and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

Listen

I know I'm not
What most would see to be sane

But you see
I don't see
How faking a love of romance and passion
And beautiful things

Can truly be so bad
If it's the only way he'll stay

Best Friend of my universe
The only person
I couldn't imagine a world without

When he laughed
And then nearly cried

"I don't love you anymore"

I saw the pools of hurt arise
I knew right then his words, all lies
And knew that this was my last

Chance

To keep him in my life
And as I'm selfishly afraid
Of being alone again
I took it

"I was afraid"
I swallow my self loathing away
"Because I love you"

The hope swells, he smiles wide
Laughing, he grabs my hands

"I knew you loved me"

Pang, I shut off my emotions
As he grasps my *******
And slobbers his lips on my own

Boom, my head beats in disgust
Goosebumps rising in panic
My every nerve ending wanting to run
I smile at him when he says

"Tell me you love me"

I feel bile rise, why do I do this?
Is flinging my clothes to the floor
As he leads me to my bed
The necessity to keep my last Friend?

****, why do I do this
Again and again?
Self destruction behavior, big surprise

Right?

But I swear I've never stooped so low
But I've never felt so alone
But I can't recall loving a man
But I've never rejected lust
But with him the touch is rough
But now I'm 3 months pregnant
But it's with a person I choose
But he thinks all this touching is normal
But I can't seem to ever say no

"I love you too"

I refuse to loose you my friend
Not ever again
No matter the cost

my mother always told me i was too giving
but she doesn’t realize she made me that way
she gave everything away
even my name

my mom wanted to name me eviana
my dad wanted to name me zara
but my sister wanted a sister named olivia
so my mom gave that to her

she always told me it was okay to give
but to a certain extent
she told me
it’s okay to be a giver
you don’t need to receive every time
but sometimes
you should

i was 15 when i gave a boy almost every part of me
and even when he left
he hardly gave one piece back

i was 6 when i wrapped my brothers birthday gift
he was turning ten
i used two rolls of tape
when he opened it he laughed
you can’t give me a gift that i gave you
and so i replied with
why not?

i was 12 when i came home with a report card
with two C’s on it
i thought i did good
so i gave it to my father
and he didn’t even glance at me
he exhaled
and asked me why i couldn't be like my sister

every time i go out with friends and the check comes
i’m the first to grab it
it’s just a meal or a drink
it’s not a big deal
until one day we’re at dinner
and i'm two dollars short
"can someone spot me on this one?"
and everyone stays silent
that’s when its a big deal

i spent the majority of my life giving
and hardly receiving

but that’s not what my mother taught me
it took me years to realize that my mother taught me to be a giver
but not everyone has my mom to teach them that, too

Can we turn days into new beginning?
Can we mix up colours of life and put into painting?
Can we bring back time when there's no pain?
Can we be friends, again?

Can we dance to the tune of life together?
Can we take life's steps without fear?
Can we leave what's unbearable to find new gain?
Can we be friends, again?

Can we take away all those gloomy remnants of the past?
Can we rewrite a new story that will last?
Can we build bridge of friendship despite our differences?
Can you take chances?