all watery
when poetry does not heal
when you can't even feel misery
your words have left and won't come back
replacements are always worse
drowsier oh and drowsier
today poetry does not heal
all it says is retire and oh retire
today poetry does not heal
tomorrow is such a big deal

my body is a hole
that is yet to be
carved
out
into your eyes i want to be ****** in
your palms and my sharp edges
can i make you bleed
can i make a mold for you
out of
my pain, my pain, my pain
i'm completely in
covered in flesh
come be my adipose
i'll empty you
out
skin be poked
from within
and giggles, bleak dimples
moon-eyed
the face is the outer space
dark. suffocating.
a graveyard of dead stars.
can we be bigger than what we are
can we suddenly stop to appear
hide
it's rampage
everywhere
i'm melting coming back frozen contaminated.
there's no fixing it

I wrote you letters
Only to burn it later
Then write hundreds more

Do you even know
that I still write about you?
Blue moon, cats, o you!