Sorry will only pierce another spear in your heart
Forgiveness is all I seek to drown again in your eyes
17, yet torn apart by this lover affair
Wish your friend’s words were her another lie
Slept by her side, never lost your sight
Rusted your summer, visited you in dreams
I feared of him taking you away
I took the wrong step
That led me where I stand
At your porch
At your party
Seeking for forgiveness
Waiting for you
To curse out your anger
Or kiss me again

I’m just a side character in my own story
The heart of someone I know beats for someone else
I’m watching it all unfold from the sidelines
I knew the risk I was taking, I keep telling my heart—
But the weight of my tears feels too heavy to carry
So I let them rain again for you tonight
You have beautifully haunted my life
I thought I was finally going to make you mine

Silence of the night, an invitation to the poet
To discuss the cause, the solitude it screams
Someone is sleeping, someone is weeping
The silence of the night, what could the reason be?

Someone is sleeping, what a happy life
Someone is weeping, a torturous goodbye
For someone to call it night, one needs happiness
A night without happiness, a never ending day of crying in veil

death came from rattle snakes
build a fort just to dig his grave
air became thinner inside
with every single inhale
mesmerized by the good feeling
his obscured vision of love
couldn’t differ between words or places
memories that still haunt him at dawn

one common bite and 100 different faces
excruciating pain and smile on their faces
black dahlia flourished in my rose garden
my eyes rained, someone punctured the cloud
scandals that can ruin lives, lies that can take lives
a friend is not a friend of yours
beware of those snakes
who befriend you and **** your soul

darkness dark the dark storm
my solace disappeared in that storm
one, two, three, I counted days and nights
lavish emotions, I cannot afford to feel
cactus grew out instead of rose
rush of emotions, I never felt before

my thousand white tulips, turned to a thousand red rose
clouds cleared and baby blue sky
in aeon, I felt at ease in that storm,
i fought my fear and my ghosts

Your actions speaks louder than words
Your desertion of me this whole summer
Brought me to end of my life
You said you love me but hid her on the side
Traitor and betrayer lack the feeling
To describe your actions
While I was struggling for breathing
Darkness of night became my new friend
Slept alone, telling her our folk tale
I painted in my head
Like an old cardigan one refuses to wear
I carried the weight with spear in my chest dear
I let the porch light turned on
But you showed at my party with another spear

the twin flame you ignited
and the stares that burned the air
came out fiercely and declared,
'you're in love,'
only to later pierce my heart,
leaving me with wounds that bleed
until i'm in ashes

his blood boils in rage
the words out of that man's mouth
were always laced in poison

haunting this feeling was
for someone recovering from a loss
the stars that were glued to his sky
all began to fall down one night
he can't even wish upon them
hoping for a good ending to this story
because each star is a hope he sowed

his blood boils in rage
when that man ever hit him
he can't even stand his ground
so will he even tells his father
that he was not made to be hurt
with the hands that raised him

I saw a white swan in the pond
Floating carelessly towards its aim
Then I saw myself in the same still water
I always pray for the same serenity
For the years to come in life
But within me
There’s a ravaging storm
Which cannot be helped
Even catharsis fails me sometimes
I try to calm myself breathing in and out
I speak words of wisdom by putting a hand on my chest
But I fail every time and so I end up crying
By raining all the poison out of my eyes

a ghost of a child at the playground
swinging on a swing
laughing and having fun

a ghost of a child at the playground
swinging on a swing
he was never found at local cemetery

priests went out in search
exorcists did their performance
but the child was swinging on a swing

he sits on a swing and mourn 'what could've been'
a little child inside a devil like him longs for a home
is it that he wish to run or return to same old place
he will forever be lost in the woods, searching for the end

his body turning cold and sweat running down the skin
heart on its high and face appears to be pale
running from everything that he inherited
he just want to die and live in eternal peace

in a never ending dark room
i stand before your memories
the echoes of your laugh
the echoes of your jokes
fill up your void in this room
our mondegreen conversations
led us where I stand
talking to your memories
and tears full of regret

in my periphery, a messenger arrived
carrying the sadness and the news of goodbye
“the roses you sent died out on their way before they could bloom
the dreams you planted were set on fire by the demons you fought”

now walking alone on the empty streets at night
staring at the moon wondering if you’re looking at it too
i would talk to moon thinking you’re hearing on the other side
beyond the seas, you were still close to me

why would you stare into my eyes?
it’ll keep a hold on me
while you’ll leave me behind
unrequited this story will be
just like in the past I couldn’t be-
“someone’s muse but they were mine”
my face will turn gray again
and this feeling will die in a million times

fleeting memory of you
one fateful encounter
you are my muse
a solace in that moment
standing across the road
our roads will never cross
you see I’m a “sad amorist”
i will always say, “our stars will never align”
i will paint my knuckles red
for a glimpse of you
but scared of the thought
you belong to someone else
i’ll leave a letter at your door
my idea of you will never fade
my ink for you will never run dry
it’s a letter that i will never fly

like scene in an old cinema
they expect me to let down my guard
to let my fort infiltrate by their soldiers
and execute me like a witch on the holy ground
and if i found someone to count stars with
then i'm to be crushed by your stones?

if i stand up for my belief
if i stand up against a liar
if i stand up against a cheater
if i seek explanation from him
to clear the gray haze that he brought upon me
they imposed the title of "mad woman" upon me

colors are a merry mirage
i speak words true in this hearing before you
sky color is not permanent
leaves color is not permanent
your pink painted sky turned gray again
and leaves green lost their color in fall

There is a monster that accompanies him,
In halls, streets, college, it never leaves his side.
Better than the lovers and friends,
But its company brings demise.

He carries the baggage of his own thoughts,
Death always stays by his side.
Made her his closest friend,
Just one wish away for this to end.

The dark passenger is his name,
Death is the ruler in his kingdom.
It breaks or brings any curse,
Negative thoughts prey upon him

this dark room, a bottomless pit,
a place in my mind but in motion of free falling
witness to my pain and anxiety I bore,
a feast for the beast that rules in its whole

“you should try hard”, they proposed,
without being aware of the beast the cage holds
nights are haunted by the ghosts of loss
one way of getting out- but life is that cost.

shipwrecked and i found myself
on an deserted island
not a place to call home
i made a raft to conclude this journey
to reach at your shore
“is it a good idea”, i asked myself

i’m floating alone on sea
seagulls carrying my letters
but couldn’t reach because of storm
storm coming from your side
storm that you sent
send me back to that island

i’m lost in the woods
with no one to guide me though
i had two options
but chose the one that led to you
a choice that i regret,
a reason why i can’t get you out of my head
still on this endless journey to your shore

they say, "you're acting all lost",
and i say, "i know!"

every flower field i pass by
turns to gray, and their leaves fall down
the flowers appear as if they're not watered,
everything i touch becomes sick

their colors start to fade away,
my loneliness is making it hard
to see the world without an obscured view
i'm always sorry for my behavior,

i try to love it here,
but the truth is, i don't wan't to stay

there is no end or trace of this pain
no knowing how it began or when it will end?
it just started, only god knows when,
i kept on ignoring the signs

was it when i was deserted?
or was it when i lost the one i cherished?
there is no end to these tears,
pouring down, blurring my eyes,
like rain on a foggy night

or did it start when hope became evil?
was it when i gave up on my dream?
this pain is here to stay,
to haunt my existence and be my bane

in a dream
one full moon ago
i met a gardener
who lifted my curse
he took all my memories
and planted them as seeds
he then asked, “which to get rid of?”
i took a deep breathe
my hands started to shake
and heart beating like crazy
then i replied,
“stories i painted with my blood as ink”
“ash from their  stick to my skin”
after that,
all my memories grew out as different flowers
each with different, different meanings
he pulled out those memories
“who were ******* my blood and
burning my skin”
then i heard my sister’s yelling
and opened my eyes
only to realize
it was just another dream
that will never come true

Even if you ask me, 'how are you?"
I'll say I'm fine, keeping the mask on.
Either I'm scared to tell you,
Or I don't want you to know this pain.

I'm better off without a savior,
At least this disease won't reach you.
You'll be safe, and smile,
Because this heart is under immense gravity.

It'll rip you apart into pieces,
And set me into flames.
You're far better than knowing the truth,
Because this darkness is beyond your control

Walking home, looking up at the sky,
But not keeping my hopes high.
The halls that once echoed happiness,
Now cry in silence and haunt my nights.
Emptiness once felt like a myth,
But now my darkest reality.
All I do is grieve these days,
The pink or green or blue days are now rusty

how should i define?
define the idea of you?
my nerves are pranking me
to believe,
“it will be same as someone before you”
for once
i want to dream, i want to believe,
“your love will be grand as seas”
i leave this letter at your door
with a painting of you from my mind
you will never absquatulate me
your beaming smile will forever hide my crimes
the crime i define as- “loving a liar”
that unforgivable sin will bury in the past
and my idea of you will forever last

You can't see the chains
I'm bound to be doomed.
My feelings, my pain are taking a toll on me,
Keeping me down with a chain around my neck.

I'm sometimes ashamed of what I have become,
"too cruel on yourself", they say, but I know.
Is it supposed to be this hard to grieve?
Grieve the loss of life, dreams, and wishes?

The invisible chains, a devil named "hope," tied me to.
Isn't kind or lovely, and certainly not a gentleman;
It shows its fangs after showing a ray of light.
I can't afford to smile, I'm afraid it'll burn me alive

in a room full of crowds
i'd still find silence
loneliness has burned into my body
that if it burns, it'll burn me alive
i can't afford to smile, that's how it built me
reeling and crying slowly became a favorite activity

Is it all in my head?
Or does everyone think of me the same way?
When I stand before a mirror, I want to smile,
But even the mirror forces me to cry.
“you are a failure who couldn’t achieve his dream”—
It screams at my face, telling the truth.

These days, I look miserable and in despair,
So my friend told me, “The mirror is a liar.”
But how can it be a lie, I asked myself,
When I see my face turning gray in the mirror?
A mirror shows our reflection,
And even my mind knows this simple truth.

the moment I saw the text cloud appear and disappear
i knew that was when I lost you in the argument
the moment of silence that followed was not just any peace
but a calm before the surging storm
a storm that wreck havoc in its path
and tore me to my bones and soul

now in my tomb of silence, carving your name on the stone
i lost the one I cherished, now I lost the one I loved the most
weeds and fog has covered the grounds in november’s cold
my thoughts are burning my skin, I want to drown

When I speak about the monster,
I speak of the trauma and the pain.
He feeds upon the bones and flesh,
And so, you won’t survive.

He lurks in the shadows
And comes out at midnight.
When your thoughts quicken your heartbeat,
He is a devil in disguise.

First, he lures you into his grand plans,
With late-night conversations with yourself.
Then, he bites the hand that feeds him,
Leaving you numb, with no will to survive.

the train wheels stopped at a station
and the roads leads to lake harmony
my homestead, the town my memories roots run deep
the air feels fresh while the sun is overhead
walking down the road, it brings me to a house
where a friend of mine once resided
i faded away from her life when i was eight
i try to summon her face but
her haunting childhood flash before my eyes
seven but her abusive father left her traumatized
stranded in an ocean from which she can't swim out

she would sit alone in her room
playing with the dolls wearing her mother's cardigan
and whenever i saw her, she would just smile
all she could wish was to fly high in the sky
too young to know the right steps
i wonder about her whereabouts
and is she fine?
i should've ran away with her
to a place far away from her father's reach
to a place in the mountains
where the cold winter feels like summer
where she would've spent time singing like crazy in valleys
where no one would've dare to hurt her again

the old tale says,
“when the world turns upside down
the savior returns with a new dawn”

the battles that you once lost
will bury in the past
to be re-written as win
the pain that you once bore
will shed this time from your skin
and the love that once died
will bloom this time in a grand return
but I’m here waiting for it at the door

You see, I'm an actor.
I'll cheer for you,
While I'm dead on the inside.

I'll write scripts
And put them in action
To prove I'm fine.

It is weary sometimes,
But shows my growth as an actor.

I'll climb the highest of the mountains,
And my tears will rain down to end drought.
And blood will flow like a river.

It's a long road ahead;
I'll learn this time to be fine.

Memories chained around my neck
That comes to life at midnight
Just like a snake bite with its fangs
Their voices sink their teeth into my skin
Release their poison and absorb a part of me
Then they speak to me: "Kneel to the ground and surrender yourself."
I close my ears, as the deafening silence takes over me

the night sky never looked pretty again,
the stars began to look as if they're staring at me,
while i cursed myself and let the tears rain

that haunting silence of midnight still pulls at my nerves,
a feeling i just can't shake off
years have passed but i'm still stuck in the same paradox

we used to look at the stars
and define our future,
but mine holds darkness- like a void in space

our stars were never meant to align
they distanced themselves,
as far as there is just silence between them

As far as my eyes can see,
As far as the light can reach,
I cannot see a glimpse of you
But only in dreams and memories

Your smile lights up my world—
Imagine the power you hold over me
Even after you're gone, you still shine my skies

With time, we have grown apart,
Even cunning fate can't bring us closer
Still, I'm always waiting for you at my shores
The question is, will you set out to sea again?

three years of hell
three years of pain
three years of desertion
three years of lying to myself
“that someday your ship will arrive
on my shore now covered in weeds”

you set out on the seas
to look for your stolen peace
your memories growing over me
prisoner to who I have become
my eyes are starting to feel blurry
death is creeping upon me

i saw in the mirror, a reflection of mine
the wallflower that fade and shine
standing atop in the war against my fears
demolished the walls, became a people pleasure
made friends that spew out poison
nothing good came from letting pretenders into my life
took off that mask and enjoyed my own company
now I have someone, a true friend of mine

shattered your heart
something I never really dreamt of
deepen your scars
something I never really meant to happen
i wanted you to smile
and just look at me
but when you needed me
i burnt down your city
you never even smile
yet you never even became angrier
lack of emotions on your face
i still ponder, “how you feel?”

you ate my heart with your bow in it
while i had a choker around my throat
and without the one which would keep me alive
my body forgot its work and gave up
i sacrificed myself for a ghost
that was born in my thoughts
i tried to touch your face
but it started to fade away
i kept on screaming your name
trying to reach your hand
but you were never here-
you never hurt me,
you never slit my throat
you never tasted me like wine

three summers ago
you appeared out of the mist
showed me love in gray
yet failed to shower color pink

three summers ago
you told me, “I love you”
but deserted me in the end
like I was your another bait

three summers ago
you expressed your affections
i never knew the feeling
now left me behind to feel those feelings

three summers ago
you caged me like a parrot
and I believed it was love
only to find it was heaven at first and hell in the end

dear readers,
don’t get caught in the traps laid
on the name of “heavenly love”
you are worth more than
those promises fake
scars that will hurt

in your void
i hear voices
that guide me to places
an escape from my messes

“lift up your gun son
and run to the battleground
seize their cannons
and come back to the town”

enemies on the shore
is back to **** you once more
the death you escaped before
is back mi amore

so the voices said,
“fight like a hero
roar like a hero
die like a hero
or come back like a hero”

high rising waves crashing on my tomb
the tomb of stone i built on my grave
a sailor on a sea on a ship with no sail
i carved my story on stones with my nails

in a well where my savior’s hands feel shorter
escaping this town is only way move forward
sun never rises in my forever cold world
peace is something you will long for in my world

so
i’ll try
i’ll fight
i’ll love
and
i’ll die

keep beating the drums of my heart that signals your arrival
a little glance from those eyes sends shivers in my body
my mind is now a slave for you, not the kind left in bruise
the sudden urge to touch your face and say i fancy you

how close we would have to become for it to happen?
i would have to declare my love, like a nightingale's song
taking me back in the same boat, of being denied or yes
how cruel our situation is, i lack confidence to tell you

loving someone new was never so torturous
moving on but my face is still gray
reeling at night, smiling in daytime
desertion from you still haunts my midnight

thought that love would make its grand return
but the lingering sadness over-weigh my fervor wishes
the fleeting feeling of love
but it failed to turn gray into a blue world

i feel tortured in winter, the fog  reminds me of good times
when my gray world turned to blue
i feel tortured in autumn, a season spent missing someone
a total love blackout
i feel tortured in summer, a summer meant to be full of love
turned to gray
i feel tortured to see rain, it reminds me of weeping nights
and when i was in pain
a tortured poet and his tortured seasons
a tortured poet forced to be tortured by torturous peoples
because of their torturous sin
a question why did i associated my memories
and made my seasons tortured?

why did it begin in the first place?
and then why, it have to end so early?
it was meant to be another lovelorn story,
a story with arcs developing faster than fiction
everything shattered in the blink of an eye
our first conversation, it was all accidental
and so was our fate- it was tragic and unfair

let me be the danger you carry around
darling place your gun on my head
pull its trigger when it feels too much
even if i'm hanging by the thread

I'm bleeding while lying on the ground
my imbecile lover's sword in my chest
let go of my hand and don't be my savior
save yourself before heaven falls upon us

pain that still exists in my lips and veins
blood was thick but lighter than my weight
your mornings, my nights
my mornings, your nights
heaven arrived at my door
when you moved by the lake

now under the same daylight
now under the same moonlight
sunflowers I planted point to your place
heaven told me,
“it was fated in the first place”

i wandered through the woods in my head
i drifted on an ocean made of my tears
always in search to find way out of gray haze
and so he painted my sky pink
when he stood by my grave

i hope to see you shine, i don’t want to say goodbye
now that you’re close to my heart, i see you for who you are
i watched you sleep with your lips close to mine
the innocence on your face hides a painful past behind that beaming smile
will keep these feeling buried till i’m alive and for you i’ll die 2 years in advance
so my love can last forever and my memories will decay in grave with time