proficient in professing,
       busted knuckle on top
   of burned hand -
             these, my penance
      for
  words are sacred; though
               words are wasteful
                    and haste-felt:
        "you're good," he said;
        "people are envious," he said;
        "i didn't even know
                 that was there."
                                             he said.
              this realizing
      now that actions must
                                    call to haste
           in order to catch words'
             promise of sacred verbal contract.
                  [ran long; try again]
always and anyway(s),
       this tongue
               distracted focus -
          thoughtless, stolen
   and marrow aches,
              muscles torn without time
       to allow a rebuild.
                             "you're good," he said.
  but,
              hands are
                        cut,
                            burned,
                 swollen,
       and so terribly winter-stiff.
          "you're good," he said;
"that knife is sharp," i said;
                  "you'll learn." he said.
     promise of sacred
        verbal contract.
                  [ran long; try again]

Keats may’ve died of consumption
And Dante in his personal hell
But no one ever died of a broken heart
Or so I’ve heard them tell

Shakespeare’s mortal coil had shuffled
And Byron could a-rove no more
But no one ever died of a broken heart
Of that much they are sure

All of Auden’s clocks had stopped
Dickinson felt death in her brain
But no one ever died of a broken heart
Though it’s heavy as a ball and chain

Blake had entered Jerusalem
For Carroll, Wonderland beckoned
But no one ever died of a broken heart
Yet I wish I could any second

Miss Rossetti’s winter was bleak
Thomas raged into that good night
But no one ever died of a broken heart
At least not without a good fight

Do not
forget
to hold
your heart
close
and
protect it
against
the savagery
and
careless handling
inflicted
by those
too blind
to see
its beauty.

That was the end
of her holy affair,

when she knelt, out of habit
and felt fresh air

finding the gaps
where her gods once were

like light finds the edge of a door
when it's not shut so tight as before..

i've spent hours cramped over thesaurus pages and days ignoring warnings to write about the people who make me feel the things i am supposed to feel

i've spent sentences and words and enough knowledge to fill volumes like a life-time credit debt, pouring sentiments and metaphors over people who won't even bother to read how i venerate their actions, their touch, their reactions

how i analyze each detail like ive got a four year degree and student loans to last me until im ninety in How to Make Yourself Sick With Overthinking

i've spent so much time deflecting like a broken pinball machine in the back of an old restaurant, telling anyone who listens that people make me feel human, give me emotions, make me feel real

i've never spent enough time away from instant gratification, reaction, attention, to know who i am without the people that fill gaps in my lungs and ribs, who stitch me up and send me into a field of disconcerted intentions and bad messes

i can't wite much about who i am, how i react, my actions, my touch, my reactions. my soul is based off of the fragments of other souls that have touched me.

and still, i want the words and syllables and poetry.
i want the actions and touches and reactions
i want to mean something to the people that mean so much to me
i want someone to raise me to this compulsory apotheosis
it's impossible i am the only one with emotions bursting inside of them like nightlights and meteor showers

i suppose
i haven't spent enough time thinking how
there is a vain narcissism that encompasses a person who, without people, would not be a person at all.

it was 3 AM
you painted
"darling, you’re beautiful"
on my spine
we wanted to feel the ocean hugging
so we drove to the beach
i was almost drunk
you were almost pure,
but i couldn’t remember
what your name
tasted like
i almost forgot
i was
insane