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 Jul 2014 Wandering soul
Ashley
As I'm falling down
My heart still beats the same
Even as the tears stream
From my blinded eyes
Shattered glass becomes
My reality
Burnt pictures and memories
Keep lying
There is less beauty in life
Than in dying
Blood always stains
The sun no longer touches my face
The road to hell is paved with good intentions they say
I tried so hard to heal the scars and touch your heart
But nothing's as it seems
Hurtful words ring so clearly
Sitting here playing Russian roulette
Gun loaded and pointing right at me
Withered past and a blurry future
Digging this pain inside my chest deeper
Just wish I could
Reverse the curse
Forget how others had your heart first
Like poetry to my ears
We take what has been given
And blow it away like dust
It's hard to be forgiven
When there's nothing left to say
Lying face down in so much pain
I refuse to see that my mind is anarchy
Worthless liar
I come on shameless
But I am ashamed
The sight of my own reflection
I cannot bear to see
Shadows shroud every step I take
Falling from grace the devil's laughing in my face
Fighting for a life that has beat me down
I stand and scream but hear no sound
Rise from the fire a phoenix
Alive and inspired
You cannot erase me
I'm a sinner conceived by the flames
Started broken hearted, busting at the seams
Standing back watching my world decay
I don't know why I'm falling apart but I
Need to find someone else to blame because,
You're not the reason I'm insane
I've tasted life's cold steel blade
Choices haunt me everywhere I go
It never goes away
Too busy with the lies they sold me
Open myself wide to all the **** they feed me once more
Are you satisfied?
I've given all I can
Are you now pacified,
Or do you still want more from me?
There is a thin line between pleasure and pain and I'm
Walking this tight rope while the ends slowly fray
This could be the death of me
Staring in the eyes of truth
The image is cracked but so is the view
Feeling so dominated
Issues pinning me to the floor
Like being rapped and left for nothing more
Hiding from the scars of my own reality
Sedate myself until I'm drowning
Got a pill for everyday
And a little black dress to mask the pain and
This monster inside that I'm feeding
Lacking perception in all that I do
Crying out in pain
But no one knows where to find me
Screaming out in vain but
No one can reach me
In this room
I find a sad peace..

in company of memories.

*There as I sit awhile
can catch mom's sweet smile
feel her hands in my hair
her tender kiss of unmatched care!

From his place he peers at me
the bohemian man ever carefree
now forever free and left alone
missing my mom missing his son!

With them went large chunks of me
in a void I sunk helplessly
no tears of mine touched the ground
as this heart broke in silent sound!

Blank stretch on wall looks at me
biding time for another memory
in six by four space of laminate
hangs unseen me for son in wait!
&
I'm sorry my world
is on your shoulders.
I know you didn't ask
for that responsibility.
And I completely understand
when you get too tired
and it comes crashing
down.
I grew up in suburbia-
With picket fences as white as the faces
Who say they're godly enough to save babies
(As long as they're not queer)
Because we don't have to live with the fear
Of corpses lining the sidewalks
Of our perfectly landscaped yards
We have no guards firing on peaceful protestors
Because our children are filed into orderly lines
Laid out for them at birth
But for what it's worth, we teach them of racism
From a white textbook that lies about founding fathers
Where segregation is just a word and
Oppression is hardly even mentioned.
Our children, who play at the age of 6
And lose their innocence at the age of 16
Suburbia is a life of it's own,
Gangly arms and legs
Like the teenagers who starve themselves
And steal their parents liquor
Just to get drunk quicker
Ignorant of those on the streets dying of hunger
No wonder I yearn to be far from this hell I call home.

Allen Ginsberg once said
“America I’ve given you all and now I am nothing”
The Wonder Years once said
“Suburbia I’ve given you all and now I am nothing”
But I’ve found fallacies in both of these,
I feel it’s more like
Suburbia I’ve given you all
And now I’m an awkward 20 year old
Who doesn’t know how to talk to black people
Suburbia I’ve given you all
And now I’m way too confident walking around the city at night
Because I forget there are communities
Where people actually have to lock their doors,
Suburbia I’ve given you all
And now I have a 16 year old brother
Who thinks the word *** and **** jokes are funny
Suburbia I've given you all
And now my father hates that I'm for gender equality
Well dear daddy,
I hope this offends you.

Because I am offended
By a community that tells **** victims they were asking for it
I am offended by a community
That tells my best friend Liam
That he's just confused, that
His love for Adam is an abomination
I am offended by a community
That offers equality as thinly veiled oppression,
With houses decorated in the decadence of degradation,
All the while their perfect sons and daughters
Are dying of depression because
The hilt of a gun is so much quicker
Than the drugs of their addiction

Suburbia, you are the seed of suicide
Feeding off of your violent silence,
Your white fences slice our tongues
And leave us mindless.
Suburbia, you have betrayed us.
Taught us ignorance is bliss with
Algebra instead of how to do taxes,
Spent more time worried about
Girls' shoulders instead of *** education,
Taught me not to speak unless
My hand was raised as if praise
Is given to authority without question,
Funny how they forgot to mention
Our country was founded on rebellion.

But suburbia, I forgive you
And so I humbly ask of you,
Find the keys of compassion within the heart and
Shed the lock of ignorance that grips your mind
The door may be rusted but it can open with time
Suburbia, I beg of you
Join us in the war of love
Let us all raise our fists and
Paint peace signs on our wrists,
We are disobedient dandelions swaying in the sun,
Words of kindness rolling off our tongues
Like pacifistic shots of a gun
Firing respect instead of rounds
And burying hate instead of bodies in the ground.
***This is a group piece. The lovely Mary Hamula is the other writer that worked on it with me.
On the low tide marshland I run
to catch the miracle from close
deft splash of colors godly done
river bridging twin gorgeous rainbows!

Now I can leave in peace
without a regret to die
having seen fulfilled my wish
of a double rainbow on the sky!
I'm so happy.
Our mortal sins and fatal flaws,
our selfishness for "the better cause".
Our greed, our envy and lust,
our desire for acceptance, our ignorant trust.
Our broken promises and tainted lies,
the human race, the smog filled skies.
Just kind of wrote it.
What do you think? Do any of you have suggestions for future poems? Areas of strength, weakness? I'd really like to hear some feedback! Thank you for reading.
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