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Ana Habib Apr 2018
Untitled
There are 24 hours in a day but I always have 25 things to do
I am unsure of what to begin with, what to discard and what to leave for tomorrow
The cooking, cleaning, sweeping, moping, serving, redoing, undoing, and bickering is done on a daily basis
Attending class, completing projects and assignments, note-taking, pent up frustration and procrastinating goes happens every other day
My sleeping cycles are irregular
My appetite is hit or miss
My acne is on point
A bad hair day is the norm
Blood shot eyes, short temper and newly found pessimistic behavior is all I ever wear now
Confidence levels are sinking
Anxiety levels are rising
How do I fix this?
A new haircut and coffee I.V?
Get my nails done and have on that make it till you fake it attitude?
Can someone suggest a title for this piece?
Ana Habib Dec 2020
Is there ever a good time to approach a man
Who has been hurting for a very long time
Confused and misguided
Confidence sinking
Debts pilling
I didn’t know anything about all this
You never asked for help
Never made a peep
Quiet, still and asked for space
I have been having a rough time myself
Its been..
Months
I have told no one because I thought I could handle it
I didn’t come to you because I know you would say the wrong thing
Make me feel worse or turn a basic conversation into full fledged argument
I have been quiet
Because I am confused myself
Anything I will say will later turn into a fight
My thoughts make no sense
The conclusion is no where in sight
You spoke you mind
I promised to listen from start to end
I promised to not interrupt
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry
But I feel down right now
Very small
I asked for a hug
I asked for your time
I asked for you to be a little more kind
Engage in acts that show love
Engage in acts that show compassion
But no there is no time for that
its not even a possibility
I am not acting my age
I am being immature
I am being delusional
I am live in a fantasy land
You are all grown up and need all the time in the world
To figure out all the pieces of your life
Get organized and conquer the world
I fit no where
As soon as all the words left my lips
I felt like the biggest fool in the world
I promised myself I wont cry
But now I fear I am breaking
What kind of man shames a person for reminding him of her rights?
of all things that should come naturally
What kind of a man shames a person for asking for love?
Ana Habib Nov 2020
I think of you
but i shouldn't
i miss you
but i shouldn't
i talk to you
but i shouldn't
i look for you
but i shouldn’t
i feel for you
but i shouldn't
i should forget you
but i cant
no one ever taught me how
Ana Habib Nov 2019
The weather outside mimics
my feelings inside
Its cold, dark, and wet
raining nonstop for the last 24 hours
every time I look to the window it is something new
a couple of drops here and there
a slight drizzle which wets the hair and the tips of our noses
progresses to aggressive heavy rain that makes its presence known by constantly tapping on glass windows and slapping the pavement
from there its chaos
something out a movie
heavy wind
grey skies
mad sprays of water everywhere
you can only pray that you have on the right shoes and don't slip
don't become victim to the mess of ***** colored leaves flying about and attacking those shoes
All this rain
isn't good for my joints
every ache and pain translates to words that I have long become accustomed to
this bad weather has me becoming nastier by the hour
All I can feel right now are hot waves of crushing anger
the type of rage that warms up the body
makes it impossible to look at you with kind eyes
every word that comes out my mouth feels like bullets
one after the other
there is no compassion in my voice today
there is no time to catch my breath either
just a flurry of words
no tears
then complete silence
what you have been wanting
for the longest time
there is no coming back from this
so watch your step
Ana Habib Sep 2019
There was a time when I wished I could hate you for all the things that had happened between us
I really wanted to but wasn't sure how that would be possible
I gave you all the good things but you later cast them aside
so what was left?
Hatred, anger and resentment
Maybe this would have taken away some of the hurt
Maybe this would have forced me to think of something else other then you
But I shook my head and smiled when I felt like I was loosing
a sad kinda smile
I couldn't do it
because hatred would only taint the love I had for you
I was flawed both a person and as a lover
full of mistakes and errors
but loving you had seemed so right
The only part of me that was perhaps was not tainted at all
Ana Habib Jun 2015
I am conceived out of hatred, never out of love
Orphaned right from birth with no parents and siblings
My life altogether is very different from yours
So I spend my days alone
Always stuck in one place
with the shades drawn and always covered up
Unable to breath
You see, no likes the way I look
So when I step out, people always stare and questions get raised
Perhaps because I am a constant reminder of grief and pain
Fear not, I never stay in one place for too long
But don't miss me too much...
We will meet once again

Can you guess who I am?
Ana Habib Jun 2015
I have no idea how I came into this world

I have no family or a place I can call home

But I know there are many more like me

Traveling in 2s 3s and 4s

Its been hard since day one

I stay with everyone and anyone who can afford me

I stay with them, through their times of need

Stress, Break-up Divorce and even Death

I have to endure his clumsy and groping touch

without a being told twice

During the middle of the night or in the dead of winter

For days months and perhaps even years

While he uses me til his 5 minutes of satisfaction are up

And when he is done

He will throw me to the curb, where I will lay naked and spent


Who am I ?
Ana Habib Nov 2020
It won’t be long now
He has only got a few more minutes
An hour at best
The crazy juice finally did him in
His liver is rotting
His memories get incinerated
Night by night
One snippet at a time
The anger does not show
The bitterness is not there
In his eyes
The jealousy and pettiness
No longer burns bright
It has dwindled down to a single tiny flame
It will go out soon
I feel that I should say sorry
For being a bad son
For not not spending enough time with him
But I always sent him my second paycheck
For not being near him
I was always trying to save lives
But I can’t save him now
I want to say something
Some kind of a final goodbye
But I can’t bring myself to walk into the room
It smells of feces and failure
The rest of my siblings are all in there
One sitting still
Two staring at each other
Three staring into the light of their cellphones
I am adopted
So its different
My presence doesn’t really make a difference
Last I heard he looked tired
Defeated
Already gone
So I guess it’s OK that I am already making my way home
Ana Habib Nov 2018
Every since I was a little girl
maybe 5
I could hear voices
not of dead people
but the annoying living ones
A few words here and there, at first
then whispers in the evenings
and finally commands criticism and ridicule
One would call my  name slowly and ask me to sit up straight for hours and wear itchy stockings till it was time to go to bed
Another would snap at me!
Avert your eyes and hide yourself in the kitchen or one of the upstairs bedrooms
On Fridays one screamed at me for no apparent reason,
I guess she didn't like me
the next one took great pleasure in embarrassing me about my stutter and overbite
The old and judgemental ones were by far the worst
Shrill, soft, low, feminine, raspy and plain crazy
they would come out of no where
one minute I'm fine and going on with my day
and very next I'm holding my head in hands and cursing
I get this 7 days a week, the weekends were not for resting, socializing and fun
I would have to sit in a stuffy old room every weekend decorated with books, an atlas, and cobwebs
all alone while the rest played downstairs
dressed up for a funeral, where no one died
this has been happening to me for many long years
but I long to hear my mothers voice
Where are you ma?
Ana Habib Feb 2019
The sun is only moments away from hiding
The air has turned chilly
The moon is yet make her great big entrance
The windows and doors to the house are all colsed but i still feel cold and empty
Even though there is a pair of twins singing and dancing right above my head
The family  dog circles me for the 10th time without a care in the world
I should be setting the table for supper but my broken thoughts turn to him
I have not seen him in weeks nor heard anything from him
We had a disagreement and he left seconds later
I was not worried
But I was foolish to think that everything would be ok in a few hours and he would come home with treats for the girls and the opportunity for me to apologize
He never came home
I didnt sleep at all that night
Fed the girls a lie and send them to bed wih full tummies and confusion in their hearts
I wake up with my apology speech memorized every single morning and always dress up
In case there is a knock at the door
I practically know what I am going to say and cringe at the though of slipping into another corset
I am hoping he will show
Tonight of all nights at least
The girls fear the worst the bed is starting to feel like a grave.
Ana Habib Aug 2019
The room is still
The lights are on
the tv is blaring away
2 peoples are arguing about something
just like us
but all I can think about is you
the big grandfather clock right next to me is ticking away in disapproval
Every tick raises the beats to my heart
The coffee is getting cold
a weak attempt in staying awake
but I know I wont be closing my eyes any time soon tonight
I feel so anxious
this blanket feels suffocating instead of soothing
the pillow hurts my back
My hands are trembling and my eyes weep
I expect the phone to ring any moment now
Please let me know that your ok
that you have forgotten what happened between us just an hour ago
Please come back
Ana Habib Feb 2018
I wonder if he has forgotten
What you may ask?
It is not Valentine’s Day
It is not my birthday or our first anniversary
But the little things that make relationship really great
Don’t get me wrong I still love him
He has gentle eyes and an easy laugh
I know some woman prefer great abs and a killer smirk
But that is what I always look for in a man
He laughs openly, works tirelessly, and loves unconditionally
I couldn’t ask for anything more
But I am still waiting on that morning coffee!
Ana Habib Nov 2020
Was it good intentions
That brought you into my life
Was it desire
That led me to you
Was it passion
That turned us into one
Was it fate
That separated me from you
Is it pain
That makes me remember you
Is it love
That makes me still yearn for you
Ana Habib May 2018
I Met you
Life seemed perfect
The air smelled sweet
The trees looked greener then usual
I was starting to like the sounds of children laughing and playing
I looked forward to rainy days and take out
I looked forwards to the days that were to come
A future that sounded to good to be true
It was all coming together
Until one night
There was a lot of screaming involved
Crying
Cursing
Stomping
Breaking
Bleeding
You wiped away my smile instead of my tears
You broke my wrist
You ruined my sleep
You tarnished my dreams
Took everything away from me
Ripped away
The Happy
The Bubbly
The Optimistic
The Charismatic
The Funny
The Ambitious
Bits of me
Left me alone with the
Panic
Anger
Anxiety
Disappointment
Shame
Embarrassment
Failure
Ana Habib Nov 2020
No use in looking at the clock
He’s still sleeping
Softly snoring away
I wonder what’s he’s dreaming about
Not me I hope
I’m wide awake
I count all the stars on the walls for the third time
I pace down the hallway hoping it will calm me down
Turn on a light or two
Pour myself water to only not be able to drink it
The cold air doesn’t help
It grabs at my bare skin
Travels all the way up to my back
I stand by the window and see nothing
Listen for signs of life
the chirping of birds
Whizzing cars
Barking dogs
Splattering Rain
It’s no use
I’m not going back to sleep
I am up
But my demons are one step ahead of me
Ana Habib Aug 2019
You know on my here I practiced all that I was going to say to you tonight

But now that I am actually here I forgot everything that I am suppose to say

I love you
but you would hear it differently this time

I am sorry
but you would think that I am lying and that I have not learnt my lessons, I have learnt them many times over

Forgive me
You wouldn't because it sounds really hollow
But If you did then how much have you actually forgotten?

Leave Me
You want to, but your still standing still
Ana Habib Jan 2018
I do not know where you are right now
Who you are with or why you left
But not a day goes by that I do not think of you
I must admit I still wait by the phone
Old habits are hard to break and you were my worst habit
What happened to us?
Why did we have to say our goodbyes instead of our wedding vows?
My white dress sits my closet upstairs, the jewellery locked up in the safe and the venue paid in full.
I thought everything was perfect
Isn’t this what you wanted?
You always spoke about spending the rest of your lives together hand in hand
So why the sudden change in heart
You didn’t break mine but left me in pieces.
Ana Habib Jun 2015
Who knew… (Part 1)

Such a day would come
Where I find myself feeling guilty, alone and burdened by memories of you
Of us..
I did I best to be your girl and then one day your wife
At the tender age of 19
What did I know back then?
But it had been one of the best days of my life
I never looked back since
I thought my life had been set
But soon enough problems began to trickle into our small perfectly built-up world

The voice you so dearly loved and longed to hear over the phone suddenly sounded too shrill to you and annoyed you out of your mind
The eyes you looked into so deeply at times had soon turned into a sickening shade of purple—which you say was just the result of anger
The lips you so tenderly locked with your own—was ripped and bleeding
The body you loved to kiss and caress all of sudden repulsed and one fine day you decided that it would now serve as your new punching bag

Swinging to the left, then to the right
Punching up then down
You did what you thought was right
To see me so small and broken forcibly pushed to the corner
Brought you immense pleasure, to this day I cannot imagine why
Everything I did angered you
Nothing was ever good enough and everything was always flawed
My words were just useless noises filling up the air
Conversation had turned into torture
Every minute I spent with you lasted longer than the previous one
But living under the same roof was unbearable

Can you imagine, everything took place in the same house I had so lovingly decorated to my heart’s content
The place I spend my first days as a newly married bride
Was now broken and unrecognizable
The walls that once bared memories was now artfully decorated with holes from the endless hours of fighting
Streaked with blood from a sucker punch or kick one too many
Furniture we had bough to together now lay ruined and in pieces from the strength you didn’t know you had
Clothes which had selected for me with artistic eye and keen sense of fashion often ended ripped and torn from your groping hands and angry fits
The jewelry you surprised me with when traveling one of the many places in the world (Paris/Rome/Mexico/) now glittered in a thousand broken shiny pieces

But I picked myself up and shook everything off
Thinking that this was fate and what we were going through was just a rough patch and that hopefully one day everything would go back to normal
I took a deep breath and move forward
Never letting my patience waver or my temper rise
And helped you to your feet

I listened to your worries
I shared your burdens
I basked in your glory
I loved you when you were feeling down
And supported you during your times of need

But what did all that do
Our happiness was always so short-lived
For days to a month at home
Until the vicious cycle began all over again
Ana Habib Jun 2015
I haven’t hit home yet but least I’ve got a roof over my head
Food on the table
Clothes on my back
But it’s nothing like the days I’ve spent with you
The good days- even if there was only a few of them
Working beside you during the day and cozying up against at you night
The pleasure of waking up next you every morning and coming home to quality time, kissing and caressing
No I still haven’t forgotten
Yes I am away from you but I have no peace of mind
My appetite dies as I wonder if you have still eaten
My days turn grey even when the sun smiles down at me
My sleep fades away when I find myself thinking about you at the middle of the night
My skin goes cold when I remember the feel of your embrace
And my eyes flow with the tears that have never been shed
For all the days spent on our bitter fights
Time wasted on cruel words and accusations
The nights you came home staggering through the door reeking of cheap alcohol and cigarettes
All the nights that were wordlessly spent even though we lay next to each other in the same bed
The thoughts of you still torment me by the hour and keep me up at night
But the day after is the absolute worst
No kind words or coffee to wake up to
Only an empty house filled with our old trinkets, and faded memories
Every day I embark on the same quest… of finding my old self again
Trying to relive the days that I vaguely remember and bring out all the pleasures I’ve denied my self
Some days result in triumph but most nights end is tears and despair
It is not my spirit that’s broken but my heart
My aching heart!
that still cannot seem to forget you
but beats with the hope that you will one day come back as a changed man
Ana Habib Jun 2015
My mama always said that I was a beautiful baby with brown hair and curious blue eyes
Quiet and obedient as a little boy and studious as a young man in his teens
So different all the other boys in town
Who were always so rowdy filthy and drunk
So I asked her one say when she was busy with her embroidery
Mama is there something wrong with me?
Why am I so different from all the other boys.. In the world?
She looked at me with her blue eyes wide in shock and gave my left ear a great tweak
Why George! Your just perfect
You've got two eyes to see with two ears to hear with, ten fingers and toes to move around and explore with
I sighed... It was useless trying to explain anything to my dear mother
The truth was.. I hated being a boy
Having to cut my hair every couple of days when she wore hers Cosmo get she shoulders
Always stuck wearing dress shirts and pants around the house while got to wear pretty floral dresses and matching pointy shoes
Being told to always do better in school and keep busy by fixing old cars and junk around the house
Yet she was happy baking cakes and pastries,running errands and waiting for daddy to come home with flowers and chocolates
Worst of all, always being told that boys don't cry
But I'm in pain and always so miserable
So why is it so forbidden for me to cry
To shed just a tear or two?
Ana Habib Feb 2018
Windows to the soul

The windows to her soul are green
Big and round
The color of fresh tea leaves
I bet you thought I was going to say emeralds
They are filled with amusement
Sometimes mystery
And when I am in trouble, plenty of mischief
They sparkle in the sun
But turn dark, almost black when she is angry

They can make feel uncomfortable when I am guilty of something
They provoke me to the point I want to spill my secrets the deepest darkest and dirtiest ones
They encourage me whenever I am not sure of something
They hold my gaze forever just when I think it is not possible to love this woman any more than I did yesterday
They flirt with me in the driveway when she is about to leave for work
They tease me between the sheets when we are tangled up in each other
They glare at me when my mouth works faster than my brain
They laugh at me when I make fool of myself in the kitchen
They shrink in size and tear up when I cannot hold on to my tongue
They smile at me in the morning
They have showered me with love, appreciation, concern and trust for the last 36 years

But right now as I sit here and look at her lying still in that cheap hospital gown
With her face a covered in a mask with shades of red and purple
I can see them, but they cannot see me
Ana Habib Aug 2019
Now I don't believe in genies
I don't blow on candles
Look for dandelions
Or throw pennies into wishing wells
But I do wish for some things
I wish I was smarter
I wish I was prettier
I wish I was skinner
I wish I was clever
I wish I was good with numbers and statistics
I wish I was musically gifted
I wish I was genius with food
I wish I more organized and resourceful
I wish I didn’t love so much
I wish I didn’t care so much
I wish I didn’t feel so much
I wish I didn’t have to hurt so much
I Just wish I had been enough for him
Ana Habib Mar 2018
I am sorry I took my hands for granted
They have done so much for me till now
They helped me with my chores
They helped me with my studies
They helped me get a job
They helped me look after my ailing parents
They helped me built a house
They helped me raise a family of four
They helped me sooth wounds and repair broken relationships
They helped me start my own bakery
They helped me maintain my marriage
They helped me when leo left and chose to spend the rest of his life behind bars
They helped me when the house and car was ceased by the bank
They helped me move into a smaller apartment
They helped me when my children moved far away from me and decided that they were too busy to make time for their mother
They helped me adopt a little girl
They helped me find love again in ex-football player who makes really good steak
They helped me heal when my daughter passed away in her sleep

They have helped me accomplish so much and have turned me into the woman I am today
I am sad to say that my hands look nothing like before
My elegant fingers and hands are rough and have swelled up over the years
They are bent from doing so much
I only wish that I was able to hold on to my husbands hands before the doctors wheel him into the ICU
Ana Habib Mar 2018
The ivory page with the floral detailing stares back at me
waiting to be caressed the soft tip of a feather or pen
my array of colored ink and lead lay motionless on the mahogany desk
There is plenty going through this head of mine
but I am unable to write tonight
A simple sentence, stanza, song or story
the task of jotting down words, and forming sentences is too much for me
The letters do not flow, they have become scrambled up like alphabet soup
the sentences make no sense and are falling apart like my favorite pearl necklace
my voice is broken
The paper void of words, emotion and passion, is soaking up tears instead and the red ink has bleed into my fingers
Maybe some things are better left unsaid!
Ana Habib Jan 2018
Yesterday
Are you like me stuck in the past but still living in the present?
Does your mind wonder back to the past loves, regrets and losses?
Does the sun reminds you of all the times he chased you in the grass
Does the moon remind you of the long walks you two would go on at night
Do the stars remind you of all the nights you spent over the phone wishing upon a star for the things that no longer matter
Do the flowers remind you of your first valentine
Does the candy remind you of the way he surprised you on the day of your 3 month anniversary when you first met back in high school
Does chocolate reminds of the way he would make up with you after a small disagreement on date night
Does red remind you of the color he loved to see you in every friday when he would take you out to the movies
Do teddy bears remind you of the carnival you two went on during the summer
Do diamonds remind of you the night he proposed under the water fountain before the moon and stars
Dec 31 now a reminder of the day he lost you
You
Ana Habib Aug 2019
You
You felt like home
Ana Habib Jan 2018
I know it’s just you and I in the room
Not another person in sight but I can still feel his presence
I know none of it makes any sense.
His words ringing in my ears, breaking the silence and I cannot hear myself think
Mocking me from so far away until I am an on the brink of crying.
What kind of love is this? I wonder
I go out with you but always feel the need to look over my shoulder even when it is time to cross the street
When you place your fingers in mine. I start to panic, it starts all the way from my toes and keeps on rising and only goes away at the very end of the day.
Your kisses touch only skin and nothing else.  
When you come close to me I feel the need to pull away, even though there is no force or ugliness between us
When your lips close in on the nape of my neck I feel cold instead of warm and close my eyes to embrace emptiness
When it gets dark and the door closes I am filled with dread.
Ana Habib Aug 2019
The room is bare the closet empty
When you left you took everything with you
My heart as well
In exchange you left behind a tiny piece of you
Your scent
It lingers
On my clothes, sheets and skin
I cant bring myself to throw any of it away
I bring them close to my face and with my eyes closed I can still see everything you sitting crossed legged in bed or lying perfectly still every day you got upset
You smelled like oranges and vanilla, cherries and *** and something else I was never able to figure
Whatever it was its still there and the smell of you is everywhere
It has filled up every single room in this small apartment
I wish I had been careful
I always wanted more then you were ready to give
Maybe that’s why you left
With no trail behind
You were mesmerizing
Absolutely intoxicating but I know I will never able to replicate that smell
I have gone through bottles
Light, Airy, Citrusy, Sensual, Sickly Sweet, Floral
Its nice but its not you
Not even close
I sit here now clutching your favorite polo to my chest
Clutching to memories
The scent has already started to fade
Soon it will be gone
You will be gone
Forever

— The End —