I don’t have much too give you
Certainly not love
Maybe companionship at best
Love died with the last guy
Rest in peace
Should I be angry about this?
I’m not
Things were different
Life was different
Eventful and full of colour
He could make me smile as soon as my tears dried up
It doesn’t matter what I had been crying up
He could inject passion in one lonely moment
Strong enough to be felt
Sweet enough to savor
I would worry about him more then I worried about myself
My happiness stretched as far as his smile did
A thin one that would reach both of his ears
Sometimes that was enough to be make a bad day seem all good again
I will admit that he did funny things too my lips
They smiled on their own
I smiled more then usual and forget about my own insecurities
My big eyes that take in the whole world in one glance
My not so perfect teeth
My strange gait
It would all be forgotten, momentarily
He held on to me like the prettiest flower in the bouquet
vowed to never let me fall
But that never really stuck
Blows to the mind
Blows to the heart
I don’t know which one was more fragile, but I did my best to mend it
The love was still there
Until one day it got snatched away
I was handed back my own empty heart
three sizes too small
Beaten up and worn out
Artfully stitched up all over the place
It was mine to keep
I didn’t know what to do with it
It continued to beat
Then bleed
Every time I thought about him
Whenever my mind refused to go ahead with the day
I still think about him
But Now I am able to smile a little bit
Is that progress?
Indifference?
I will never know
But I think I will hold on to my little heart
That is three sizes too small

I wish you could stay just awhile longer
4 months is such a short period of time for glossed lips and sun kissed skin
Fun in the sun and splish splash in the pool
All night barbeques under twinkling lights, good music and the company of fire flies
I am no fan of getting the perfect tan but the sun on my face is always pleasant
I am not ready to trade in my flowing skirts for woolly pants
Tie up my wavy locks and shove them under the mass of cotton and wool
Being under dressed works but all those layers are ******
Don’t wanna say good bye to flip flops, dainty slippers and flats, showcasing off the perfect pedicure and slender ankles
Box off anklets and belly chains
Move away from last minute plans, and dates just because the weather is fantastic and he couldn’t really come up with a better reason to want to spend time with you
No longer finding the time to link arms with an old time lover and walk down a path that hasn’t been traveled for quite some time now
Dismiss the temptation of indulging in frozen treats to please the tongue and childish spirits
Its no fun to fish in the cold
No one will be looking for berries in the snow
Sunblock will be taking a rest while lip balm steals the show
It will be the season for vicks vaporub and  Vaseline soon
Summer romance will be dead and we will all have to settle for runny noses and frost bites next
Colourful leaves stuck to sneakers
Worms just starting to wake up
Rain for days
Who can forget the slushy snow!

This marks the end of another stressful day
Y'know working for a law firm isn't all that glamorous
and defending woman and children is very draining
It certainly does not help that you are in a room only two doors awauy
the walls and closed doors do nothing to conceal your voice
The voice that told me It was time to see other peoples
what I gave you was not enough
You did not waste any time in socializing
while i stayed back drinking away my pain in liquids
One shot for Valerie my red haired ex best friend
One shot for Ronnie. the piano playing colleague at work
One shot for Ashley my cousin the successful lawyer
One shot for Rita the almond skinned doe eyed newbie at work
Lets not forget the pills
because no martini is complete with an olive or three

It is so quiet here that she can finally hear her self think
She loves this time of the day
It is not morning yet and the so the world is still asleep
Some already nestled comfortably in their beds and dreaming away
other stumbling over their steps and rushing to make it to bed
careful not to wake their lovers
or just to forget their problems
last nights big row
stolen kisses and drunken promises
wounds still fresh
and stained skin
just for a few hours
The pancake make up stays
last nights dress still smells like him
and her shoes are out of sight
just for a few hours
No rambling customers
smoky air and watered down drinks
stinky tips and crude smiles
just for a few hours
Sunny skies
greenery
cottage in the woods
A smiling man and small child in tow
just for a few hours
until the phone will ring again
she will be awake with her blood shot eyes and broken dreams
ready to face her demons for the day

Seventeen

Ok I am going to take a second stab at this
Taking the time to write out my feelings
My folks don't listen
Dad ignores me most of the time after coming home from working at the mill
Mom shuts me down every chance she gets and she is right no matter what
That's how this household runs
God help anyone who disagrees with her
***** no longer stays here anymore she dropped out of college and found a permanent 9-5 job at the bank
Also met a man who wears steel toed boots and smells like licorice all the time
I have only met him twice
The first she brought him over to the house
Mama was wearing a black and white polka dot dress with too much hairspray in her hair that day
Dad had an extra glass on wine that evening
But I was happy for her
She was just as miserable as me when she lived in this 75 year old house
I don't think my grandparents haunt this place
I am just 17 and still in high school
Unsure of what I would like to do next
I had to put on jasper down last week cuz dad said he was getting to expensive to keep
I miss him but I wont tell anyone else that
The way he would sleep by the corner of a bed
Had a thing for beef jerky and loved chasing a soccer ball for some odd reason
I will be turning 18 next month
I will be able to vote
Stay up late
I don't like going out much and work
I feel like I am too old for an allowance
I do help around the house and work on smallish electronics that have seen better days for the people around here  
No intentions of getting a girlfriend though
I just want to get out here
Once I turn 18 I bet dad will take me seriously
Show me how to drive
We can out together over the weekend
And hang out with the boys
Mom might just leave me alone more and find something to do
I can see the fine lines
That expensive makeup but that sally sells from door to door aint doing much for her
You cant hide a bad night at the ER or expect someone who works with the injured to look so great everyday
Hmm what else…
I like writing essays and sci-books
Not much of a tv watcher but I like talking pictures of the world
Anything that has to do with airplanes, trains and boats is cool too
I am saving up for a model airplane
I want it before Christmas comes around
Well then I have written down everything that needs to be said
Maybe I will do this again some other time
The shrink said I would feel something after writing
But what
I just feel restless

She has always hated taking pictures
says that she is not pretty enough for them
they don't come out right
I roll eyes
If only she saw what the rest of the world sees
I wish she would see all the things that I see and love

Perfectly naturally curled tresses touching her cheeks
glossed lips
and a smile full of peace and serenity

Exited smile, sparkling eyes
tendrils of reddish brown hair escaping from bun at the top of her head right after she has completed one of her 1 km runs

Messy bed head, bare skin and the sprinkle of freckles across of her nose and shoulders,
Who needs make up when you have all that?

Slick red hair, dangerous cat eyes, red lips
and stretchy black latex

She has no bad side

Long ponytail, black shades and killer smile
turn around
just this once

I do not know where you are right now
Who you are with or why you left
But not a day goes by that I do not think of you
I must admit I still wait by the phone
Old habits are hard to break and you were my worst habit
What happened to us?
Why did we have to say our goodbyes instead of our wedding vows?
My white dress sits my closet upstairs, the jewellery locked up in the safe and the venue paid in full.
I thought everything was perfect
Isn’t this what you wanted?
You always spoke about spending the rest of your lives together hand in hand
So why the sudden change in heart
You didn’t break mine but left me in pieces.

When life gets in the way
absolutely nothing is going right
I cannot think straight
anxiety follows me everywhere
I always look for you
turn to you
we live in two different places of the world
but distance is not the problem
We always have something to talk about
things to think bout
and many days to look forward too
Time becomes the enemy
when its time to go
I don't feel like leaving
Maybe it has to do with the way your eyes smile when we go out
It definitely has something to do with how you have become an expert at listening to me with and ready with sound advice
free of judgement and an open heart every single time
I always feel light and look brighter after talking to you
through letters, texts, post cards
we have done it all
I assure you the drinks have no effect on me
Dessert is always nice
but I always look forward to meeting you
our happy hour

I am not sure why you showed up tonight
But I think it is best if I tell you this now
I do not have much love to give these days
and feel even less
My laugh is a hollow one
I can go out but i prefer to keep to myself alot now
Not ready for hand-holding just yet
I love watching movies but I may forget that your sitting right next to me
My hands may feel like ice when you will try to reach for them
I may stare at the wall behind you as you ask me about my day or my hobbies so don't ask questions about that later
I may stop talking mid-sentence and get lost in my thought so don't feel offended
I may stay perfectly still if you try to hug me
I may turn my face away when its time to kiss good-bye
But please come in, its dreadfully cold outside.

The Truth finally came out
I wonder how long you managed to keep this up
You said all that you had to
Well congrats it couldn’t have been easy for you
Since you prefer prevention instead of confrontation
It was a lot to take in
Right before bed time
I always thought I was the miserable one
Your claims were an earful
You really enjoy tormenting me
You treat like a pet
You have sacrificed nothing! It was all me
All I ever get rewarded is with cold behavior, icy stares and your favorite word of the week
No!
Your inhuman and I am so sorry I ever met you
I could have done so much better then you
Now I have been called many names
People have harbored all kinds of feelings towards me
They have no doubt thought the very wosrst about me
I cant apologize for everything
Yea I have changed
There are still parts of me that are warm, kind, caring, friendly and resourceful
I am not stupid to make the same mistakes again
Let my emtions drive me up the wall
I sometimes stop feeling for you
I tune out
Sympathize with you till it becomes a joke
Sorry if I bring out the worst out of you
Make you morph into a wild eyed raging beast instead of the well mannerd, smiley faced young lad everyone takes you for
I cant always keep my feelings to myself
I cant always keep my problems ot myself
I cant always keep my mistakes to myself
They overlap with your day
They spill into your thoughts
They stay in your brain
But I try my best to not be a nuisance to you
Promise!
But somehow I always end up making things difficult for you
For those around you too
I know I have a destructive touch
I break everything I touch and hold in my hands
I was like this ever since I was a toddler
It explains why mom never bought me anything pretty
It explains why dad always yelled at me
It explains why I had no real friends
I guess its better if I go back to where I came from
You carry on
Forget about how I first came to you
Forget about how our eyes met
Our minds clicked

I thought we were perfect for each other
I was book smart and you street-smart
I needed lists and maps but you always played it by ear
I followed rules while you loved breaking them
You did the talking and I  loved to listen
You were the head and I the neck
You led and I followed
Anger turned to water
Misunderstandings into screaming matches
Nobody cared that it was night time
Or that there was somebody pale and sick in the house
We slept but we were usually ******* at each other
I would hide my thoughts and feelings the next day but you always figured things out
Nothing could ever get past you
You had an eye for detail and so we were always stuck to each other
You hated books but could read my face instantly
Spoke in tongues but knew the language of my body perfectly
Hated saying sorry but never thought twice about apologizing with the lips
Mean words ended in laughter
Every day was bitter sweet
Every night was ecstasy

Every since I was a little girl
maybe 5
I could hear voices
not of dead people
but the annoying living ones
A few words here and there, at first
then whispers in the evenings
and finally commands criticism and ridicule
One would call my  name slowly and ask me to sit up straight for hours and wear itchy stockings till it was time to go to bed
Another would snap at me!
Avert your eyes and hide yourself in the kitchen or one of the upstairs bedrooms
On Fridays one screamed at me for no apparent reason,
I guess she didn't like me
the next one took great pleasure in embarrassing me about my stutter and overbite
The old and judgemental ones were by far the worst
Shrill, soft, low, feminine, raspy and plain crazy
they would come out of no where
one minute I'm fine and going on with my day
and very next I'm holding my head in hands and cursing
I get this 7 days a week, the weekends were not for resting, socializing and fun
I would have to sit in a stuffy old room every weekend decorated with books, an atlas, and cobwebs
all alone while the rest played downstairs
dressed up for a funeral, where no one died
this has been happening to me for many long years
but I long to hear my mothers voice
Where are you ma?

He looked tired
Almost out of it
Disheveled hair
Bags under the eyes
Eyes staring into space
A huge grin instead of a scowl
That was what got my attention
I waved my hands in his face
He did not look annoyed
He did not protest
He just kept smiling
I’m in love
I nearly choked on my bagel
I coughed,
I sputtered
shook my head making my curls bounce
That’s the worst kind of insanity there is
He smiled again
I’m in love he said to no one

He is starting at the wall
With the hole in the middle
Dads ******* again
Smelled ripe too
Probably owes somebody money
He wonders what he will have to sell this week to make ends meet
Work at the plant has been pretty slow
His moms stuff has been secretly stowed away
She has been out of the picture for years now
He hasn’t forgotten her
He wont let anyone else forget her either
Only a couple more courses till he gets his GED
After that its bye bye to his **** poor place of a home
His dad just blends in the dirt now
Its everywhere
A smallish apartment in the city
A piece of paper allowing him to work from the bottom up to to open up his own club
People music and food
His formula for a good time
Don’t care much about the girls
With their oversized hoops
Skimpy clothes
And ribs sticking out
Rib everywhere!
Looked more like a place for anorexics then a real club last week
He wouldn’t serve alcohol
Mocktails, ****** drinks and beer the non intoxicating kind
***** gummies maybe?
Dad squanders everything every time hes on a drunken rampage
The suns down
The moons up
It didn’t matter
He takes the bottle to bed now
That’s no replacement for mom
He continues to stare at the wall
With the hole in the middle
No dinner tonight
No breakfast tomorrow
He will have to take out the last of the green stuff

I am getting tired of these mini heart attacks
I know I forget
But this is becoming ridiculous
I loose it when I least expect it
On an important day
Or in really bad weather
But definatly on a monthly basis
I do too many things at once
That wont change
But I don’t know how I loose sight of it so quickly
Its incased in a cherry red mess
With a super bright screen saver
Password protected
Comes with its on magnet, power bank and dock
But I still manage to forget where I last put
Or saw it
I instantly forget the rushing feeling of panic
The dread and the grief
Scold myself a billion and one times for having such a lousy memory
Not being able to stay put
But this gets on my nerves
Its scary to think how dependant I have become
How much of my life depends on just 10 little digits

I would hear a lot of about it a child
I would see it in the eyes of my mother
For her kids
For dad
I would feel it when he would grab me in a bear hug
I would see it in the way he sometimes looked at her
Thinking that nobody else was watching
I felt the love when they spoke to each other with their eyes
In their smiles and long embraces
I began to wish for the same many years later
Dad was gone
Mom was fading
I wanted to be saved
Or was it feel safe?
I don’t remember
Forgot all that I knew
When you came along
Don’t know what you did
Or how you did it
But my mom fell in love with you faster then I did
The son she never had
I thought it was weird you always hung around her
Did exactly what she told you
But then I realized you were just looking for a mom
Yours never returned after spending a few hours with you
I slowly started to warm up to you
I remembered all the fairy tales I read
I remembered the happy endings
I wondered if you would stick around long enough to be part of mine
Time passed
Seasons changed
We grew closer
She grew weaker
you went far away
no one could reach you
not even me

I have kissed you
one too many times
shame on me

I woke up feeling worried and anxious
instead rested
it was already dark and snowing
but the feeling would not go away
It was after 5 pm
the feeling sat in the pit of my stomach
the pain was not from pangs of hunger
it was not the usual bit of sadness that always gnawed at my soul
I still could not figure it out
something bad was going to happen
I knew that much
walking out of the room suddenly seemed impossible
even though there was a sliver of light there to guide my path
something hit me
you were already gone
there was no one there in the next room
I just had not gotten used to this

Is there ever a good time to approach a man
Who has been hurting for a very long time
Confused and misguided
Confidence sinking
Debts pilling
I didn’t know anything about all this
You never asked for help
Never made a peep
Quiet, still and asked for space
I have been having a rough time myself
Its been..
Months
I have told no one because I thought I could handle it
I didn’t come to you because I know you would say the wrong thing
Make me feel worse or turn a basic conversation into full fledged argument
I have been quiet
Because I am confused myself
Anything I will say will later turn into a fight
My thoughts make no sense
The conclusion is no where in sight
You spoke you mind
I promised to listen from start to end
I promised to not interrupt
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry
But I feel down right now
Very small
I asked for a hug
I asked for your time
I asked for you to be a little more kind
Engage in acts that show love
Engage in acts that show compassion
But no there is no time for that
its not even a possibility
I am not acting my age
I am being immature
I am being delusional
I am live in a fantasy land
You are all grown up and need all the time in the world
To figure out all the pieces of your life
Get organized and conquer the world
I fit no where
As soon as all the words left my lips
I felt like the biggest fool in the world
I promised myself I wont cry
But now I fear I am breaking
What kind of man shames a person for reminding him of her rights?
of all things that should come naturally
What kind of a man shames a person for asking for love?

Look out the window and tell me what you see
The world Is not that great of a place to be in right now
People blindly trust the disbeliever and bash the one who always had his heart in the right place and thought of everyone else but himself
Education is still very important but kind of overrated
the things that should be taught in school are so much bigger then just a bunch of text books and handbooks that can be printed and bought from a store
Exams set you up for so much more then failure
People care but only about themselves
Fake friends have become more common that fake nails
It is cheaper to live off and mimic peoples ideas and innovations then to think own your own
people are too lazy to do that as well
Apple everything and robots do it for us now
It is easier to break things and watch them turn to dust then to rebuild and prosper
Words are have lost their meanings too
Reading is a luxury but emojis and abbreviations are a must
People will think I am crazy for writing this but it doesn't take an person with a Phd or plain old street smarts to figure out that we are all doomed
The world is truly going to ****

Just when I think I can make it
Out of bed
Out of the house
Something goes wrong
My resolve weakens
Step, step
crack
Step step
crack
They have all begun to talk about it again
About you and her
going on and on
About all the things that you do with her
like you used to with me
I nod like I understand what is happening
But I don't
I try to smile
But these eyes will brim with tears
Soon
For as long as I live
I will never get over it
Over you?
Over us?
which ever one hurts less
Or maybe hurt is all the same
My hands shake
They turn into fists
But before the day comes to an end
These hands will cup together in prayer
For you
For her
For all of you

I am so very confused right now
I don’t know if I should hold on or let go
I don’t believe in signs
I believe in second chances, but the outcome is usually the same
I get hurt
He may hurt but never shows it
I wish I knew how to do that
Why do we all want the things we cannot have
Why can’t this be enough
knowing that things have changed
We have changed
We have grown up
Time has passed
But something still feels the same
The same old sadness when you leave
The same old panic when you avoid me
The same old anger when you go on asking too many questions
Apologies aren’t enough
The words are stale
The sincerity comes off sounding phony
So whats left?

No use in looking at the clock
He’s still sleeping
Softly snoring away
I wonder what’s he’s dreaming about
Not me I hope
I’m wide awake
I count all the stars on the walls for the third time
I pace down the hallway hoping it will calm me down
Turn on a light or two
Pour myself water to only not be able to drink it
The cold air doesn’t help
It grabs at my bare skin
Travels all the way up to my back
I stand by the window and see nothing
Listen for signs of life
the chirping of birds
Whizzing cars
Barking dogs
Splattering Rain
It’s no use
I’m not going back to sleep
I am up
But my demons are one step ahead of me

This feels like a death sentence
For a crime I did not commit

**** me now
It would be a lot kinder

For Love mother asked gently
For Fame little sister wanted to know
For Friendship dad guessed
For Money my husband scoffed
For Power friends concluded
For Revenge My bitter half gleefully asked
For the Touch of another an ex boyfriend whispered
For A Fix a con artist demanded
For An Escape my best friend inquired
For A Permeant Solution my head wondered
For One Last Yesterday the child in me screamed

No, no no, Just a huge slice of Ferrero Roche Cake made from chocolate mousse and hazelnut my stomach answered

Do not look away
I know you were staring
Yes I look smashing tonight
but take me away from here
from all of these sultry and bored looking jezebels
******* dressed and ready
to do whatever you like for the next hour
or for the rest of the night
if you are the adventurous type
In twos threes and the whole lot
I do not want to be here
I did not come here by choice
I was led astray by a man who promised me love loyalty and passion
I trusted him a little too much
I was sober when I did this
but then I woke up in a dark room with only the tiniest bit of light there to see that I had pretty much nothing on
with a searing pain between my thighs and strange markings of neck and back
I know it will not stop here
just this one time
I will have to entertain many more
morning or night
he wont always be the nice type
They will pin me down
gag me
tear away at my ****** flesh
You know how I know?
I heard everything from the room next to mine
Oh how she cried, bitterly begged for mercy and kindness
pleaded that he come back another day
but the man growled and paid her no mind
ripped off cloth and had his way with her till the sun came up and woke me up from my slumber
I tossed and turned but could not really sleep
my stomach hurts and I do not want to suffer the same fate as her
I can tell that you are different
You have nice calm eyes
you talk to the woman very kindly
go out of your way to bring them little gifts
rose colored scented soaps or books
flowers that I may weave in my hair later
I do not know when I will get out of here
how I will get out of here
but at least you and I can be friends
Be all that I was deprived of because I was born a girl

Love must taste like a warm criss-crossed apple pie with vanilla bean ice cream on top
It must be hot
It must be cold
It must be both satisfying and full-filling
It must take a long time to master
A lot of patience is required to get things just right
When you have too much of it you end up  hurting
When you have none of it you feel horrible and empty
I have a sweet tooth and no cure
But I have yet to taste a piece of that warm criss-crossed apple pie with vanilla bean ice cream on top

Sounds

There is so much noise in this house
The cat is purring
The speaking is speaking in French
The washer swishes and swirls
The dryer tumbles
The heater hums
The dishwasher sloshes about
The blender whirls
The oven just tinged
The phone continues to beep and buzz
The computer loads
The shredder shreds
The printer has stopped
It is never quiet in here
Even though it is just mittens and I
The only sound my ears want to pick up on is the sound of the front door unlocking
Your voice ringing through this small house
how I have missed the sound of your voice

The weather outside mimics
my feelings inside
Its cold, dark, and wet
raining nonstop for the last 24 hours
every time I look to the window it is something new
a couple of drops here and there
a slight drizzle which wets the hair and the tips of our noses
progresses to aggressive heavy rain that makes its presence known by constantly tapping on glass windows and slapping the pavement
from there its chaos
something out a movie
heavy wind
grey skies
mad sprays of water everywhere
you can only pray that you have on the right shoes and don't slip
don't become victim to the mess of ***** colored leaves flying about and attacking those shoes
All this rain
isn't good for my joints
every ache and pain translates to words that I have long become accustomed to
this bad weather has me becoming nastier by the hour
All I can feel right now are hot waves of crushing anger
the type of rage that warms up the body
makes it impossible to look at you with kind eyes
every word that comes out my mouth feels like bullets
one after the other
there is no compassion in my voice today
there is no time to catch my breath either
just a flurry of words
no tears
then complete silence
what you have been wanting
for the longest time
there is no coming back from this
so watch your step

Don't forget to read the fine print the cheery looking barista warned me
I shrugged my shoulders and hurried away with my order
What fine print I wondered
You are not a criminal or a patient from an asylum
Rough around the edges
rowdy for sure given that your a cop
one of the finest according to my mom
But what could you have that is worth talking a second look
You read people for a living
You get rid of ****
Make the streets safer then the day before
You are the reason that children can come home to their moms
daughters do not go missing so often
boys stay at school instead of hanging around in abandoned malls, houses and parks
Her words continue to echo in my head tonight
I am trying to slice up peach cobbler and not my fingers
You are in the dining room charming away my parents with promises of always wanting to protect me
look out for me
and help me with my problems
But what about your own
Did you get divorced before
have anger problems that I should know about
An illicit affair with southern bombshell
Dope
too many DUIs to your name
A restriction order from 2009
Still pay child support

Ugh how do you even bring this up to a cop

I really don’t know what everyone keeps on warning me about
She is just perfect
She totally understands me
Doesn’t nag me if I just sit around the Xbox on Fridays
Lets me sleep on the weekends and can bake 3 tired cheesecake
She is also great with the elderly and pets
My pug frost has completely forgotten all about me
He gets lou her slippers
Waits for her by door
Welcomes belly scratching, bubble baths, tofu and painted nails
My aunts always wrinkle her nose and asks for rosee when lou is around and shopping
My friends think that she is definitely out of my league and hiding something
Just because she is size 6, invests in high end make up and practically lives at the gym
Whats is wrong with liking what you see in the mirror?
I am lucky to wake up next to her every morning
But I wonder what she could be lying about
I know about her rough childhood
Alcoholic father
Violent brother
The forced abortion at 19 and drugs at 22
She says she feels happier now and that is all in the past
But I still wonder why she chose to go out with me.

In the mirror
I don’t recognize her
She had waist length hair
She used to be proud of it
Until it began to fall out
Five strands
Twelve strands
Later in clumps
One day while she was eating at table
Plopped right into her dinner
Instead of throwing it away
She uses it as stuffing
Hair for her dolls
She has eyes
Brown with yellow flecks
But she doesn’t know that anymore
She dreams in black now
A lovely singing voice
The church folks love it
Mother adores it
I always thought she was going to make it big
Bigger then the rest of us
That’s all gone now
She speaks in squeaks, grunts and moans
Broken sentences
She has taken to wearing black gloves in the house
Before it was just when she would go outside
They never come off
She will probably wear a veil next
She will never tell me the truth
But I know it is all because of a boy

He looks happy
his eyes smile
his cheeks are puffed out
and his thin lips form the biggest grin
He has an arm around her
Silky black hair till the navel
fair skin
slim nose
kohl lined eyes
pink stained lips
she looks innocent
in love?
content?
Trees surround the young couple
the sky painted is blue
the sun shines down on them
"click"
goes the camera
as well as my heart

Memories
I suppose he has just had a hard day at the office.
My husband normally does not act like this
Harsh  words, red eyes and coughing that hurts my ears
things are very different now
We love each other but something is not there anymore
I think this to myself as I open my closet.
A Box falls out
An old fashioned hat box.
I cannot remember what I kept in there
But I bring it to my bed and pull the top open
I find a few articles in there
A dried up orchid – One similar to the one he bought for me at for prom
I cannot seem to find any photographs of that night
I shrug it off
I pull out yards of flimsy looking material next - A gold dress with sequins
This was from my first night with him. We celebrated new years together when we first started dating
The color is tacky and I don’t think it will fit anymore
I see what else is in the box
I pull out a pair of earrings.
These belonged to his mom she gave them to me on our wedding day
Bless her heart
My hands touch something made from velvet and studs
It’s a collar for a cat
This must be lucy’s his beloved cat- well kitten that he had rescued during a rainstorm
Before I can reach for something else
I see my husband standing in the doorway with a sheepish grin on his face
The same one that me blush only 15 years ago
“You were not suppose to see that until much later Susan”
I smile back. “What will you put next into the box”?
His smile gets bigger and he whips out a Polaroid camera
Snaps a picture and drops it in the box
A picture of you with not a drop of makeup on, hair down and what I hope is love in your eyes.

Do I leave or ask him to stay?
Will it be different this time
Or will i fall for it all over again
All because of those **** eyes
A brilliant blue with flecks of grey
I can see a storm brewing in those eyes
everything gets better after a storm right?
Clear skies and all
The grey goes away and all that is left is spell-bounding shade of blue
So blue that it gives me hope
I want to trust him again, but how?
Another piece of me will just break off
If I take a step towards him
Then second and a third
I don't want to go very far
Just close enough to be embraced
To melt
that's not possible anymore
His eyes seek forgiveness
his body language signals ******
I can hear him talk
he speaks with a poisoned tongue
They spill sickly sweet words
Words that turn into phrases
Phrases that turn into sonnets
My ears have heard everything
I can tell you when the curtain will fall
my heart has not gone cold yet
My mind wants to believe him again
But how?

2 minutes of pleasure
A life time of regret

What comes to mind, when some one cries out "poison"
Cleopatra's bejeweled goblet filled with an red elixir
Snow whites Poisonous red apple
cookies laced with white powder
It is hard to say and even harder to see,
But something so beautiful
could often have a guy running the other way
But I find myself running towards it
I don't fancy shiny red apples or drink
Its her lips I am after
sometimes red, or pink
natural, lined or glossy
luscious and pouty
I cannot say which one I prefer the most
but I stare at them more often then I would like to admit
Spewing out big words brought on my anger and confusion
spreading sweet nothings dipped in honey
empty promises, witty one liners
They have no effect on me
But I do wonder what it would be like to have them pressed against my own
at the most unexpected moment
away from peoples lingering stares
I imagine it to be the type of kiss that will sent my heart soaring
awaken me from my slumber
fix my horrible posture
and give me the courage to confess my love to her

Made Up
It is time for another night out with freinds
I have been looking forward to this
I pray that bill behaves tonight
He tends to smile a lot and becomes a little too friendly with woman in our group of 8  
The past few weeks have been on him with his foster mom passing the house needing more repairs and a possible down-sizing at work
so i did not say anything to him yet
I have my dress all pressed and ready to go but i am not sure of  what shoes to wear with it
my feet have not yet healed yet her dropped a box on it the other day
he said it was a mistake so i believe him
My crimson hair is still a disheveled mess he hates it when it tie it up
so i keep it down even though it gives me a headache
But what to with my face?
Can concealer and a proper foundation hide the  scars left on my face because I forgot the house keys at work and was late my picking up tommy from school because to much traffice
My eyes are a dark shade of blue I say they my best feature but my eyelids are colored purple. So maybe a little eyeliner and mascara e hide the damage
My lips have a healed a bit from last night
Dinner did not exactly as planned
The chicken was too spicy and the potatoes a little under seasoned
In my defense-- it was a new recipe
They are already a peculiar shade of red I may  have something in the top left drawer to match that color.
I best leave my hair down for tonight
I do not want anyone finding out about the burn marks
Petunia Georgia and June will  only gossip about this
My shoulder and arms still feel tender
leather is not good for the skin
Good thing my dress has long sleeves
Now where are those pesky shoes
I think i saw my purse somewhere here as well
The room is a mess- He raged about something earlier
Well i should be getting dressed now
He hates waiting on people and I know better

It has been a rare kind of day
I woke up feeling refreshed instead of the usual toss and turn
White omlett with cheese, freshly sqeezed OJ fried taters and greens done right
The water pressure did not falter this morning and relaxed all the right muscles
My dress felt extra crisp and my nails were on fleek
No new scars in sight, I was atually glowing
No highlighter necessary
Shopping was enjoyable and not so much a chore
I saw something I liked but didnt bring it home
Catching up with freinds and discussing plans for the summer and upcoming gigs was a breeze
Lunch was delighful because I got the table i really wanted and that cranky tight lipped waiter was no where in sight
Rice and balsamic salmon with a much needed lemoncello hit the spot
I was ok with no dessert
That an with the sad eyes and cute accent at the next table did make serious eye contact with me though
Ah- maybe next week, I bet he will get bored of that brown haired spray tanned ***** hanging on to his every word and carrying a pink rhinestone celly everywhere
I mean everywhere!
Maybe I will stop by at the jewellery store to add on another charm to my bracelete
A lady bug or a daisy I saw a few on the way here
Sketch a little, I think im finally sit still
I should be going home soon
I feel like painting tonight in shades of blue black and grey
A face in the distance
Hope
A fighting spirit
Not sure yet but this is a start
I still miss you daddy

Details are so important
But we are usually too much in a rush to even care
We only want to look at the big picture
Profit or Loss
Good or Bad
Nice or Mean
Lust or Commitment
It all comes down to two choices
To succeed or to fail
to work things out or abandon it
But no one cares about the details
her favorite flower
His choice of coffee brew
The significance of lemon scented aftershave
what july 25 may mean to someone
sapphire birthstones
white roses
purple balloons
Hershey kisses
The details are endless but usually mean something
Why do we only pay attention to then when the end is near
when words become scarce
Why do we take such comfort in the meaning of things
when the story is over
when a loved one has already departed

Can you still hear it
Every time you get up at 6 am to work a thankless permanent job for the rest of your life while he goes to the office and the kid is at school?

Can you still hear it
When you slave away at a 9-6 job at some fast food joint 6 days a week
Hoping that you'll get a raise soon because life at home is unbearable

Can you still hear it
As you work day and night to complete that bachelors degree in engineering so that you don’t have to stick around to see your father drink himself to death and your mom stressing herself out about how she is going to marry you off to someone good hearted stranger

Can you still hear it
As you come home to a clueless rich husband who prides himself on his work ethic and large circle of friends but still hasn’t figured out how to get close to you or make you smile after 7 years of marriage!

Can you still hear it
As you work to complete college work through night school working 2 different jobs and wonder if there is something better in store for you then staying in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy and was built on a promise to a dying parent or relative

Can you still hear it
As you spend another day in the hospital hoping it will be the last day of eating bland food, swallowing pill after pill, loosing more blood and living on the hope of finding a donor

Can you still hear it
As you waste another evening dressing up and putting on high heels for another boy to come see you, eat your food, whisper in his mother's ear and wait for the family to reject you because your too thin, too dark and too loud

Can you hear it
As you waste time day after day in the gym and find no joy in bulking up but would much rather be spending time handling paint, clay and ink

Can you hear it
As you wipe your tears and wonder what to feed your two babies because the cheque bounced and you wont get paid for another three days

The little voice that wants you to live for yourself and not others

The little voice that wants you to follow your heart and not live based on people’s opinions

The little voice that demands that you not settle for average and for something that you truly want instead

The little voice that screams that you deserve better

The little voice that yells that you shouldn’t stifle your dreams for others comfort, or false appearances

Find that voice before it turns into a whisper

Untitled
I needed a break
so I threw my self into all the things that needed to be done every day and neglected you for some time
for 3 months or so
I have never been away from you for so long
but that should have been enough time to cleanse the mind
I am happy to say that the tears are gone
the wall is slowly going up
I am ok with this
I need to focus on me
I gave you way to many chances
too many fresh starts
bid you goodnight with hey don't worry tomorrow is a new day
well now that's going to change
It isn't really me it was always you
I took the first step and then second and kept on going
but like always you never stayed in one place
you were actually all over the place
and I always found myself in a mess and had to stay calm no matter what
because well, one of us had to be grounded
That should have been your job too at times
especially when I got tired of the drama and feelings and wanted to feel and understand no more then the warm embrace of your arms
it would have been more then enough to shake away the cold thoughts and insecurities
I smiled and exuded confidence but most of the time for your own benefit
Now I cant even do that for myself
I have formed the habit of staring into the distance and thinking hard
so hard that people now think that I am always mad
mad at world
when truthfully I am just mad at you
I know, that's long overdue
but it's true
so mad I could scream cry and break things but I wont
I will just continue to stare as the wall goes up
I don't mind
I am ok with that

You stare into a pool of black
Swirling it to no end
I didn’t like her much you say
I want to laugh out loud
But I cant
It will sound like broken glass
Shes gone but finally happy
She liked you
She really tried
But got tired of waiting
For you to grow up
To come around
5 years and you haven’t changed much
You work now and yet you cant tame your tongue
You live in a big house now but you cant make proper eye contact
You drive a fancy car now but cant bring yourself to do something thoughtful or sweet
I don’t blame her for feeling bitter
I don’t blame her for moving away from you
You don’t look up from your drink
You begin to fidget with something else now
I want to shake you
I want to slap some sense into you
But you remind me that you didn’t like her very much
If she is to blame
Then so are you
But I don’t say anything
She is gone now
The house is empty
The papers have been sent
The ink has dried
You smiled when she left
But I don’t say anything
I stare into the pool of black
Swirling it to no end

I wonder if he has forgotten
What you may ask?
It is not Valentine’s Day
It is not my birthday or our first anniversary
But the little things that make relationship really great
Don’t get me wrong I still love him
He has gentle eyes and an easy laugh
I know some woman prefer great abs and a killer smirk
But that is what I always look for in a man
He laughs openly, works tirelessly, and loves unconditionally
I couldn’t ask for anything more
But I am still waiting on that morning coffee!

Maybe he is just running late
Its way past 12
The candles still burn bright
The food is not yet cold
The wine is crisp
I am here alone dressed to ****
But a party one is no fun

He promised He wouldn’t be late tonight
Its so quiet in here that I can hear myself think
My thoughts are really uncomfortable too
He knew this was important

I had some things to tell him
Now before its too late and I really change my mind
I probably wont I can’t deceive him
Not again

Time is running out
I am living on borrowed time
I am ready to leave
I have made my peace
Did practically everything on my bucket list
Kissed my relatives and wrote my parents letters
Graduated, worked to make a difference
Loved and Lost
But Now I have to leave

I hope he comes home soon
I want to see him, talk to him one last time
Before these eyes close

No more pink lenses
To try on
Memory after memory
Plays on
déjà vu
Leaves behind
Bittersweet
Felings
Time
Stretches
Further
Feelings arise
Love
Loss
Emptiness
Aching
Cant get rid of it
The heart
Warms up
Freezes
But
always
In constant pain

So tell me why I am here again
What crime have I really committed
Ankle bracelets turn you off
So you opted for a watch
It must be on my wrist all day long
I thought it was sweet you remembered my birthday
But you really shouldn’t have gotten me anything
Really!
I am practically under house arrest
You never let me go out
There's a **** curfew too
I can be out from 8-6pm
What!
The world goes to **** at 6:01pm?
I cant socialize with my friend
Absolutely no partying
No get togethers
No opportunities to rake in extra cash
You can stop sending in the envelopes
They get fatter every week
Sometimes its grass
Otherwise its snow
Sell your own stuff
Self respect
I don’t know what that is anymore
I have to be at your beck and call
I have to answer at the second ring
Doesn’t matter what I am doing
Where I am at
All the msgs have to read and recorded
Every expense has to be accounted for
My diet consists on what you think is right
My baths and showeres are timed
To conserve water? I don’t think so
No extra minutes on my life plan
Not even over the weekend
You say that you care
You say all you want to do is protect?
Me?
Yourself?
Your steps?
Your double life?
Your methods are so wrong
The uniform still fits
Will you spoon feed me next?
Put on a password for the tv?
Its late and I am tired
I stay awake on nights
Wondering if you’re a man
Or a monster
Thank gods my mom’s dead
No ones here to really see any of this
You still continue to fool everyone
Patrol car
Fancy badge
Aviators
The laws in this house are corrupt
I don’t know how my brain hasn’t rotted from all this by now

So another day ends
I Lay awake
the wind howls
finger like branches knock at the windows
I feel lonelier then usual
cinnamon offers very little comfort
but she's fast asleep in her fuchsia coloured doggy bed
the though of filling my insides up with rosy liquid in the harsh light of the television seems depressing
I need something stronger
meditation is off the table
I finished the last of my cigarettes
forgot the lavender oil and bubble bath
on purpose, I think
there is no one to hold me in the midst of all the bubbles and soft glow of tea lights
no one to hold my hands as I am curled up in something of yours with my hair in curlers
just talking about insignificant things
silly things
the small things
I miss it
the sound of your voice
the feel of your touch
your scent
I know you will never come to the phone
you have stopped paying attention to my messages
is it more time that you need?
or have you already made up your mind?