When I was a kid
I used to lip-sync in the mirror
Dancing around and
Breathing in the words
Even back then
Nothing inspired me more than music
Interestingly though
It could only be songs by men
I could still jam to women's songs
But I couldn't watch myself do it
It gave me a lot of anxiety to see
Those beautiful feminine voices
Matched to the way my mouth moved
I didn't understand it back then

I'm very grateful for
The progress I've made
And that I can realize now
Just how much
I allowed people to use me
Without seeing them
Doing anything wrong
It was always an issue with me
I either wasn't enough or
I was everything
Used only one way

She acted like she loved me
But ever since high school
All I was to her
Was a good **** and
A solid support system
Reliably there when she needed me
A schedule she chose herself
Said I was the one who got away
I was probably just the safe choice
As she always came back
Trying to get in bed with me
Even when we both had boyfriends
And after rejecting her then
Radio silence

Or another one
She was never real with me
I don't think she knew herself
So she'd change per person
And she moved in with me
Fully knowing it was a bad idea
To her I was a nice guy
Which allowed her to use me
Manipulating my mentality
And trying to fit in everywhere
Using anything to get her way
Lying to everyone constantly
But if you're not being real
You're a piece in the wrong puzzle

And I really don't want to
Hold onto the past at all
So before you think I'm not over it
Please understand that
This is just reflection
Of my own mistakes too
In a way that helps me grow
Because I sure as hell
Will not let this happen again
I am worth so much more
Than what I can give to others
I am a person too
My feelings, thoughts, and choices
They're entirely my own
No one else can control them
Not anymore

This darkness encompasses me
As it claws up my spine
Digging it's nails between each vertebrate
Until it can slither between my ribs
Moving so smoothly
Like a slow, deliberate dance
Stability and chaos
Intertwining, touching
Darkness against light
A beautiful poison
Ripping holes in my lungs
Like acid on skin it eats away
At the soft tissues
Holding myself together
Carefully destroying
The portions of myself
That try to keep living
As each inhale enters
My body grips the fresh air
Refusing to release it
As my emptiness is filled with air
Pushing out all feelings with
The warmth of blood
And keeping me calm with
The sweet promise of death

I love myself
Even if I do not know them yet
I can learn and grow
And discover my truth

Time heals all pain
It will let me live again
I can accept that I cannot change
Into exactly who I want to be yet
Because I know one day it will happen
And I will be free from this trauma

But I must put in the work
I must be diligent with my time
Not must
This is a choice I am making
I choose to give myself time to heal
A space to be myself
And a chance to grow
A chance to be happy
And one day I will be

I take solace in knowing
That in a few hours
I get to choose
How much to bleed
How deep to go
I get to make the choice
And take control
Over this one thing at least

I want to feel the pain
I want to stain my arms
I am and deserve
Nothing
I am a broken human
Waiting to feel alive
Seeking high after high
In drug after person
After drug and
I am lonely but
I want to be alone
I don't want him to see me
See the ways I wish to bleed
Just let me be
Nothing
Until I become
A self-fulfilling prophecy

The savior
The perfect partner
The dominant
The free spirit
The fiancé
The parental substitute
The anarchist
The sweetheart
The nice guy
All of these aspects of myself
Yet none of them are fully me
These are the roles I've fallen into
In order to match my various partners
And though all of these may be
Different components of me
None of them feels quite whole
I do not feel whole

All of these personalities
Exist on a spectrum of time and space
None interacting with any others
Each signifies a distinct point in life
Each has its own home
It's own experiences
Attitudes and viewpoints
Behaviors and habits

Yet what do I do when
Two of my contextualized selves
Decide to overlap?
When my ex who knew the fiancé
Moves back to town where I live
As does my person
Who's heard stories of the others
But who only knows the nice guy

How do I begin to heal when
I do not understand what is real
And what existed solely for others?
How do I continue to grow
When the fiancé is fighting restraints
And the nice guy is exhausted
The sweetheart does not exist
And the anarchist screams for revolution?

They seem to be fighting each other
Just to have a chance to breathe
A chance to take the wheel
A chance to control "me"
Yet who even am I?
Are all of these selves fabricated
Or are they hyperbolized aspects of me
Connectable like puzzle pieces
Into one beautiful picture?

The problem is
The picture I see is not beautiful
I'm trying to be nice to myself
But all I see and feel is darkness
I am an abomination
An evil person who cannot be trusted
A dark soul inhabiting an empty body
A person who is not a person
A human with a lack of self
It's almost like I'm not even alive
But even death would be a relief
So I can finally end the confusion
And stop hurting people along the way

I think I'm afraid to lose you
Which is extremely ironic
Considering I'm the one who left
See I don't mean "lose you"
As in lose you from my life
I think it's more about your approval
Your desire
Your intensity
Your love
I want to be wanted and yes I know
It's super ******* up
I wish I understood it more myself
See, on a conscious level
I know I don't need you and that
I am not responsible for your choices
I am not involved in your life
And quite frankly I shouldn't be
Considering the mess my mind's in
Maybe my brain hasn't yet realized
That I've been without you for a year
And I've been doing fine
Maybe I only see my value
Reflected in the opinions of others
So I seek everyone's desire
Instead of my own acceptance
I don't understand
I wish I did
I wish I had the answers
Maybe one day this will all make sense
Maybe one day I won't be so sick
Maybe one day I can be me
Without fear
Without worry
Without anxiety
I just want to be happy
I just want to be free
I just want to be me
And know what that means