There's a typhoon a monsoon
Of catastrophic misery, agony, and doom
The pain keeps raining down
In my sorrow I will surely drown
An ocean of emotion and I can't swim
My soul's light is growing dim
The sky just keeps bleeding
My tolerance it's exceeding
In this inky blackness I am sinking
My soul keeps on shrinking
From this psychalgia there is no exception
There is no redemption
In this anguish
Is where I'll languish
In this tribulation I will suffer
There is no hope I will ever recover
In this desolation I will moan and wail
This despair is my last coffin nail

There's a typhoon a monsoon
Of catastrophic misery, agony, and doom
The pain keeps raining down
In my sorrow I will surely drown
An ocean of emotion and I can't swim
My soul's light is growing dim
The sky just keeps bleeding
My tolerance it's exceeding
In this inky blackness I am sinking
My soul keeps on shrinking
From this psychalgia there is no exception
There is no redemption
In this anguish
Is where I'll languish
In this tribulation I will suffer
There is no hope I will ever recover
In this desolation I will moan and wail
This despair is my last coffin nail

I chased away my demons and my Angel died
Now all I can do is sit and cry
I didn't know he needed them to survive
I'm so very empty now neither ones inside
I'll welcome back my demons so my death they can ensue
My beautiful Angel is dead so there is nothing else to do

I chased away my demons and my Angel died
Now all I can do is sit and cry
I didn't know he needed them to survive
I'm so very empty now neither ones inside
I'll welcome back my demons  so my death they can ensue
My beautiful Angel is dead so there is nothing else to do

My heart is bleeding again
It will never mend
It will never heal
Into my sleep you steal
Giving dreams of you
How our friendship grew
Waking up to reality
Sorrow is a guarantee
I open my eyes
Sun doesn't sympathize
Winds don't care
Everywhere I look you're there
Life now so mundane
Heart bleeding once again

©Pauline Russell

I nearly forgot my broken part
Till you took a blowtorch and cauterized my heart
You devastated me, with your art

Don't think of yourself as smart
In love my brain from my heart  departs
I always put the horse behind the cart

In my deepest darkest night
I don't need words they're so contrite
I just need someone to brave this sight
Hold me so close and tight

The one who would,  seen his light
Grew his wings and took his flight
Flew so far, his out of sight
Left me all alone in the dark to fight

So I don't need your words, they only bite
Words can be so contrite
I need someone to hold me tight
While I wage my war and fight
But everyone is scared of the sight
Of a broken soul in the deepest darkest night

My Diamond

By this life I've been cut to pieces, they're all there on the floor
Thousands of jigsaw shaped pieces, I'm not easy to explore

Only one person could look and see what was really me
Now that he's past, what will I become to be

For I'm constantly walking in circles, getting lost in the dark
Instead of a loving hand, all there is, is a question mark

I feel myself slipping backwards, further down the hole
Slide past the diamonds formed by pressured coal

You promised to be my diamond the hardest of all rocks
But even diamonds crack, with the ticking of the clock

I'm so very lost now, even more than before
Because you'll never again walk through my door

Only you could look at the jigsaw, seeing the beautiful picture it was supposed to be
Only you ever had the love to see, all that made me......me

©Pauline Russell

I live with many diseases, my life is not simple
I don't know which is worse the physical or the mental
It depends on the day
As to what I will say
And on very bad day's it is both
Those day's I loathe
I stay in my bed
And pull the covers over my head
And wish that I was dead
That being said
I just trudge along
Wishing I was strong
Strong enough to at lest kick one diseases ***
Strong enough that I don't relive the past
But that is impossible when the past visits you
He comes by every year or two
And if your wondering how I am today
Well ....in my bed I stayed

My emotions
Are like the waves of the ocean
Forever turning
Forever burning
Sometimes I'm riding high
Sometimes I can almost touch the sky
Sometimes they drag me to the depths
Sometimes I just can't catch my breath
I tumble to and fro
Just like the frothy foam
That washes upon the shore
It's all a deafening roar
Some days I do my best to swim
Even with the circling sharks fins
But today is a day i think I'll sink
I'm way beneath the brink
I'm to exhausted, I think I'm done
Tired of living under the gun

You are my friend my only solace
In cruel cold world that's left me calloused
But something new has gotten ahold on you
And you've left me alone here cold and blue
Don't get me wrong, I know you still care
But your not available, your days you no longer share
And I miss you so much right down to my toes
This over welming solitude just grows and grows
But I know my place, I'll stand on the side
I'll let you chase love, I won't break your stride
I'll be over joyed when things finally go your way
And you're happy again like back in the day
Cuz it's been a long time since you where happy like that
There is no way I'll pout in a corner and act like a brat
But I know I'll be just fine
I know it's time
I've seen the sign
Cuz I love you enough to let you go
And all of your love, to her you can show
And if we never see, or talk again
I'll alway think of you, my friend, with a grin

I want to tell you of a great friend of mine
We use to be togeather all the time
We were soul connected hard to define
And something even harder to find
We both battled depression in it was one of the ties that bind

One day I told him I just couldn't go on
He told me I'll be your diamond you can lean upon
Because he knew rocks cracked so he would be the strongest that he could
And the love we shared we both understood

He called me up one afternoon and said, this might be the day
I replied hold on I'm already on my way
We just sit there in silence in his darkened room
He said you can't fix me, in his voice I heard that doom
I said I know that dear
That's not why I am hear
I'm here to sit beside you
Till this patch of darkness you get through

A bullet he would of took for me and I for him
We loved each other to the brim
Friends forever him and I would always be
For there was no other friendship like ours through out the centuries

One day he could hold on no longer in the darkness and the pain
He never called me, he just stood in front of that **** train

He left a note just for me, I'm sorry *** your diamond finally cracked
And there's no turning back
But please forgive me and promise me to be strong
And instead of dying for me you must live on

So I silently promised him I'd do the best I could
Because I knew what he ment he had to go, I truly understood
I didn't know how I'd ever live without him but every  day I'd try
And at least once a day I still break down and cry

It's been a few years now but I'll never get over the loss of my soul connected friend
But I count my self lucky I still get a glips of him in his son's face when he gets that crooked grin

I want to tell you of a great friend of mine
We use to be togeather all the time
We were soul connected hard to define
And something even harder to find
We both battled depression in it was one of the ties that bind

One day I told him I just couldn't go on
He told me I'll be your diamond you can lean upon
Because he knew rocks cracked so he would be the strongest that he could
And the love we shared we both understood

He called me up one afternoon and said, this might be the day
I replied hold on I'm already on my way
We just sit there in silence in his darkened room
He said you can't fix me, in his voice I heard that doom
I said I know that dear
That's not why I am hear
I'm here to sit beside you
Till this patch of darkness you get through

A bullet he would of took for me and I for him
We loved each other to the brim
Friends forever him and I would always be
For there was no other friendship like ours through out the centuries

One day he could hold on no longer in the darkness and the pain
He never called me, he just stood in front of that **** train

He left a note just for me, I'm sorry *** your diamond finally cracked
And there's no turning back
But please forgive me and promise me to be strong
And instead of dying for me you must live on

So I silently promised him I'd do the best I could
Because I knew what he ment he had to go, I truly understood
I didn't know how I'd ever live without him but every day I'd try
And at least once a day I still break down and cry

It's been a few years now but I'll never get over the loss of my soul connected friend
But I count my self lucky I still get a glips of him in his son's face when he gets that crooked grin

I want to tell you of a great friend of mine
We use to be togeather all the time
We were soul connected hard to define
And something even harder to find
We both battled depression in it was one of the ties that bind

One day I told him I just couldn't go on
He told me I'll be your diamond you can lean upon
Because he knew rocks cracked so he would be the strongest that he could
And the love we shared we both understood

He called me up one afternoon and said, this might be the day
I replied hold on I'm already on my way
We just sit there in silence in his darkened room
He said you can't fix me, in his voice I heard that doom
I said I know that dear
That's not why I am here
I'm here to sit beside you
Till this patch of darkness you get through

A bullet he would of took for me and I for him
We loved each other to the brim
Friends forever him and I would always be
For there was no other friendship like ours through out the centuries

One day he could hold on no longer in the darkness and the pain
He never called me, he just stood in front of that **** train

He left a note just for me, I'm sorry *** your diamond finally cracked
And there's no turning back
But please forgive me and promise me to be strong
And instead of dying for me you must live on

So I silently promised him I'd do the best I could
Because I knew what he ment he had to go, I truly understood
I didn't know how I'd ever live without him but every day I'd try
And at least once a day I still break down and cry

It's been a few years now but I'll never get over the loss of my soul connected friend
But I count my self lucky I still get a glips of him in his son's face when he gets that crooked grin

I'm feeling today that something is wrong
Bells are going off, it sounded an alarm
Talked to my friends, they're inside of my head
Here's what they told me, this is what's said

"what's left of your brain this is what we find"
"your thoughts where unique, they where one of a kind"
"But years of abuse"
"Has shook everything loose"

But something not right
No longer needing to fight
Feeling so free
How could this be

"Well, with that gun in your hand"
"You where off to a different land"
"we, your friends all agree"
"with that single shot you set us all free"
"You'll no longer be afraid"
"With your death, you where saved"

No more body, means no more deep scars
I can finally reach out and touch the stars
This realization was stunning indeed  
A wonderful feeling of final being freed

I want to tell you of a great friend of mine
We use to be togeather all the time
We were soul connected hard to define
And something even harder to find
We both battled depression in it was one of the ties that bind

One day I told him I just couldn't go on
He told me I'll be your diamond you can lean upon
Because he knew rocks cracked so he would be the strongest that he could
And the love we shared we both understood

He called me up one afternoon and said, this might be the day
I replied hold on I'm already on my way
We just sit there in silence in his darkened room
He said you can't fix me, in his voice I heard that doom
I said I know that dear
That's not why I am hear
I'm here to sit beside you
Till this patch of darkness you get through

A bullet he would of took for me and I for him
We loved each other to the brim
Friends forever him and I would always be
For there was no other friendship like ours through out the centuries

One day he could hold on no longer in the darkness and the pain
He never called me, he just stood in front of that **** train

He left a note just for me, I'm sorry *** your diamond finally cracked
And there's no turning back
But please forgive me and promise me to be strong
And instead of dying for me you must live on

So I silently promised him I'd do the best I could
Because I knew what he ment he had to go, I truly understood
I didn't know how I'd ever live without him but every day I'd try
And at least once a day I still break down and cry

It's been a few years now but I'll never get over the loss of my soul connected friend
But I count my self lucky I still get a glips of him in his son's face when he gets that crooked grin

On the other side of my bed is a galaxy
This is sadly my stark realty
No shining star, such a sad travesty
No colors in the dark exploding brilliantly

I'm waiting on the planets to align
To bring me someone that's divine
Someone that's true and kind
To save me from this darkened state
That knows my scars and can change my fate

The one I found that's sweet and kind
And really speaks of words divine
Is to far away to touch, and hold
So there is still this darkened hole
This galaxy that's void and cold

Maybe one day he will transverse
Space and time and enter in my universe
To reach across the atmosphere
And find him laying next to me here
He'll chase away all my fears

But for now I float in this cold dark space
And dream about that handsome face
And his arm I long to be engulfed in
Oh to be his lover, his friend
I want to hold him before my sorry life ends

On the other side of my bed is a galaxy
This is sadly my stark realty
No shining star, such a sad travesty
No colors in the dark exploding brilliantly

I'm waiting on the planets to align
To bring me someone that's divine
Someone that's true and kind
To save me from this darkened state
That knows my scars and can change my fate

The one I found that's sweet and kind
And really speaks of words divine
Is to far away to touch, and hold
So there is still this darkened hole
This galaxy that's void and cold

Maybe one day he will transverse
Space and time and enter in my universe
To reach across the atmosphere
And find him laying next to me here
He'll chase away all my fears

But for now I float in this cold dark space
And dream about that handsome face
And his arm I long to be engulfed in
Oh to be his lover, his friend
I want to hold him before my sorry life comes to an end

It's Sunday morning
I'm in mourning
My "give a ****" died last night
Amongst your words "you're just a blight"
You said it, not in anger
But with the disconnect of a stranger

.........SO.........

I no longer give a ****
Killed with your hit
I'll just lay
I'll just decay
I no longer give a ****
I'll never again throw a fit
Pushed to far
Drowning in tar
I no longer give a ****
My heart you just ripped
Casted aside
Feelings died
I no longer give a ****
Your love was counterfeit

You sat across from me with such happiness
I try to mimic your gladness
At this moment I'm so jealous
So wishing I wasn't callous

For I can't have your joyful feeling
Wounds constantly ripped open never healing
I try to match your smile as a tear forms in my eye
I divert my gaze I don't want you to see me cry
It's not fair to you
To always see my darkened hue

No one can stand my sadness
When they start to taste the madness
They all must go away, or the darkness settles in
Then I lose them to my greatest sin

©Pauline Russell

An angel landed by my side
He spread his wings open wide
"Come here my child I'll let you hide"

"Come here I will protect
From all that would effect
I will not let any of that affect"

"You've been beaten, you've been bruised
You've been mislead, you've been used
Your past is misconstrued"

"I am your guardian angel, I am your sword
For you have been given to me, I am your ward
Sent to save you from the hoards"

"Of demons ment to do you in
They've toyed with you with their every whim
You have no need to suffer anymore within you skin"

I guess he thought I would run to him
But my anger towards this Angel was filled to the brim
He took to long to save me, now I'm standing on the rim

"Where was you, my sword wielding Angel for all those years
I was left to perish among my agony and fears
You showing up now, just grinds my gears"

I guess he was expecting me to be nice
I guess he didn't see my knife
Or he would of taken fight
I furiously cut he's wings off
Then I stood there and scoffed
"Now you will see
How it is to be
Stuck just like me"
The look on his face was priceless
I had taken away he's devices
Of soaring above the muck and the mire
Now in this demon ravaged land, with me he could expire

An angel landed by my side
He spread his wings open wide
"Come here my child I'll let you hide"

"Come here I will protect
From all that would effect
I will not let any of that affect"

"You've been beaten, you've been bruised
You've been mislead, you've been used
Your past is misconstrued"

"I am your guardian angel, I am your sword
For you have been given to me, I am your ward
Sent to save you from the hoards"

"Of demons ment to do you in
They've toyed with you with their every whim
You have no need to suffer anymore within you skin"

I guess he thought I would run to him
But my anger towards this Angel was filled to the brim
He took to long to save me, now I'm standing on the rim

"Where was you, my sword wielding Angel for all those years
I was left to perish among my agony and fears
You showing up now, just grinds my gears"

I guess he was expecting me to be nice
I guess he didn't see my knife
Or he would of taken flight
I furiously cut he's wings off
Then I stood there and scoffed
"Now you will see
How it is to be
Stuck just like me"
The look on his face was priceless
I had taken away he's devices
Of soaring above the muck and the mire
Now in this demon ravaged land, with me he could expire

An angel landed by my side
He spread his wings open wide
"Come here my child I'll let you hide"

"Come here I will protect
From all that would effect
I will not let any of that affect"

"You've been beaten, you've been bruised
You've been mislead, you've been used
Your past is misconstrued"

"I am your guardian angel, I am your sword
For you have been given to me, I am your ward
Sent to save you from the hoards"

"Of demons ment to do you in
They've toyed with you with their every whim
You have no need to suffer anymore within you skin"

I guess he thought I would run to him
But my anger towards this Angel was filled to the brim
He took to long to save me, now I'm standing on the rim

"Where was you, my sword wielding Angel for all those years
I was left to perish among my agony and fears
You showing up now, just grinds my gears"

I guess he was expecting me to be nice
I guess he didn't see my knife
Or he would of taken fight
I furiously cut he's wings off
Then I stood there and scoffed
"Now you will see
How it is to be
Stuck just like me"
The look on his face was priceless
I had taken away he's devices
Of soaring above the muck and the mire
Now in this demon ravaged land, with me he could expire

Halloween will soon begain
People will be wearing fake masks with grins
But I'll be walking around in my own skin
For I know what resides within

When the Halloween weekend finally resounds
I'll let him out to roam around
To scare everyone in this town
Even the corpses under ground

My beast doesn't need the moon to come out
A little liquor lets him walk about
Just so you have no doubt
He feeds off every scream, every shout

He'll make the children never sleep
Make grown men cry and weep
He will sow and he will reap
After all to him your sheep

Let me lie my head upon your chest
Allow me to take a little rest
Wrap your arms around me tight
I'm weak and weary from the fight

In your arms
Finding the charms
Voices are calm
No sounding alarms

For just a moment, the world slips away
I found Heaven on this day
The soothing sound of your heart beat
Warmth and security, it's such a treat

Worries all gone
No clanging gong
With nothing wrong
Only the heartbeats song

In brief seconds, you let me believe
There's more to this world than what I see
The moment slides by way to fast
Your light is fading, shadows are cast

Time to go
I sink below
Seeds you sow
Demons still show

Can't wait till your in my presence  tomorrow
You chase away all demons and sorrow
The rest of my life I will remember your smile
Wonder if you'll know, you was my hero all the while

©Pauline Russell

I hope all is well in your world
That nothing has come unfurled
I hope the sun is shining bright
That nothing clouds your sight
I hope your heart is full and warm
That nothing has transformed
I hope your days are full of joy
That nothing was destroyed
I hope family and friends surrounds you
That nothing leaves you blue

I wish for you a beautiful life
That nothing gives you strife
I wish for you wonderful days
That nothing is set ablaze
I wish for you dreams come true
That nothing has a darkened hue

Mostly I hope and wish for you a smile
To carry with you for awhile

Why is life such a a meanie such a bully
There's no controlling it, it's so unruly
Some times it only gives me a ******, other times it knocks me to my knees
It just does what it please
But lately it's been knocking me out
What the **** is that all about
Life sure does need to stop this plight
That it has against my right
To be happy now and then
So I can at lest offer the world a grin
But I still have a furrowed brow
I wear the same old scowl
Because my life is such a bully
It's become so ******* unruly

Why is life such a a meanie such a bully
There's no controlling it, it's so unruly
Some times it only gives me a ******, other times it knocks me to my knees
It just does what it please
But lately it's been knocking me out
What the **** is that all about
Life sure does need to stop this plight
That it has against my right
To be happy now and then
So I can at lest offer the world a grin
But I still have a furrowed brow
I wear the same old scowl
Because my life is such a bully
It's become so ******* unruly

Little boy blue, for you I blow the horn
I wish you was just lost amongst the corn
But the monster came and snatched your hand
Lead you off to an angry foreign land
I can see you, but can't touch your frozen heart
You was such a loving child at the start
But my little boy has grown into an angry man
Now in this empty field I stand
A trillion tears I've cried for you
Of the loss of my little boy blue
Who's eye's use to look up to me with love
You are my only son sent from above
But now you've gone into the void
Your innocence and ability to love destroyed

Little boy blue, for you I blow the horn
I wish you was just lost amongst the corn
But the monster came and snatched your hand
Lead you off to an angry foreign land
I can see you, but can't touch your frozen heart
You was such a loving child at the start
But my little boy has grown into an angry man
Now in this empty field I stand
A trillion tears I've cried for you
Of the loss of my little boy blue
Who's eye's use to look up to me with love
You are my only son sent from above
But now you've gone into the void
Your innocence and ability to love destroyed

Little boy blue, for you I blow the horn
I wish you was just lost amongst the corn
But the monster came and snatched your hand
Lead you off to an angry foreign land
I can see you, but can't touch your frozen heart
You was such a loving child at the start
But my little boy has grown into an angry man
Now in this empty field I stand
A trillion tears I've cried for you
Of the loss of my little boy blue
Who's eye's use to look up to me with love
You are my only son sent from above
But now you've gone into the void
Your innocence and ability to love destroyed

If i was you I wouldn't pull that thread
Things will surly unravel in your unstable head
Your world will crush, your heart will turn blue
Keep my love close, don't push me  from you
I'm your glue, I'm your tourniquet
I'll stop the bleed, with kisses so delicate
On your forehead I'll place them gently, to cool your soul and start a fire
You can only quench when me, you acquire
I'll hold you close when you start to float away
Wrap you up in my body night and day
I will show my love with more than just word's and phrases
Forever I will be your light as I set my soul on fire, for you it blazes

You call me at night and we sit and we talk
We dream of our wedding day, and the aisle I'll walk

All I can think of is you
My thoughts you consume

Waiting for you to be here in April
You'll move any mountain, I know you are able

I dream of you holding me tight
We'll have so much fun each and every night

Full body hold
Not letting go

Under the covers
Two bodies double

Softly becoming one
Our embrace will last long after the morning sun

I wake up from dreaming of you
My nightmare life ensues

Waiting for my life to begin, when you take my hand
For you are my life, my love, my man

I hide my pain so none can see
The monster dwelling inside of me
I call him rage, I call him pain
He's there to keep me sane

He keeps the evil people away
His blood lust you will not sway
He never has anything nice to say
He's been there since way back in the day

He was born one dark night
When I could no longer fight
And he's been with me ever since
He really, truly is my dark prince

So don't hurt me or try to make new scars
Or I'll turn him lose, and he'll make you see stars
I keep him chained with shackles
For with him resides great hackles
He loves to break bones and make them crackle

So if you come into my life
And your there just to cause strife
Lie, break my heart, or my body use
I'll turn him lose and you'll see true abuse
And when he's done, over your body I'll stand
He always does what I command
So don't try to hurt me or you'll find out firsthand

There is the monster coming out of me
He's the only one that keeps me from the bleed
I'll let him rule my heart again
Keeps me far from everyone's sin
Harden what little heart I have left
Because all I did was wept
I'll never let love in
No never again
Sweet oblivion
Never to be forgiven
Heart in a blender
Life torn asunder
Let the moster out
Turn it all about
Never to let any one close
This is what I've chose
It's only way my life goes
Other wise agony just grows
My life has changed
My feelings are deranged
My soul mate is estranged
It's all been rearranged
So I let the monster roam
Only he can bring me home
I'm back in the dark
It's only right I'm marked
The broken only get thrown away
So in the trash I'll stay
I will turn invisible
Because I am just to miserable
I'll let the moster be
He's the only one that truly sees
He will keep me safe
Keep me from the painful place
The moster keeps everyone at bay
So I can robotically go through my day
My moster kills the feelings
My monster will do my dealings
My monster moves my limbs
My monster now lives in my skin

Have you forgotten how this works
We get off in one big ****

You can not put me off for later
By then I will have become a fable

You must write when I command
On this fact I squarely stand

Even when sleep tries to steal you away
In your brain I still romp and play

I will make your tired body get up and write
For your brain is not that tight

The words will leak right out
You know that fact without a doubt

I know how important I am to you
So what I say, you will do

You will always do as I choose
For you can't live with out your muse

Here you are, my oldest friend
I knew we would meet again
I realy wish you would of stayed away
But again I just seemed to cave
The stress was all to much
And on me you decided to munch
You didn't just walk through my door
You ******* knocked me to the floor
You made sure I did get up
With grief and sorrow you filled up my cup
So I'll just lay here and slowly languish
In all of my gut wrenching anguish

I thought you were a friend of mine
I thought you was a treasured find

Only when it came to fruition
Did I see the true situation

I was no more than a pawn
You just played me all along

I opened my home and heart to you
On my friendship you just chew

As you spitting out words of friendship and love
While holding that anvil out of sight, high above

Now I'm flattened once again
Loving people my greatest sin

This time I refuse to mend
This time I snapped, I didn't bend

For evil is what I receive from men
This time I refuse to have another friend

©Pauline Russell

The rhythm of my poems is my broken heart beat
To express my agony is what I seek
No formal training have I had
It all comes out the good and the bad

The ink is my blood, I let it soak my page
Sometimes it comes out as rage
Sometimes it's just sad, and tugs at the heart
But every single poem, of me is a part

Sometimes the ink runs that is my tears
I tell my story, I let you look at my fears
Sometimes my inks sticky that is my blood
Sometimes my poems are like a flood
Sometimes the inks salty that is my sweat
My poems some will not get

Sometimes my poems scare
But I don't care
My poems my heart and my life
It's always been full of strife

I'm not one to tell you everything will be fine
And in doing so I'm being kind
You read enough of my writings
You'll see that I'm fighting

One day at a time, I write it all down
In my poems my life is found
It's all on the page
My agony, my fear, and my rage
If my poems make you feel something
Then it was worth the suffering

The rhythm of my poems is my broken heart beat
To express my agony is what I seek
No formal training have I had
It all comes out the good and the bad

The ink is my blood, I let it soak my page
Sometimes it comes out as rage
Sometimes it's just sad, and tugs at the heart
But every single poem, of me is a part

Sometimes the ink runs that is my tears
I tell my story, I let you look at my fears
Sometimes my inks sticky that is my blood
Sometimes my poems are like a flood
Sometimes the inks salty that is my sweat
My poems some will not get

Sometimes my poems scare
But I don't care
My poems my heart and my life
It's always been full of strife

I'm not one to tell you everything will be fine
And in doing so I'm being kind
You read enough of my writings
You'll see that I'm fighting

One day at a time, I write it all down
In my poems my life is found
It's all on the page
My agony, my fear, and my rage
If my poems make you feel something
Then it was worth all the suffering

I pick up my razor, I put it back down
Like a tethered race horse, I'm pacing around
My pain is overwhelming
It just keeps swelling
I could slice it away
That's the direction I sway
Thin little lines all in a row
Just to let all the pain go
I need the sweet release
It'll come with such ease
I'm ready for the blow
The warm liquid flow
Please forgive me
Please don't look, don't see
I was to weak
The blade I seek

The rose has fainted,fell to the dirt
Sorrow lingers like a scent
In it's petals you can see the hurt
Such an agonizing event
I watched its' fall
I seen its decent
All I do now is cry and bawl
My love was not enough to circumvent
I couldn't stop the bleed
As it faded red to gray
It happened with such speed
Emotions bundled up in disarray
Now it's gone, turned to dust
But its' memories remain
In my heart the agony is ******
Not even eternity can ease the pain
My rose is gone
My lifes' sand now a desert
In this garden I know longer belong
For all there is left is grief and dirt

©Pauline Russell

In my search for happiness, I turned toward God
I thought he would leave me awed
But being so flawed
All I felt was his lighting rod
He told me those demons where mine
Deal with them myself, He hadn't the time

In my search for happiness I put my heart on the line
But I did it online so I thought it would be fine.
I thought with miles between us I couldn't get hurt
I couldn't get burnt
But I forgot the heart has no eyes
That in matters of love the brain is not wise
I gave my heart, he made me fall
For he was not real after all

In my search for happiness, I turned to drugs
In it's embrace I felt its hugs
They gave me warmth, they gave me peace
When I was down, for them I reached
But they are a great deceiver
Only mocking their receiver
Finally seeing they only betrayed
Making my world more decayed

In my search for happiness, I finally quit
It was not easy, I'll have to admit
I gave the universe full control
With life's punches I'll continue to roll
From my hole I'll still look up to the sky
Untill the day I die and I'm free to fly

In my search for happiness, I turned toward God
I thought he would leave me awed
But being so flawed
All I felt was his lighting rod
He told me those demons where mine
Deal with them myself, He hadn't the time

In my search for happiness I put my heart on the line
But I did it online so I thought it would be fine.
I thought with miles between us I couldn't get hurt
I couldn't get burnt
But I forgot the heart has no eyes
That in matters of love the brain is not wise
I gave my heart, he made me fall
For he was not real after all

In my search for happiness, I turned to drugs
In it's embrace I felt its hugs
They gave me warmth, they gave me peace
When I was down, for them I reached
But they are a great deceiver
Only mocking their receiver
Finally seeing they only betrayed Making my world more decayed

In my search for happiness, I finally quit
It was not easy, I'll have to admit
I gave the universe full control
With life's punches I'll continue to roll
From my hole I'll still look up to the sky
Untill the day I die and I'm free to fly

The count down has begun, imploding inside
Memories run rampant, bump into, collide
Explosions hidden just behind the eyes
Self destruction lies just under skin and a grin, a worn-out guise

Most never caring, never looking any deeper, tell them your fine
On the outside making it all perfect, every thing looks aligned
Self destruction, grief, and sorrow combine
With tremendous anguish and pain I've been assigned

Desperately reaching for a caring hand to guide
Want of love and hugs are implied
But my cries are ignored and denied Anger shows it's hand, as I shove everything to the side

Why is it on my heart this torment that lingers, forever to stay
All the while these rapidly changing emotions I'm trying to slay
Pushing everyone and everything away
Loneliness settles in for the long harrowing stay

Only love will make the sorrow depart
Every fiber of my being pleads for that fresh start
It will only take one caring heart
To picking up pieces as I fall apart

©Pauline Russell

Inside my shell
All is well
Inside my shell
There is no hell
Inside my shell
My voices no longer yell
Inside my shell
Is safely where I dwell

But my shell cracked
It's all turned black
My shell is cracked
I'm flat on my back
My shell is cracked
I'm under attack
My shell is cracked
My knife it flashed
My shell is cracked
My blood just splashed
MY shell is cracked
My death is a fact

Walking in the rain of desperation
Drowning in the flood of my situation
Mired in this place by the muddy suction
Shackled in chains to my destruction

Think I'm gonna start over again
Grow myself some new skin
I'm tired of this one
It can't stand the sun

So I'm gonna sit in the rain, wash it all away
Just waiting for my someday

I'll try to wear a grin
As I'm shedding off this skin
But I fear it's my only sheath
I wonder if something's underneath
I hope that once I peel away this skin
I won't become invisible again

No kind of drug can help me escape this brutality
That is now my horrifying reality
There is no place I can hide or run
When life becomes the nightmare I want to wake from
My whole world has crumbled
Now desperately lost within the rubble

So thankful we always took the time to say "I love you"
Because before that branded day was through
The winds of change..... They blew

I found you, but you where already gone
Now I must learn how to say so long
You sprouted your wings and flew away
You left me here all alone to stay

I'm still in this earthly hell
This sorrowful anguish I can not quell
For how will I NOW ever vanquish the sorrow
For you are no longer in my tomorrows
How will I ever disburse the pain
That swells up my brain
For you took with you my love, my heart
Without those how do I even start

These tears that gush down my face are not for you dear friend
Nor are the wails of anguish that to the skys I send
For I know you are in a better place
I know your in a better space
Be it with your loved ones,  or in the veils darkness kept
It is for me these tears are wept

You took not only my reason to sing, ***, you where my song
Without you, how am I gonna stay strong
When everyday is at lest a week long
When I need you, there will be no loving arms
My life is now my nightmare, it's so ******* WRONG

When it's my time to go
My spirt from my body will flow
It's off to the crematorium, I know

Don't hold on, just let me go
My ashes just let them flow
I'm no longer here, this you know

©Pauline Russell