I feel like I'm floating
More like free falling
Down down down
Into the darkness of the ocean
No, it's not water though
It's more like sand
Coating my throat with each inhale
Sinking slowly into the cold
Until my heart starts to beat again
As I remember who I am
As I remember what's important to me
This internal heat
Offers me the strength
To crawl through the shadows
Slide between thick layers of oppressive particles
Until my hands break free
Into the sweet clean air
I cannot taste it yet
But I know it's there
Patiently awaiting my return
To the world
To myself
To living

I may not be there yet
But I know one day I will be

It begins as a beige cylinder
Atop a slightly smaller beige cylinder
Upheld by a flat foundation
A beige circle
Equal in size
To one side of the smaller cylinder
Spin spin spin
With gentle fingertips
Until I reach 3/4 of an oval
Attached to the larger cylinder
Instead of closing on itself
It fuses with the wall
Melting into one piece
Speckled with black scrapes
And brown stains
Proof of its use
In ways intended by its creator
And maybe a few that weren't

I walk around these places
Trans-centric spaces
Yet I don't feel like I belong
I know that
I look like them
And based on my reading
I feel like them too
Though I still have this sense
That I somehow do not count
I am not quite enough
I feel without a place
Maybe because last time
I was at a trans art show
And my art lives in words
Not in images on canvas
Just another piece of me
That doesn't quite feel
Real enough or
Good enough
To be taken seriously
And I know
I know
This all boils down to
The way I treat myself
But I'm trying
I'm trying
Some things just take time

Trans
Enough?
I am
Trans,
Am I
Enough?
Others
Accept me
I've experienced
Little
Rejection
Not like
Others have
Yet
I
Still
Feel
Like I
Am Not
Trans
Enough

I sit in front of the tv
Brainwashed into thinking
That this monotonous existence
Constitutes living
I feel my mind screaming
For something more engaging
Instead of the useless stuff
Seeping from my screen
Sometimes the only breaks I take
Are just me looking from that screen
To another smaller version in my hand
I feel exhausted emotionally
Unable to engage in many things
But I refuse to give these screens
This kind of power over me
I am a human being
Not a lifeless creature
I need to find something better
To break this habit that's killing my creativity
It's killing my energy
My motivation
My attention span
And I will not have it
Not anymore
I will find something more satisfying
More promising in engagement

And then I wonder
Is this what it was like
When books were first written?
Or is this unique to electronic media?

Tis the season of Christmas music
So I decided to check on Pentatonix
Excited to see a new album out
I delve into it a month early
Whenever I hear them singing
I love and appreciate the art
But a part of me craves that one album
Because I know it'll bring me back

It was an interesting point in my life
I loved a girl who loved me and
I asked her dad for his blessing that month
Her homophobic mom invited me to their dinner
I finally felt more accepted
Even though it was super awkward
We were really happy at that point
I honestly don't know what changed
I don't regret it so much as I don't understand

But I do know that Christmastime
Has been extremely difficult ever since
We spent a few weeks at her dads house
In the middle of nowhere
We cut our own Christmas tree and
I bonded with her dad with call of duty
Our sweet kittens played together
And we got a much-needed break from school

It's hard to look back at that time
My heart hurts even though the memories are positive
I miss her a lot sometimes
Mostly because I feel as though
That relationship was unfair to her
I was emotionally unavailable
But I didn't know it
And I know she messed up too but
We both made mistakes in it all
I just sometimes wish I had had
The tools needed to address the problem

I didn't know what was happening
I didn't know what I was feeling
I knew I was unhappy and hurting
But I didn't understand why
I think what's hard about this one
Is that I can retroactively label it all
Unfortunately that doesn't actually match
All of the things that I said back then
I was cruel to her
Because I knew it'd make her let me go
And I needed to be alone and free
But I chose a twisted path to get there
And for that I'm sorry