Tomorrow is a strange thing.
It keeps on happening but you're never there.

So is my longing.
My longing for death.

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

I believe in myself.
I have to do what I have to do.

Somehow.
Somehow I can.

Death is so strange.
Life is insane.

And people take it as fact.
But it's all just an act and a trap.

So,

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

I must, I can't just be sick or old.
Suddenly explode.

No, I must fight.
As always.

But I believe in myself.
I have to do it alone.

Out of love for myself.
Out of love for tomorrow.

The day when I passed away.
And there will be no tomorrow for me.

I'll be off into the far away.
Swimming, living in a tree.

Singing and diving.
Never again dying.

I love you.
Please keep loving me.

And believe in yourself.
Don't let anybody tell you what to do.

Believe in your feelings.
Believe in your love.

Cause,

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

One day it will be that day.
Actually tomorrow.

Then the suffering and torture,
they'll be finally over.

I hate this life out of love.
Out of love I hate the suffering of the people.

One day it will be that day.
Actually tomorrow.

Out of love and understanding.
Out of love for myself and you.

Out of love for the universe.
The love from the universe.

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

Every big sound is like an attack.
Every moment waking is grieving.
Grieving that little peace I had found.
I don’t know what’s going on.
And how you are feeling, my love.
I’m scared so I run to the dark.
Trying to feel save.

I don’t like the days and I don’t like the nights.
I only like parts.
I want to enter the part where I enter dreamland.
Forever.
Even while awake later.
Just outside flying with the wind.
No distraction.
Being what I want to be.
For once and for all.
I want peace and dreams.
In the dark and sometimes in the light too.
But not too light, I became allergic to light.
Cause this life has left me burning and not able to face the brightness of another difficult day.
And the sounds are so horrific that they take my soul to leave it lost in space.
And my body cannot move.
It’s lying there still.

People are mortal.
This world is changing constantly.
It seems so far away but some day we won't move with our bodies.
Going out is different.

Or maybe you'll just go back to another one of all those mortal places.
Well I'd say, I won't follow the light.
I've seen these tunnels many times.
Many different types.

I liked to enter them a lot but I won't go to the end again.
Maybe next time I'll try to resist temptation, not even get in.
Cause you've got to finish what you start like every end has to begin.
So even though I like the sight of a tunnel in the night I'll just leave and go inside myself.

And who will be the guard this time?
Will the feeling be like the vision?
I don't like this world, don't take me back.
Can I trust you when I lookat you?
I'll feel it on the inside.

People are mortal.
This world is changing constantly.
It seems so far away but some day we won't move with our bodies.
Going out is different.

As you know, gut feelings don't lie.
My guard was up with you from the start.
Somehow you broke through.

I never told you a lie.
Or anything that wasn't true.
Still you didn't want to listen.
You let me listen to your problems and pain.
You let me help you.

Your best friend even told me: be carefull, he's so sensitive.
Me too, I told him loudly, extremely.
What about me?

But it was never about me it seems.
Your pride, your ego, I had to have respect.
Respect needs to be earned.

Maybe later you think back to this and learn.
I screamed at you: Why can you not be understanding with me as I'm also deeply hurting and suffering?!
It didn't really seem to get through to you at all....
And so I had to cut you off.

So harsh, the ugly truth inside your perpect looking Persian eyes.
This Viking is leaving, never to return.
No regrets but still torn and angry.
I fought for you before you showed me it had all just been in vain.
Now I still have to see you for 5 weeks untill I'm moving.

Moving away from you forever.
Only left with my true friends to visit.
I hope I'll never have to hear another ugly word from you again or see you after that.
Words and looks of empty pride.
While my good friends are still humble and loyal, I gave you my all.
Foolish little fight, way too big fight to handle cause I could never win this one.
So I'm saving myself again for what's left to be done and fight for now.

You chose to look away when I was in battle.
While I was thinking about your fights constantly.
Did you learn that in your culture?
All autistic women are better off dead than to live with people like you.

You told me your stories, you were a beast in your country.
You're not so much of a changed man.
Nobody can save you from your ego but you.
To think you tried to teach me things about sprituality and everything.
Hope I showed you something....

But I'm leaving.

I used to be scared that people would forget me when I would die.
Now I’m scared that people will remember me for who I’ve become.
My journey in this world has been too long now.
And yet I’m not done.
💀😢💀😢💀

We're all working towards something that's happening later.
Yet it already happened in a timeless realm.
Animals, people, plants... always planning for the future in some way.
Preparing something, for something.
But not constantly and not in every way, just during the night and day.
While creating, escaping, loving we're free, in the moment.
But still we're made to prepare, anticipate, work on ''the future''.
The future that already happened.
It's divine design.
Designed for each individual creature.
Created between stars and planets through time.
And when time's up, it's over around here.

I have a feeling that I need something more than the sunrise and sunset for so long.
Life feels like a box in which I never did belong.
So I'm either tired or seeking for more in vain.
A lot more than sunlight, a little more than rain.

A few more bites, another slice of anything that's nice.
A better place, a warmer shelter, a bigger price.
To compare for the hunger and the pain.
The pain I could never explain.

Because people say and I like to believe that many things should have a reason why.
I'd probably only figure out really how that's true when I die.

I stopped believing in a great ending and stories but I know it all falls into place just fine.
Right now I'm balancing high between two places to fall on a thin line.

Having to decide but falling anyway soon.
In the morning, at night and noon.
I'm in a box.
I'm between two rocks.
Too slipery to climb up.
No backing up.

Watching the sun set and rise.
Wanting to be in another world to finish off in paradise. 🖤⚡️🔥

So empty, too full.
She gave all she could.
But pouring water kept her from breathing.            
Well then what is left to do but drown?

But then look at them judging, why ain’t she swimming?
Can’t breathe, can’t breathe.
They stand there and tell her exactly what to do.
From the sideline.
All she ever asked was for them to understand why.
Why she drowned and sank.

But it was too much to ask so she drowned alone again.
And this time she gave in.
She gave up and blocked out everyone who never listened to her begging.
Just understand that all she was asking was for you to believe that it really was pouring and pouring and pouring.
And it never stopped…

I’m not afraid of death.
Nothing ever stays the same.
And when I get the slightest form of a feeling of being at home somewhere I lose it again.

I did receive my soulfamily but never a lover.
I couldn’t have one either cause I’m never at home anywhere.
Always moving away, never at ease, being too wilde and yet too tired.

So, no I’m not afraid of death and I’ve seen my path making sense.
It wasn’t in vain even though it’s always been so rough, nearly impossible.
But there’s a space for everything at every time.

What I am afraid of is dying, the process, doing it alone especially.
Not knowing where the journey ends.
But when the journey here will end I’m sure I’d be content.

But how it will is what scares me.
Letting go of my body and everything I know.
Although I was never at home somehow I can’t let it go on my own.
And I’m not sure when I can.

A project of love instead of a project of fear.
Killing my ego.
Step by step.

Fear coming from hope and expectation.
Letting go.
Not expecting, but accepting and trusting.

It’s all I can do.
Before I’m ready to leave.
I think I’m done with all that this world has brought.

But now I’m still taking steps towards leaving.
And that thought is soothing.
Also trying to be in the moment and accepting.
It is what it is.

My journey.
I won’t fight it.
It’s been torture but it’s a process.
My project.
My torment.
My breaking point.
Every time, the things that come back again.

But now I need to let go.
Killing my ego.
Step by step.

?A question mark tattooed on my forehead.
Still so many questions.
Why is it so difficult to live but even so much harder to die???
And you’ll remain a dream to me.
But I’m gonna enjoy every bit of it.?

The differences only hurt when you can’t read me.
So you keep asking me to read you pages...
It takes forever this way.
But it’s all we’ve got.
And it feels like I did read your book somewhere...
But not completely.
I think I missed a lot of details.
Maybe I shall go back and read some more.
Although it gets so hard to focus.
I’m so extremely tired.
I think I see those lines in your eyes and I hear them in your voice.
Hopefully your eyes won’t turn into mine.

I'm just really looking forward to it.
But I'm still so young.
And the gravity is pulling so ******* my body.
I could almost dive into the tiles I'm running on.
Running through the heavy feeling, running towards the place where I belong.
I'm looking forward to it so much!
Running towards it like running home after having been in labour.
Feeling sick and tired, doing one hard task after another.
Running towards my family.
But my family is still down here too.
One day I'll be there to pick you up when you're running up to this place.
If you fall along the way I'll lift you to embrace you.
Forever cause we made it.
We've already fought these battles down here.
So many from left to right.
But together we'll be home one day.
I'm just really looking forward to it!

I lost my ability to be grateful.
I have to remind myself constantly of the things that are ok.
I swore I’d never be fine after the pain, the horrific nights.
They were too much.
Life was too much, forcing my body into movement.
Constant movements without my will, my comfort.
This body, this world, it never felt right at all.
So why would I try to save this world?
Where are we when we are in this world anyway?
Aren’t there other worlds to go to?

And yes, what IS the alternative?
Better or worse right now?
Cause right now I’m in a better place.
I don’t know what the alternative is like.
I just lost the ability to be grateful most of the time.
And I’m not comfy.
That is valid even though I also need to know that there are things that are ok.
But that might be what’s keeping me here.
For even longer than I ever thought I would last.
So I’m rebelling.
But it’s not helping.
Not helping me or anybody.

I want to write about the universe.
About how it's never ending.
About where we might go.
To where there's more creation in vibrant colours.

Or just dark holes to fill with sparkles.
No more quantum copy and paste.
True creation from within that can fly around.
I dive into it with wonder and find true love that never dies.

I cry as a creature all night.
Why won't you find me here?
Love that I can't reach.
Where should I go?

I want to write this to the universe.
Put it in a sparkling black and purple bottle, throw it in the endless waters.
Or send a ship with black sails and big old Vikings and I'll be hiding somewhere on their boat with them.
Sail off into the land we've never known.

Can we fall in love when we are dead?
I'm sure we can.
Even deeper.
Even heavier.

Without death.
Without decay.
True and pure.
Everyone is worth such love.

Divine us.
We are divine creatures.
We are Gods.
We feel our spirit.

We can fall in love inbetween worlds as well.
Enter that world with someone some day.
You are lucky, both very lucky when you can.
It takes great pain still to enter the inbetween.

It takes a life of strive and battle.
Being half alive,
Two bodies in the inbetween......
What a magical way to be. ✨🌙

I want to be away.
Take me away.
With you.
Let's sail off into the land we've never known.

Be my king.
Let me hold you.
Skin to skin and intertwined, redivined.
Us divine, us creatures, halfway into the universe.

Halfway still in a bed of sand.
On the ground.
The pieces that keep us around.
Around here for now.

Inbetween.

Such darkness, so little of what you deserve. The pain keeps on running like cold waterfalls of mud. There’s no comfort. I don’t give you the love that you should be given. I am a dark stream. And you try to swim but we’re going down under over and over. And I can’t breathe. But I love being under if the water’s not so cold. And you make it warmer. But I can’t make the waterfalls calm down at all. I try every day and night. The ******* fish are swimming and so are the gold fish that we’re both killing. Every night I see them coming. And dying. I see their bones lying in the field. In the dark. I don’t know what this all means. I don’t know why we’re doing this. There’s no end to this fight until I’m burned up and dry. Like a red rose in the night sky forever. Your lady of the waters, the dark waters and the blue dress floating. I’m forever a red rose bending if I’m not like a lady of the dark waters in a blue dress. And a red rose in the night.

Restless.
The unknown and the very familiar knocking on your door.
Everyday.
Forcing you to have them make their way through.
You.
Breathing in and out, you try to be one with everything around you.
Wind.
Thinking the rain would be refreshing but today you can’t smell a thing.
Walking.
So restless and no control so having to surrender and give in.

To everything.
To everything, sometimes it gets so old to be dealing with the same things.
And not knowing if they will be what you hoped they would be.

So nice to just be able to be in the moment.
So nice to be able to share it.
So nice to have it all for yourself and not care whoever else is there.

Sing.
Breathing, or just making noises that you’re feeling like making.
Moving.
Not fighting your body in moving and movements in moments.
Cuddling.
Under a sheet and really loving somebody, their body.
Noticing.
And smiling and strechting, take a little breather.
Waking.
You know you’ve been through the night and there’s a new beginning.

Always hard and not very interesting and somebody will be taking your place.
Whether you’re rushing, stressing or forced to be resting.
Always starting over and over but oh, sometimes these moments...
They feel, taste, smell and look just so amazing.

And so you’re jumping and floating into the unknown or the very familiar.
And you’re opening the door.
Oh please, just open up that door.
I’m knocking...
I know you hear me.

I escape in black.
I stop everything.
And run away.
Gone forever.
I run till I find a gate of swirls.
And jump through.
My mind is broken.
My body won’t hold it if I don’t run.
Not all day everyday so I try to run when I can.
Far and long.
Till my body is as tired as my head.
And they crash hopefully.
So I don’t have to hold a broken mind.
But it’s never silent there so even as I crash these voices scream me awake.
They try to talk as I’m running.
So I try to silence them till I drop.
Run me over!
I’m done running from and towards things.
I’m done dropping being broken all the time.

I wish I couldn’t see the things that aren’t ok.
I wish I didn’t feel the pain.
I wish I didn’t hear the noise.
And that I was just able to move without the tension.
I’m so stuck.
I’m so sad.

I wish I could leave this dark place and the pressure.
I wish I was free from everything.
I wish it stopped, all of the pushing and pulling.
At last.

I’m so dark but my hair is light.
Dying it won’t fix anything.
So I try not to be tempted.
Leave me be, I’m so sad and so tired of it.

Only in death I’ll be saved.
From the noises.
From having to make the bed right.
From OCD.
Distractions, overwhelming, being stuck.

I can try to be safe in moments.
But things keep coming back.
So death, safe me from these.
I’m crying for you.
Day and night.

I long for that day where I can close my eyes and give up forever. When I’m able to let go. Peacefully. But maybe I will not go like that. Maybe I’ll have to also fight my way out. I’m a Viking after all. And the waters were always dark. Wild, wavy, deep. So I couldn’t rest. So my skin cracked, my eyes stung. I haven’t been soft since childhood. But I do know what caring about someone means. And music is a medicine that helps more than anything ever could. Doctors could never give me anything that helped. This world has taught me so many lessons. Has made me experience so much. Hopefully I can use this to get a broad perspective on existence. I think I will. But for now I don’t know where my ship is sailing. Not in calm waters. That’s all that I can say. I want to sleep. I want to go home. I want to sail towards the sky. Drown into the deep sea. And never come back to the shore of this world.

Thought I could be save in his arms.
But that was only a dream.
I want to die.
He says he can’t give himself.

Now it’s taking too much energy, thinking about him.
All I had, all hope lost.
Always lost.
And so incredibly lonely.

Thought I could be save in peace.
Peace has never been here in this world, it’s always a challenge.
My body’s tired but I’m never ready to leave.
I want to feel him over it once more.

Always.
Once more.
Oh save me.
Save me from this curse called “hope”.

It hurts between my eyes.
He can’t receive me with all my pain and intensity.
Can I still try?
Die, try, cry, all the time.

Only small moments.
I long for those moments with him.
His body that's much warmer and so much older than mine.
His face, his head and my tight sensitive body holding it in its hands.

I only have myself, very free.
Free but cold.
Even Odin feels how cold I am when he lies on top of me.
We’re both not able to warm each other as long as I’m with the living.

It’s the hardest thing to do, leaving your body voluntarily.
But I need to.
Save me from this curse called “hope”.
I need to let go.

Always.
Over and over I realise.
I need to not be here.
Here where it’s lonely.

Save me from this curse called “hope”.

“I want to die”, I scream so many times.
Like death is some kind of “utopia”.
Like freedom.
Like belonging.
That is what it feels like.
But I also know I will never be ready for it.
Until maybe that moment when it’s actually happening.

But planning it is scary to me.
Knowing it’s going to happen.
I’m bad at letting go.
But this world has never been ok, right or safe.
And I know it’s not supposed to be.
I knew it from the start cause I didn’t come out of the womb.

I’m always ready to leave.
Yet, I’m never really ready.
I lie inside my grave with my eyes open and my hands digging in the soil.
Still not closing my eyes and letting go.
Until that won’t open wide enough for my body to give in.
Till it completely falls apart.
Then I’d have to let go.
My old jacket is finally torn and falling and I am reaching out to that girl.

That girl that already found her way towards another place.
And I change into my new form.
Like I’ve been changing into different forms.
In my way here in this life.
But then I can finally completely change without it taking everything from me.
Finally be exactly what I want to be.
Home.
Why am I so scared?
To let go. 🥲

It’s probably not supposed to be easy.
I’m not supposed to be able to leave whenever I want to or need to.
That would not fit with the journey.
And the experience.
Being in this world, it has rules to it.
I guess I just have to be really brave.

My room has no windows anymore.
It stresses me out to see the cars parked in front of them.
So now there are no windows, no sunlight.
It stresses me out having no windows.
So I go out for walks.
Can't keep walking, must rest cause I feel bad though the walks are nice.

Resting at my room again that has no windows.
Drinking hot tea way too fast.
Eating too much, unable to dance.
Body aching and feeling heavy, my head as well, my heart as well.
Waiting for better days.
Trying to find ways to walk towards and to walk through better days.
Telling myself it's ok.
It's ok to have no windows.

I've not been getting along with my body.
It felt used up so I let it be used to find a way out.
But I didn't find a way out.
Instead I dreamed I got pregnant with a boy.
But it was wrong because of the way it happened.
So my body started to bleed and reclaim its strength, be one with me.
Be one with nature and the wind like I've always been.

Waiting with these walls around me.
Maybe it will work out, maybe not.
In this room together with my body.
We're in this together.
Again for a while.
Even though it aches.
Waiting till these walls again might break.

The windows will fly open.
And I will fly away.
Hopefully I'll see somebody that I love and he won't break my heart.
He's a bit of a rough man, rough on the edges, rough at some parts.
But we got such a connection.
I'm also far from alright, never walk towards the light but straight into the dark.

I told him: I can see in the dark.
But sometimes I wished I was blind.
And he dreamed about it.
He dreamed about me having these black eye contact lenses.
They gave me a super power to deal with the pain and suffering.
I just deal with it already but it would be nice.
Having a super power.
It would help.

Now I got this windowless room.
And this body that actually doesn't want me to keep writing.
My head is spinning.
Muscles tightening.
So I keep waiting and surviving to see the next good thing come around.
And to see my rough man.
Through the darkness, the aching, the ringing in my ears.
Soon we can both run towards the sea maybe.
Sea sight, Syonight.

Sedate me.
Too many reasons for being sad.
Too many things not being right.
I can’t make them… right, they’re not alright.
It’s never right.
Same old, not alright.
Sedate me.

I'm standing in a dark room with my eyes closed.
I'm finding a new song.
As I fall in love.
As I'm always falling.
Can I be in love with you when I'm not among the living?
I can't sleep.
I can't find comfort in anything.

But the dark room and the song remind me of the moment where not everything is happening .
I'm not missing out on anything.
When I'm in the moment and I see much more in the dark.
I'm missing out when I see everything happening.
Because that's when nothing's really happening to me.

I'll go searching in the dark, maybe I'll find love.
Maybe you will find  me too.
Like the song.
Like the song found me.
As I sing along.
I notice you touching my lips.

Your hands are feeling every movement.
I feel every feeling as I'm singing.
The song that found me.
And I found you years ago but I cannot be in love with you.
Because I'm not among the living.
I can't sleep.
I can't find comfort in anything.

I can make weird faces again with my stitches.
Yay.
Won’t take it for granted, I’m trying.
Not to take life in this world, seriously.

Seriously, there must be other places.
But every place has connections to everything.
Trying to let go of everything….
Before I go, letting go.

It’s easier to let go for me already.
When I know I can leave.
I feel broken and lost.
But I’m letting go of what’s bothering as much as I can.

But then…
There’s always something.
Always been.
Free when I’m home.
That’s how it should go.

That’s where you let your guard down.
And I’ve never been home here.
So maybe I can finally drop everything and fall down.
Forever when I’m gone.

She’s ready for a new chapter.
But is the new chapter ready for her?
She’s punk again as expected.
The cuts are holes for light to shine, from the lightning and thunder inside.

The plasters are lovers covering the wounds.
The Avocado for comfort and health.
The only way in which she takes care.
The rest is filled with beer and pain au chocolat.

For the pain, the discomfort, uncertainties.
The chains.
The chains remain.
The brain and tying ends together, pressure.
She’s getting ready.
Always getting ready.
But is she ever?

At least for the new chapter, the moment, she tries.
But it doesn’t feel right.
A little better after getting it together, over and over.
She’s never done.

Part of me feels so much like I should’ve died years ago.
The other part knows that I wasn’t supposed to cause the mess was too great even to leave it behind.
So the mess became a large deep pit of information with me dancing in it.
Till I could finally find a way to shoot myself above all that.

You still miss her so much.
I feel it when I touch the keys of your laptop.
Wet from your teardrop.
Last night there was a birthday party.
For a boy that was a zombie.
He didn't exist, only his mother.
In a ghost home like no other.
Dark and brown.
In a ghost town.
I watched them from very far away.
I watched a mother and child that used to play.
You'll find ways.
You'll find ways and people and days.
It will be so hard, impossible and too much.
Like trying to sleep when there's nothing that feels right for your body to touch.
And it all falls apart again.
And you have to start again and again.
Always with too many things happening.
And no certainty and the world spinning.
On and and on.
How to go on? How to hold on?
Falling backwards again into the storm.
Uncomfortable and cold in every form.
The calm before and after the hit.
And the loving inside surrounding it...
You just hold me when everything falls.
When the siren calls...

Let me take you to my sanctuary.
I know I can't take you out of your misery.
And probably make things worse a lot.
With all that struggling that my head brings from the relationship we've got.
My brain and your brain.
Build to let our heart frequency go down too far, down through the drain.

Not that it can completely do that or ever fully will.
It just makes us both feeling exhausted, pretty bad and really ill.
But we're always taking steps, step by step, learning.
Keeping balance, trying and giving just about everything.

We're like yin and yang.
But there's a shotgun on our heads: bang bang!
Take it, suffer, fight intensely, fall down, there's nothing that you can do.
So let me show you where I used to go to.
The fight's insane.
I want to make it ok and release you from your brain.

You know you are strong, I am too.
I needed shelter back then so that's where I'm taking you to.
About 8 years ago.
Now you know.

Please heal, we both still have a journey left ahead.
But also done so much work before that it left us feeling (brain)dead.
My body can't turn this around.
But it's time for you to find back that strength and use it again to burn that pain down to the ground.
When the sun will rise, you must do too some day like a phoenix from a flame.

Like I had to in many ways but you should stay there cause you earned it in this horror story game.
Nobody had to suffer like you which makes you that more special.
Like out of all the shining sun rays you're the brightest of them all!
Little sister, let me take you to my sanctuary.
I know I can't take you out of your misery but I can take you here finally.

The torturing sleepless nights where all the bad keeps coming to me in my dreams....

Sometimes I get up and eat too much.
Sometimes I start planning my death.
Life is so cruel.
The days aren't even working either.
My bed isn't a save place, doesn't stay comfy when I get it comfy.
And waking from everything!
So many things happening to wake me, through the earplugs, through the sleeps meds.

So I sit here again feeling too heavy holding my head in my hand.
Will I try again, give all I can again, mess up the mattress again probably by tossing and turning?
Nothing's working, I keep trying but why why why!?
I should have the courage to end it all, be a true Viking after all.
But death remains a strange thing and my good friends and family need me to stay a little longer.

But how much more torture is worth it when life won't ever work again?
Relationships don't ever work, ocd and intrusive thoughts are always coming.
Triggers from things I don't understand that my sister said, she triggers me like nobody else even though she's so nice and also suffering.
I dream about her, ocd and horror.
Sometimes the ocd is waking me up again too.

The worst scenario cause it ***** up everything even more.
I'm my dream I'm the one torturing her, breaking her skull.
But actually it's the ocd I want to **** and the pain of not being comy, not sleeping, not being able to just love and have a relationship.
Guess I'll have to **** me for that, but what is death?
I know life is our own journey, for us to develop, but the torture neeeds to end!
FINALLY!

As I am standing by the river there’s a flower. Floating.
Such a dark flower pretty.
One of its kind.
Drops lay down upon its surface.
It is drowning but afloat.
It is dying.

Eventually.
But I’m following it’s journey for today.
For tonight.
As I think about our lives that we have lived. I’m still here but you have crossed.
Over to another river.

But I still see you and feel you, energy coming.
Because those rivers they can cross.
And I’m floating.
Crossing too.
But I’m still here.
Watching.
The river, the flower and feeling.
Pain and agony and love.

And maybe one day there’s a flower growing.
Again.
I will lay my body down and cry.
A new life.
The next kind.
The river reflects the sun.
Alive as a river is a flower so new.
So old and broken.

So sad and so alive, so warm and so wise.
Because of watching and growing.
Drowning and dying.
Floating and crossing.
Forever.
You, me and everything.
Like a running river.
Or sleeping like a flower.
Floating.

💜🪷🥀💧

Take my hand and we’ll jump through the pastel chalk powder.
We can be a different creature.
Both of us can go and feel at home.
Not here.

This can be an ode to my friends and my closest family.
Because you are always so dear and understanding, especially now that we're here.
Finally.
Look now all around, it feels full of options but it still makes you nauseous, yes I know.

Take my hand and let me show you why I have to go through the pastel powder.
Let me be a different creature, I feel sick when I stick around.
Both of us can feel at home now when we jump right through the ground.
A chalk pavement painting.

Let's go right into the pavement painting.
Let me take you.
Pastel, not too bright but soft and light.
Comfortable.

This painting is an ode to my dear friends and closest family.
Because you're always so dear and some things you understand so well.
Come on let me take care of those wounds and soreness with a chalk powder.
A soft chalky powder smell.


And soft colours for strange creatures.
We can be.
A different kind of creature when we go through the chalk powder on the pavement.
Take my hand, we can be, we can be...

Soft.
Comfortable.
Happy.
Smooth.
Peaceful.
Loving.

Sometimes you want it to be over,
sometimes you can hold on a little longer.
Sometimes the peace comes from within.
Sometimes somebody else let’s you in.
Holding you, you holding them.
You holding on to whatever keeps you fighting.
And you hold a peaceful body of a person that you love who’s still sleeping.

A peaceful night behind you.
That’s how life rewards a warrior for the courageous fight, continue.
You’re doing well.
You have something special.
You have something special coming.

Trust in it, trust it all.
Ancient warrior, holding your loved one.
Ancient warrior, the fight will never be done.
Not in this world and this life.
So maybe go outside one time and see what you like.....
Something special is coming.

My name is Sora Sore.
I can't take it anymore.
My eyes are drowning deep.
I couldn't get no sleep.
My neck is in a knot.
And it hurts a lot.

I'm too messed up like my mattress.
But I can play a role, I'm an actress.
And I like it, it's not an act when I'm in it.
Especially when I sing it.

But it burns on my head.
Every day and night in bed.
I've been hanging around like a zombie.
A living dead combi.
I can't take it no more.
I am Sora and I am so so so sore.

Wearing my body.
Wearing it out completely.
I carry it to my grave.
Tossing it through another wave.

Please don't judge me for getting affected.
For being on this earth but not really connected.
Laying inbetween too worlds and painful sensations.
The creatures poking at my skin, the latest manifestations.

The earth can have my body back.
I'm am Sora and I crack.
I'm a zombie.
A living dead combi.

I'm ok.
Just another day.
I'm Sora Sore.
Just a little bit more.
Sora Sore.
Until I'm not there no more.

I feel so guilty.
So lost and needy.
I try real hard, but sometimes I am the pain.
Even though it’s the last thing I want.
Why am I like this?
Must be a really good reason.
For this to be caused.
By this lifetime.
I am so sorry.
The last person to deserve it is receiving the call for help.
The one that holds all the horror and the suffering, please please help‼️

And yet that person is the one to answer.
Is the one that helps.
Life in this world can be so cruel.
It is unfair.
Makes me want to leave because it’s better if I make that sacrifice if I can’t change.
But I know it’s also not helping if I leave, they don’t want me to leave.
But it also needs to stop so I need to stop.
Stop this suffering. 😭

Sound moves
Sound moves things
Movements
Movements make sound
Sounds like a movement
Movements to a sound

I’ll be bathing in the softest substance
Just for when you’re ready to receive me.
If you know and understand me just enough.

Just enough to let me drown when it’s time to go.
Just enough to dance and swim when we still have time.

Just enough to let me lie down and close my eyes till the break of dawn.
To know that when I wake up you are the only bright sparkle in the sky.

Help me through, magic blue.
Help me through.
The day.
The day.
Oceans’ blue.
Oceans’ grey.
Help me.
Save me.
Let me be swimming.
In you.
To you.
A new beginning.
Start new.
Don’t let me hear a single noise.
Just your waves, a mermaids’ voice.
But no more banging sound.
Let me whirl and swirl, let me go.
Round and round.
To places I don’t know.
But seen only in dreams and heard only in whispers and voices of the sea.
Let me be that creature, let me be sparkly. ✨

I clean the mirror and stick my tongue out to life!
Not giving a **** used to give me energy.
Now I’m lucky if it brings me peace.
Joy has dulled out.
I still like crazy bands and their stories…
But I think I’ve had most of my crazy funny nights.
I don’t know.
Maybe I should try it one more time.
Just to see if it’s alright.

How much longer can I want to die but still just stick around?
Cause why not, guess I still can.
Anyway but it gets old.
But it gets better in some ways.
But there’s never a straight line towards anywhere.
And I’m just so over all of these unpleasant tasks and feelings every day.
Every night I’m waking.
Constantly.
I want to dream!
Intense dreams, peaceful nights and days.
Evening cries with music playing just celebrating suffering.

Everything.
Even though we don’t know where this will end.
What will begin?
We just know that we won’t take another type of control after this war!
This place of war that we got sent into!
I’m cleaning my mirror and sticking out my tongue.
Just to say, I’m hating this game!

It’s Friday night.
You didn’t reply.
I’m on the couch.
Can’t feel the wine.

It never hits, only beer does.
And you’re never here until I reach out.
But then it’s awkward.

I still don’t know what you think of me.
But probably you don’t really want me the same as I want you, dream about you.
You old guy, Gemini.

I opened the door towards your love somewhere in 2015.
I was so lonely, young and crazy.
Always in hell unless you took me into your world or I created a new world.
You were there…

But now it’s 2023, almost 24 and I have survived somehow without you.
I learned not to love you.
Only in my dreams.

I had to.
I had to.
I had to.
I still have to.

I've stopped trying to stop the bleeding.
But I can't ignore the stretching.
It's always hurting so I try to numb it.
When I think about death I never know what to expect.

Even though I'm pretty aware of what's out there.
A Matrix full of pain keeping you in chains and it's pulling on me.
But you know, when you feel sick all the time you need somebody to hold you tight.

I've seen my best friend block me because of secret activities he did with somebody.
Now the friend request still pending for me after he quit because she didn't want to leave her husband.
You're ashamed of me, right?

Can't sleep, got to eat, I'm tired, so tired, so drained, so heavy.
Always swear to myself I'll never beg for somebody's love anymore.
Still catch myself doing it.
Can't help but feeling sometimes that the love on this earth is just another lie to keep you in line.
I know love is real but it can be so much more real when it's free.
Think about it: when you're not either exhausted or sad, could you love better?

Or do you use love as another drug, like food, like smoke, like drinks, like meds...
Meds either numb you or maybe when you're depressed they can make you believe you're not sad.
If they help at all and not become another way to have you be the guinea pig to experiment on.

Give me money and I will put these meds in your system, treat you, feed you, feed you more (bull)****!
I'm over this nonsense, be real please.
I can cry everyday but I have no tears left but I constantly feel like I can't breathe.
Hold me, it's the only non-toxic way for me to not feel sick!

I've stopped trying to stop the longing.
I will always be longing as long as I'm living.
It's always hurting so I try to numb it.
But when I think about death I never know what to expect...

Even though I'm pretty aware of what's out there.
A Matrix full of pain keeping you in chains and it's pulling on me.
But you know, when you feel sick all the time you need somebody to hold you tight.

Why don't you take this key and stop taking life so seriously?  
Open the box of surprises, you'll find so many great fun prices.
Careful but not too careful,  and life won't be hard but never dull.
Stupid old soul taking life way too seriously, why why?
Haven't you learned it's all a fun try try?
Oh what a relaxing fun surprise.
If you don't take it seriously it can be a little nice.
Sometimes...

Death is a strange thing.
But when life is torturing...
Death whispers a soft lullaby.
A sweet and bitter goodbye.
An I’m so sorry to friends and family.
There’s still a place where we can be.
I’ll try to be there.
When you ever feel the horror and the torture that somehow some people must bare.
I know all about the suffocation of life and how it makes your body and mind feel too old.
Your cramping muscles too sore and your inside too cold.
No way to calm it down but I will somehow change it cause I must.
It’s something I do for me and something you have to trust.
Because there’s no other way and it won’t go away.
Even when I dance in a trance.
I need no more torture.
No more torture.

Death is a strange thing.
Death is living.
When life is torturing.
Whisper sweet lullabies as I’m crying, as you’re crying.
Please understand, I’m never leaving because I’m never leaving you forever.
And I care but it’s so dark and merciless here that it gives me a fever.
One I can only escape in a sweet lullaby.
In a sweet bitter goodbye.
Goodbye, goodnight, I love you, feel the sparkle, feel the warm embrace from behind.
I’m never gone you’ll find.
It will be another night for a moth lying on its side with its arms and legs on its side.
Wings covering its tiny body.
Exhausted and weary, feverish and a tickling cough.
Can’t keep eyes open, can never fully drift off.

Finding your way every single day.
A game to play and a love to stay.

Strategy, tragedy.
A darkness all over me.

A love too strong to deal with.
Playing games to deal with life.

Honesty, personality.
**** me, love me, believe me, believe my story, I’m sorry.

A game we both play.
Untill the harness and garments fall away.

Let me in deep inside.
Or just be all over me.

You have to accept what you can’t change.
And try to make your way through it.
This world can imprison you and not set you free for so long that it feels as if you died.
And you feel it so deeply it’s now a part of your journey.

The opposite of freedom.
That’s what this world can feel like.
The balance for when you are out of here.
So when you are free you know what it’s like to be stuck.
To work hard, to suffer so bad.

You know what it’s like.
And I hope it makes it all worth it then when you’re free so you enjoy it well.

Stuck in transition.
Don't guide me.
I'm not like any of the things you show.
I'm all the colours which makes me darkness, heavy and ill.
Around here I can't function.
All I do is keep on trying.
Just to make it ok enough to last a little longer.
I wish everything would fall away alltogether.
So that would be my que to leave.

I'd run and fly as fast and far away to a place where I feel ok.
Still also keep on fighting from there for this to never happen
to anybody ever again!
But I'm still stuck in transition now.
It hurts and gets extremely exhausting.
I may just break through this soon anyway.

Enough trying to make it right has been done and it will keep on hurting.
Don't guide me, I've asked for it before.
It brought me only to places of horror.
Only some good people that gave me so much magic in this world of pain and suffering.
But I'm not like any of the things you show.
The people I met seem to not be also but close to Blue Ray, I felt at least with one.

May they all find peace and destiny.
They don't need guidance, they are their own guides through life but they need love and peace.
To gather their strength.
It's too late for me now, I just need to leave when I can.
I'm all the colours which makes me darkness, heavy and ill.
Around here I can't function.

Why should I have to be positive to make it feel ok?
Let me just be me, it never feels right anyway.
I'm fighting on my own, trying to make the best of it.
But what if the world and I just do not fit?

I'm tired and everything aches when I'm alone.
Still going for walks and singing but I'm getting numb and never in the right zone.
When I'm with you I'm still trying even though it gets so freaking hard.
So love me hard even though I know it's hard and with me there's no moving forward.

I wish I could make a final decision.
End my mission.
I can't yet even though I want to so bad.
How can I ever be ready to go ahead?
Make it end forever.

And start something I don't remember or haven't seen yet ever.
I need to when I can.
Please be with me until then.
Then I'll always be with you.
No matter where I'll go to.

Don't tell me that I can change anything by changing my attitude.
My attitude is broken by this place and I can't break it again to somehow make it feel good.
Let me just be me.
You can't cure me with your stardust theory.

Like you can be in control.
By changing your own role.
And being ok within.
I can't shut off the world I'm in.

Actually it comes in hard as hell with Autism, OCD, being exhausted and depressed.
You can't shut it off even without these issues and if you could I'd be impressed.
So please let me be me and find my way.
And when I'm broken down again please try to love me anyway.

I'll always be a part of you and you're a part of me.
But nobody can cure me with any type of startdust theory.
A medication doesn't do it either, something needs to get out instead of being put in.
Let me do it my own way, that's actually how I find my strength within!