Loud background
And a louder setting
My heart thumps loudly
The sound I’m forgetting

It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
forever
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived

Not saying I don't like you.
Your skin, your hair, your eyes...
I'd just love to see your blood,
to taste your sweet demise.

I love your pretty teeth,
shiny, sharp, and red.
But oh they'd be so much sweeter,
tasting them while you were dead.

Darling, little Moon Beam...
shining so wonderfully 'Blue'.
Let me see your Bones.
Let me finally taste you.

I grab onto fire hydrants
Because they feel just like your heart
Completely untouched
Dusty and red

I stare up at the street lights
Because they look just like your eyes
Painfully blinding
Pale and vulnerable

I scream at the cars
Because they sound just like your words
Ridiculously loud
Rusty and metallic

I lick all the glass buildings
Because they taste just like your kiss
Chillingly artificial
Transparent and busy

I linger with the tradesman
Because they smell just like your tension
Deathly anxious
Uptight and stuffy

the noise never fades;
my poise takes the bait;
in the halls of liberation,
i submit to my fate.

i took a solemn vow:
to be ‘holier-than-thou’.
neither wrong, nor right,
i knew, until now.

i failed to see a cause;
the effect? - a terrible loss;
blinded by obsessions,
i never took a pause.

it’s been a while since the fall,
when i sprung to a brawl
with my virtues, unmasked -
and caved in to nightfall.

it all seems a blur;
it’s ‘bout time i concurred:
my reason to exist
shall always be a curse.

I don't want to die
I just need something to make me feel alive.

Reject me,
Defect me,
Depress me.

There still is no world,
Where I will be anyone but me,
And certainly not a copy of you.