Why does life always have to feel so freaking uncomfortable?!
I want to overwhelm my life the way it overwhelms me sometimes.
I want to be the magic in the magic too.
Not feeling like sinking to the bottom everytime, everyday and night
The bottom can be beautiful too though but it’s not light.

Why am I breathing in your smoke?
Coughing till I choke.
Why am I always hearing you talk?
I live here.
But it’s not living cause there’s no escaping.
Your noise, your voice.

Sometimes I force my cramped up body to crawl.
Only in music I can make this possible. Understand my tears, they are streaming from the top of my head boiling, steaming, streaming.
I wish I could make you feel the hurt in my screaming!

Why am I forced to feel your **** when you smoke?
My body turning ****** till I choke.
Hours of horror.
What day is it?
What day was this sensitive guy going to die?
I read he’ll die this Friday.
Finally all his pain, horror and torture floating away.
I will wave his ship goodbye.

But can I stay behind as my friends are keeping me around the finish line?
It’s over but we’re having another bag of crisps and maybe even another little glass of wine.
Why am I still breathing?
Forcing this body that is never leaving...

Nothing around you is working out.
But you're working every day.
Your children are both dying.
Husband's always working.
You're doing everything.

People are calling you with questions.
To which you're always giving the right answers.
But nobody sees you slowly turning numb from all the darkness.
You are not even screaming anymore.
Your voice now sounds so sore.

You know you carry the moon and sun at the same time for so long.
Everyday and every night.
You had to be the fire that was always on, full blasting burning.
Meanwhile your eldest kept on teaching you about the world and everything.

Your youngest had to be a warrior coming home with wounds you had to mend and bind.
No time for fun or just feeling good for such a long long time.

It still keeps going on and on.
You're waiting for the big turning, a place for settling and everything to be alright.
But these days are long gone, everything you have is now and you're trying the best you can all along.
No grandkids and no future.

But it's all just here in this horrible world, you see?
Look how far you've already come.
It's never been in vain.
You're right where you need to be.
And so are we.

Even though it hurts, you're doing well.
And it's been seen.
You're not alone.
Nothing will stay.
But our connection.
And all the battles we've gone through, still never giving in.
Fighting for what we know is right.

I believe in you.
This moment is now just for you, close your eyes and feel it, you deserve it.
And so much more.
It is still inside and always will be.
You are a universal mother.

Sometimes your own pain stings your eyes too bad to look at other people's struggles.
Sometimes your neck cracks too hard to turn around and give a person one last look.
Sometimes your mind is too heavy to think about how somebody you care about is actually doing.
We are all doing our best.

When nothing feels right, how do you make somebody else feel better?
It's a massive challenge.
Sometimes you just need to walk away.
Guilt is not helping anyone but yet you feel it sometimes.
Just appreciate the others for putting up with the struggle, for holding your hand through the pain.

Rest your heavy heart and mind.
It's not up to you how things turn out.
It's life.
Keep on loving, trying and being the best you can.
Sometimes that means you're lying with your head in somebody's hands.
Somebody that loves you, somebody amazing, somebody that's worth everything.

So are you.
You are not worthy of having this world.
This world is not worthy of having you.
If I knew a better place I'd take you there.
Let's go together.
Sometimes when you have the energy it's possible.
Or we can just dream until it's time to go..... ✨🎇🌙💜💫

All you can do is try with what you’ve got.
Sorrow can be all you know.
A part of you, a part of your life, a life that has exhausted your all.
Freedom can still happen.
But not real happiness generally.
Just a moment where you feel good in a song or with someone.

Confusing cause: “hay, everything is supposed to **** in here”!
But darkness has beauty and light is too bright.
You found a way towards “good darkness”.
And now that you’ve actually found a good person without just darkness…
Can you handle it?
It doesn’t really fit with anything of your being.
Yet it’s so comfortable, yet it’s so real.

And you are allowed to be your own darkness and they will be them in their warmth and their flames that don’t burn.
Just warm and just peaceful.

But the darkness is there to stay there till the end.
So…how many moments of feeling good till it’s  done, till the lights go out and the flames burn up?
Till you’re able to end an everlasting night of misery, missing something, missing comfort.
In yourself cause you haven’t found it anywhere.
Until now.

Longing for a pureness.
Longing for white hair.
Longing for oblivion to harm just being wandering.
In a valley in a grey dress.

Maybe there's a dimension where people can see what each other's souls have been through.
And everything is just right for all their souls to heal.

I'd be called Isdal, waiting for the ones I loved most in my past lives to come and find me.
And we already know each other and we know we already know.

Looking at the past it all feels very dark.
Looking at the future it's also very dark.
Being in the present it's just ok, I guess.
Just for now.

Always trying to run harder than it's raining.
Trying not to get hit by the drops too hard.
Or just trying to accept you will get soaking wet and sing along...

Oh I'm longing for a pureness.
Longing for white hair.
Longing for oblivion to harm just being wandering.
In a valley in a grey dress.

Will I find it when I leave?
And will you find me?
I'll be waiting.
As I'm waiting here now too.

I need a waterfall of mercy all over my tortured body.
That kept waking up from noises when it got comfy finally. One day it will end, one day I will find peace. But now just let me sleep and not be in this horror please!!!

Waking up but still in a coma.
Stumbling after drinking, still aware but laughing.
The music changes my mood but mostly at night.
I’m toxic inside.
Resentful towards life.

But also just rebelling.
I’m not angry usually, just not comfy.
Just so tired.
Who isn’t?
But I’ve been tired for so long now.
Even before I started waking.
Up from my coma, still in a coma.

Even before the world would notice that everybody’s tired.
And this world is just a mess.

But we are all trying our best but we have been putting all the blame on others.
When it was nobody’s fault.
What a mess.
No one’s to blame cause there’s a reason and a journey and generations and religion.
Different eras that should be outgrown.
Stop the nonsense, be your truth, that’s what I learned.

I can’t help but feel like it takes too much to be ok.
So, I’m not ok.
And I take too much.
I am at this point where people don’t always understand I’m not happy or grateful for life.
But I’m not apologizing for how I feel.
I need to be real and I try my best everyday and every night.

But I need to escape.
And I’m figuring out what is working still which is not a lot
But I’m loving the people that may make me feel a little bit more alive each day.
And the things, the little things, the moments where I can drift away from all that is hurting from all that is wrong.

Those things keep me going and are helping me to hold on and stay.
In the moment in the arms of the people that matter.

🩷🥲🤗🩷

Hugs matter, people matter.
Look at the homeless guy looking at nothing.
All of the afternoon.
He’s just sitting with all of his belongings.
On a brick and I gave him a smoothie and he thanked me in the kindest of ways.
And I just walked away, hoping that I gave him a feeling that he mattered.
Because that’s all that I could give in that moment.

And I only expect people to give what they can give.
Cause that’s all that matters, doing what you can and trying your best.
And if in the end, that’s not enough, then you’re still enough.
Because you are a fighter and therefore winning.
Because you’re always growing.

You experience things from many different sides.
So you know what feels right and what does not.

Kinda wish 2025 was the end of everything.
Or at least that it was the beginning of the end.
And that in the end there was nothing left for me to be here for.

No need, no options, no pain in leaving, just acceptance.
Letting go, everything around me falling away.               From me.
Even my body.
I would shoot myself up into the universe like fire work.

And rain upon the lovely spirits around me.
Then I would start rotating, whirling around.
Until I became the form I wanted to be in then.
I would fly everywhere, dream and have peace.

Never fight battles again that are just torture.
Find a place of belonging and deep connections.

But also just freedom.
In every possible way.
No failing, no struggling, no being stuck.
Diving into endless oceans of peace. 🩵

It can no longer **** me when I'm dead already.  
I'm in love with knowing it killed me.
Taking off my body.
Like an old coat that I smacked on the floor.
Cause I really really don't need it anymore!

Here is the part where it changed me, it changed you.
I feel everything.
Everything coming through.
And I know and I understand.
How it feels to grow and to hold your hand.

My friends, my army and my family.
In me and me in you, you in me.
No longer will I feel heavy.
I am happy.
And in love cause it has killed me.
It can no longer **** me cause I'm dead already.
I'm so happy!

Young body recovering from the damage.
33 years.
But they seem 3300.
Mind dead.
Brain broken.
Spirit numb.
Can I die?

I guess I’ve experienced too much of life to care about it.
When people ask me questions about how I’m doing, I’m not responding.

I really don’t give a **** about what I should or shouldn’t be doing.
I’ve done enough, life’s done enough.
Please spare me those ideas about “manifesting”.
Just another way of controlling.
Life will be unfolding itself.
I’m just a spectator trying to make it worth it.
Worth being a part of the show, making myself look the way I want to.

I guess part of me always knew what I didn’t care for.
And what I did find important.
Too important because I can’t get it perfect.
But I learn to bargain, I’m still bargaining.
Daily for the way I want things.

Give me the music and the *****.
The bed that feels nice.
The man that cares.
Are the other feelings not just inside me?
A reflection of my own longing.
Never reciprocated or barely.
Not here.

You take the “full me” willingly.
You teach me how to love this way.
To accept things being different than you expect because of love.
And now that is the only way for me to keep going, move forward.
And you accept me in the way I do so cause you know it is the hardest thing for me.
To just go on.
Every day again.
And so you let me be as I am.
In your life, in your space, you just take each day as it comes.
As I still can’t most of the time.
Can’t find peace in the music from the neighbours, the thoughts that keep me busy, the pressure.
But you let me work it out and hold me.
You let me talk and talk things through with me.
Taking it all fully.
Willingly loving.

I’ll be my own witch mother.
Telling myself that I’m only allowed to be upset when all hope dies and nothing is alright.
Only then I can run to the half dead place and scream.
Curse the day that I was born and the days I didn’t die but really tried.

Gently she whispers as I cry:
Have tea, hold on, trust the situation now.
If you can’t and get betrayed, you may still run.
As fast as you can, cry as loud as you must, as determined as ever.
But before that you must wait and see if it’s possible to pull through.

Hold on longer, even longer.
Fight alone but with this whisper in your ear.
Whispers from your own witch mother, gently blowing these words at you.
Guiding you through the torturing night......
Again.

Cause there’s something important that needs for you to stay.
Something truely beautiful waiting as well.
You must stay.
You will stay.
You will hold on.
You can.

It will be done.
It shall as it must.
And it will through the tears, through the pain, through the suffering.
You know it never fully broke your spirit.

Even though it always kept on killing, breaking, shattering, destroying everything for you.
You kept creating a new way.
You can again.
And if not you’re allowed to run, be upset and cause a storm.

I can’t go back to how it used to be.
And I think the universe should agree.
With me, definitely.

So now, where what when?
Trying what I can.
I wonder what’s the new big plan?

The wind blows slightly cold kisses.
My skin feels soft as it misses the blisses.

And the sun is hot, so I’m wearing shorts and a T-shirt.
I feel heavy lying down in the dirt.

After running, after walking the day away.
Getting things done and then I can play.
In the dark with my ***** all alone inside.
Inside my mind, I can play dead and hide.

Cause I can’t dance when nobody’s watching and there’s no place to look at.
I need to stare into something but all I see is lack of that.

Even when I close my eyes.
I’m losing balance, drop, can’t rise.
So I’m watching TV with too much *****.
I snooze.

I’ve done all that I could for the day so that’s enough, I just have to wait.
In a chaotic state.

I’m trying to have faith that whatever happens sets me free.
Cause I think the universe should agree.
With me definitely.

“You’ll find your peace” is what she said.
It’s what I repeat over and over now.
Daily and at night when everything feels so wrong.
“I don’t like it anymore” is what I said.
It’s what I repeat over and over now.
Daily and at night when everything feels so wrong.

“I can’t get it right, it’s not working”,
“I’m a part of my family so I can do anything”, “I’m save, I’m taking my time”,
“I do it the best way possible”….

It’s been taking too long.
It’s not working for me.
I’m trying to go inside but so much is happening.
Too long.
And not enough.
I need peace and something worth fighting for.
Not to just survive for decades.

I’m not ok with having to constantly find a way through things that aren’t.
Ok.
Ok?
No, it’s not.
No, I’m not.
I’m just trying to find my way out of this.
And not come back but I have to do it in a way that is not ok.
Cause I can’t stay, not even when I try to be save, inside, taking my time, doing what I can…

Looking at your younger self from a viewer’s perspective.
You’re not in the middle of it.
You see everything.
You know everything that was going on.
And it’s good you couldn’t see everything like that back then.
You still couldn’t deal with it but at least you didn’t see everything as the big picture that you see today.

You put it right in front of me.
So I will always know that it's there.
Maybe some day, some time I'll get to have it so I keep waiting.
Getting prepared for what's never going on.

I thought feeling lonely and sufferig all by myself was hard and unfair enough.
Untill you came along.
Just to always tell me something to hold on to.
To let me know that there's a deep connection.

You tel me at night that you might be coming to see me when you're ready.
But you either don't come at all or you just have a sip from my cup and go.
I know why it can't be different, we can't get caught.

But this is worse than lonelyness.
Getting prepared for nothing after years of feeling alone.
Tension without release.
Not being able to give up again.
Life always plays these tricks on me.

Can I let go of you and let go of this game?
I want to see what will come out of it.
But I can't live here waiting.
Not being ready wouldn't feel right to me either.
Cause I'm a mess that needs some fixing.

But fixing takes times and energy.
Which I'm giving now for nothing.
Let me go then if you can't come.
Or maybe accept the mess that I am.
But I can't always accept it when I want this one moment of freedom, one moment that's right.

I always do anything for these moments.
Sometimes I wonder why.
Is it even worth it anymore?
Hurting myself like that when my body feels exhausted, stiff, tired, out of it, completely lost.
Then just leave me in my space and get out of it!

You just leave me feeling so sad and disappointed.
Unsatisfied as can be.
Worse than lonely.
And you're not even to blame.
No one is to blame, life plays these games on you and me.
I was already falling apart.
Now my heart is too.
Worse than ever.

Put it in front of my face.
Like a spirit world that I can't go to.
Let me go.
Don't hold me prisoner.
All my life.
An unfair game.
A broken toy.
In pieces.

Then don't let me see it.
Let me sleep.
Forever.
Be comfortable and not pressured, prepared.
Let me sleep and let go.
Let me go in peace.

You’re not real, are you?
Yet my lips I kept soft, just for you.
The pain of life’s too great.
And we cannot be even if you were for real.
But when you appear into my dreams they are so intensely pure, so good.
You trigger all the good parts deep inside me.

Yet I cannot sing freely when you’re there in person.
It’s too much.
I choke.
In all the feelings and all of those tunes.

You play on your piano.
I forget the world, I try everything to block out everything.
Everything but your tunes.
And your voice.

Purple lights through the heavy curtains being shut.
I'll go with the same intense energy.
As the purity of my rage, my love.
My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.

I drop my body backwards into this deep dark river.
It's cold but I only feel it for a moment.
I land at a place where the idea of you is true.
And you're not just digging your nails into my hands but holding them forever.

Now I'm hanging by your hands above the deep river that scares you.
Apparently I scare you, offend you, I offended you so bad that you'll never forget.
Good, I hope you'll never forget.
Now drop me, I'm not scared, I've been there, you're always near.

Maybe you should jump in with me some day.
Swim with me and hold my hand.
It will only hurt for a moment.
And your life will hurt a lifetime.
With or without me.

My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.
Just to show you how the truth's been covered up for you ever since you opened your eyes.

Purple lights, you call them fake.
They are the truth coming through like the purity of your rage and my love for you.
I'll come to you with the same energy that offended you.
Just because I love you and want to show you every side of the story.

Before the veils fall down again and the heavy curtains are being shut forever.
Grab my hand and dig your nails into the inside of my fingers before letting go again.
I'm not a sucker of your energy like you feared I would be.
Not a sucker, just a feeler.

And a teller of stories.
Just like you but in a different language.
With different endings.
Different characters.
Stranger places.
With purple lights and endless views.
With background music that you never heard.

Your first time.
First concert.
Greatest offense.
First time in the dark deep river.
I'll hold your hand.
Even though you fear me.
You can trust me.

We'll go with the same intense energy.
And we're connected.
You'll hear/see/feel from me!
As the purity of our rage and love drops over this world as we run all over it together.
Your eyes can tell me that they know of the purple light, but you've been told it wasn't real.

It's more real than this world, don't you know by now?
Grab my hand when you seek for anything different.
My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.
But I keep my eyes open just to let you spot the purple light.
And I let you decide for yourself how fake it looks this time.
What do you feel/see/hear?

Just energy, where would you be?
Moving through the universe being able to feel/hear/see through the dark blue river.
It wasn't everything but it changed everything, this life, meeting each other.
It wasn't the ending when I closed my eyes.
When the heavy curtains shut.
You've seen the light, now go outside.