My drawers don't shut completely. My socks are everywhere. I am wearing jeans that are too blue. I have been staying up late at night just to think more. The gym is just a few feet too far to push myself to. I'm surprised these jeans still fit. My lips are chapped from the winter which makes no sense considering I live in California. There is a rash on my chest that won't go away. I haven't written a decent poem in weeks. Most of them just turn into ramblings and lists of all of things I should be but am not. There are a lot of things I want to be but am not. I get along just fine for the most part. I get by for the majority of the time. I think I’m doing alright. I'm a mess to say the least.

You say you want romance
That you want it all painted out

You tell me you crave
Something beautiful
Vivid enough
For you to be able to stare
At it all day
And never lose interest

Well I'm not much of an artist
But I think I could be for you

I could draw in the features
Fill in the details
And color by number
Every single part of the picture
It might take me a while
But I've got time

My hands are unsteady
So forgive me if some lines
Are a bit uneven
I cannot promise you perfection
But I can try my best

I would take the steps to learn
How to capture passion
On a simple piece of paper
I would train myself in the talent
So that one day I could create
With a level of skill
Superior to others

See I am not much of an artist
But for you I would be
So I could paint the romance
That you want so badly

I am not much of an artist
But for you I would be
So I could paint you that image,
The one you've always wanted
And put both of us in it.

Here I am again
Picking up the shattered remains
Of my already falling apart heart
Accidentally slicing a cut on my wrist
With one of the tiny little shards
The pain, such sweet heavenly bliss

It's not that I miss you, cause you were never really mine
It's not that I regret loving you, I'd repeat it every time
But my pain has caused you misery that I'm not sure I fully understand
And the guilt lays think upon you, much more than I ever had planned

It's that I had this single drop of hope,
That my wish to have you
Might actually one day come true
But no, just another impossibility
That I'd find love and truly be happy

It ***** my childish ways and innocence were ripped away at such a young age
The one thing you want more than anything, was the one thing they had to take
And I know it sounds silly, but I hate them more now cause I blame them that I can't have you
My nightmares will come when I finally sleep, unfortunately, waking up is a nightmare too

I guess it's time to change my ways, although I've said this time and time again
This chemistry, that I thought was different, better, was just all imagined in my head
A change of heart, a change of soul, a change of my mind and a lack of passion
So many things I can't change, makes it my fault then. Wouldn't it be easier if I were dead?

I don't want you to see the beauty in me
I want you to see beauty

You cannot love
Two people at once
Even if they are on opposite sides
Of the country
Even if one is on the west coast
And the other is on the east
It still isn't possible
Eventually you will mix feelings like liquor
Forgetting how many shots of promise you've offered to each
How many times you've poured their glasses half empty
It is reckless behavior
That never ends well
Only in sickness and a headache in the morning

You cannot care
For two souls equally
It is not fair
To separate passion in half
When it is only meant to be given as a whole
And one will surely sense the uneven in the balance
Like a sinking boat with a crack in the base
Water flows to a side and leaves the other drowned
Gasping for air
For some sense of meaning
The sea is too dangerous to dive directly in
And it's impossible to be everybody's saviour
So don't promise rescue
To both
When you only have one flotation device

You cannot hold
Two hearts together
At the same time
Your hands are not big enough
They are too clumsy to balance the weight of disappointment
And theirs will be heavy when your shaking fingers release them
Dropping everything you've attempted to fit inside
Disaster will takeover
A hurricane of hurt will rush in
Leaving you empty and barren
With open palms
You will regret not holding on to one thing tightly
Instead you chose to grab on to two
And ended up with neither
That's what you get
For choosing quantity over quality
For stuffing your arms with more than you could carry
You get nothing
In return for greed.

Do not adore her because she will never believe you when you look into her eyes and say that she is beautiful.

Do not crave her because she will never trust you when you say that you feel forever in her touch.

Do not cherish her because the time you get to spend with her will never be enough.

But most of all, do not love her because she will never love you half as much as she hates herself.

I find it amazing.

I find it amazing how you can fall for someone.
How you allow, to some extent, someone to be part of you.

The more time you spend together never adds up to enough.
You catch yourself thinking about them, even when you’re not
Start to find yourself using their phrases like they’re your own.
You notice the way their eyes squint and their forehead wrinkles when they laugh really hard with you.

Their hands seem to be made perfectly for yours, the contours compliment one another to a perfect fit.
They are your definition of warmth and perfection.
No matter how hard you fight it, you can’t beat it.
Their magnetic like pull to your weak iron heart.

They some how get inside and passed every wall and trap you put up and set.
Like a thief they creep in unnoticed and go straight for the masterpiece hanging in your chest.

To be in love.
You give that person the power to destroy you. Annihilate you.
You’re not sure what they will do but you think it would be a privilege to be loved or destroyed by them.

It’s amazing.