I have way too many moods to list
today, however I can tell you exactly how I feel
The sun is out but my thoughts are cloudy
The sky is clear but I want to cry
The flowers are in a bloom but all I want to do is hide
the view from my window, looks perfect
A mirror of happiness and glee but all I want to do is break it and watch as all the pieces shatter and fall to my feet
Everything is so neat and tidy, I wanna change that
The plates and silver are out for display
I want to smash all the plates and watch as the all the forks and knives fly into the celling and stay there
That ugly ancestral flower vase is my face again
I think it should have been buried with my dead grandmother
The mean one ofcourse
But I will do no such thing because the peoples are coming!

I can feel it again
Even as I am sitting here flipping through flashy magazines and sipping on a match green tea with cinnamon powder no milk and two ice cubes
In a room painted a lovely lavender and pristine looking furniture
I look like peace and serenity
My hairs down and it feels great to be out my skin tight work clothes
Funny enough my mind is not at peace
I want to smile but I cant
My face will become a crumbling mess in a few minutes
I quickly set the foam coloured cup down on the glass table before me
My hands feel tingly and ball up into fists
Dont know why
I am not angry
No
I feel a great wave of sadness
It makes me so uncomfortable I want go hide
But I cant
I throw the magazine onto the pale coloured thing at my feet which looks like animal fur
That helped a little
I am frozen in place and my feet feel like they have pins and needles stuck to them
I quickly wipe away the tears but cant do anything about the giant ball lodged in my throat
I'm going to think of happy thoughts
Of a good day
I hope this goes away soon I have a meeting soon
My face is not made up but red eyes and blotchy skin is not pretty
It will raise questions and I don't need that
I try to calm my self down by counting to 30
I feel something again
Something rising from the pit of my stomach and making its way up my throat
Is it anger? Frustration? Anxiety? Panic?
I cannot say, I am fully prepared for the meeting, all my papers are in order and my phone is tucked away in my small purse
But why cant I shake this feeling away
Will I be able to walk to the door, and smile and get on with it?
I don’t know but whatever it is I hope it goes away
Come back after 6 I will be full of cheap wine and brisket
I will deal with you then

It doesn’t matter how much love I give you
How much time I spend with you
The experience that will be gained
Wont matter
The lessons that will be taught in return
Wont matter
Someone else will come along to hurt you
I can tell you about that day
Warn you in advance
But I know you wont heed to my words
or remember much
It will be many years from now
Black will turn to grey
Words will no longer suffice
Rules will break
Expectations will become of great importance
Dreams will be born
Feelings will blossom
But how can I save you from the hurt
Save you from the tears that will spill
The promises that will break
Pain that will spread like wild fire
It will play with your mind
Rob you of sleep and common sense
It will provide you with momentary comfort
At the same time fill you with unease
It brings both joy and grief
It is what gives life colour and purpose
But can also make it seem hollow at the same time
Sometimes it gives life
Sometimes it takes it away

It is happening again
The day will go on
Everything is in motion
But I am on the verge of tears
I cannot hold on to this smile for a moment longer
**** Customer Service!

The room is a mess
The lightbulb needs to be changed
I also dropped his favorite bottle of cologne earlier
I guess its appropriate for the occasion
Something to remember him by
I just know I cant stay here anymore
“You are leaving because you deserve better” the voice in my head shrieks
How does one pack away five years of her life in one worn out leather case?
The tickets and passes stare back at me
What do I take and leave?
Diary….clothes… Shoes…jerky..energy drinks…
What about the dried up rose from our wedding night?
Thin stack of letters we wrote to each other long before Facebook and messenger got in the way?
There is space for that!
I throw in paperwork that documents that peter has given up his powder addiction
Information on all the court mandated anger management classes that he has been attending behind my back
He is getting better.. Just like he promised..
“But he will hurt you again” she says mockingly
I Can’t throw out the ring or chain I am wearing
“Sell it! She whispers.. You’ll be needing the money…”
“Sell his watches, baseball cards, and all the glittery crap in the room she continues
Take the key and the secret stash behind the bed”
I hurriedly packed everything
My fingers tremble just slightly
“Your doing the right thing” she croons in my head
My eyes burn
There is no time wipe away the tears
He will be here soon…

The sun is only moments away from hiding
The air has turned chilly
The moon is yet make her great big entrance
The windows and doors to the house are all colsed but i still feel cold and empty
Even though there is a pair of twins singing and dancing right above my head
The family  dog circles me for the 10th time without a care in the world
I should be setting the table for supper but my broken thoughts turn to him
I have not seen him in weeks nor heard anything from him
We had a disagreement and he left seconds later
I was not worried
But I was foolish to think that everything would be ok in a few hours and he would come home with treats for the girls and the opportunity for me to apologize
He never came home
I didnt sleep at all that night
Fed the girls a lie and send them to bed wih full tummies and confusion in their hearts
I wake up with my apology speech memorized every single morning and always dress up
In case there is a knock at the door
I practically know what I am going to say and cringe at the though of slipping into another corset
I am hoping he will show
Tonight of all nights at least
The girls fear the worst the bed is starting to feel like a grave.

I Overslept!
Missed The Alarm
Out of cleanser
Forgot to hand in an assignment!
Late for an appointment
Out of milk and cheese
Favorite dress is at the Dry cleaners!
My shoe has a hole in it
I cannot find my pink binder
And I am out of passes for the bus!

Its only 10:00 Am
But I am already having a bad day
What else is suppose to wrong today?

She has that look in her eyes again
Its not a happy look
Its not like anything I have ever seen to be honest
She looks like she has given up on life
She looks at everything but no one has ever heard her speak
She is thin practically boney
Her hair is way too long
Her clothes short and shabby
Her fingers always shake
Almost never eats
I don’t know how long she was has been here for
I want to know more about her
I can tell she used to be really pretty
I know everyone else talks about her
In whispers
With stares and laughs
But I am too afraid to say hi
She just looks like she needs a friend
This place can get really lonely
And loneliness is a killer

Holding On

I had no big expectations from you
But I held on yo your hands with hope and optimism
No I don’t know what tomorrow will bring
Or what will happen to us many years later
But lets take it one day at a time
Pain is not permanent so this too will pass
I will be there when your not having a bad day
When your mind is clouded with memories
When your eyes reflect pain and grief
When you are wearing a brittle smile
Only for my sake
I know It hurts

I will also be there when you’re a having a good day
To love you in the best way I know possible
To support you when you cannot stand on your own or do not feel like going forward
To hold you when you feel alone and need reassurance
To protect you from superficial relations and second hand notions
To tease you just because I can

I am only human so I cannot make the promise to never hurt you
Please know that it was not intentional
This is hard for me too but you will never know it
I promise to work on myself and never give up on you

all the answers to a test
you only have to pay attention
you only have to listen
I know you have it in you
the rest will carry itself out with time
you cant even be bothered to do that
you do what you know best
listening for the sounds of chirping birds
sound of the wind
sipping on coffee and cracking bubblegum
while I drone on and on
your not listening but I still try
Hope made me do it
I hate her
you flunk repeatedly
complain over and over again
when the answers are right in front of you
I can shake you
I can rattle you
but you wont break
your already broken
I am only starting to realize this now

You know what I will miss the most about us?
Not
the smiley pics
The stupid txt msgs
Impromptu dates
Cheesy couple costumes
Happy Hour
Saturday Shopping Sprees
Long Lazy Rides
Ice-cream at midnight
Goodnight Kisses
Train rides going to particularly nowhere
Cute lil Caricatures of us
International souvenirs
Picnics and walks on the parks
The swings
Matching tattoos
Bets and promises
Weekend long Marathons
5 dollar desserts
Hot hair balloon rides
Horse back riding
Apple picking
Pie baking
Cake tasting
Ring picking
Unlimited Hugs and Hot soup
Fishing
Dancing
Fighting
Trust and support
Make Up ***
Cooking on a whim

But the connection I once shared with you…

He is not dead
Don't kid yourself
No one dies over a person or a relationship
But the newspapers says that he has made a name for himself
His contribution to mankind can be found in every household
It can be used to cause damage or in times of celebration
Hes made millions
Lives in one of best pieces estate available around here
Drives the very best his money can by
Eat breakfast by the river
lunches on top of mountains
and dines up in the sky
Hes met a lovey young woman too
Not yet thirty but loves people, books and animals
Stands tall at 5'4 and makes his head swoon
No, he did not come to in me dream
We did not meet in a coffee shop on a balmy afternoon either
He found me out through letters, postcards and learning out my pet name
the same pet name he had for me
Time flew but it was still there
Not exactly strong like a spark,
it was a less vibrant but can still be felt miles away
through walls and glass screens
With each text and every ding of an incoming email
The anticipation, anxiety and general concern was there
the butterflies are asleep
We still talk but I don know what to think of it
I cannot say if he is genuinely happy under all the money, fame, glory and ***
He still has the same endearing face that I have always loved
not a grey hair in sight
He has changed though
he thinks before he talks
not the other way around
he writes too
such fine lines
Such prose
But I would be a fool to fall in love again
We only blanketed ourselves with the past
but we don't have the present or the future
I am happy for him
from the bottom of weary and faded soul
I will continue to tread ahead
but this..
this was nice

hers smells like flowers
his smells like rain
baby soft
porcelain
pink
scared
bruised
tanned
so much is used
so much is needed
a 100 things to buy
to make it look perfect
to win people over
to make it to the top
to survive at work
to pay for the bills
for the next fix
too much exposure
that is a problem
rough night
find the right shade for cover up
covered up entirely?
Everyone wants to know why
By choice
Because of a trend
To be safe
No one is happy still
Airbrushed
Paint
Glitter
All aesthetically pleasing to the eye
Bare
when no one is watching
When there is nothing to suspect
No supervision
Suddenly stained
But no way to hide it
The stains stay
No one is spared

There was a time when I wished I could hate you for all the things that had happened between us
I really wanted to but wasn't sure how that would be possible
I gave you all the good things but you later cast them aside
so what was left?
Hatred, anger and resentment
Maybe this would have taken away some of the hurt
Maybe this would have forced me to think of something else other then you
But I shook my head and smiled when I felt like I was loosing
a sad kinda smile
I couldn't do it
because hatred would only taint the love I had for you
I was flawed both a person and as a lover
full of mistakes and errors
but loving you had seemed so right
The only part of me that was perhaps was not tainted at all

I can hear everyone in the back having a gay old time
So this wouldn't be the best time to lash out right now
but I cant help it tonight
I already lost my shoes somewhere in this wretched house
I wanna get out of this heavy dress
its scratchy and probably going to give me a rash later
strip away all the gold and pearls from my skin
Kick away the **** dress till its a heap of crumpled up material
expensive, useless and insignificant
Take off every **** bobby pin that's stuck to my scalp right now and chuck them on the floor till I am standing in the middle of a black pool of pins
Smash out all the twinkly lights till I can only hear my self breath in the dark
Sit and wait for some unknown but strong force to swallow me into the ground
take me underground to a new universe
one that I have only imagined maybe about 100 times in my dreams and absent mindedly continue to sketch in my many sketch books
I don't want to face these people anymore
their ugly grinning faces
the stupid photos
Smile and wave
but don't give the finger
Continue to pretend that I am thrilled to be hosting this **** party
to celebrate his success or something equally stupid
Being happy is too much work
Being happy for him is too much work
I would settle for indifferent tonight!

The room is still
The lights are on
the tv is blaring away
2 peoples are arguing about something
just like us
but all I can think about is you
the big grandfather clock right next to me is ticking away in disapproval
Every tick raises the beats to my heart
The coffee is getting cold
a weak attempt in staying awake
but I know I wont be closing my eyes any time soon tonight
I feel so anxious
this blanket feels suffocating instead of soothing
the pillow hurts my back
My hands are trembling and my eyes weep
I expect the phone to ring any moment now
Please let me know that your ok
that you have forgotten what happened between us just an hour ago
Please come back

Shh
I promise this wont hurt one bit
There isn’t much time left
Don’t waste it on words
Breath me in
When it hurts the most
When you really miss me
Breath me in
Get high on the memories
Feel them grip your mind
Wash over you like water
Take hold of you
Turn you numb
Breath me out
When your ready to let go

Those who leave you
For whatever reason
Are actually doing you a favour
In the long run
I often think about that
Did it help you?
Did you achieve all that you wanted to?
Did you win the hearts of your loved ones again?
Did you get to forgiveness?
Promise to be good again
Follow the rules
Forsake your happiness for others
Learn how to smile
Through the pain
Build new dreams from the ashes of the old ones
Smile at the sun
Play in the rain
Welcome change
Vow to never live in the past again
Can it all be done because of will power and strength
Or is everything just a mirage
Do you go back to being being broken at night
Relive every nightware
Wake up to déjà vu
Wish that you have never met her
Curse scream and yell
Tell yourself that it’ll all be over soon
By ingesting the last pill
Snorting another line
Pulling the trigger
Tightening the noose
Cuz you know that is the only way you will ever see her again

Make a mistake once and we call it an error
it shouldn't happen again
make the same mistake more then once we see it as a choice
repeat the mistake day after day I call it a crime
the empty promises of change
a crime between You and I
its perfect in a way because no one can see it
there are no visible marks
no questions to ask either
I feel it while you choose to ignore it
even worse you minimize it
I deal with the doubt, anxiety and overall discomfort
you do nothing
no wait
you throw yourself into work and play
while the ugliness of the crime plays in my head
everything bounces off one wall to another
then back again till my head aches
I swallow the words and foul atmosphere with water wine and other murky looking liquids
you continue to keep yourself busy with other peoples drama
paying no attention to what is happening to us
the marks remain invisible
but the emotions stew
It boils in the morning
simmers down by the evening
burns at night
you change sometimes too
you let yourself get provoked
you let the peoples words ***** you
then let it sit while they sculpt your brain
with clever words and experienced hands
this is how it is everyday
you only make a sound once the words have festered
into great big open wounds
it has always been my job to make it stop hurting
make you feel clean and brand new
while I feel old tired and worn out

there lies a sea full of hatred and mistrust between us
you cannot even swim

I wish you were here because I need you
The distance has become too much for me
I am patient but I am failing

I know we talk, but I need more tonight
I need you to take me away
Just for one night
Please
Let there be very little light and space between us
No people whatsoever
No other voices around, except for yours

Undress me till I have nothing but my smile on
Let there be no distractions
No disturbances
Let our bodies talk tonight
For hours, without delay
In the dark
As our senses are heightened

Touch me
I wont ask again
But make the pain go away
Its an order
If you cant Then numb it

Kiss me, and take your time
I want to savour it
But make the pain go away

Caress me, and don't rush
I want it to be the last thing I will ever feel
But make the pain go away

I want to forget everything tonight and loose myself
completely
In you, right here and right now

Just the two of us
In the dark

Walking to the left
Running to the right
Standing but still confused
Sitting down and frustrated
Counting sheep is annoying
Swishing
Slurping
But it wont go down
8 hours every night?
Am I really resting
Or just wasting more energy
Navigating through one dream after another
Asking questions
Looking for solutions
Trying to fix what is ugly
What needs to go
Trying to go back to an older self
one that was younger
In sprit
Smiled just because
Didn’t give a **** about the others
Stayed away from trouble
Didn’t let anyone get too close
Didn’t have to turn to cold dark corners
Just to save herself
From breaking
Its just tiring
All of it
Weather my eyes are open
Or closed

Did not know it was written for us
Forgot a word somewhere
Misread the signs
The potions bubbled over
Did not see it in the stars
The cards were all wrong
Or maybe one was missing
The leaves must have been of the wrong kind
Scry till my hands hurt
Chanted till light turned to darkness
chased away the morning sun
Only to invite the night
Frozen with pain
Thought it would help
The wind howled
The windows rattled
Glass broke
Lights flickered
The phone never rang
The door did not open with a bang
You really are gone

I remember the way
A long path
cold stone walls
old candles
some burn bright
others flicker
like one last kiss
will this be the last time
after dark
underground
perfectly cloaked
dead roses and desire
you are perfectly still
I wonder what your eyes see
I cant bring myself to close them
Is your soul floating about
Looking for answers
Avenging the poor?
Or waiting for me
Your hands are cold
Lips are still warm
or am I just imagining things
perfect
even in death

Forgive him the heart screams
let him suffer smirks
the brain
All you need is a break the body moans
watch him walk away giggle the eyes
he needs to figure this out for himself the mouth whispers
Its all a mess
too many voices
to many parts
not sure who to listen to
not sure who to ignore
why am I like this

Was it good intentions
That brought you into my life
Was it desire
That led me to you
Was it passion
That turned us into one
Was it fate
That separated me from you
Is it pain
That makes me remember you
Is it love
That makes me still yearn for you

You see them in movies
Read about them in books
I believe in them
But I wish I had given you one
Maybe it would helped me think with my heart one last time
Maybe that would have prompted you to change
See all the things I tried to show you
Tell you all the things I wanted you to know
I couldn't in the end
I broke instead
Your mind shattered into a million pieces
Mine became numb
Time passed
Days were spent in trying to pick up all the scrambled pieces of our hearts
Nights were spent in solitude trying to make sense of flashbacks, unkind words, and loneliness
The memories remained frozen
Time could not heal everything
it helped us grow
see past our mistakes
make amends to be a better person
to someone else
I have changed
I imagine you have too
Leading a different life
With a new set of thoughts
While the heart still bleeds
For the past
For you

The thought of spending another day with you  brings out the clouds faster then anything
Looking at the little things you do
That was once very cute
Is rewarded with an eye roll or extra loud sigh
Talking to you about this and that makes me feel queasy
Engaging in conversation with you is like talking with something lodged in the throat
I can hardly get the words out
you can never find anything to talk about
always have to think
There are too many pauses in the conversation
crickets and grasshoppers do nothing to hide the awkwardness I feel when I have to be around you
Getting you to spend time with me is frustrating
I feel like I have to beg
All the **** time
Can we go out
Can we talk for 5 minutes
Can you bring this
Can you buy that
I would like that please
Your so good at following the rules
Your so obedient
Agree to everything
Never speak your mind
When you finally do you talk without emotion
Without feeling and passion
when did a relationship have so many rules
so many strings
Some things just happen on their own
It shouldn’t be forced
It shouldn’t be begged for
But that’s all I find myself doing when I am with you
Shouldn’t you take some things upon yourself
Plan things on your own
for me
for you
you bark out orders
I give orders
I have to pick and choose
sadly enough
you feel obligated to do things
I am forced to feel
What will happen
When I cant feel anymore?