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Night Sky Mar 2020
I don't have the energy to hurt over you anymore
It's only been three days
And I'm more exhausted than I ever knew I could be
More exhausted than completely exhausted

My heart hurts
I don't know if that's the
160 mg of caffeine I drank this morning
To help me get through the day because I only slept two hours last night
Because I was crying for five over you

Or if that's the
the way you made me hold your hand this morning
so that I wouldn't hurt myself
Just because I was talking to you face to face

Or maybe its because
You called me "Love" again over text
right after the last class of the day ended
and spun me into yet another
anxiety attack, just by existing and calling me a term of endearment

I don't have the energy to hurt over you anymore
but I'm letting myself
I'm texting you, and I don't know why
But it's only been three days and I am so SO exhausted
Night Sky Mar 2020
Tonight's method
Of self-inflicted pain
is a new one.
A nail file
against my knuckles
sawing back and forth at the skin
hoping for even a drop of blood
To show that
I AM REAL
I am alive...
Because I need a sign, something besides the tears...
I can't find the pencil sharpener
So
Tonight's method
Of self-inflicted pain
is a nail file
Against my knuckles. Backandforthbackandforth
No blood yet...
keep going
Night Sky Mar 2020
Four days before you broke up with me
you emailed me
"I love you a lot I love you so so so so so so so so much"
No, that's not an exaggeration
That is exactly what you said
I fell so hard for you

Three days before you broke up with me
you told me
"I only want you"
and I said that I only wanted you
And god, I did
I do.

Two days before you broke up with me
You said I wasn't your second choice
and that you "never wanted" me "to feel that way"
And I apologized
for feeling
and telling you exactly what I was feeling

One day before you broke up with me
you kissed me
and smiled
And I smiled right back at you
But I sobbed that night because
she posted about you

The day you broke up with me
We sat next to each other
And we smiled
while my friend recorded us
being simply happy
and in love

Four hours before you broke up with me
You made out with me
I wore your hat
and you gave me three
Blue Raspberry Jolly Ranchers
and laughed at my blue tongue

When you broke up with me
You cried
Looked me in the eyes
and said
"I can't say I see a future with you"
So I stood up, walked away, eyes dry

And sobbed when I got home.
And sobbed the next day.
And sobbed two days later.
And wrote this poem
while sobbing
Because I needed to tell someone

Eight hours after you broke up with me
You told me you still loved me
But you hadn't seen a future with me
recently
How long has it been? Since you love her more
I think I'm going to hurt myself

Are you reading this?
Fevaeaiky?
not doing too well
Night Sky Mar 2020
You asked
Why I continue this relationship
If it hurts

You asked that.
Seriously.
Seriously?

Why do I continue?
Because I love you
******* it

I love you and I can't stop loving you
And if I had to leave you I think I'd die
I wouldn't **** myself
That's not what I mean
I just can't stand the thought of life without loving you

I hate that you've made me this way
I hate that I've become this way
But
This is who I am now.... I guess

****
I hate you
But I love you so ******* much

Is this hell?
Night Sky Mar 2020
Times like these
when I've sent a text like that
or thought something
or felt a certain feeling
When I
slip into oblivion
and start to use words like "Oblivion"
Are the times
when
I can't believe I
ever
helped anyone feel better

Of course, I know I have
If I hadn't
I would not have quite so many friends
And I've read the conversations
The "Thank you"s and "I love you"s and the "That was exactly what I needed"
texts
I've read them
I remember getting them
Feeling like I had helped someone

but at Times Like These
I don't know how I ever helped anyone
When I feel so dark
So alone
I don't know how I ever pulled that sunshine out of me
To give to them

Maybe that's why
Maybe I gave all my sunshine
to all the people I've helped
but at Times Like These
I don't have any left for myself

I wouldn't mind if that was how it worked
I'd still give my sunshine freely
I would just appreciate knowing that was how it worked
So I could keep
just a sliver

for Time Like These
Night Sky Feb 2020
For all the things I never said but should have
For all the silences I let dictate my life and never overtook
For all the nothing I never filled
And for all the times I could have made it better
But settled for different
Night Sky Feb 2020
i just realized
how much anxiety
the numbers on the clock
really give me
i feel like i never have enough time anymore
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