Something always brings my mind back to you.
And I'm unsure if it's to torture myself
or because I have nobody else to think about.

Or maybe it's because you were the first person
(I thought) that I loved.
But I was young(er) and (more) naive.
Although I am still those things
I'm old enough to know
all the people you want to stay
are always going to find reasons to leave.

It's been 3 years since we talked
and I'm finding it hard to remember
every little thing about you
that I once had memorized.

Like the sound of your voice
the feel of your skin
the scent of your clothes
or your taste on my lips.

I  have tried to erase every part of you.

The one thing I do remember though,
is giving you my heart
and watching you hold it in your hands-
not even glancing at it
as you dropped it and walked away,
never looking back.

And I still think about you?
What the **** is up with that?

Everything around me
reminds me how lonely
I really am

tv shows,
restaurants,
long car rides

and my empty bed.

I spent the first hours of the new year
laying on the floor of a guest bedroom,
drunk,
listening to you tell her how much you love her
closing my eyes
and wishing it was me.

My jealousy will always get the best of me.

I am so
completely
*******
irrelevant
and it's
bringing me down

and I know
I know that's
how you feel
because that's what
you tell everyone
when I'm not around.

Some days
I want to open my window
and throw my phone
as far as I can
and never talk to
any of those *******
ever again.



(Not like they'd notice the difference anyway.)

Sometimes at night
when I'm laying in bed
my mind won't shut off
and I get this weird feeling
                                             it's almost as if I'm sinking.

I close my eyes so tight
to try to shake this feeling
but my brain is playing reels
of film that are looping
in all the worst parts.

Then when I fall asleep
I have these dreams
where everyone just leaves me
and I try to shout out to them
but I wake up, my throat sore
almost as if I'd been screaming.

So I spend the next few hours
staring up at the ceiling
and I have this weird feeling
in my chest, in my stomach
and the only way I can
even try to describe it is-
                                         it's almost as if I'm sinking.