Nights like this are a curse.

The tide has crashed
over my head—

I had my back turned,
I thought I was safe
but I was wrong.

I’m drowning,
flailing,
unsure of which way is up.

Everything is hitting me
all at once.

I was fine an hour ago.
I was fine.
I was.

But the tide doesn’t care.

Moonlight shimmering
on the diamond snow

Lamplight piercing
a teardrop

A chest buzzing with
emotions unknown

I cannot close my eyes
for I am stuck here

I can’t focus, I can’t think,
I can’t hear anything over

The ringing in my ears—
when did that start?

I just want to sleep but
there’s too much noise

In the silence of post midnight
as I lie alone with emptiness

Filling my soul and numbing
my heart again, no, why

Must this happen now when
I need to be strong for

The future and the now and
the hope of better things

I inhale stale breath and
exhale false dreams

I lie in a nest of sorrow
and the feathers of broken wings

I would love to try and fly
but the world holds me back

So I lie here trapped under
Plath’s bell jar, suffocating

Let me breathe, let me love,
let me be warm again

******,
I can’t hold on to anything

Everyone keeps running away,
leaving me to suffer—

No wonder I’m so scared
of being left behind

Where am I even going?
I can’t see my future

I can’t remember my past,
everything is different now.

1:19 am.
I should be sleeping but instead
I’m letting the words fly out
of my head.

And suddenly
everything is crowding
in my head
And I’m a mess again
just like I always
will be
And I wish that
all these demons
would just go away.

If someone closes a door on you,
do not idle in front of the door
and weep.
Instead, turn around
and find a new door.

I’ve got black widows
in my head,
hiding in fallen trees
and dead leaves.

I always knew I could
weave magic with a pen,
but I never realized that
the magic could pull
tears from dry eyes,
or pain from numb hearts,
or warmth from cold souls,
or inspiration from empty minds.

Desite the recent peace I’ve felt,
I can’t help but notice
a shade looming over my shoulder,

Waiting.

The threads between us
multiply
and strengthen our connection
with every word.

I would love to sprout
a pair of wings,
flowing from my spine.
They’d be feathered,
and black as night,
and could carry me to the stars.

Do not be ashamed of what you feel,
for you are human.
Your feelings are completely normal,
and I have felt the same.
We both have something
that drags in the mud behind us,
But I believe that we
can help each other relieve
those weights.

It’s ok to watch the ghosts sometimes.
It’s ok to look at them
and wonder, “What if?”
It’s ok to watch them smile
and wish that you were the cause.
It’s only natural,
and it proves how much
you really care.

It’s okay to watch the ghosts sometimes,
the occasional glance back
as you walk away.
Everyone’s pace is different,
so don’t be embarrassed by yours.
Just don’t let the ghosts
blind you to what’s
right in front of you.

Anxiety gnaws at me,
and it’s hard to keep control.
I won’t let it drive you away.
I won’t let my fear
wrap chains around your wrists -
I have to let you breathe,
and maintain my own breathing
at the same time.

I can breathe,
I can control this.
I can keep us safe.

You lift
my heart
into the very center
of the universe
and fill it
with a cosmic magic
that gives me fresh life.

There is a sudden peace.

I stared the dark fog of death
in the eyes
and I never blinked.

I feel strong. I feel like
I understand.
I may not know yet
where I will go,
but I know now
how I will live.
My heart will lead the way,
for I know that it won’t lead me
astray.
The pain that I’ve felt
has only made me stronger,
so that I can survive the future.
I will not die,
for I have too much life to share.

you slowly push
my doubts away,
and every day
that we talk
i feel the hole fill.
the universe
might finally be kind
to my aching heart.
could you really be
the comfort
i’ve been seeking?

You make me feel
soft
and
warm,
And it’s such a nice change.

Someone will be reading this soon,
ready to learn my secrets,
ready to hear my thoughts.
And to you, new heart, I say,
Welcome to my world.
Tread carefully through these words,
for they contain a rollercoaster
of emotions,
a constantly shifting tide.
Here is where you see who
I really am.

Last night
I dreamed I was high,
Once again able to touch the sky.
I woke up
with my body aching
and my mind spinning,
and reality was all too real.

There’s a warmth in my heart again,
A hole I hope can be filled -
Will he disappear like everyone else?
Or, this time, is it real?

I’m sorry
that I leave
so many ghosts
behind me
every time
I try
to love.

I feel it creeping in
just under my skin;
It comes when
my thoughts are fuzzy
and the sky is dark.
It pulls tears from my eyes
and pours embers into my brain,
it whispers in my ear
and leaves a frozen knife
in my heart.
And it’s not until
I finally close my eyes
that I am safe.

This app that tracks
how my brain is feeling
asks me what emotion
is sitting in my chest -
I wish there was an option for
multiple feelings,
or all of the above.

No one can see
that I'm caught in between -
my body is in the present
while my soul is in the past.

I am being asked to love again,
and my love is being questioned —
It makes me want to rip
my heart out,
smash it against the earth
And declare it dead.

If I could stop time, I would,
right here, right now,
and wander this cold,
starry night.
I’d sit on a ledge
and ponder the end
before walking away
because I remembered.
I’d dip a toe in chilly waves
and try to keep demons at bay
as they try to drown me.
I’d head back home
to be safe and warm,
and remember that I don’t have
a home,
just a house with strangers
sleeping inside;
I don’t know my own life
anymore.
I’d look at the clock,
stuck at half past the dark 3 —
sigh,
and let time slide its way
through my skin
to drown me in
sorrow, regret, and anxiety.

Memories flicker in my mind,
fireflies always escaping my grasp.

I try to catch them,
keep them in a jar,

But they escape,
leaving me lost and alone.

What are you doing
back in front of me
With shards of glass in your chest -
You wait for me to pull them out,
And tell you that you’ll be okay,
But I don’t know that I can still help you
If all you’ll do is push me away.

I miss kisses.
I miss the gentle meld of our body heat,
Soft sighs in the dark.
I miss late whispers
and hugs that make me forget.
I miss the laughs,
And casual word trade.
I miss your presence,
never an empty space.
I miss kissing you,
and forgetting everything else.

The tide has come,
Stained with blood,
Filling my lungs
With fear.
I’ve stopped swimming,
And now I float -
I can taste rust
In the water’s murky flavor.
My arm stings,
Yet I still want more,
The blade gleams at me
From the sea floor.
I wish I could cry,
But the ocean takes
My tears away
So that I only drown faster.

Everything hurts, but
I have no bruises,
no leaking wounds.
The torment
lies
inside,
a persistent infection.
It grew bored
of letting me hide,
and the tide has dragged me
so
far
down.
I almost feel like
this time,
I might really drown.

I’m ok for now
But I can’t stop fearing the worst
Can’t stop watching the horizon
For the crushing wave -
This is too good,
And I know that it’ll end eventually.

If I could relive a moment of my life, I would pick a Tuesday
in my senior year of high school.
I would hug all my friends,
and walk through the halls with confidence,
and give my boyfriend a good long kiss.
After school, during fencing,
I would treasure a moment
with a friend now gone,
and when I got home,
I would help cook dinner
and give my parents a hug.

I would call all my grandparents,
and actually do my homework,
and cuddle with my cat,
and just enjoy being
17 again,
before everything changed forever.

So this is what finally tips
the saltwater bucket,
sends the rivers down my cheeks-
Home cannot be home without you here,
and I wish you didn’t have to go.

My existence flickers,
but only in my own mind-
I seem to be forgetting reality,
and the memories I've captured
are finding ways to escape the jar.
I chase them through the dew-speckled fields,
but they deceive me every time.

And sometimes I stop,
and fling myself to the ground -
roll to face the stars,
and nearly drown in my own tears,
and ask

"Why?"

The excited shout of a “Happy birthday!”
is my reminder that someone still thinks about me.

I’m watching that first big wave looming closer and closer.

A single tear slips down my face.

It’s coming.

I feel the cold waves lapping at my feet,
whispering dark words in the night -
The waves are slowly rising to drown my soul again.
The cold will leave me numb,
and the drowning will leave my lungs on fire.
It won’t be long before I’m sinking again.

The infection is returning,
seeping into my blood—
soon I will be a creature
of shadows and tears.

At first the
blade’s slice is slow,
But I quickly realize
that it’s much better
to make quick strikes
across my skin.
I lose myself
in the sound it makes,
the satisfaction of each
red line.
I suddenly cap the blade
and toss it away
and let the tears roll down my face.
What have I become?
I hate myself.

I can’t
breathe.

If I do,
I’ll leak
and drown
in my pain.

You put the smile back
onto my face,
the warmth back
into my heart,
the life back
into my world.

I can't stop remembering
the night
my innocence was devoured
by pressure -
I wasn't ready,
but I let him in anyway.

You surprise me
with things that
no one else has ever done -
You're a fresh thought, a kindred spirit,
someone I know I am safe with.

Would you hate me
if you knew
how I've been leaping
from heart to heart
like stones in a pond -
they all crumbled under my weight
and left me to drown.

The smell
of you
lingers
in my nose,
Your warmth
had stained
my heart—
I cannot wait
to be near you
again.

Tonight I wish to dance
with the shadow,
and let him sweep me off my feet;
I wish to let blood stain my wrist
and moonlight pierce my iris
As I embrace the ebony warmth
of my enemy.
I will let the dark feathered wings
sprout from my spine
and lift me away into the stars
To dance only the darkest dance,

and in the morning I will be light again.

You tend to me
in a way
no one else has before,
letting me grow
anew.

You see beauty in me,
a torn flower?
One of us is surely blind.

You put the static back into my body -
the kind that gives me life.
Holding your hand
was such a comfort,
and I didn't want it to end.