I wish you happy, playful feelings today
glow in the dark feelings
unicorn rainbow sticker feelings
the kind of gentle, innocent, inspiringly optimistic feelings I had when I kissed you goodbye on the cheek that time after you told me to stay on my side of the car but I snuck that kiss in anyway because I just couldn’t help it and I thought it would be sweet and encouraging

also, I want to have *** with you feelings
I’ll throw in some of those too

I’ve been breaking records my whole life
but I’m not talking about me this time

I have all these straws
colorful pretty glass straws
delicate and lovely and sustainable
I like to organize and admire them

I wonder which is the last

I decided to forget all the things I don’t want to believe
And remember only the things that make me feel good
Just for a little while
To be happy
Like maybe
just this week

when I was 9, I was in an abusive relationship with a gymnastic center
they didn’t care if you were hurt, tired, sick
they didn’t care if you were scared
or unable to safely perform high degree of difficulty moves
these were the days of Kerri Strugg vaulting to gold on a broken ankle
I spent hours a day in that gym, four to six days a week during the summer
I competed, I won ribbons, trophies, medals
I had boxes of these things
too many to set on a shelf or hang on a wall

when I wanted to switch gyms
my mom made me go in by myself to tell them
I was 9
the mean old lady in the office who smelled like smoke and death told me no
I don’t remember her logic
only that she emphatically told me I couldn’t quit
I don’t remember how I responded
with meek fear, I imagine
I did leave that day though, never to return
it would be 3 more years before I left the sport altogether
with destroyed knees and emotional trauma
I was supposed to go to college on gymnastics scholarships
my parents had invested
they almost moved the whole family to another state for a gym that boasted Olympic athletes
quitting was the hardest thing I had ever done
walking away from abuse is never easy
even less so for a child whose life was defined by bullying, manipulation, and emotional neglect
I remember my coach asking me once if I’d eaten a whole pizza and gallon of milk the night before
I was too young to understand why he was asking but the disdain came across clearly

my dad never spoke to me about quitting
I could only imagine the disappointment

I’m used to a lack of support
judgement, criticism, bullying
I have more memories of those coaches and kids than my parents and sister,
they started me at 3, I joined the competitive team at 7, and the other girls were years older than me
I’m used to feeling alone and facing things alone
I’m used to emptiness
I’m used to one sided relationships and keeping things to myself
I’ve rarely felt anything else
there were brief interludes
a relationship in high school, a good boss for a few years
but I don’t feel strong today
I don’t feel independent in a healthy way
lately I just feel tired
my heart hurts
and life seems too long

the storm of pain blows easily away
a simple prayer for healing
and an open heart  
but when the clouds clear
the sun appears singing of your face
the light is filled with you
as was the empty darkness

it’s confusing to pray for release
when happy and sad are the same thing
what does healing look like?
maybe loving you
but letting you go anyway
dear galactic mind
what is acceptance?

isn’t this what you wanted?
for things to be as they are?
for me to forget everything?
and be just your subject?
haven’t you got everything?
everything you ever wanted?

the farther away I get from him
the better I feel
and I realize
what is right
for me
is this what you feel?

because I don’t need


anyone

the solar system is spiraling
towards a new constellation
creating new wonders

I can feel my heart beating
pulsing
pounding
just not in my chest

I cannot sleep
I am greatly concerned with matters of equity
and social justice
plus, there is a St. Patrick’s Day sale
on wireless remote control vibrators

the peas are delicious
and perfectly sweet
they are my gardens
most delightful treat
pretty yellow flowers
and crunchy plump pods
vines swirling up
tendrils reaching for the gods
heavenly peas
fresh and new
I hope you don’t mind
I’m going to eat you

the captive audience is getting anxious
they are looking for the exits
they are feeling tricked

I never know what to do
with my hands
someone please tell me

I enticed
I teased
I begged
I pleased

I yelled
I waited
I talked
I stalked

I sang
I danced
I ran

I smiled
I cried
I lived
I died

I came
I went
I loved

let go your entropic self
and curl like a resting cub
in the gentle flame of your love

ooo! I’m being “boosted”!
maybe I’ll have a date this Friday
or maybe I’ll have a gardening accident
maybe a meteor will land in the ocean
or maybe I’ll just dance naked in the dark
like I usually do
anything could happen

I realized the other day, I always wash that arm first
with the scrubby
trying to exfoliate the scars away
it’s worked
you can barely see anything there
except when my skin gets hot and wet
and turns pink in the shower
then, ever so faintly
the spidery red lines can be seen
like the disintegrating roots
of some old dead tree

my dog hates the dishwasher
the dishes go in yummy
and come out completely tasteless

I’m jumping! I’m jumping!
I’m flipping and twisting!
I’m jumping!
I’m old

I have a feeling dating in my 40s
is going to be like buying new earrings
I’ll have to remember not to get too attached

if I drink enough
I can’t stop crying
which is such a relief
from the rage

I’m hearing a tone
it’s emanating from the molecules that make up my brain
resonating all around me
a gentle synthesized chord
it’s really beautiful and feels amazing
or it could be a tumor

the smoke passes over my lips
as you once did
the present and the past confer
as legislators
on important matters
of global concern

don’t stop
don’t think
don’t feel
just move

Monday is dragging me
rudely
towards Tuesday

I used to be so afraid of losing you
silly, since I didn’t have you
didn’t have a chance of navigating your minefields
I’m not afraid anymore
I’ve given up
if fate exists,
I’ll let her take care of it

in the meantime
I have happy places to find
I will share them with you

the kitty stretches
lithe across her feather bed
she’s ready for belly rubs and head scratches
purring contentedly in her oasis of pillows and toys
she dreams, paws twitching
her mischievous kitty dreams

if you try to speak to me
I will run and hide in the dense thickets
peeking out curiously
as you call

my eye is a giant boil
aching with vision
or lack
clouded with hurt
and denial
my eye is red and burning
it’s mate cannot relate
pressure grows
the dry burning orb
begs for release
if only it could cry
or scream
louder

I like other planets
I can be imaginary anywhere
and I would like a vacation

do you know what non duality is?
well, I think you should
because it is the future
of science, technology, philosophy
get on board
or be left behind

the rabbit hole is deep and has many warrens
one could spend a lifetime exploring
which is what I’m doing
but you will still only experience a tiny fraction
good thing we get so many

ah well
you know where to find me

it’s hard to breathe today
hard to move
get up
just get up
one foot
another
another
just get up
you can do it
you can

Why are you sad? he asked
What can I say?
It hurts.
I’m sad because it still hurts.

Who would you tell?
And what?

I organized my sweaters by color this morning
I feel much better now

we’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl
year after year
running over the same old ground
and how we found
the same old fears

thank you for everything you took
thank you for everything you gave
thank you for everything

nothing hurts (much)
the light is bright
things are in order
and clean (relatively)
I think I even feel a bit happy
I’m smiling anyway
it’s a day of peace
and gratitude
so far
the first 30 minutes of it anyway

I don’t know who you are
but you never had a chance
no sir
are you crazy?
I’m not a pile of seed left out for the birds

the day doesn’t know
whether to rain or shine
it’s ok day
I’m having trouble too
keeping my kite in the sky

I am the queen
with a hungry guillotine
come closer

my dog is trying to meld his body into mine
perhaps he thinks he can protect me from the dangers inside as well as out

tiny yellow flowers are winking at me
very slowly

every morning they get started
like a long slow yawn
stretching
stretching
stretching
their little petals wide

around midday they’re open and alert
looking around curiously at their neighbors
the grass
and saying hello to me on my lunch break

then they get sleepy
starting to close up shop at dusk
good night now, they sing softly,
sweet dreams
closing
closing
closing
their delicate lashes as the sun slips away

the daily blink

I used to think I had the key
or I could find the key
or make the key
but he told me
there is no key

he’s a cutie
with his sweet smile and boyish looks
who holds his hand at night?
who kisses him goodbye in the morning?
I’m very concerned about this
everyone needs these things

sometimes people want you to be angry
they feel a kind of acknowledgment
or empowerment
if you happen to not get angry
it can be a great offense
a sign of your apathy
rather than an expression of your own mechanism
for coping with pain

I’ve been on both sides of this equation
so I know
anger can be a gift
if you know how to give it