If you knew me you'd be able to tell
That something is wrong
Short and generic responses
Sometimes not saying anything
Any hint I'm not doing great?

Everything alright??

It took you long enough to ask.

You don't know loneliness
Until you've sat outside
In your car in the pouring rain
Because the house you live in
Isn't your home anymore
Until there's another woman
Where your mom once stayed
Until you hear her moving through the house
The way your mom did
Until you realize it's not a comfort to hear it
Something once so familiar
It's painful
A reminder that she's gone
Because it's not her
Not the one you want it to be
It's her replacement
Her wannabe
Your father's fiance
He forced into your life
Long before you were ready
You don't know loneliness
Until you'd rather sleep in your car
Than go back in that house you used to call home
When your family was whole

This is it
It feels like the end
Everything changes now
It's the last chance I'll have
To see you
The last goodbye
Let's make it last
Dance under the stars
By the fireside
Just once more
Hold each other closely
Feel your heartbeat against my chest
Pounding like it always does
This is the last night we have
Let's make it count
Count the stars illuminating the sky
Lay on the roof of my car
Wrapped together in a blanket
Be together in silence
This is it
It's almost over now
Putting out the fire
Gathering the blankets
Packing up my car
Here it goes
The last hug I'll ever get from you
I'm beginning to shake
I'm sobbing too hard
You can't seem to get me in your arms
Quite fast enough
Pulling me in tight
Holding me like you always do
Oh how I'll miss this
More than anything
This is it
Time to go now
I don't want to leave your warm embrace
You don't want me to go anywhere
But it has to be done
I have to go
It's the end of our time together
The last time I'll look into your eyes
And tell you that
I love you forever and always
We're both crying now
And we go our separate ways
I look back and see you doing the same
And we stand there for a while
Admiring each other
Memorizing every detail of the other
Holding on as long as we can
The sun starts to rise and I turn away
Not looking back again
This has to be the end
And I leave the parking lot
Speeding away so you can't catch me
All the way home
Our last night will always be my favorite
And I thought of you as I drifted to sleep
Knowing I wouldn't wake up again

There's a storm raging in my eyes
And with it comes a force so strong
It'll knock you off your feet
So be careful
I'll destroy you if you aren't
Don't get too close
It might blow you away
My misty gale

Let me tell you about my bad days
They pop up out of nowhere
In the middle of a laugh
Or maybe a joke
In the middle of an adventure
It just hits
Like running into a brick wall full force
Leaving me breathless
Gasping for just an ounce of oxygen
And it feels like running into a brick wall
Would hurt less
I lose all motivation to do anything
Wishing I could just lay back
And pretend I don't exist
Maybe have a plane fall out of the sky
Putting me out of my misery
Thinking every thought that has run
Through my head millions of times before
Every thought of death and pain
Every daydream of dying over and over
Sixty different ways
Sometimes with no idea why
All of this pain out of nowhere
For absolutely no reason
Hoping someone might see it and recognize
Pull me away from depression's cold grip
These are bad days
They are not beautiful they are dark
Cold, bleak, filled with pain
Don't romanticize it or wish for it
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

What came about in a time of wandering.
The consolation  getting  me by was
     knowing  it would  end,
I could  go back
  I could  go  back  to how it was
    I could  go back to how it was when I remember  happiness  
      I could  go  back  to  how it was when I remember  happiness  
           although  the time,
     then,
     was not.
Coming home to where I am safe
and where I can  be  anywhere  but  here.

I got by in dreaming  of stories  to  tell  
that  reflect  where  I  have  been,
where a path of solitude  crossed  theirs
and voice  where  I fear  most  in going.
I busied my mind  in the folds of the concepts,
and I was not afraid.
I came to  where  I knew I would  
but still I can't  stop  wandering.
The house  is here, and  I  am  inside  
but both  of  us  are  empty.
I know  the  stories  that haunt these halls
even  though  I could  lose my mind  entirely
wondering  what they mean.

Is it common
Am I lazy
Am I standing  in a place that never  existed  
and if I exist

why.

I am  losing  the  grip of
whatever  it is that  actually  cares  to know,
if even anything  is worth  knowing.
Insight recognizes a pattern
I never will  find where  it is I am going.
I ought to just stay here, soon it will be snowing.
I'll  wait here.

Closed off, abandoned, derelict, haunted  
DANGER: DO NOT ENTER
             you are unwanted.  
I guess let it collapse  
   on its  own; we can't  pay
for demolition  faster
             than natural  decay.

If you  visit  
   it is to test the
   structural  integrity,
else to marvel at what could  have  been,
pontificate  
   upon  why she
    is what is left.
Or theft.

I wish I could  collapse  into myself
   to be consumed  within
      the black hole in my chest,
so that my lifelong  companion,
   loneliness, cannot  follow.
             It is where
             it is nothing
and where nothing  may follow  as a guest.

The steam from my tea rises up into the sky,
Like an angel, small and white
I wish I could rise with it
Up into the grey sky
Never looking back to the cold dark ground

I could never be calmed
by one who's in control

I could never be taught
by one who has it all

I could never be filled
by one whose heart is whole

But I could only be healed
by another broken soul

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