Do you drown at the thought
Of finally being happy
Because its been so long
Since you've seen the world in color
Spring doesnt seem to come around anymore
Your sky is gray, gray, gray
And flat, like the curve of your mouth
And whenever you try
To play piano like you used to
The keys all sound out of tune
But you've gotten used to them
Wrong seems normal
And being happy scares you

{NR}

I feel like I keep waking up in a nightmare of my mind.
I'm so trapped.
I can't escape the fact that I have to
wake up again.
               And again.
                     And again.
When will I learn that I'm the nightmare.
I'm never going to wake up from this one cause I created it.
The only way to wake up is to destroy it,
Destroy myself.
I need to wake up.

Never showing the world how much pain and sorrow. You feel every day when you wake up, knowing there’s nothing left to hold on too. Feeling trapped because no one cares to see how much damage they caused by always plotting against you.  

Leaving nothing for you to even try to build happiness.  Just waiting patiently for death to take you.  Trying to remember when there was ever a time in your life.  You felt loved and wanted but no such memory exist.   Wondering why were you created and placed on this earth.  Always trying to be loved. Over and Over again.  Never understanding why no one ever loved or cared about you.  

Watching tears slowly fall down your face again and again because you could never figure out what you did wrong to people for them not to show at lease kindness towards you.  Always praying for an end to life itself.  Wanting just to be treated with love and care.   Dreaming of a life filled with love and happiness.  

While hiding behind all the painful scares of the past.  Trying not to become a ghost no one sees.  Searching for hope that the damaged parts of you will one day get pieced together like a jigsaw puzzle.  Knowing only time will tell.  While fate still has cards left to play for your life.  Wanting so badly to say goodbye to everything and find a place to hide.

His Holiness the Abbot
is *******
in the withered fields.

There is this moment in the morning, this short, sweet period of time where you haven’t yet woken up but aren’t really asleep. Where your memories have not come crashing down on you like a thunderstorm yet and you can fool yourself for a few seconds.
It is at this time where I forget that you no longer love me.
It is at this time where my heart feels safe.
It is at this time where in my mind I am still your sky and you are still my stars.
I want to live in that time.
I remember once, before everything got so messed up, I looked into your eyes and thought “****, you have never loved a hurricane before. I am going to break your heart.”
You broke mine.
I overestimated myself and underestimated you.
You are the hurricane, the Milky Way that is scattered across your pale silky skin shines brighter than I ever could.
And although I always refer to myself as fire I have forgotten what it feels like to be burnt to the ground.

Learning to love my body is like trying to get comfortable in a rental home; no matter how often I rearrange things to look differently, it still doesn’t feel like my own.