I dive
Icy Waters
Come as a shock
New beginnings
Never Easy
But I'd rather struggle
Than be stagnant
The Joy in starting over.

Broken Pictures
Of seemingly happy moments
Along stretched hallways
Battered family
Bruised Bones
Screams Echo
Throughout my memories
The Song of Myself

My conscience is loud
yet my voice never comes,
It's disarming what dependency can do, altering your character,
until you are simply a character,
weaving falsities into strands of fools gold, until you're living in an armor
of the emperors new clothes.

I swore to myself,
that I would never again be this person, the one with my finger
on the self destruct button,
but sliding down the hill
comes much easier than climbing.

And at the bottom,
numbness awaits me,
making me fearless.

I feel the cold wash over me,
goosebumps all throughout my being,
as the waves begin to rise.  

She covers me,
salty yet sweet,
and everything makes sense.

The meaning of life in a pretty peach casing.

I am Invincible.

I am Oblivious.

She peaks and soon crashes,
repeatedly against me,
making me feel like the world could end and I wouldn't even think to care.

But what at first seemed exhilarating, wears on me to no end,
the buildup and constant let down.

She's lost her novelty,
and with that,
the numbness fades.

Sobering up for long enough to realize,
I am the definition of insanity.

Inviting you back in so often,
I no longer have defenses against you.
You snuck into my priorities without me ever noticing.
Like that song you hate so much but can't help to sing.

Will I ever get rid of your tune in my head?

Will I ever be able to say no when you call?

You've always been there,
this idea of something I've always craved,
even in the times when I've tried my hardest not to think of you,
you were always tucked away in the corner of my heart.

Nothing and no one has ever changed that,
no matter what amount of effort they put forth,
you were the bar that I'd set in my mind,
and no one could ever get over that.

I suppose it was fair for them,
to force me to keep my distance from you,
since you are the center of my gravitational pull.

I can't help it,
and as much as I try to fight it at times,
the fact  is I really don't want to.

There's something that feels too right,
when my fingertips are wandering along the edges of you,
when you grab my hands,
or in the rare moments that I get the pleasure of your lips on mine.

Those moments that I get lost in,
the kind you want to hide away in a box,
for sad days when you need something beautiful,
to make the world make sense.

You just make sense to me.

"It's a mystery of human chemistry, and I don't understand it, some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home"

Maybe that's what scares you,
and I get it because sometimes,
it is ******* terrifying to me that every time I leave  you,
I can't shake the idea of you for days at a time.

If at all.

But I've stopped caring,
I'm throwing my hands up to this hopeless cause,
but I'll play the game...

Carefully treading around this like a minefield,
Waiting for the inevitable blast,
The self destruction caused by us finally coming together,
Knowing what is happening and laughing it off in jest,
Because I know what's at stake,
and it's too much to gamble on bad timing.

So I'll stand on the sidelines,
in anticipation of the day,
that your ready to build memories and not just moments,
and enjoying every second I have with you in the meantime.

Because sometimes...
you look at me like I'm the only thing that exists in this world,
and I feel everything else fall away.

And even if the occasions are few and far between,
in my mind this/you will always be worth the wait.

Walking the tight rope of what could be,
she's captured me,
unknowingly,
and pulled me into her world.

At this point,
I would normally cling,
to any sense of constancy and normality,
that I could find to stay grounded.

Feeling my fingers bleed,
as I try to hang on to the edge of this cliff, anything I can do,
to maintain the composure I find in solitude.

But there is something about this,
about her,
that allows me to free fall without fearing,
"what happens when I becomes we?"

A sweetness in her smile,
and a light in her eyes,
that envelops me in a warmth,
I have yet to feel in a lifetime filled,
with chills and dark spaces.

She is the calm within my storm,
the moment I was waiting for,
and although it takes me by surprise,
every time I think about how willing I am
to take this dive,
the idea of my life before her,
makes me wonder if I've ever really felt alive...

Because there simply is no comparison,
to the feelings that swell,
when I find myself lost in these moments with her, the energy,
so clearly tangible,
It builds a world around us,
that nothing can penetrate...

No matter how often I see her,
the memories are enough fuel to keep me,
A parachute as I fall,
knowing that even when I hit the bottom,
she will be there,
waiting with open arms.

The sound of my own voice pains me,
repeating in my head constantly.

Telling me what a failure I end up,
at the end of each day,
and closing my eyes never makes it go away.

An obsessive hum,
inside my mind,
Telling me to leave,
And leave everything behind.

To wander aimlessly,
Until the whole world forgets,
I can end the pain and suffering,
Without feeling any regret.

The thought to lash out,
at every single word,
and the reason in me Screaming back,
to remind me that it's absurd.

I've developed an abusive relationship,
Between me myself and I,
Beyond the point of numbness,
Unable to cry.

Feeling beyond feeling,
Can't shake the weight on my chest,
Fearing that I might wake,
As soon as I attempt rest.

I fear in fact,
the true culprit of most ends,
is no disease or accident,
no suicide or overdose;
but that moment,
when it becomes reality:
We will not achieve the dreams we had set out our whole lives to accomplish.
The moment we know that we can't care for our loved ones forever.
The second we realize all hope is lost and our heart unfortunately,
yet inevitably,
Breaks and Bursts for a final time.
The whispers of our hopes and dreams echoing out into eternity.
Into lives past, forward, and parallel
to being fulfilled in other times...
And once again,
We are Lost and Wandering.