I want it to switch,
I want to startle you awake
so that you are greeted
by an empty darkness.

I was lying in bed last night staring up

at the stars speckling the celestial indigo heavens

like glittery sprinkles across a birthday cake

and I thought to myself:

Where the hell is the ceiling?

I didn't know it was possible to get your heart broken this fast.
I haven't had my first date with him yet.
I'm slowly withering away.
I don't know why
I love him

He told me he was damaged.
I was too,
So I tried to fix him.
If I could save him, I could save myself,
Or maybe he would save me.
But instead,
He broke me further
Instead of mending the rips in my soul,
He tore it to shreds,
And left his marks on my skin.

If you were a shrub, you would be a good shrub!

Hello! SNIFF You smell different when you're awake! (Courtesy of Kollitiki)

I hate a lot of people, but you are not one of them. I also hate ducks. WOW do I ever hate ducks.

Hi there! Will you marry me?

Wanna come over to my place? I'll show you all 89.3 of my cats!

Hey babe, you wanna buy me a drink? Oh, no just water. I'm not allowed alcohol in this bar since the chainsaw incident last month with my exboyfriend....

Look babe, I know this sounds like one of those fake sobs stories made up to get you laid, but how about coming home with me? I have a terminal illness and it would just make my life complete if you would come home with me. Thank you so much baby, bless your soul. Oh, what illness? Ummm ...leprosy....

Tries to be seductive with scalp and elbows

I LOVE YOUR FAAAACE!!!!!!! (Courtesy of the ever brilliant Spencer Craig)

Your left eyebrow is ****.

I don't care about my dates having good hair or a lack of BO, so you and I should date.

HIIIIIIIII I BAKED YOU A SALAD!!!

Here is a fire extinguisher gorgeous ;) .......Sorry for lighting you on fire...

Hey babe, did anyone ever tell you? Your eyes are as green as um those green sticky note thingies they sell at Walmart, and your hair is the color of frying pans.

Hey cute thing, wanna hear a fun fact? It is physically impossible to lick your elbow. Well, I mean, for you. I meant to say it is physically impossible for YOU to lick your elbow, I could lick your elbow if I wanted, that would be physically possible. (demonstrates your ability to lick the "cute-thing's" elbow) HEY WAIT COME BACK!

HEY! WANNA SEE MY SNOWMAN COLLECTION???????

I have your name tattooed on my ****, wanna see? (Courtesy of The Girl Who Loved You)

Did you fall from heaven? Cause you look a little banged up... (Courtesy of The Girl Who Loved You)