For days I have been silent
Not out of fear or shame but out of loss
The loss of the ability to love
The loss of who I was, the me inside the careing soul
That is lost
I try to re start what is lost
I try to feel but im dead, dead inside
No more love than an executioner
Less of a life than a zombie
I simply go through each day remoresful of what I can no longer be
I have no more words just shame
Begone

I knew where to find her, I simply couldn't look. My dark days wrestling with daemons had to be alone. No other could be in the battle I had to maintain a thread of clarity. But no matter how long or how hard I tried. No other moved  my very soul as she, yet eerily we never made one of our halves. Daydreaming and days weeks years pass and my heavy heart yearned more each day for her embrace. Now alone I know she didn't feel the churning inside that drives a soul to extremes. What now becomes of me.

I am not here to paint the dawn the colours you require each day
Nor can I make the breeze gentle enough to cool you on a summers day
I can't make a peach taste just right or the dress you want two shades lighter and a little longer
I can't fix all that is wrong in your life by putting a plaster made of dollar bills over the imaginary wound
For if you wake each day thinking somebody today will fix it all
Then you will go to sleep each night with all the same expectations and nothing to show for the day
But it's ok
There is always Starbucks

Tickles your fancy it does
Its wrong you know it shouldn't do
But as his **** hit the floor
I really wanted to applaud
I picked him up all a fluster
His girlfriend laughing like a ******
Me back! .Me back he cries in pain
Still she laughs in his face
Where humour was it Is no more
Yet she laughs more and more
Like an evil witch she mocks him still
Reality check if I was him!

She said live today like it's your last.
I didn't know she was a serial killer.
I was told she could light up a room. Arsonists are like that
Live for today.
Bailiffs love those kinds of people.
Seize the day. And that your honours is how my client comes to be before you today.

Sleep in dreams of laughter
Wrapped in velvet covers
Drapped with silk
Sleep in silence not fear

It wasn't so difficult
It didn't feel wrong
As she went out shopping
But shopping for love

She knew what she wanted
The same that she had had
Just younger and attentive
Before he was a dad

Muscles and tanned
Not a care in the world
Just meat on the market
No one gets hurt

But a game of passion
A tryst of deciet
Lie to ones hart
Opens a rift

The stolen moments
More needy and often
Eat at the fabric
That holds her as one

The husband the father
The daddy the rock
Is now just a stranger
His soulmate is gone

They watched, they always do.
Tearing you apart without a word.
Looks at first, then the whispers
Is that the reason why?
He isn't with his wife.
Has he gone to the other side.
Has his taste changed so much?
Oh the rumours hurt so much.
No his taste it hasn't changed
He just wants someone who feels the same.
Until that day be it near or far
Keep your noses out my yard.

Into the green grocers
Within you an appetite
You see all the attractive colours
The beautiful smells and textures have you mesmerized. Some are full juicy and large
Others bright colourful and petite
Some with unusual markings
Inviting inspection.
Yet there are others unattractive
Having a beautiful scent
A delicate skin and a taste
Oh so  sweet inside
Some are prickly to the touch
Uninviting, simply protect the goodness within
Then there's the fruit that looks good
All it's bright colours dazzle the shopper
It gives off the most alluring of fragrance
It is soft to touch yet rotten to the core
Over ripened and of no use
Which do you seek?
I mean fruit of course!
Don't I?

Just once I wish you would open up and reveal what you dislike of yourself, what you hate, what you do not love.
Show me the dark places within your soul so the light can reach them..
For there is where I must begin

Strange the way your laughter once filled the room
Now I only hear you in silence
For once a soul leaves your life
Only their echoes remain

Hear it?
The white noise?
Lie awake, it's louder
Like leaves rustling in my ears
Or the constant tone?
Yeah you know!
The noise won't leave you alone

The maths was wrong for exam results, that caused a mums revolt.
Now you're messing with primary schools and half the kids have Covid.
Then you rolled the dice again and landed on a 6, geometric progressions really aren't your thing.
If six meet six and six meet six and six meet six today, saving the NHS will be next weeks headline again.
And now it seems companies scammed your furlough scheme while you were buying PPE, you mates made a fortune but was useless to me.
We ate out to help out, that was the catchy line. What will be the next one..
Stay home or f###### die?

Walking on ice
Well slipping more like
Trying to balance
Waiting to fall
Knees all bent
*** on the floor
Brace for collision
Try to control
Bad decisions
Haven't we all
Falling on ice
More or less
A fools errand
Bruised like the rest

Do you look at a woman and wonder if
she can do all the things your mother did?
Do you look at her hands for signs of wear or check out the roots in her flowing hair
Or do we pass in a glance and write her off?
Too old, too tall or her figures gone south
Do you look at the the lines upon her face and imagine the emotions from which they were made?

Do you listen to the laughter and the change in her voice relaxed after a glass of her favourite red or do you simply ponder  how too take her to bed

Did you listen to all that she had to say or do the words she says just fade away
Did you pay attention or miss the cue
Because that was all you had to do

Do you now watch as she walks away?
All those words she tried to say
The looks she gave and all the hints
All of them you completely missed


All that she was willing to give
But you never saw her skills

For we look at each other and miss so much of all the signs of another's love.

So raise you eyes and try to see what others try to show to you
For if you don't and keep them down
You will spend your life all alone.

Woo woo woo I got a get some sleep
Woo woo I'm not as young as I feel
Woo woo just one more drink
Woo woo its all gone blurred
Woo woo the floor hurts
Woo woo slerp slerp
Woo woo
Woo
Snooze zzzzz

Go on big boy take a bite
You'll love the taste its full and ripe
If you take a bite I'll be nice to you
You know that thing my mouth can do
I know god said to never touch
You know you like my mouth SO much
Bite it now I'll be your *****
You'll love the way I make you twitch
So Adam bites the juicy apple
The fans now on the ***** to follow
Gods ****** of you thieving ***
You listened to the snake with **** !
A rib I used to get her here
I think I'd rather you stayed as queer
You can't trust a word she hisses out
I'm off alone to knock one out!

I shouldn't be allowed to like this, for I weren't the eyes looked into.
But of all her photos this one says so much.

My ***** have dropped
My legs are stumpy
My face is drooling as well!
My nose is running down my face
I'm potbellied too
My clothes don't fit
My hair is gone
I'm freezing off my **** !
My eyesight is crap
I can't hear a thing
Lets face it folks
If I wasn't snow
I'd be on Jeremy Kyle!
With 15 kids and a wife that sleeps around
Thank Christ I'm gone when the sun comes out and she doesn't take me home!

Broken glass is plentiful in this world.
Metaphorical or not it surrounds
Like a trail of broken hearts all glass all smashed
Feet bleed constantly
Those who's break
For those who follow
Others wear shoes, that numbs the pain, yet dulls the senses.
Life without feeling
The feeling be it pain is a remimder
The glass a memory
The hurt a lesson learnt
Broken glass is ever plentiful

I have friends who sing, friends who dance.
Some are gay and some are not.
Some share opinions, others won't.
Some made mistakes and others  they don't.
Some aren't white some are aren't.
Some are political, some are not.
Some like cats others dogs.
Some are spiritual, some not.
Some are tactile and others arms length.
Some share every detail when they vent.
Some say little but are always there.
Some get offended and others don't care.
Some scream foul, others referee!
But I love there differences, how do they see me?

I once commented upon the pants ******* rollercoaster ride that is life
Someone said "What you consider important today, will not be a priority tomorrow"
Tell that to a cancer patient
A parent whos child is bullied
A lover who finds texts on their partners phone
A child who looses a parent..
Maybe we were on a different ride in a different car after all

Sometimes you think you shouldn't care when all around you don't see your pain.
Sometimes all that's left is an empty chair that's all they see not who was there.
Sometimes you think that no one sees any of the life you lead or how you struggle to make ends meet.
Sometimes it's easy for them to say **** it all and run away, maybe they did just that, yet don't understand you can't.
Sometimes you tire of trying to be, the strong one in a weakened chain.
Sometimes you look at my mistakes, afraid to make more for companys sake.
Sometimes you curse being alone when you couldn't leave aged parents alone.
Sometimes you look into their eyes and see you are all that keeps them alive.
Sometimes you wake and check on them, in case they died while you slept.
Sometimes you want to explain your chains to people who don't see your pain, or how you're bound and sacrifice what you crave every night.
A river runs through all our lives where others swim and dive.
Not joining them is a price you pay when you are torn to stay and be a son.

Tonight I was painting my dads garden planters. I built them for him last year. At 85 he is too old to bend down to ground level. So I decided to raise his garden up three feet. Now he has immense pleasure in being able to garden again. While I was painting away listening to music he came out with a cuppa. I was listening to Rachmaninoff. His 2nd piano concerto. I love it. Dad used to play it to us when I was a child. Brings so many good memories back. He stood listening and said that's beautiful who is it. At that point I thought how cruel growing old is. One of his favourite pieces of music and he didn't recognise it. I was about to say come on pops you must know this then I saw the look in his eyes. As though he was in his youth hearing this masterpiece for the very first time. His mind decades in the past. At the end he raved about it. I said what it was and he processed the thoughts and said yes I have it played by the man hinself on an LP. Then tells me John Barry used it in the Movie Somewhere in Time. His brain now full speed ahead.
We have good days and bad days in lifes journey. Dad and I have had to many bad ones of late.
But I learned something from him again tonight. Always remember ..
We are all just somewhere in time.
Use that time wisely.

So who is there?
Who owns the voices?
Are they within or without?
Do they exist at all?
Do they live?
If so in this plane or another
Are they a sonic holography?
Simply echoes of others in another place
Past present and future all together
All I'm the same instant
All talking
So who is there?

So when looking at others you see outwardly what they want you to see
You can sense from their actions where  they in fact are even if they don't know.
From their words more.
Their touch more again.
We colide with people and on collision loose parts of us and gain debris.
Seldom we collide when at the same state of mind in body and emotions.
Often it's in turmoil from a recent collosion.
To some extent greater or lesser we all move from definition to definition of what and who we are or become
Its the perception of inner self relative to others
and to ones self.
That is the soul

I know you can hear me
I know
A whisper
But always there
Before every move
Every thought.
The voice of
Conscience

Listening to the stories they wallow in past glories with no grasp of the now
Always first to speak and last to listen
Never existed just pull up your socks
Fake to gain attention
Always been odd that one
Where did they go
Never said goodbye
Selfish

There are thoughts that become questions in every mind.
Some must remain thoughts.
Others are spoken, but not for all to hear.
Such thoughts can be enlightened to the receptive.
Or simply noise to the unhearing.
There is always the postilion where no driver is there to speak.
No ears to hear
Just a lone traveller
Alone with their thoughts

Next!

Hi my names Janet
I want to save the planet
I like little dogs and lots of

Next!

I am Glen meet you is good yes
I am from the Ukraine
I once made a windmill out of matchsticks
I can skin a rabbit if you like stew!

Next!

I'm Pippa I ride horses I have powerful thighs
Do you like horses, do you ride?
I could ride with you

next!

Hello I'm Lorraine back here again
Last time I met a musician
It was ok at first till he blew on my *******

Next!

I'm Joy I like uniforms and outdoors
I quite like uniforms indoors
Do you have a uniform?

Next!

My name is Joanne I read all I can
I  just finished 50 shades of Grey
It's changed my life, you look nice
Do you wear ties all the time

Next!

Hi I'm Tracey do you like films I love films
My ex used to film me, would you like to see
I have it on my phone, I'm the one in the mask!

Next!

My names John the girlies are gone
Sorry none  wanted you this time
We meet next week for another 20 quid
You might get lucky then!

Daily I feel the pain in my chest like a reminder of the clock of life.
Anxiety or stress?
Who knows which?
But it remains like a choke hold on my heart.
Sometimes unbearable.
Frightened it may be the one.
The attack.
Then it subsides

Reminds me of this..

Oh they have always been there.
Watching in the shadows, waiting.
Playing the long game.
At the supermarket, just out of sight in the next isle.
Two seats back on the bus, not too close.. But near enough.
Like a shadow in the shadows.
That stranger you see when you close the curtains..
Just waiting...
Till you invite them in.

I try every day...
Putting the stars back in the sky

For so long I watched people fall into darkness.
Like the stars that shone so bright in my life.
Put out by others darkness the beauty removed, the light extinguished.
I was one of those stars, gone.
I couldn't shine as so many dark clouds hung over me.
We are all the same.
All we are is the dust from stars, nothing more... or are we.
I wallowed in darkness of depression like a weather front obscured me.
Dark clouds others left.
But sometimes I would see a star shine in the night sky I just had to wait for the clouds to clear.
I would hang onto its light like my very life depended upon it.
The wind simply blew them...away.
That was it!!
They hadn't stopped shining, nor had I.
We just couldn't be seen for all the dark clouds in life.
It was like a eureka moment.
What if each day I did one act to clear someones clouds.
Try and blow them away a little bit.
Do that and someone sees them shine.
Ask nothing in return save this..
When you can however small, blow someone elses clouds away if you can.
So I began.
Sometimes it was something big to move a cloud.
More often just something they couldn't do themselves but massive to them.
I mean we are just the stuff of stardust, just energy so why not use it?
Could it be that simple?
One cloud at a time pushing them out of the way.
Little clouds mostly and occassional big cloud and the odd storm.
But.. it worked.
Putting the stars back in the sky one deed at a time.
Here's the point.
My life is full of stars again.
People who shine because helping them clear their clouds gave me back that.
Try it
Just one little thing to remember..
If you help one star shine
you brighten your own sky..
Their clouds may be your clouds too!
You may not get it right every time.
One day at a time
One cloud at a time
But try x

It's a race the rats won't enter
Rodents have more sense
Than working just to live
In a place we only rent
For the humans run the planet
Well that is what they think
Reality is they've lost it
There is no human race.

Is there a cultural or historic version of Genocide?
Where you eradicate all nods to a past culture.
Erase any trace of it?
Does that not mirror the wrongdoings of the oppressors. Using the same ideology of a scorched earth policy.
If we wipe out all traces of a past discression who will remind us of it's danger.
Is it civilised to destroy one section of history?
You can't change it. You can learn from it and create a better future.
But destroying the past will never change it.
Only risk its repetition.
Why not leave them and put signs under them.
Explain who they were.
What they did.
Their terrible legacy.
Make them a monument to the shame of past ideology.
This won't sit with many peoples current narrative.
Auschwitz wasn't demolished for a reason and people still deny it was ever real.
Erase monuments to slavery and you risk the same fate.
Think clearly.
Not with anger.
Anger is a natural response but won't make this better.
Make a statement that lasts.
Not a fire or rubble that's forgotten.

Stay in they said just don't go out, for a killer lurks all around.

It has no hood no knife or gun, it cares not if you are all alone.

It sticks to things then sticks to you with an oily touch its entered too.

You weren't held up or abused, because your clothes flattered you.

This was different you couldn't see the abuser entered you unseen.

You simply got to close to another, the killer now made you its host.

At first the damage may not show as the killer divides inside and grows.

You may shake it off and never know, yet **** the ones you love at home.

For this killer can't do it all alone, it needs conspirators to plan it's roam.

Like a hitcher it needs a ride, but can't if you just stay inside.

No host and like a stranded soul on a desert island it will die alone.

So wash your hands, Stay at home don't be a killer on the roads.

Walk the dog on your own, and keep your kids busy at home.

Who knows you may be the one, this silent killer....makes their own.

A gentle throbbing at first
Then with the hands twist
The journey begins
Reality replaced by road
Metal and man as one

That's what he misses today
Throbbing but from surgery
To save a life to ride again

He sleeps under anasthetic
He dreams
More and more
The wind gets stronger
As it tugs at him
The engine drowned by music
Ipod at full tilt
Throttle to match
He is alive

A car cannot do this to a man
It cannot feed the soul
As once he said

Four wheels move a body
Two wheels stir the soul

I once believed a woman in seamed stockings could make me do anything.
Once a woman in them made me do many things.
Now I have nothing.

I dream of you always
Late at night when no other is near
My thoughts there inside you
Running round inside my head
Wishing you were here
My dreams are clouded
As I can't see who you are
I could have known you all my life
Yet I've never met you
But still you occupy my dreams

Is there a place lost emotion goes?
To talk to sorrow and loose its soul.
A place where love's favours, labours and graces lost.
A place where hearts are tossed to rot.
Or am I so cold I no longer see any feeling left in me.
No place for a spark or thought to grow.
No fertile flesh no inner glow.
Does it fade away or leak like blood ?
Or evaporate like cold breath does.
My words for once are not a muse I ask a favour of all of you.
Look around at every face, look in their eyes and see that place.
Not the false smile or shielded eyes look behind and peer inside!
Can you see their essence there or a dead bewildered broken stare.
Look closely now and take your time for you won't get a second chance.
For some it is there last chance to smile before depression takes their life. Decision made??
There or not its you who now decides their lot.
Be cruel? Condemn a soul today or smile and give them hope to stay......

Dark skies now roll overhead
The sunlight disappears as the day ends
My thoughts now go back six years
To a night in maternity awaiting your birth
The fear when the midwife said it was going wrong
The joy when later I held you in my arms
You and Emily Rose will never read my prose
That's ok because those who do
Know your daddy loves you
And that's enough

Sitting upon a wobbly fence while people die in a foreign place
Watching and waiting for another to act while spouting rhetorical political chat
Passing blame from one to another as thousands die as the gas clouds smother
So as a world we learnt nothing today as genocide happens again
Auchwitz and Belson we acted to late but promised to learn from man's dark days
So why aren't we doing a **** thing today

Oh love, oh love you fickle tithe.  
You're bespoke to all, yet fitted to none.
You claim hearts for years though they don't retort.
Your rose tinted glasses are covered in dust.
Now as you came you must go,
no longer my thoughts to sully and spoil.

Wrapped in cellophane as though preserved waiting to once again be opened.
He washed the sheets today, a month on.
Her scent now gone but He can still smell her.
He never wanted to feel again. He didn't have the capacity.
An Ill defined future.
Nothing inside
But she lit up the room.
Like an arsonist with no thought as to what or who she burned.
It was like getting excited opening a tin of beans and craving them on toast, and finding half of it is liquid.
That said, she could never be a woman that only ate lettuce.
Her body was the incarnation of curvature.
Its sweeping form more beautiful than anything he had known or imagined, and yet fleeting.
For she was a muse.
Fleeting.
Lost.
Passing through.

Always more
Always more
Always more and more and more
Until you have nothing left to give
Then like packaging
Discarded