It's been years since I wrote like this about what I'm feeling but it's been a tough night so here goes-

It's the start of the semester and I can't help but have this feeling of impending doom, like all my fears might just come true..

That this addiction I've been battling with for years might just bring me down. That I'm alone in fearing it, because it's not what you'd expect, and it's utterly uncommon. That I might just succumb to not reaching out to people and just fail altogether. And so many more fears..

I just feel really scared, sad and hopeless right now. The person whom I've always confided in has become something unfamiliar, that I don't recognize, and I feel sort of.. misplaced. I don't want to ruin my life but I might just be in the way of doing that. And I suppose writing this was a way of just putting this miserable mess of feelings out there. Trying to make it leave my body for good.

I don't want my penchant for introversion, as a shy person, to become the loneliness that might just destroy me. I'm afraid it's halfway there.

I don't think I have the strength to do this... i don't know if I can. It *****, feeling this small, cowering under the weight of all the fears hitting your brain at once in the middle of the night.

Most of all, I'm afraid I won't ever get over the addiction, and live my whole life battling it, fail and just... wither away. I don't know if I can because it has influenced and defined so much of the girl I am today. Both good and bad things. That's why it's hard to give it up.

Thank you to whoever reads this, have a great day!

I'm done waiting for you too much
Longing for you, your voice, your touch.
You seem to be tattooed on my soul
Whenever I hear you, I feel whole
I wish you could exit my heart
But I wish we would never part
Alas! I can't confess to you
It would become too real, too true...
So I'll hide these feelings in me
Hoping that one day, I'll be free.

When the world is moving on
And you're stuck in one place
Seeing your friends race ahead
While you struggle to keep pace
Close your eyes, shut off your ears,
Breathe- learn to ignore them all
Feel the ground beneath your feet
Walk, as though you'll never fall.
Keep in mind the directions-
Only you know what they are
Have faith that your time will come
And soon, you'll have travelled far.
You will stumble, once or twice
There'll always be miles to go
Get up once more, try again
Keep marching on, as you grow.
If one day you reach your goal
Dream bigger, find a new aim
Help those climbing behind you
Don't forget from whence you came.

Long it has been since I felt small
Within my tower that stands tall.
You'll arrive soon to break my steel
I don't know if I'll ever heal
Hurt me, **** me, cleave me in two
Cover me with lies, mask what's true
But- leave some of the crystal behind
So I can rebuild my state of mind.

Can you hear my thoughts across the earth?
You're the hero of their trivial play
Here, you'd always win, always succeed
You'd have all your fears kept at bay.

If only you would stop and listen
You'd know that I'd always keep you warm
We'd share our worlds in the best of ways
I'd be your umbrella in this storm.

I burn, one among countless flames
You've never seen me, nor will you
Your eyes are on my dazzling friends
But I hope.. you'll want something new.
I can't say I've much to offer
But I'll do my best to guide your way
I'll keep you safe through the dark nights
Perhaps... even light up your day.

Give me a sense of peace and quiet
Take me away from this place
Leave me be...for just a moment
I'll come back, at my own pace.

I need to breathe, to think, to feel
Don't worry, I'll return soon
Leave me be...to centre my soul
I'll emerge from my cocoon.

It's scary to think that it might be true
That fortune favours only some, a few.
The rest it leaves up to the wraiths of time
Making any success an uphill climb
I wish I could do better than the now
I try so hard, but I ***** up somehow.
I wish to be the best version of me
I wish to understand how to break free
To leave these chains of history behind
To face all my fears, to speak my own mind
To be heard where my voice can be drowned
To know what it's like to be seen, or found.
I don't realize until I feel the pain-
That I make mistakes again and again
I wonder if I'll ever be good enough
If these slopes I ascend would stop feeling rough
Is it the wrong mountain? I'll never know
Until then, I'll just go with the flow.

Once a writer, always a writer.
Forgive me if I question this now
I lost my words- I wish I knew how.

I'd like to belong, for once
To fit without standing out
To be one with my own crowd
That whispers so I don't have to shout
To hear my voice, feel my soul
To know I'm not led astray..
Now I yell to make my mark
Yet I'm ignored anyway.

I have lost all my words
If I don't have those,
What even am I?

High along the winds of change I fly
Writing more words I'd love to live by
Running away from a looming past
Wondering if any peace will last.
Turbulence hits, and I'm taken aback,
Again and again I'm thrown off track.
The engines fail, but this plane is tough,
Yet, the controls say I'm not fast enough.
Maybe....this dream was never meant to be
Maybe I'd be safer atop a tree.
Much as I long to drown in the pain
Worries are useless, they cause fuel drain.
I've many miles to go before I sleep
Deadlines to meet, promises to keep.
This uncertain flight will still go on
Through sleepless nights, to an unknown dawn.

Oh, dear companion born from a bean!
You are the best thing I've ever seen.
Bitter in nature, with milk you're sweet
Together you make my life complete
Thank you for keeping me sane and strong
For being my rock when the days are long
When sleep arrives, you push it away
That's when I know things will be okay
I wish you could read, and understand
That you spice things up when they get bland
Keeper of my heart, anchor of my mind
Know that you truly are, one of a kind.

Good habits, they say, helps one through the day
They make us rear but keep boredom at bay.
Tiring as they are to grow and maintain
They keep us grounded, once deeply ingrained.
Resigned as I am to the daily grind
There's so much to explore, discover, find
Tell me to try, try, try again, I will
Thus I'll fail, fail, fail, living on life's thrill.

I wonder if you can read between these lines on a screen
And realize that I really do say what I mean.
I ponder what it's like not to just be seen, but heard
To command the center of attention with each word.
I imagine a new world with a little less noise
Where I could even listen to the sound of my voice!
But mostly, I wish for the world I wouldn't want to leave
Where one is judged by character, not how one's perceived.

We light a candle with the fervent hope
That this shall not be the end of our rope,
That there is still more in us we can give-
There is a better way for us to live.
We wonder if we'll ever be good enough
Delicate diamonds lying in the rough.
Much as we wish that we can find a way
There is a time, a place, for a new day.
As we crave feeling in bodies struck dumb,
So we shall wait, for good things yet to come.

If I could just wipe your memories clean
Maybe I could return to whom I'd been
Before you came and destroyed what I'd known
Before my life sang this... autumnal tone
In a world of summer tunes and spring
I long to remember my favorite things.
Must the dog bite, or the bee sting, to feel?
Emotion seems to have lost its appeal.
If I ask nicely, would you end your stay,
Leave my heart and brain, or live far away?
I don't think I can bear you being here
Holding me captive, bound to so much fear.
How difficult it is, to let you go
Trapped with the thoughts of a dead tomorrow.
Will you agree to help me forget you?
My soul is tired, I want to start anew.

Would the ocean feel any pain
If it couldn't tide, would it strain?
If the moon didn't pull it each night
With no force to help it feel light
Struggling with its surface tension
Reaching out, without attention
Would it burst under the pressure?
Or would it die, without pleasure?
I would relate to its heartache
Holding it in, trying not to break.
Universe, stop calling my bluff.
I think... I've had more than enough.

I didn't know that I forgot
To write for me, only me
The world can go **** itself
As I live in poetry.
Maybe these words aren't the best
Maybe they won't heal a heart
But they're mine, as they shall be
That makes them true works of art.
I know they won't go places
I find I like that they're free
As long as they're from my soul-
They're my small mark on history.

I don't know how to believe
That there'll be a kinder time
With something good to receive
A hill easier to climb.
Oh it's just a waste of hours
Thinking it'll soon be nicer
Fate has stripped me of my powers
While I grow none the wiser.
If anyone's reading this
Tell me it will be okay
That there is a unique bliss
After my fears go away!
I remain stuck in a hole
The world's always moving on
This night, I ask, with all my soul:
Will I ever see a dawn?

I could never tell the world of my poems
If they knew who I really, truly am
If this name was real, my virtual mask gone
They'd be surprised, and treat me like a scam
Who would spend time reading these heavy lines,
Without questions or making assumptions?
No one likes poems these days, I've asked them all
They prefer those words made for consumption.
So I'll keep the veil on, now, forever
Thankful for those people here I don't know
They read my work, and look past the disguise
To a girl seen fighting to write and grow.

When the dust had cleared
A hand was found, lying still
Life was what it feared.

Through life's every dark, dreary winter day
When time goes by, morning to night
When the mind wants to run, the heart to stay
All I can do to breathe is write.

You saw me when I was a piece of stone
Weathered from the land, wind, and mighty seas
You'd known me as a strong rock from before
Who could silence the sands, knock over trees.
You thought I'd remain part of the gravel
Living forever in a weak disguise
A thing to be coddled, controlled and thrown
Into paths you'd seen, that you'd advertise.
What if I wanted to rise from the ground?
With cement and water I'd make concrete
I'd become a tall building, then I'd know
That I didn't need you to feel complete.
But I won't forget the role you once played
Wounding so I fell to my knees in pain
We didn't foresee that I'd grow from nothing,
To never be broken by you again.

If my heart is a room
You claimed it as your lair.
You lived in it, for ages
But then you left... I'm not sure where.

This space now feels smaller
That you're not here to see
The one place that was yours for life
Collects dust as it is empty.

Its ceiling's falling down
The walls are turning gray
Will you come stay just one last time?
Perhaps it won't wither away.

In the dingy depths of despair
When the world around is speechless
Through the quiet one can almost feel
The rumble of something, breathless
Like.. the Universe is laughing
As though... It can't help but do so
Ironic tune of tragedy
A mocking soundtrack to sorrow.
When one has lost the will to fight
It is heard then, glaringly clear
A sign, that one shall entertain
Evermore, being ruled by fear.

"Starry-eyed souls, staring at the sky
I see a burning hope in your eye
For something beyond the dreams and pain
That all the hurt isn't felt in vain.

Destiny remains a friend of mine
She tells me when all your stars align
We work together in your best hour
So you shall win, through sheer grit and power.

The road will be rough in your voyage
Consider it.... a rite of passage
But I'll be by your side through it all
I'll send a saving grace when you fall.

After each hell that you find in life
You'll receive heavens worth all the strife.
I won't say more, I have things to do
Don't forget- I will always love you."

The scent of coffee lingers in the air
As the poet writes her heart out with flair
Caffeine gave her strength when life made her sad
Her words held her up when no one else had.

I wish you could hear the voice in my head
That remembers all the sweet things you said.
I wish you would just call me one more time
I know it's wrong-but it could be sublime
I hope i don't forget the way you sound
I miss the days when you were still around
But I believe this distance fares me well
With you, my life is a personal hell.

You welcome me into your arms,
As I arrive, alive, undead
You've seen me at my worst before,
You hold me while I shake with dread.

It feels so comfortable here
I keep coming back when I'm blue.
When will I learn to stay away?
I don't know how I'll escape you.

Every so often, there comes a day
When one's pain rises beyond words
When even tears refuse to fall
A broken heart screams, but remains unheard.

I find an entirely different person
When I meet you again after ages
You were a book I'd seen, I used to know
But somewhere you acquired new pages
With information I don't understand
I'm confused- I didn't think you'd ever change
So I'll take the time, to read you again
Perhaps then, I won't think of you as strange.

This world is made up of English words
Everywhere I see, they're all renowned
With meaning, with purpose by themselves
With tones of their own, with unique sounds.

I'm a letter from another language
If I could change, I would do some good
I remain lost, as I can't be applied
If I use my voice, I'm not understood.

In a crowd full of people
My armor's made of stone
When I want to shed my tears
I still remain alone
Among them it cannot crack
I will not let them see
The depth this sadness reaches
My helpless misery.
So I find a quaint staircase
Away from all the noise
I let them out, quietly
(I use my silent voice.)
Yet how I want to be loud
To relieve this heartache
But there's no one who'll hear me
To hold me as I break.
I wish I could be stronger
I wish I'd never cry
How tragic I've made this life
I don't know how or why.

Each time that I assume
I've reached life's rock bottom
I discover new depths
With each hopeless problem
I sink once more, further
With each soul-crushing blow
Can someone hear my voice?
I'm suffocating below.
When will it ever stop?
I'm so done with it all
When I try to stand still
I continue to fall.

It's something I will never be,
I'm a laptop among PCs.
Closed, reticent, quiet and private
Amid typhoons, peaceful climate.
They say I won't ever belong
They feel that something must be wrong
They don't know why I am this way
They think I'll never be okay.
Maybe I'll always be alone
Remaining attached to my phone
Maybe, somehow, I will get by
Without ever finding a guy
Not that I need one to survive
But it'll be nice.. to feel alive.
Don't laugh, as you read my weak words
Please don't think that I'm sad or weird
This is where I can fall apart
With poetry, I can pour my heart.
I do write much better, you know
But right now, I feel a bit low.
Forgive me for not being brave
The world is loud, and I have caved.

I wonder if the tree knows
That even if it has no leaves
Its dark facade simply glows
It's a marvel Nature's conceived.

How come we don't understand
That we're all trees of our own kind
That we are not dull or bland
That we somehow choose to be blind?

At the very beginning of time
The Sky and Sea were bound together
In a sweet embrace that graced their prime
Days were peaceful, with pleasant weather.
But they were wrenched apart, as Earth grew
Asserting his might in the trinity
With a chasm he split them clean in two
Dividing them for eternity.
So the Sky weeps storms in her sorrow
Weaving her anguish within the rain
In the winter, her tears turn to snow
Punishing land as they mask her pain.
It's the only way she remains brave
The one way that she can reach her love
So he stretches up with surf and wave
Telling her he knows what she feels above.

"'It'll get better', you all once said
To my tear-stained, sallow face
Do you know, that I still remain
In what should have been a phase?

'Write happy notes', you gallantly said
Misery becomes your crutch
It should not be- it must begone
Before it becomes too much.

Yet my words were a light in this dark
Of these cruel, unforgiving times
So I could see, even when blind
That sadness was not a crime.

Swallow your words, deceitful beings
You didn't know how to help me
College degrees behind your names
Disguise your illiteracy.

What do I believe, now that it's clear
That no one truly cares?
The thin line between right and wrong
Taunts me with this despair.

Whom do I lean on, now that I know
That all of your words were fake?
How can I stand on my own two feet
If there isn't more I can take?"

Foolish child, do understand
That I care, that I do mean well
Hear this, just hear my words
Listen to what I have to tell.

Sadness is untarnished gold
That I don't think you must avoid
But what you feel, deep inside
Doesn't mean that you're destroyed.

If you focus on what you want
(To get out of this prison)
The weight will get lighter with time
Through the dark you will have risen.

Habits are hard to break, I know
And it'll be an arduous journey
But I'll be here, to lift you up
I'll try to be good company.

You can get past it, you see?
Choosing paths with new notions,
With logic, reason and sound mind
You can conquer your emotions.

I don't presume to know it all
There is much I don't comprehend
But I'll do what I can to help you
You have my best wishes, dear friend.

How long can I pretend
To practice what I preach
When I can't grasp the words
When I don't feel what I teach?
How can I be so good
At giving out advice
When I don't follow my words
When I am what I despise?

I have stayed in the water for so long
Descending, sinking, falling to its depths
Existing any other way feels wrong.
I haven't died, but I can't breathe in air
I'm suspended in the waves of the sea
I don't know to live, I don't even care.

But what if

I kicked, I splashed, I clawed at the water,
Until my limbs, my heart and chest are sore
Until I figured out just how to swim
So I can slowly navigate ashore?
What if I scratched, I fought, I learned to live?
What if I refused to drown anymore?

Find what shakes your spirit alive
Own it, because it makes you thrive
Leave inhibition in the past
Learn to work so you have a blast
Operate in your comfort zone
Widen it as your skills are honed.

You have the power, don't ever fret
Over results that you can't see yet.
Use your mind, fire your intuition
Rejoice when they yield solutions.

Don't compare your life with your friends'
Reap what you sow until the end.
Earn gratefully your daily bread
Aim high- don't you cower in dread.
Meet your goals, have faith and believe
'Success will come, you will achieve.'

You don't want me
That I understand.
I doubt you ever will
But if you did, it'd be grand.

We'd dance as one
Foolish, my small dreams
You still haven't asked me..
I bet we'd make a great team.

Go, ask her out
I will wish you well
I'll mend my bending heart
I'll get away from this hell.

There's someone out there
Someone who makes sense
Will I find him, or not?
The answer's in Providence.

Three years ago, I experienced a drought
Filled with hatred, anxiety and self-doubt.
From the lush crop of innocence and joy
I became a dead shoot, pillaged and destroyed.
Demons attached to my thick skin, I roam
Not recognizing what used to be home
Tense to the bone, crippled,followed by fear
An amnesiac that forgot what once was dear.
When will they leave- the wraiths who robbed my soul?
Am I to remain this...decrepit ghoul?
Defunct creature that refuses to grow
Unable to apply the things she knows
Who steps forward in time to see square one
Who disdains the very idea of fun
Three years it has been, how long will it be
Before there's some light in this cursed Destiny?

In a world filled with brilliance and grace
I wonder- Am I in the right place?
Somewhere down the line I must've gotten lost
Sticking to one side when I should've crossed
A mere penguin attempting to fly
Among winged birds that live in the sky.
I wonder why I continue to fall
Trying to scale an impossible wall
Maybe I was just... horribly wrong
Thinking that I could ever belong.

I used to be a breath of fresh air
Free to blow about, to dance with grace
Through places I'd never seen before
With glorious certainty, at my own pace.
Little did I know, that as I grew up
My arms would seize, my legs wouldn't move
That I'd become the still, unmoving wind
With zero purpose, with nothing to prove.
I'm comfortably numb, I feel no pain
I don't need to live, I just exist
If someone walks by, they can feel my soul
Aching to fly, but too weak to resist.

When the world is crumbling down
When all hope seems to be lost
It's a gentle, harsh reminder
That everything comes at a cost.
Courage isn't hard to find
But it fades in fear and sorrow.
Yet, stay the course, faithful reader
Your light will shine tomorrow.
'Tomorrow never comes', you say
I hope, one day, you find it has
With great strength and resilience
Believe that this too, shall pass.

Maybe one day I'll be free of this stress
Perhaps, one day I can finally live
Maybe one day I'll have a clear head
Perhaps one day I'll have strength to forgive.

Don't tell me it's dangerous to hope
It keeps me alit, it makes me burn
Towards the dream of a better future
One that I can honestly say I earned.

I'll push my boundaries, however far
I'll keep the promises I once made
I'll fail, I'll fall, hopefully I stand
I'll clear the rain on my parade.

Dear God

Why would you take the best souls away?
Almost as if they're too precious for Earth?
Gone too soon, always and forever-
Or do you send them away for rebirth?
Why didn't you give him some courage
Instead of pain, agony anew
Why did his soul want to run away
As though prayers weren't enough for you?
If he is up there with you in heaven
Tell him I'm sorry I didn't know,
That I'm so sad that I did not help,
That I deeply regret I was too slow.
Tell him I do hope he's doing well,
That I wish his anguish decreased,
That I pray he gained some happiness,
That I truly hope he found his peace.

If I could write my life as a poem
For millions who'll read, understand, think
I'd conjure an epic, a mystery
A tale on edge, a tragedy's brink.

I'd weave gripping waves of pleasure
Together with heart-wrenching tides of pain
A sea of battles with no leisure
Of joyful wins going against the grain.

I'd stitch metaphors with gleeful pride
Constructing rhythm with a bit of rhyme
I'd dabble with similes here and there
It'd be my thread on the sands of time.

But when I see my life as it is now
How different it is from my lovely tale
It retains its mystery, some agony
A once-green crop grown dead and stale.

A lost yarn of mistakes and pitfalls
With regret binding the threads as one
Repeated faults with no known structure
A once-free verse that is trapped, undone.

So I'll cast away my dream of a life
In a graveyard as a forgotten goal.
Some dreams never come true, it seems
Just like some lives will never be whole.