last night
I dreamt
that I got into
a fistfight
with Copernicus
because
he wouldn't agree
with me that
the universe seems
to revolve around
your smile

his palms are wide and his fingers square
his skin is so pale that you can see veins pumping blue underneath
& it makes the red torn skin on his knuckles stand out that much more

Don’t you dare go back to her—
After I walked through endless doors,
Searching for her shadow
And never finding more.

Each door I opened led nowhere—
No clue, no trace to hold her hand.
Yet you—
You get to touch her once again?

I waited through seasons,
Gathered petals just for her.
You walked her aisle empty-handed,
Still gave the smile I was breathing to deliver—
And failed.

I polished her silhouette each night,
Lit it in gold so she’d walk with pride beside me.
You brought her barefoot,
Only your hand raised in air—
And she came.

I dressed myself in ornaments,
Coats and suits—
You wore cotton and caught her gaze
Like it was meant for you.

I slicked my hair with layers of foam,
Wished her fingers through it just once.
You, with your effortless strands,
Felt her touch like it belonged.

I earned these four wheels
To show her the world.
You needed none—
She walked beside you anyway.

So maybe—
Maybe I didn’t mean it
When I told you not to go back to her.

It’s just—
My world shook.
My heart sank over
All the small things I couldn’t do.

I’m not angry.
Just jealous.

Jealous of you—
Who could break her heart
And still keep her soul.

While I—
Who mended it—
Was never chosen to fill that space.

I hate how many words I've wasted
Just thinking of you
How many poems pile
The washed away blood
In my bathroom tiles
Which have haunted me
Since I first spoke your name
A title so mistaken
It has a different ring to it
Nowadays

God I miss you; I miss every bit of you
But I have to let you go
Goodbye to the boy with soft fluffy hair and golden eyes
Goodbye to the boy I would’ve stayed up to any hour to be with
Goodbye to the boy who made me feel more than I ever have before
Goodbye to every piece of you that cared and every piece that ran from me

Goodbye to the boy with the angelic voice
Goodbye to the boy with the strategic mind
Goodbye to the boy who always knew how to hurt me
Goodbye to the boy whose smile made it better
Goodbye to the boy I cried for
Goodbye my love who never quite was “my” love
I’ll see you again one day

Still waters, deep,
surface like glass reflecting green above;
and below are trees, sky,
shadows, leaves, sunlight,
moving and motionless.
Here silent images shimmer now,
and - air breathing suddenly - break.
Unbidden feelings confuse
reality and fantasy.
Which is which?
Fantasy and reality confuse;
feelings unbidden break, suddenly breathing air;
and now shimmer images,
silent here, motionless
and moving....
(sunlight leaves shadows).
Sky, trees are
below - and above -
green, reflecting, glass-like surface.
Deep waters, still.

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i spent my childhood outside.
screams and rough slaps punctuated
dinner time, and the wind became a familiar feel.
“didn’t i want it? why would i act like that
if i didn’t? why would i misbehave, bare my teeth and bite  
if i didn’t want this?” pull the collar tight and watch me
beg for more. i whine out my forgiveness, waiting for a
drop of love, and i begin to wonder, what if this is love?
chained to a sharp, rusty fence, waiting for warmth,
i watch the sun go down. i am loved, my mother says.
i am safe, my mother says.  she locks the dog door.

i learned to slip by, padded paws across carpet,
trained my ears to know their voices, trained
fear into my heart, traced love into my heart,
but no reward awaited. no gentle touch, just
another chance to put my training to use. i
grew up, perfect and pristine in all the ways it
mattered. i grew up, colourful and careful, in
all the ways nobody noticed. it ached.

in the glow of rose vanilla candles, im pinned.
i lie in bed, hit after hit, asking for more, bleeding. i
come, and ask again. it feels good, shouldn’t it? why should it?
i smile, sobbing, and ask for more, until i cannot no longer, when i
come and come to, to soft caresses and carefully spoken coos.
this is love? i whisper. i am safe? i question. i embrace my neck.  
outside, the world sands down my past, icy and frostbitten.
i stay inside. it is warm, and there is no rusty fence to hold me
back, and as someone's arms surround me, i know
this is love.

in a way.