I used to be so afraid of losing you
silly, since I didn’t have you
didn’t have a chance of navigating your minefields
I’m not afraid anymore
I’ve given up
if fate exists,
I’ll let her take care of it

in the meantime
I have happy places to find
I will share them with you

this is maybe a funeral
no, the party after the funeral
that cool people say they want
instead of a funeral
because they don’t want people to be sad
which is stupid but
someone dropped acid in the punch
to help things along
and we are pretending you’re still here

we have a backlog of requests
we are waiting for response

a little bit at a time
until there is just enough
of someone you want

you are a carbonation that never goes flat
and you are shaking inside me

there were balloons today
flying into the sky
no one was holding them
they dodged and bounced in the breeze
colors weaving and streaming
I think they were laughing

the exosphere
is the last bit of matter
the gravity can hold onto
before slipping out into space
alone
it’s the thinnest skin
separating one world
from the void between worlds
it feels like pins and needles
when interplanetary molecules are trapped
and celestial molecules break free
it feels like freedom and death
it feels like waking up

my memory is like DNA
there’s some really important stuff in there
the rest of it is just junk

I want love
I want peace
I want myself
Only

I’m a sieve
I feel everyone
her, him, you, him, her
it’s hard to parse
which one is me
am I one?

being a mirror for someone
doesn’t make you any friends

I see the light again...
it’s mine

I don’t need to say anything
You don’t need to say anything
That’s how it is now

as punctuation goes
there’s something intimate
about a period
so much wrapped in that little orb
endings to the left
beginnings to the right
a tiny dense anchor
between two thoughts
holding them together
keeping them apart
it has a big job
the period
I bet sometimes
it doesn’t know where it belongs

It’s nice to no longer feel that I owe you
But I could’ve afforded so much more

and she jumped out of bed
with love and dance
and your face

I’m feeling different, better
sure, there’s still the debilitating emotional vulnerability, but not nearly as bad
and I feel peaceful, accepting
almost zen

course I did just go to the gym

I felt the same
when you were gone for so long
I got used to it,
was disturbed when you reappeared
I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have followed you
it’s just, we were going the same way

I’m full of whimsy and imaginary friends
we are dancing and smiling and feeling good
we are holding hands and feeling safe
we are making the life until the life is made

dogs are nice
dogs are fun
they like to chew and *** and run
dogs are sweet
you know it’s true
the only thing better

is a person who loves you and who you love and you don’t want to ****** each other and you make each other laugh and have great *** and do cool stuff together and they think your kid is awesome and you think their kid is awesome and you live happily ever after and also you have antigravity boots

you did my thing for a while
then I did your thing for a while
(sorry I wasn’t so good at your thing)
but I figure it’s my turn now again anyway

****, I just realized
I’m going to be horribly depressed
in two weeks
I knew I shouldn’t have done this
I had such progress
the greatest progress in the history of progress

but then I remembered
his fuzzy warm face
slender fingers
the angle of his smile
and then there was no one else
again
so here I am

I know, I know
you want me to chill
face reality
get my **** together
or something
Ima do that
next week

is this like that time
I asked if you had ***** problems
or that time I called you a scary stranger
or is it like that time
I accidentally
had *** with Philip
a few times

I’m over sensitive
and insecure
but easy to please

Giant monsters
House monsters
Dismemberments
Gory car accidents
Decapitations
Forest monsters
Shadowy faceless figures following me
Falling off cliffs
Falling off tightropes
More monsters of assorted types
Sharks
Sea monsters
****** torturing me (I’m not Jewish)
Burning chemicals in my eyes
Being shot in the chest

Also, I was naked in school a few times
but that wasn’t really scary

I was not made for this reality
they tried a cross over from a different one
to like, mix it up a bit
that’s my excuse

what’s yours?

all my old haunts
are too intimate
I probably shouldn’t go back
I definitely shouldn’t
but I already did

it’s a little bit safe, though
since it’s just in my mind and
I don’t have your number anymore

Mercury is in Aquarius
just so you know
it does not bode well, for people like me
AND it goes retrograde later this month
then Venus... jeez don’t get me started
I may not pull through

drugs were looking for people
following them around in small bubbles
attaching to them like static electricity
I kept moving away
even though it was a party
they freaked me out
couldn’t the others see them?
they were like parasitic entities
with consciousness and will
looking for victims
looking for toxic symbiosis
looking for a reason to exist
looking for a reaction
looking for—
I woke up

I wore a short blue dress
it matched my eyes
and my body
it was quite glamorous
quite ****
I wonder, why was I feeling so fancy
in my dreams last night?

has been upstaged
by you

my lungs lost their balance
they are swish swashing around
forgetting how to breath
they are exclaiming, whooah-oh!
and falling down
like little kids playing in the sand

I remember once you joked I was bipolar
And I was like, hmmm maybe you’re right
And you said, no no no, I’m just joking,
you’re not

Now I know, really, I’m not
I have chemical proof
But
Something is not right
I’m not sure but
I think something
is just not right

I decided to forget all the things I don’t want to believe
And remember only the things that make me feel good
Just for a little while
To be happy
Like maybe
just this week

I let your technicolor gaze alight
stealing mirrored glances into your night
to catch your red hands in my site or
swallow you whole in my hungry bite

what say you now, gentle bandit
as you hold my heart strings tight
shall we run further away from this
or indulge our dangerous delight?

I saw you peeking
from different times
and different places
I saw you peeking
with different names
and different faces
you had a crooked witches window
from a crooked little world
you flew through with crooked fingers
to steal a wistful frozen girl

she’s settled now, in your arms
and sweetly in your dreams
yet trapped with someone else somehow
or so it forlornly seems

Do I love you?
Of course, of course I do.
It’s ok if you don’t exist.
Neither do I.

she is ok, I think
she went back to her safe place
you’re there too, she said
everyone is
it’s very lovely, I hear

I do not have a vacancy
which is ok
because I have no reservations

it can’t be forgotten
or washed away
only hardened in the throat
a stone held, until let loose
in whispered resolution
and gentle remorse, or with

wild broken screams
cursing faceless floods that carry love away

many things are lost in a flood
spread thin, buried, left
an old photograph, a cracked teapot
a shattered mirror
   forever loved
but never restored

if we may, let us choose no reserve
before time breaks the patient ****
and erases the peaceful course

until I wake up
you’ll do

I wish there was someone to enjoy it
Soft warm silent creature
Smooth pinkish sigh

How I love your eyes
Sleepy heavy lidded
**** eyes
I like where they look
The way they look
I like the way you look

My brain isn’t trying to make sense anymore
My heart clings to the feeling it wants
I am frozen in your winter

It’s just
I can’t do anything from here

the pain of imperfection
the pain
and mystery
of you
is in my future
you are in my future
I know this
can taste it
you are
you will be
the sweet enduring pain
of my salvation