I think one of these days I might try to rhyme

I can smell my room
See the tree from the window
And the white underneath

I'm eating ice cream from a bowl
For the first time in a long time
How can I live to die
How have I shaped my life
For the sake of the state of death
I should leave it behind
Let myself listen to electronic music
And not feel guilty
Because it doesn't remind me of mountains

Known to be fond of soft things
I can't feel the mockery
How can they tell me I'm weak
When I have you in my arms

Everything that comes out
it is manipulative
it is lonely
I can't force the connection

exiting out of **** sites to google
life advice from morticians

here i am again
somehow eternally stuck in this position
scrubbing the guilt off your shoulders
as I pack my bags

I hope she knows
I do it all in fear of her

o god o let me find you
in this time where you are buried
so far beneath and
all I can hope to do is guard the soil
let me lay over the ice top
not to warm it from the outside
but to let my silhouette be present to you
you who are so far below
this premature hibernation
with no telling of when the ice will crack
and when the ice will break for you
you who are free on the inside
and I
trapped on the outside
I will be here the moment you return
I will be here every moment before then
If only to be a reassurance to you
beneath my feet like an earthquake that I know someday is bound to happen
even if there really is no telling
I know you are there and
I know that you will find me too

I miss your handprints
I'll see them again
to leave them all the same
This time once and for all
I have made you my home
Naive,
for I knew exactly how limited
our time together would be

I'm dreading our goodbye
Cold, stonely, backstage wall

Why do I desire
To be evil
Why do I seek
The fear of others
Why do I feel
No remorse

love doesn't know time
however death does

Why the ****
Would I miss you now
You, the one not from two years ago,
But three
The one before
The one that I'D left &
have stood behind that
for these three years
Why would I miss you now
Even if for a moment
What the ****
Was that feeling supposed to mean

why was I most murderous in my childhood
I was young and I was magical
and craved the taste of blood
like a wild woodlander
I'd think of myself that way
Now I'd laugh at the thought
my hands are only softer
meant for caressing the skin
of such a child's face

5th grade and I'm flying high
4th grade and I learn to write
For the second time
I don't know what it means
To reverse the order
But I know how to relapse
and lapse and lapse

I want to be punched
Any volunteers?

I think very often of our pain
I think very often. why can't we care for each other
What is it that stops us
What is it that holds me back from holding you and holding them
and what stops them from letting go
letting go
To give up
and give your hand
and live instead
and live with compassion

I've been saying "*******"
a lot more these days

I am the last of them
I am what remains
And only what remains
All those before me
Who walked besides me
And reside in me
If they saw now
What remained
I am sick of
To be continued
I am sick of
This nonsense

the prettiest notebook
i'd ever had
had the most pages torn out
witnessed my hope
and witnessed the worst
handed back to me now
i dont know how to feel

2:24am and I'm sobbing on the couch
I tell her about my road anxiety
And she consoles me in my dreams
Her presence isn't a ghost
And I know I'll be alright
Even if there isn't a way of knowing
I can pretend to forget my mortality
Tomorrow is a good time to tell her
I'll be gone for Colorado the rest of the week
That I fear I'll die driving up a mountain
Or crushed under a passing truck
I'll tell her I know that the fear is irrational
tell her what happened in Bryce Canyon when I was younger
And she will understand
Telling something reassuring
It isnt only in dreams
This is the truth
I'm sobbing on the couch
Pretending I can will my way into returning in one piece
Solely for her
To see her again
To see her at all
When this is finally over

At times I'm scared
by how much I like you

I'd rather evaporate

You are not the one
I'm supposed to be missing

I don't believe
In unconditional love
You don't love
Without expectation
Of something in return
Even if that expectation
Is the feeling it gives you
Rather than their feelings for you
I don't believe
That people will love
Selflessly
That is to say
I know I will never be loved
Because I will never be in a state
To offer

Grey shore
Stretched over the horizon
Where i am the only one
Above the surface
I am fated to dive
Fated to sink
Purposefully
Alone
The debris of my body
I only hope
Life may emerge from it

Futile
Futile
Shut up
Futile
Futile
Futile

It's starting to get to me
Starting to eat and dig at me
Starting to furrow

You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?

I want to make lifelong friends
And hold them close to my heart
I am grimly
And often preach my solitude
It is the strength I portray
In hopes of ironically drawing in
The affections of those who need
That sort of reliance

I've always known that I'd die unhappy
Ever since I accepted I would die at all
I don't know why or how
I just know
I'd be lying if I said it didnt hurt

I'm tired of being told
That wanting to be loved
Is childish

they told me my painting was ominous
While I was thinking
It was pretty self-explanatory

Forget my jacket
I want to feel the cold
I want to feel my mourning
From the air

i like the sound of it
i like to think its quiet
not as a stillness
but as a roaring tide
it shreds and it kills me under its collapse

this ****, now?
exactly how long has it been?

It's too much
I am not 'wholesome'
There is nothing whole
You say it like you're scraping
To devour my void

I've already died

Year of the cat
My anthem for letting go

you really don't know ****
do you

save me
cut me open

mother gets a call from my sister
I head to the bathroom
And scratch at my face
In my reflection
Nervous habit
Something else had been altered

Uh oh
That time of day