I don't
understand
myself
anymore.
I think
I'm blurry,
nothing
is
clear
right now.
I think
my color is
faded,
incorrect,
the wrong shade of me.
I think
I need
to
be
redefined,
made clear.
Can someone
clarify
me?

Hello, doctor,
could you take
a
look
inside my mind, please?
I think
there's
something
incorrect,
something
that
does
not belong?
I just can't seem to think
quite
right
anymore.
I cannot
control
my
thoughts
anymore
and my mind
controls
me
more
than it should.
Doctor, please
help me find
the infection
that I
m sure is lodged
somewhere in my head.

She
is strong.

She held inside of her
a secret desire
She tucked it away
and swore to find the right love
someday.

She
is 40 years old.
24 years ago she realized
her love
was incorrect
and not allowed.
22 years ago
she hid her desire
and found a love
that was almost true.
18 years ago
a family
was created
with a blonde cry in the eighth hour
of the night.
She
was
happy
there.
A husband,
a daughter,
and love, doubtless.
But
deep
inside
hid
her
secret.

5 months ago,
the family split
into 3 pieces.
Love
is
still
there,
but
family
is
a different word.
5 months ago,
her secret was revealed.

A year ago,
she got a new job
and met a woman.
A year later,
love is
a
new
word.

She is 40 years old.
A daughter,
and a mother.
She
hid
for
over
20
years.

Five days ago,
my mother told me that
she
loves
women.
She fell in
love
with her coworker.

She waited
for tears
or screams
or the dismal sound of the
dreaded
dial
tone.

I
gave
her
none
of
those.

I understand.
She
is
40
years
old.

When she was my age love was
man-woman, nothing else could be accepted,
anything else must be
hidden
or
it
would
be
shunned.

I
am
not
angry or sad.

I am
proud
of her.
Because she
is
strong. I am proud
of my
mother,
because she
has come out.
She is 40 years old.
Daughter, wife, mother.
It still isn't easy, especially with all
of
that
love
in her past.
But she
spoke.
Her secret flew
from her lips
at last,
and she could finally breathe.

My mother loves women,
and that's okay with me.

In
   side
my
    head
What
        is
lurking?
           I
just
     do not
know.
         I'm
sorry.

The bear's name wasn't always Heartbreak.
He used to be Teddy Bear Chester, a symbol of the future. He was hope.
His fur was soft when he was first bought, the ribbon on his neck shiny and clean.
His eyes glimmered with artificial joy.
He was hugged tightly on Valentine's Day, greeted with a pleased squeal.
He could feel the love between her and the gifter.
The bear was kept warm every night
as the girl lay and dreamt of her love.
Sometimes he was held tight in daylight, too,
as heartache racked her body and tears threatened to spill.
For months he was loved well.

But then the love was accompanied by pain.
He was moved to a new place, with the same girl.
Different bed, same heart.
Same loneliness and love.

He felt the pain grow in the girl.
The loneliness. The sadness.
There was still love, but it was slowly smothered.

Then it was gone.

So he became the Heartbreak Bear,
his new home a shelf in the closet.
Before he was hidden away he saw
her with a new lover,
a smile on her face.
He felt new love within her,
and closed his eyes as she later tucked him away.
Her touch was still gentle on his now-greasy fur,
ragged from countless nights buried under her covers.
She brushed one last kiss across his head,
then set him down
and closed the door.
And the Heartbreak Bear now sits in darkness.
He can still hear her laughing, feel her loving.
She is still warm.

The hungry men crowd around me,
eyes glistening as they gaze upon my skin;
But one pair of eyes stands out from the rest -
they glisten, too, but there's more than hunger.
I feel connected, protected,
like I'm not just being devoured.
I am being nurtured.

The hungry men moan and groan,
fingers brushing against my neck,
but I step away, towards one.
He is not an eager beast, he is a flower, too,
disguised by the shadows.
The moonlight hit him right to show
fangs and claws and an evil glow.
Take the darkness away, I see
a kinder man staring back at me.
He touches to feel, he feels more than just
the rush of nectar beneath my skin.

The hungry men growl behind my back, but
he is cautious, slow, gentle, warm -
his heart is not a pile of scar tissue.
There are just enough scars for him to understand
that love and hate go hand in hand.
He opens under my touch,
reveals what few people see.
Trust is a foundation,
and we build our castle.

I turn to tell the hungry men goodbye.

He is a soul who needs to be saved,
Who wanders on his own
Who has scars on his soul.

And who am I to try to save him,
Me with the light gray heart,
Who knows the world but has no experience
Who still believes in light?

I am no one, and so is he,
But there's no reason for that to stop us,
No reason give in.

I think that with a bit of time,
Like a bird with a broken wing,
I can fix him.
I can teach him how to love again.

I always find the hungry men,
the wild men,
the ones who are barely restrained
And sometimes they lose control
and the fangs come out
and the claws slice
me into shiny little bits
Stain my petal-skin with blood.

I always find the hungry men,
who tear me apart night after night,
Who make me scream again and again
"Oh, please, not one more bite!"
I fear they will devour me
as they sip lightly on my nectar
But pleasure mixed with pain and fear -
Oh! Explosive, I cannot even think anymore!

I always find the hungry men,
Who make a flower bloom and bleed;
They tear me to bits and try not to breed,
*And in the morning I can still say
"Love."

The pleasure...is good. It is wild, and bright.
But...not the same. Not something to write in the stars, not
something that blazes across my skin,
why?
Why is it different?
Almost gray...

The winds beat relentlessly on my window, as if to say, "Someday, we will carry you away." Perhaps I will just let them take me...

This new exploration
that you're opening me up to
is fascinating and terrifying
and certainly a thrill.
Yes, you do know how to set
a pure girl's heart a-thumping;
You certainly know how to show her
the ways of the night, of sinning in the dark.
It's frightening, for sure,
to be opened and consumed by you,
but such a thrill! Oh, thank you,
for showing me this pleasure.

Ah, you're warm and safe,
yet distant, a little bit cold
It'll take some getting used to,
but I'm willing to try.

Hello, Cupid,
what are your plans for me this year?
I've been lucky for a while now,
but today might not be the same
This guy that I've been seeing,
well, we're not quite really dating?
And he told me last night
that he's not very lovey right now?
Sooooo
I guess today is a single girl's day...
But, hey!
There's still plenty of time
for a V-Day surprise:
roses at the door and Mylar balloons galore
A box of chocolate hearts and
A kiss for the Miss?
There's still an entire day,
so, Cupid, don't waste it away,
I really do love Valentine's Day.

Okay,
so I've let you go,
and I'm oddly calm about it,
no freaky heart about it,
no hyperventilation, over-exaggeration
no panicking and crying on the floor about it
I think maybe I'm okay
I think maybe that today
it is safe to say
that I'm moving on
from you.
And thank you, dear sir, thank you
You opened my eyes to so much of the world
You showed me love, and you showed me heartbreak
So thank you, dear sir, yes, thank you,
And feel free to stop by again
someday.
You have a place in my heart, a special place, always;
You're welcome here, always
I'm not mad at you, I swear
Am I sad, au contraire!
I think that I feel rather freed...
Leaving me without a goodbye
Left me on the floor, feeling like I might die
All I really needed was some closure
So, thank you, dear sir, thank you
For tossing this gal one last word.

What is poetry? Is it music? Is it love? Is it boring? Is it magic?
Poetry, to me, is medicine.
Reading it is like my grandmother rubbing a soothing balm across my wounds. Writing it is like crying: the tears that never leave my eyes leave my pen instead, trailing across the page to bleed in ways that would **** me if the ink were blood from my body.

I'm just so tired of being so strong,
and the secret is that I really just want to break.

I have a secret:
I am self-destructing.
No!
Don't tell!
Please, just let me go...
if I can't save myself.
You see, the demon in my head is controlling my limbs again,
but I know I can fight him if I really try.
Yes, he makes me bleed and he makes me cry,
but I swear he will never make me die.
I can fight this *******, the terrible beast,
you'll see.
Just don't tell, okay? Don't tell
the world that I'm self-destructing.

We said that we would fix each other,
and we did...
but we fussed too much over the hairline cracks that remained
And we broke each other again and again.

I don't think you realize how big of a hole
you really left behind -
I'll be bleeding forever unless you return.
There is no cure to this,
the worst withdrawal.
Without you, it's hard to breathe
To walk
To love
You're my drug, and you've been taken away
I think the symptoms of this withdrawal
might **** me just before the day
that you return, and into you I once again fall.

And with you goes a piece of me...
lost as long as you are gone.

Ah...
Talking to you again, seeing you smile, hearing you laugh
is like
stepping into an old library
that was once a favored childhood hideout
Taking a deep breath
and letting the warm scents and memories wash
over me and remind me
How it feels to be content.
Memories stain the paper
and I smile as I read.

I won't give up
I don't give up
I can't give up
I have not given up
*on you.

So I must learn to be without you,
but I promised to never let go,
Didn't I?
And when you've returned
from your journey through the darkness,
You will find me, waiting, arms open
Smile wide
I hope that you'll be happy to see me
I will wait here forever
*I've been waiting for so long

once the time of cheer has ended,
wintertime is deadly.
My heart breaks
My breath disappears
My limbs become rigid and useless
every year
I die
Because of winter.

Hello, distant lover
Remember me?
I've been waiting here in silence
For you to once again greet me
You've been lost for a while, I hear
And you're not quite sure what to do
Here is just a small reminder
for you, my distant lover:
I am always here for you.

I wish I could say this
In a place that you would hear
But you are already gone, I fear
But if you're still alive, listen close, my dear:
I know that the pain is strong
Maybe you can't even feel it anymore,
There's just so much.
I know your heart is broken,
Your life seems quite lost,
But time heals all wounds, have you heard?
Patience and faith can help you through
Not faith in a deity but faith in time
Time will pull you through
And if you die you leave us behind,
You leave him, he who love you
He hurts, too, and he's lost
He's in the darkness, I don't know where
He's wandering so close to the edge
And he can't even see it
If you're gone, he just might find it...
And fall.
If you're gone, you won't be the only on affected
at all.
A death affects a wide range of people,
From a family
To a circle of friends
To a school of over 2,000 people
To even a community, a town full of strangers
No one wants to hear that Juliet is dead again
And Romeo lost his way
14 years of age, now that's a confusing time
Certainly not a time to die
You're not Juliet, you still have a life!
And Romeo, oh, Romeo, he can still find you again
Someday
When you're not a little girl and he's not quite so young
When you cannot be controlled anymore
Then, if you still want him, if he still wants you,
Then you can have him, and he, you!
It takes patience, it takes time, and yes, there's a lot of pain,
But you can survive, I know it!
You'll be okay, I can feel it.

I wish I could tell you this
Standing in front of you
With a hug and a tissue,
Maybe a cookie or two

But I'm not, I'm miles away
So it's up to you to
Raise your voice and cry for help
And learn what patience does.

I don't know if I'm happy or I'm sad,
Or maybe even mad
It's possible that I'm insane
Somewhat broken in the brain
I'm crying inside
But keep a smile on my face
Because I don't want anybody to know
Who I really am
I don't want my lost love to know
That I'm falling apart and I'm fixing myself
The pieces are crooked and not quite right
I fall apart again every single night
But my skin is made of steel,
I have a heart of gold and diamonds
I will always shine no matter if life drops me in the mud.
I can be in the deepest pit, and you'd still see me shine
Because my love is strong and my faith is right:
I believe not in the invisible ruler
But in myself - I have the strength to do it,
Anything.
So yes, I'm broken, yes, I'm bent
But no matter how long I have to cry and vent,
Someday I will rise and fly
Like the prettiest songbird in the sky
With my love by my side and my kin nearby
I will fly, I will fly, and I'll keep shining
No matter what life brings my way.

You think I don't see you avoiding me;
You're pushing me away
You think I don't worry about you
more every single day
Something's wrong with you,
Something is hurting you
I wish I knew,
I wish I knew...

Hey, little star,
you know who you are,
that beacon in the sky that shone for me...
You shot away
Into outer space
You said that you wanted to be free!
So I've let you go,
but I hope you know
I'll never forget the truth that lies
inside my heart, in the warmest part:
You're the most beautiful thing ever seen by these eyes.

Does she make you smile?
Yes, good!
Does she make you laugh?
Yes, well, good!
Does she fill the empty space that you dug into your soul?
I hope it's not so...
I hope it's not so!
Because I know!
I know that you know:
It can't be denied that you're for me...
And that little hole,
that hole in your soul:
That is a spot reserved for me!

I'm sure you're happy
now that you're free,
but I don't think she knows the cure...
There's a sickness inside you,
a darkness that I've seen;
Does she really know you?
Can she really help you,
or is she suppressing a scream?

Don't scare her away,
I know she's trying hard
to keep your demons at bay
How well does she do?
Can she win those battles like I do?
You see, I don't really think
That she knows what she's doing
Yes, she's sick, too,
But not the same as you,
And how can you cure each other
If you don't even know what's wrong?

Maybe I'm calling you a freak,
maybe saying that you're insane
But frankly, I just wish that you
were still all mine...
I know how to cure you,
And I will always adore you
No matter the monster that hides inside.

If she's brave enough to fight your demons,
then keep her, by all means, keep her!
But if there's fear in her eyes,
If she's hiding just behind,
You might want to reconsider who you choose.
The truth, my love, is that she's not quite filling shoes.

Sometimes I wish I could forget how to breathe
and just sink.
Would you still come after me?

So here it comes again, I guess
This unfortunate space
Where happy isn't really happy
And sad is not enough
Here comes the moment when I want to bleed
But to bleed is to betray
And I cannot betray you, love
Even though you chose not to stay
But I'm drowning as you laugh with her
I'm crying as you sing your love
I've hidden what I truly feel,
but eventually this mask won't be enough
to hold in the broken pieces
This glass heart that I thought you fixed
You've tossed it against the ground
and left it for someone else to fix
You're an *******, you know
A total man-*****
Anger is a stage of grief
So get ready for the storm
Suddenly I just can't figure out
why I torture myself with you
When you twist me up and turn me upside down
You confuse me, very much

I just don't know what's happening anymore
My heart is completely torn
Little bits of red are clogging up my veins
They're trapped in my lungs -
no wonder it's so hard to breathe
You fixed me only to destroy me
And then to try to fix me again
**Make up your mind, ******
I'm not a pull-apart Barbie doll!

You're tearing me into pieces
in an attempt to save yourself
I hate it, I hate it
Just stop, please, stop
I see that you're happy
I get it, okay
Just stop, please stop
I can't bear this pain.*

And I love you still,
I love you still,
I love you always and I love you still,
but you're destroying me now that you're gone.

Stay away, stay away
Keep your venom away from me
Depression, I hate you
Addiction, I am tired of you

I don't want to drown anymore
I don't need to bleed anymore

So please stop telling me otherwise.

I can't decide
what I am anymore
Happy? Sad?
Drifting
in the middle
My nose is above the surface
while my mouth keeps swallowing the waves
So that I'm almost drowning
Almost breathing.

I'm just so
tired
I want to fall asleep
and wake up with him holding me tightly
Keeping me warm

I'm just so
sad
I want to cry
then look up and close my eyes as
He wipes my tears away

I'm just so lost
I wish he would come
and find me.

To the one who sits in the dark,
takes a breath,
and prepares to run to Death:
Pause. Remember. See.
There is always someone outside,
in the light,
waiting to see your face again.
They will miss you if you run.

To the one who sits in the fluorescent light,
breathing to a soundtrack of steady beeps and blips:
Your clock is ticking faster, it's true,
but there is still a fight in you;
there is a fire fed by love.
You are not alone.

To the one who hides in bright sunshine,
who owns a blanket drenched in midnight sorrows:
Your heart was broken but you are still strong
You still love, and you breathe
And a mask can become a real face
if you let it.
Time does heal.

To those who are hurting, broken, lost, alone:
You can find relief
You can be fixed
You can find, or be found
You can meet anyone
and you can survive.
I believe in you.

******, love,
you torture me!
You take my heart and wrap it in the softest blanket
And as I start to feel safe
You suddenly whip out the dagger that as behind your back
and ram it through my chest
You rip my heart to shreds
And the blood stains my soul.

And then you take the one I love
and torture him, too!
I have to watch his agony, I'll drown in his tears
You leave him feeling hopeless and lost,
so that he doesn't want to stay.

Love, you are truly an eternal flame;
you warm and nurture or burn and torture
You cannot be controlled
You have cursed us, haven't you?
Cursed us with your fiery gift
While giving us hope you also opened us
to pain.
Love,
you are the greatest of treasures
and the most painful of tortures.
You can bring life,
But you can inspire a death

Oh! Love, I could go on all day
It is endless how I can say
That I depise you, love,
but at the same time adore you.

Swing high, swing low
To the different birds I say hello
Then monsters come to devour the pretties
They grin and show me teeth full of flitties
Swing high, swing low
A demon pushes me onto a spiky pillow
Then cotton candy softens the blow
and turns to blood
Swing high, swing low
I really do not know
Why the female body causes so much distress
When the moon decides that it's time to fertilize
Swing high, swing low
There are no seeds to sow, so
please, hormones, just leave me alone.

Last November, you gave me your heart
But a year to the day, you took it away
This year, to spare all the tears,
I'll save mine for someone special
But, baby, all I want for Christmas...
is you.

Another heart gives up, another soul gives in
Another body falls and their blood runs thin
spreading in lines through a grand school
tapping the toes of the wise and the fool
opens their eyes, makes them look behind
a mask woven from lies
And everyone denies
There is no way it could have been a suicide.
Don't be so sure, do you know what was inside?
She was hurt, she was broken, she was tired of losing hope
And when no one noticed and no one cared she cut the biggest rope
We felt it. We felt the disconnection, do you know that, Abigail? We felt you when you left. We noticed and we cared, but you couldn't see because we couldn't see
that you were drowning in a great, oily sea. You didn't know who to be, so here comes
nobody alive.
We felt it when you took the dive.
We stained the ocean with sorrow-blue tears, we shoved away the worst of our fears,
we denied and we cried and we sighed and we said
"There's just no way that she could be dead!"
How could a soul made of a kindess, a soul so bright,
suddenly just lose all of its light? How could a heart stop beating when it was so big and warm?

Our hearts beat for you, Abigail. We won't forget, you're alive here in us. You're not quite gone, even if there is an empty seat on the bus. We cannot know, we cannot say, how much pain you went through before the day. But we know for fact, yes, we know we can say, that you will be remembered for the rest of our days.

Hush
take a moment to think about a smile
Is it real, is it fake
or is this just a mistake?
Return a smile with one of your own
just in case
Because
you never know,
maybe a smile can fix someone's day
make their rainclouds go away
maybe no one ever smiles back
just wonders why and walks away
so maybe
just maybe
you could save someone's life
with a smile.

I think I'm being buried
slowly
smothered as
more
and more
dirt is piled
onto my shoulders
"...seperating..."
"...just friends..."
"...dead..."
"...responsibility..."
"...passing, right?"

I am up to my neck
and barely breathing.

If a girl falls in an empty house
with death rolling through her veins,
does she make a sound?
Does anyone hear the last breath,
has anyone seen her frown?
Who saw the pain that hid behind her eyes,
who saw the darkness within?
Is there anyone who knew
that her happiness flew
far away, far away,
so that the gray
took over?
A girl fell in an empty house,
with death rolling through her veins.
She didn't make a sound,
but the impact was profound
Her absence has hit hearts all around.

I'm not inside anymore...
you've shut me out and locked the door
I can't see you anymore...
the  walls are higher than before
I don't think I know you anymore...
It feels like all of it was faerie lore
I remember when your kiss woke me
and you gave me light so I could see
But now I'm back in the dark
and there's nothing I can do
I'm just sitting against the door,
waiting for you.

Don't you see?
You give me
life.

Dear Francis,
       It’s cold. I’m cold. My hands are the icicles that you’ve always known them to be. My heart aches. It aches and breaks for you, the lost boy. It aches and breaks for Chester, who blinks his green eyes from the future and watches you cry. My heart aches and breaks and I still don’t cry, I never cry, why can I never cry? My tears died. I don’t know how to let you go, I don’t know how to move on. You’re my soul mate, aren’t you? We’ve been through so much. But time, time, terrible time has torn us apart and dangles the golden thread of a better future dangerously close to our lips.I wonder why I cannot seem to be without you, then I remember that I gave you a piece of my heart, a half of my soul, and you still have it in you, deep in your core. I pick my way down the path  of a painful friendship and trip and fall and bleed, but don’t cry. I keep my lips sealed because I don’t want the world to know that suddenly you’re just my best friend and not my future husband. I try to smile, I laugh and play, but you just take it all away. Why? Why must I be abandoned at this time when everything falls apart around me...my family is breaking, my body is, too. My soul would’ve broken a long time ago, but then you arrived with the right tools to fix it. I was happy and you were happy, but something in you failed and you broke again and again until you finally walked away and took the golden tools with you, and so I break again.
Love. The tortuous beast. It is a delicate balance between poison and cure, and now it has suddenly become the poison, and it roars through me, stealing my warmth and freezing me. I shiver. It laughs. Far, far away, you cry, and an innocent girl is caught in the net of a twisted love story. She searches for a way to comfort you, but what is right? She’s been wanting you for a while, and now she has you, but you’re broken. You’re stolen. I have your heart in my teeth and I’m not letting go because you promised me forever, and now you’re ripping my fairy tale to shreds. The knight has left the princess in the dragon’s lair, and he’s not sure if he should go back and save her, or go forward and take the hand of the fresh-faced maiden who won’t cause him pain. A line of maidens waits outside the dragon’s cave, all of them promising a less painful today for a happier future. What does he do?


What
Does
He
Do?

I'm so cold
without your voice to warm my heart.

My fear is endless,
No place is safe.
Technology and supreme warfare is safety
But too much safety is dangerous
Everything is threatened at every single second
I feel it
I feel the tension
I feel the rubber band stretching thin
Don't break, please, don't break
I walk down the sidewalk of a campus that should be be safe but I feel endangered and exposed and I know that
Anyone could be watching
Anyone could be waiting
Anything could be looming about to pounce and tear serenity to pieces

I just want to feel safe again, not like even the tiniest move could **** me.

He sees too much, he feels too much
He knows too much and he grows too much
He's bleeding inside and he cannot let it out
He crying behind the grin and he cannot show the tears
That mask, it's permanent
Like the scars on my own arms
That smile, where is it
Mine comes from him
That heart, it's hurting
I hope I can save it.

I think my emotions are broken
Nothing I feel seems to be correct anymore
I don't love when I should, I don't cry when I should
Am I dying? Dead? How could I know, there's nothing to indicate
because my heart beats fast at the wrong **** time
The happy pops through when everyone else needs to cry
I'm not sure why I'm so calm as you cry
Am I broken? I'm not whole
It's time to find my soul.

It seems inhuman
that I can be so calm
when we're suddenly "just friends"
and the last "I love you," is still echoing in my ears
but now that you're gone the hidden emotions crash into me
like that **** motorcycle

**I just want our future now.