Through life's every dark, dreary winter day
When time goes by, morning to night
When the mind wants to run, the heart to stay
All I can do to breathe is write.

Good habits, they say, helps one through the day
They make us rear but keep boredom at bay.
Tiring as they are to grow and maintain
They keep us grounded, once deeply ingrained.
Resigned as I am to the daily grind
There's so much to explore, discover, find
Tell me to try, try, try again, I will
Thus I'll fail, fail, fail, living on life's thrill.

Long it has been since I felt small
Within my tower that stands tall.
You'll arrive soon to break my steel
I don't know if I'll ever heal
Hurt me, **** me, cleave me in two
Cover me with lies, mask what's true
But- leave some of the crystal behind
So I can rebuild my state of mind.

I'm an unknown book on a shelf
That one forgets to treat with care
Passed around among many people,
Alas! I've aged with wear and tear.

I don't recall to whom I belonged
Who once penned my words in fading ink
I'm not as strong as I used to be
I'm only a novel- I can't think.

I'm looking for a gentle owner
Who enjoys reading without pretense,
Keeping me safe, worn pages intact,
The one who'll cherish my existence.

What if I'm shaped like a square
When the world is made of circles?
Should I smooth my sharp corners,
Or should I just add more edges?
Where do I learn to conform,
To fit in spaces that aren't for me?
Should I change to fit the norm,
Or create another, entirely?
How do I choose parts of myself
To keep, to let go, to borrow?
Can I retain my identity,
While evolving past tomorrow?

I have a set of bespoke masks
For each and every person I know
Depending on what is asked
They'll see what I'm willing to show
If, one day, I lose my disguise
The world wouldn't handle it well
So I keep it safe, within my reach
Tailored to visions I need to sell.
Why do we put up these charades?
Forlorn souls, trying to find our place
If we can't be ourselves, we pretend
To be who we're not, just to save face.
It doesn't, it doesn't have to be this way
If I could change the world, I'd decree
That the veils come off, so people learn
To be true, themselves, finally free.

Don't ask me how I'm doing
If you aren't ready to hear what I have to say
Do you really want to know
How I struggle to breathe, to wake up every day?
Do you really want to listen
To how I have to pretend, how hard it is to smile,
Do you really want to understand
Or would you like pretty lies for a while?
So here you go:

"I'm doing well, I've had a great year
I haven't cried myself to sleep, or wept in the shower
I haven't thought of ending it, or running away
My thoughts don't plague me every week, every hour
I'm not homesick, I'm not lonely, I'm not sad
I'm not depressed, I'm not anxious, I want to live
I love my job, I love my life, I love myself
I am worthy, I am useful, I have so much to give."

And the world tells me to swim
Swim till my heart gives out
All I can do is drown in pain
I'm underwater, awash in doubt.
"Help me", I long to say
"I cannot breathe, I want to live"
No one hears these unspoken words
I'm dead, dying, with nothing to give.

I'm afraid each time I open the door
The dead eyes staring at me, through my skin
Sneering, laughing, taunting, in my head
They won't ever leave, they lie within
I close the door, trying to escape
Stepping slowly, then quickly, to get away
Running, exhausted, even when I'm lost
Every moment filled with unease, dismay.
(And I try, I try, to reach out, to explain
But it's hard to understand invisible pain.)
Everywhere I go, the demons follow
I was a fool to think I'd outrun them all
Who am I, if I'm nothing without them?
When the end comes, will they stay when I fall?

Here's to the words of the decade
The ones filled with hope, and longing
Those written dreaming of better times
Wishing for a sense of belonging.

Here's to the words of tragedy
Those wept out by heartfelt despair
The ones unread, beacons of shame
Yearning to be seen, and know who'd care.

Here's to the words that are neutral
Conveying little to no emotion
They matter, just like all the rest,
Setting whole worlds into motion.

Here's to the words that will be made,
From obstacles to be withstood
In seasons of unknown fortune,
May they reach us, and be understood.

My life's made of glass: particles of sand
That can't be sorted by my clumsy hands
So I sit and watch it shatter
In the end, it just doesn't matter.

If I could just wipe your memories clean
Maybe I could return to whom I'd been
Before you came and destroyed what I'd known
Before my life sang this... autumnal tone
In a world of summer tunes and spring
I long to remember my favorite things.
Must the dog bite, or the bee sting, to feel?
Emotion seems to have lost its appeal.
If I ask nicely, would you end your stay,
Leave my heart and brain, or live far away?
I don't think I can bear you being here
Holding me captive, bound to so much fear.
How difficult it is, to let you go
Trapped with the thoughts of a dead tomorrow.
Will you agree to help me forget you?
My soul is tired, I want to start anew.

I see you in the mirror, I don't know who you are
I try to leave, but you're with me everywhere I go
You try to undo everything I do well,
I hate you holding me back, I can't go with the flow,
I don't know where you came from, if I made you that way
You're all that I think I'm not, yet you show up somehow
How did I not sense you forming before my eyes,
I don't think I've ever looked clearly before now,
I wish you wouldn't exist, so I could just be me,
To live for a while without you dragging me down,
I'd carve up a reflection, so I like what I see,
I'd learn to swim properly, so I would never drown.
I know that's something the universe won't allow,
I've got to learn to live with you by my side,
I hope I grow to accept you no matter what,
I hope I grow to love who you are, inside.

I laid my heart out on a plate
Served it with my soul on the side
After an internal debate
The world moved on, my dreams denied.

What's missing?- The look, the flavor?
What should I change, so it will see?
Will I ever earn its favor?
Or will it just be fantasy?

I once replaced every part of me
With robust designs that shined from within
Strong, efficient, I could run forever,
I had everything I needed, built-in.

I had nothing to be changed or improved,
I was a perpetual motion machine
With no ties to an inferior past
Cast away from memory, as though unseen.

Yet sometimes, in the shadow of the day,
When I feel a distant ache long denied,
Forgotten wounds of what used to be,
I wonder who I really am, inside.

If my life were a book, written in ink,
It would tell a tale brought back from the brink
With sentences well constructed with rhyme,
Of inkblots made by wasting precious time,
Of full-stops, colons, and commas galore,
Filled with desire to learn, and explore,
Aging sheets of regret pondering the past,
Some wondering how long the story will last.
Only Death takes away this humble pen
It's just a small matter of how and when-
This book may never be a bestseller
But it will be honest- a truth-teller
That's unfinished and revised endlessly,
Until it joins the pages of history.

My life is a thunderstorm
That I watch, powerless, in vain
As it destroys flowers of hope
With every barrage of rain.

I'd hide my words away if I could,
In a secret lair no one will ever find,
With shame leading the writers' crusade,
And envy at the helm behind acting kind.
It doesn't make sense to feel this way
Blamed for thoughts you cannot control,
Emotion must have its voice stolen away
If left free, it will take its toll
Exposed, one watches, stuck, paralyzed
As it reigns hell on all who bear witness
In the battlefield between wrong and right,

Life gave me a map and said "Follow this track
Work hard and stay focused; Don't ever look back.
Don't worry, I'll keep you safe- I give you my word."
I listened, and agreed, for my vision was blurred.

Little did I know, I was on the wrong trail
Far away from my dreams, I was doomed to fail
I'm looking for signs where they'll never be found
I'm shouting for help... but I can't hear a sound
I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere in dread
I thought Life made us strong...it gave me fear instead.

He's in all the letters I write- and never send
He's in the poems I create- but never share,
He's in every thought, every song- he's 'just a friend'
How I wish he'd know he's in every breath of air.

I'm on the brink of running away,
At a clifftop, staring at the sea
It looks so tempting, to let it all go
To finally live in ecstasy...

But if there's a chance I can fight today
If it's possible I can be fearless
Maybe I'll turn this from a tale of Woe
To one of Triumph from utmost distress.

Oh, dear companion born from a bean!
You are the best thing I've ever seen.
Bitter in nature, with milk you're sweet
Together you make my life complete
Thank you for keeping me sane and strong
For being my rock when the days are long
When sleep arrives, you push it away
That's when I know things will be okay
I wish you could read, and understand
That you spice things up when they get bland
Keeper of my heart, anchor of my mind
Know that you truly are, one of a kind.

How wonderful it is to be aflame
I don't long to be brighter than the rest
I wish I could burn of my own free will
But perhaps this time, death is for the best.

If there is a day when I'm set ablaze
For a brief moment I might glow again
I hope I'm remembered as useful fire,
Perhaps my rebirth will not be in vain.

Who would love a person
Held hostage by demons
That demand a ransom so steep-
Every breath, every thought, every step?
Who could love someone like that
Knowing they will be dragged down?
Would they choose love over a life?
Choosing ******* over freedom?

How magnificent she must be
If she could capture his fancy.
How insignificant I am
If he won't even give a ****.

I can't look at the sky anymore
It reminds me that I've failed to explore
What it means to reach so far up high
No matter how much, how hard I try
I'll never design the wings of a plane
Or find its material stress and strain
I'll never make a rocket land or rise
Mapping out exactly how it flies.
I'm told I overthink, that it's "just dreams"
"They're just delayed, it's not what it seems"
I've tried to believe, but it hurts inside
I guess they're not late, they've been denied.
No one knows what's really going on
But I'll apply and work till my strength is gone.
Will there be an answer? I don't know
I wish time would speed up, it's just so slow.

I'm a strange mixture of yin and yang
With light struggling to be seen, to be heard
Pleading, in anguish, to the darkness
"Don't put me out, let me say a word!
Let's make a deal with terms for us both
I want to live, let me heal, to be free
I'll respect your space, I'll leave you alone
Don't let us become what we used to be".

I'm searching for something I cannot understand
Is it connection? Is it purpose? Is it a sense of belonging?
If only I knew... I'd chase it better.

Holding to the edge of a cliff
Screaming into an endless void
"Help! I'm hanging on for life
Heal me, I'm trying not to fall
Hurt me, I want to feel again
**** me, so I may be reborn."

Here's a bit of light
In your darkest hour
You can get out of this
You can do more than cower.
I'm with you, always
Rise up from your knees
Find your way out of the tunnel
Dance along that breeze.
You may not know the steps
You may not hear the song
But your twirl is your own
You are forever strong.

Change is a wild dog that can't be tamed
One that will always test your patience
One that refuses to sit in silence
That doesn't respond when you call its name.

But it will watch as you transform, with pride
Living forever, challenging your ways
It will stay for the rest of your days
You're never alone with Change at your side.

If I could let everyone know
All the death I feel inside
Revealing when I feel low
I don't know if they'd be surprised
Maybe they saw, and did not ask
Maybe they knew, and kept away
I don't know which I would prefer...
I'd like a 'How are you today?'

I'm the lone cloud on a summer's day
So many beg me to go away
Yet I stay on for the prayers of pain
For those longing for a bit of rain.

A mere phantom of life
Silent and miserable
Waves as people walk by,
Yells 'I'm here, invisible!'

It doesn't know they don't see
It doesn't know they can't hear
It shouts till its throat is sore,
Then finds solace in fear.

"Conceal, don't feel, keep it in"
"Hide", they all seem to say,
Aching behind pride in pain
Lost, trying to find their way.

Will they ever listen?
Will they stop to understand?
Will anyone look further
Maybe even lend a hand?

Strangled to death
By a noose of intricate lies
That used to keep me alive.

If I could reach inside myself
And remove all scars of the past
If I could erase every mistake
I wonder how long I would last
Before I begin to fade, dying away,
Withering into dust, no longer alive
Would it be better than who I am now?
If life is pain, am I meant to survive?

Searching for air
Gasping, choking
Unable to breathe
In the face of glaring defeat
Overwhelmed by thoughts
Wanting to give up
Wanting to fight more
A mess of contradictions
Looking for answers
Trying to ask the right questions
Trying not to shy away
Trying to stay strong
Trying to find the right words
Trying not to be contrived
I'm trying
Trying
Trying.

It's a beautiful, sunny day outside
And I wish it could seep into my soul
It needs to breathe, away from the darkness
That wonders why it can never feel whole
Is there some point to hustling with a dream?
Do passion and hard work make a difference?
Why does life give hope....then ****** it away?
When will everything start making sense?

I wish I could tear off every piece of me
Change my form fundamentally, from within
I wish I could build myself, careful, slowly,
Choosing the bones, joining muscles, sinew, skin
Maybe then I'll feel strong, like I'm capable of more
Maybe I'll feel okay about my reflection
Perhaps I'll hope, in ways I didn't, before
Perhaps I'll have control of life's direction.

If only the world would stop spinning
So I can finally breathe some air
I'll remove my mask of fortitude
To feel something beyond despair.

I'm a poem from an unknown poet
Written to be broken and crude
A rough draft misplaced, without thought
One that's easily misconstrued.

Terrified of my own instincts
I lie awake, staring at the night
Frozen, unsure, whether to start or stop
To wake or to succumb, to disappear
In this coffin, I lie, within my grave
But I hold the shovel
Can I dig myself out?
Or do I shut myself in?

I've been wounded my entire life
I'm bleeding, but I hold the knife.
I need to stop- I forgot how to feel
Perhaps I don't believe I'll ever heal.

I'm better behind a screen
From where I would well pretend
That I have it all figured out
Not waiting for problems to end.

I'm better behind a screen
Where I'd say I know to live
To enjoy it all in the now
And make no mistakes to forgive.

I'm the best behind a screen
Where I could escape this strife
I'd be who I want to be
And not defeated by life.

Three years ago, I experienced a drought
Filled with hatred, anxiety and self-doubt.
From the lush crop of innocence and joy
I became a dead shoot, pillaged and destroyed.
Demons attached to my thick skin, I roam
Not recognizing what used to be home
Tense to the bone, crippled,followed by fear
An amnesiac that forgot what once was dear.
When will they leave- the wraiths who robbed my soul?
Am I to remain this...decrepit ghoul?
Defunct creature that refuses to grow
Unable to apply the things she knows
Who steps forward in time to see square one
Who disdains the very idea of fun
Three years it has been, how long will it be
Before there's some light in this cursed Destiny?

Looking at a future that seems so grey
It's like all the colors have gone away
With emotion locked in an airtight chest,
So what remains is void, in quiet unrest
With tears to be occasional company,
Rampant thoughts form a soundless symphony.
Staring into space, people come and go-
The world is fast, yet in some ways, so slow.
There is no end to this chaos in sight,
The line further blurred between wrong and right.
Does it matter that these words are read?
Perhaps they should be hopeful instead
Pretending that everything will be fine
A noose of lies tightening with each headline.
Thus one plays the elusive waiting game,
Knowing that nothing will ever be the same.

Time flies so fast,
That I'm stuck,
Paralyzed
Watching
As my words
Drift away....
As I fade...

Into..

Nothing.

Little match girl
Standing on a sidewalk
Seeing a world move on
You know you will be gone
Will anyone remember
Your words forged by pain,
Aching to be read,
Your tunes searching for hope,
Pleading to be heard,
Your voice, weak, feeble,
But unlike any other?
There wasn't time
To get through fear
To show them who you are
Alas, you lie, awake
Buried in books
Waiting for your last breath
Listening to this elegy
Was life worth it?
Are you proud
Of who you have become?
Could you have done better
If you had more time?

Don't tell me this happened for a reason
Don't tell me to be positive
Don't you ******* say the Earth wants to heal itself
Not when people are dying
Not when lives are broken out of nowhere
Not when everywhere, everything is in chaos
Not when we don't know if there is a future
Don't tell me to stop caring
Because I don't know
I don't know how anymore.

Give me another sign
If you've seen the future
Illuminated by morning light
I am a lowly creature.
I'd pray without tears of fear
I'd pray with a smile on my face
I wish I could pretend to you
But I vow to cry in disgrace
So only you shall fully know
What I truly feel inside
My fears, loves of the unknown
Chinks in armor I wear with pride.
I'm living on a prayer
To keep an ounce of trust
That the world will right itself
That I will not combust.