Why eat
When it will just rot
Inside of me
Feed the maggots already feeding
On all of the rotten feelings

I want to break my hand
That already may be broke
So maybe just break it further
Break it until all thats left
Is an appendage hanging limp
Is that a hand?
I can't tell
My brain demands

I want to
Claw
Beg
Scream
Bite
Drag you back here
Into this dark place
With me
So that you can brighten it
Back up
Being me back into reality
But I fear I'd steal all the light
You have to give
And leave you
In darkness

I want to lay in the grass
In the middle of a forest
And never move
While I slowly
Rot
Decay
And become soil
For the earth
Until I'm nothing
But a pile of bones
And then maybe I could get up again
Start up my life again
Without all of these feelings
O
  N
    A
      N
         D
            I
        N
     S
   I
D
E
O
  F
My body

I want to paint my room red
With every feeling
That wishes to spill out of me
Let them free
Let them seep
Into everything around me
I want to paint my room red
With this metaphoricality

Your gaze
Your praise
Your effection
Your inflection

It all screams
Home
Home
Home

But the home is only
Occupied by one
Lease only signed by one
And no other

You're the home
But you don't exist
On the property

You don't exist
Not properly

I love this home
With no foundation
No rooms
No place to occupy
But the ghost of a building
That once was

Home
Thats what it feels like
When I hold you close to me
And take your scent into my being

Home
Thats what it feels like
When you wrap your arms
Ever so gently around me

Home
Thats what it feels like
When you kiss me
Until I lose my breath

Home
Thats what it feels like
When you comfort me
And stroke my hair softly
While you whisper special words
Or silently do so
With no unspoken word unheard

Home
Thats what it feels like
When I lived with you
When I'm with you
When I talk to you
When I hear you

Home
Is what it feels like
With everything to do
With
YOU

My arms burn in anticipation
My mind breaks under antagonization
My body falters under pre determination
Not again
Here again
Don't relapse
But I'm already bleeding again

I collapse under my own mind
Body binded under the weight
Drowning
Binded under this lake
Feeling unsafe

Home?
House

Safe?
No

Collapsing
Relapsing
Broken
And bleeding
Staining every thought
Every feeling
Turning them red
Laying them down
Dead

Last night
No not right
That night

Behaviour that reminded me
Of the monster that occupies my brain
Every single night
And the one that occupies a room
In a house I'm trapped in

Feelings
Fleeting
Faltering
Hiding

Scared and cowering
In a corner away from you
Behaviour replayed
And driving me slowly insane

Hiding it all
Blinding you to the fall
Feelings only because of him
Things you need to change
But not that night at all

A slow retrieval
Back to thinking
Maybe safe
Maybe okay

Feelings a little closer
To you again
Okay to touch you
Body and soul
Just a little
Just a small nibble
Small taste of you  
To put back into me

But then another

Last night
No not right
That night

Behaviour that reminded me
Of the monster that occupies my brain
Every single night
And the one that occupies a room
In a house I'm trapped in

Feelings
Fleeting
Faltering
Hiding

Scared and cowering
In a corner away from you
Behaviour replayed
And driving me slowly insane

You see the fall
You witness the crash
I tell you to leave
And not come back

Cowering scared cat
My mind and my soul
Turned into a scared animal

Feelings kept at bay
Cannot allow them out
To put me in another situation
That will betray everything
That I've done to not allow people in
Who aren't good for me

Even when the scared animal
Doesn't want to run away
Instead wants to curl up
And stay